Chapter Twenty-Five

Run, run, run. The woods blended together like a mix of brownie batter. I pushed myself to run faster. I ducked my head narrowly avoiding a tree branch. "Aghhh!" I tripped over a rock. The brown residue of dirt covered my hand and clothes.

"Mi'a, wait!" I heard Talia called from behind. I didn't even look back. I couldn't. I just kept running. I looked up toward the sky and only saw the dark, green leaves of the trees. Where was the sun? Where had it gone? Where was the warmth that it provided? The light that guided.

A disfigured person blocked my path, I screamed. I awake as I always do. Right before the worst of the worst happens. Right before I die or get tortured. My eyelashes blink once, twice. They brush against my face. My rapid heartbeat pumping in my chest. The sweat on my back freezing and disgusting me at the same time.

I had been having the same dream. It wasn't the exact same but the message had grown clearer over the next few days. I left behind my sister, and saved myself. The dream scared me because I secretly always thought of myself as a coward. Was I now a selfish, coward? Would I risk losing my sister just to save myself? Why were these dreams happening now? I was smart enough to know that the deeper meaning behind them told me what I had been feeling for years. I wanted to leave this house. I wanted more. I wanted to leave this family and even Georgia. So what was my dream telling me? That I was willing to do anything to get what I wanted. That I should.

Bzzzz! My phone dinged beside me on my bed. Good morning! I hope you have a good day at school. I can't wait to see you again. It had been a few days since Lillian's birthday party and our crazy weekend together. Were we now a couple? I had yet to ask her to be my girlfriend and no it was no longer my guilty conscience that was stopping me. I wasn't doing anything illegal. She was old enough to date me and it wasn't as if her parents had to know. . .yet. I swear, I think I'm beyond saving at this point.

Knock. Knock. Knock. "Mi'a you up?" Brayden asked from the other side of my bedroom door.

"Yeah, come on in."

"Can we talk? It's important."

I looked at the time on my phone, ten o'clock. "Shoot. I have to get ready for school but I'm listening."

"Ayana is taking me to court as you know for full custody of Amarah. I hate to ask but I need help getting and paying for a lawyer Mi'a. You're the only person I can rely on. My dad ain't got shit to offer. Think you can help?"

I wiped my face with my yellow towel. I was the only person anyone in this family seemed like they could rely on. There has to be a name for this. A person who a family relies on heavily just because they have a little more money. "Yeah, Brayden of course. How much are we talking?"

"Two grand. I can pay in installments but there's a fee upfront. I don't know when I'll be able to pay you back but I will as soon as I can."

"Yeah, for sure.  Let me check my funds and you try to find a lawyer." I answer as I double-check to make sure I have everything in my pack for school.

"Thanks Mi'a. You're the best."

At school I was always more in my element. I wasn't the smartest in class but I was definitely up there. I busted my ass studying and keeping up with all the students whose parents could afford tutors and for them to get extra help. They didn't need to work and go to school. Nope, they could spend all their time on their studies. I on the other hand had to manage my time properly ever since I got my first job at sixteen.

I was already done with the warm-up questions on the board in math. My hand was furiously scribbling away in my planner as I examined my funds. I spent almost two-hundred on food, three-hundred on medical expenses because I didn't have medical insurance, about a hundred going out with friends, one twenty-five on gas. . .then there was rent, my credit card payments, money I put aside for my niece's college funds and personal savings. I tugged on my hair slightly. It was a nervous tick. I didn't think it was but I seemed to do it more and more whenever I was stressed with school and money situations.

I looked up from my planner and my gaze went to Jasmine. Wait? Her boyfriend owed me money. I thought I was short. One of the good things about accepting money in cash? You noticed when you didn't have it. I shot Mr.Sports Boy a text. I'm missing something. I also sent Lillian a text message and a swift apology on the wait time.

I got you next week. Some of the guys missing theirs. Want some of it now? I read and re-read the text message. I breathed in and out. Harder and harder. My nostrils take in more air every time.

Have me money all of it by Wednesday. I sent back.

Or what? Was sent back in an instant. This is the problem when you're a female operating a business. You're always underestimated. And then Don't forget you need me because I'm the jock and your you. So don't even try not to give me the other half of my paper. There was the threats. I didn't do well with threats.

Yeah, ok. I'll give you the rest. Ttyl.

. . . . . . . . . .

"White privilege? What does this mean to me?" I said more so to myself than to Lillian. Here I was again helping her with yet another paper. The twins were asleep and her parents would be gone for another three hours. "I don't know oreo. What's it mean to you? You live amongst white people and go to a nearly all-white school. You got more experience than me on what this means."

I wasn't really in the mood to be helping anyone. Mr.Sports Boy had upset me more than I wanted to admit. What was even worse was that he was messing with my money. I couldn't have. I could not have that. Brayden was still waiting on my response on how much I could help as well.

"I know but I'm at a loss. I'm not good with words like you. And you babysit for mainly white people. You have a lot of experience with white privilege as well." Lillian said to me. I laid at the bottom of her bed and she at the top.

"Fair point. Just tell me a little then. A sentence on what you think white privilege is." I insisted. I didn't have time to spoon feed Lillian tonight. I was thinking and I didn't like what I was thinking.

"To me white privilege is white people having more and being able to have access to more than those of color." Lillian answered.

"Okay, that's good. Now it says what's a solution. Give me the first thing that comes to mind." I say to Lillian. I was barely keeping it together. All I wanted to was rant about how some dumb jock was trying me and my inability to do something. I wanted to yell at Brayden for having Amarah with Ayana who was far from being the idea of a perfect mom. I wanted to yell at myself for my inability to not need to be the hero all the time.

"Mhm, the first thing that comes to mind, maybe people who have can find more ways to help those who don't."

That's stupid.

"What?" Lillian asked. She sat up so fast she made the bed jump. I almost fell off.

"Did I really say that outloud? I meant to say that's a bit naive." I murmured.

"No, you said what you meant. My idea was stupid."

"Not stupid. I meant naive. If everyone who had gave to those who needed it. It would only end in chaos. People always want more. People who have never want to give. In the end there's always going to be imbalance."

"I have and I would give. I guess you think that's naive. My mom has and she gives even Mr.Anderson. I suppose you think I'm naive though because that's just my family."

"No, I think it must be nice to be in a position to give especially when what your giving isn't something you had to work for. You get whatever you need from your parents. My bad mom and Mr.Anderson and they probably had money from their parents. You want to know what white privilege is? It's generational wealth. It's growing up in a society where you're likely to be taught more about finances in a white household and at a white school than those of color. So the gap only gets bigger and bigger because the majority of black people live paycheck to paycheck like their parents and grandparents before them. I learnt something today. It was from some article. Black tax. You know what that is?"

Lillian shook her head no.

"It's when one black person finally gets a little something in life and they're expected to help everyone in their family. Who knew there's a word for it. It's easy for you to say you'll give because when you're older Lillian you'll have no one but yourself to worry about. I have to worry about my sister, my brothers, my niece and parents. My mom mainly. My grandma or did. I don't have money from my parents to spare like you'll have. I have to work hard and take- and that's getting a little off subject. So got enough inspiration to write?" I asked as I finally made up my mind about what to do with Mr.Sports Boy.

"Yeah, I do actually. Thanks." Lillian grabbed her laptop and started typing. She wasn’t much younger than me, Lillian but we couldn't be miles apart in life experience. She never had to worry about tricking people and being sneaky. Ten steps ahead. She was already a hundred feet away.

"I can't wait to read what you'll write. I'm sure it'll be genius." I say softly poking Lillian's foot with my own. "Oreo."

Lillian smiles at the nickname and pushes her laptop to the side, "I know we're different and we come from different backgrounds but if you ever need help I'm here. I can help. I'm your girlfriend after all. You don't have to take."

"Girlfriend, huh? You just want something for Valentine's Day."

"That would be nice."

I lifted my phone from beside me.. Arrange for him to meet you. You'll get your money. I smiled hungrily at the text. There are just some things you have to take from life, Lillian. You won't get it otherwise.