Chapter 19: Where emotions are no longer able to be avoided

I spent the remaining days of winter avoiding Lara; she also refused to call on me. Our relationship came to a halt all on the basis of her refusal to accept my feelings were not mutual towards Jamie, a ridiculous concept I had not expected, especially from her.

This, in turn, created a more tense relationship with Jamie as we worked together in the mine, and he often visited my father in the evenings for smoking pipes. He never wasted a moment in attempt to catch my attention, but it felt as if he were more desperate than ever, yet never did I dare bring up the reason for the halt in certain relationships.

While I spent my dark days working sifting through the unearthed rocks in the mine, I often thought about how I could defend myself to Lara, allowing myself to manifest successful arguments. I dared not think about how my interaction with Jamie would come about. I did not want to embarrass him, nor did I desire to speak with him on such intimate terms. I thought if I continued to ignore him, and make it obvious I was not interested, then perhaps he would eventually figure it out—he was good at picking up subtleties, or, so it seemed.

“Lillie!” Tim yelled for me during one of my shifts, forcing me to halt sifting, and join his side.

“I need you to head to the main hub, and retrieve the new drawings from Taffy,” he instructed with a pointing finger down the tunnel.

“Taffy?” I asked while adjusting the goggles over my head. “I’m sorry, I don’t know who that is.”

“Oh, damnit, you’re so useless sometimes.”

“Hey—just tell me what she looks like.” He grumbled as his grey eyes darted, and the sound of Jamie’s whistling echoed as he nonchalantly walked up the tunnel while dusting off his sleeves.

Oh, anyone but him.

“Jamie!” Tim shouted, causing the man to look ahead, but upon seeing me, a grin crossed his face. “Take Lillie to Taffy and get the drawings for our new excavation tunnel. And be quick about it.” Obviously grateful to abandon his working efforts, even if such efforts were at minimum, Jamie bowed, but Tim grabbed my shoulder and leaned into my ear. “I need you to take over running errands for me. That boy never stops chatting—wasting all my precious time. Want to prove yourself? Here’s your chance.”

“Why don’t you send him somewhere else to work?” I asked quietly while Jamie stood waiting for me from further away. Tim laughed as he moved away from me, and never did tell me, nor did I care to know, for I felt bad thinking of the idea of suggesting moving Jamie elsewhere.

Jamie and I trudged through the tunnels, dodging carts, and he talked quietly about some show he recently saw at the theater, and I found it surprising that he did not utilize that moment alone with me to interrogate me about anything private.

After entering the main cavern hub, Jamie led us to a small covered work station where a stocky woman hunched over a table while moving a brass measuring tool I easily recognized as something Historia used to make maps.

“Hey, Taffy! My favorite woman,” Jamie nearly sang, and she looked up at our figures as our boots stomped along the wooden platform.

“Ah, hello Jamie,” Taffy responded while adjusting herself into an upright position in her chair, then her eyes darted over to me. “Who’s this sweet thing?”

“Hello,” I said, and stepped closer. “I’m Lillie. I work under Tim’s team, who sent us to retrieve the new drawings for excavation.”

“Ah, yes, one moment.” Taffy moved papers around as she scrambled for the correct map, and I looked around the small wooden area, recognizing other brass measuring tools on the shelves, and a small collection of leather bound books stacked in the corner. I remembered Jamie’s comment about utilizing my skills working under Taffy, and I wondered about her work, and if she learned her skills from Historia’s private lessons.

My heart ached at the thought of Historia, but as Taffy whipped out a small parchment with a lightly drawn map, I drew my attention back to the task at hand, especially with the chance to prove myself to Tim.

“It’s got the new demands written, but I highly doubt that matters to your team, so I’ll just send over an interpreter as soon as I can—unless you’re good at remembering stuff. Jamie here isn’t so good.”

“Oh, my good, kind woman, why else do you think the ol’ geezer sent Lillie down in the first place?” Jamie chimed as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder, unbothered by the rather insensitive remarks about himself. “This young maiden can read.”

“Really?” Taffy asked as her eyes widened. “How intriguing. Hey, you’re Bene’s kid? Didn’t think he’d waste his money on those ol’ private lessons. Anyway, if you could read the new demands and directions, that’d be super helpful.”

“I’ll do what I can,” I said, and tucked the map into the loop of my leather waist-belt while Jamie released his arm around me, beaming with pride.

“Say, you’d make a great interpreter—can you write as well?”

“Yeah. I learned from Historia of the Library.”

“Say—I know her! She’s lent me some materials that have been super helpful. Glad to see others utilize her knowledge. Say, come back soon, and I’ll get you working on some other projects, yeah?”

“Well, I need to speak with Tim first.”

“Ah, yeah, I’ll see what he can spare.” She shuffled over to the shelf, retrieved a book, and then suggested that we be off before Tim wastes too much time. Jamie and I then left the work station, and began trudging our way back to the excavation tunnels.

“I told you Taffy would like you,” Jamie said while nudging my arm.

“Yeah,” I mumbled, allowing a smile to cross my face. “I’m glad she knows about the library. Maybe working with her would be pretty cool.”

“Now I gotta check out this ol’ library, even if I have no use for books. But, if all the brilliant women in my life are gathering there, there must be something else worth seeking out.”

“You say the weirdest shit.”

“Of course, if you do leave Timbo’s hell-hole, then I’d miss talking with you.” With Jamie’s last words ringing off the tunnel walls, that irritating sense of guilt returned heavy on my chest. Jamie cleared his throat, and I felt helpless as we walked together through the narrow path.

“Speaking of not talking,” Jamie said, and wrapped his arm over my shoulder, completely preventing me from leaving the conversation. “Why are you not talking with my sister?”

“That’s none of your business,” I scoffed.

“Well, actually, it is—familial animosity is right up my alley. I’m just trying to figure out why you girls are suddenly stone-walling each other. Did something happen? It’s not usual for Lara to be rejected. Why are you being this way?”

“It’s between us, if you’d be so kind.” I moved his arm off my shoulder and he reluctantly let it fall to his side as he heavily sighed while rolling his eyes.

“I feel like I have something to do with it.”

“It’s just between us.”

“It’s no coincidence you girls have been avoiding each other after your birthday—after I gave you a present, to be exact.” We were approaching the new tunnel that led to our excavation area, but Jamie, unsatisfied with the discussion and unwilling to appease Tim’s demands for work being done in a timely manner, pulled me aside, nearly dragging me into another tunnel that was used as a storage place for empty canary cages.

“Stop playing games,” Jamie said, pushing himself in front of me, forcing me to face him as I bumped against the stack of cages. The lantern above us swayed as the walls shook, and the scent of bird feathers filled the small space.

“I thought you love games,” I jeered, but darted my eyes as I only was prolonging the inevitable.

“I don’t like being the one trapped in the middle—I’d rather be the one making the rules, at least, until the fun is over and everyone is still laughing. Right now, no one is laughing and my sister is no longer smiling.”

“Don’t blame me for—“ I looked towards Jamie who grew more serious than ever before, and, for the first time, I was afraid what he would do to me if he knew the truth. Yet, what else could I do? If he brought me harm, then, so be it—all the more reason to turn away from his desperate act of winning my heart.

“You want the truth?” I finally blurted out, furrowing my brows as I kept my eyes directly towards Jamie’s.

“Of course, always and never any lies,” he said while the lantern flickered above, and I lowered my eyes, noticing the unnerving amount of yellow bird feathers along the ground near the empty cages.

“What is between Lara and I is a disagreement. Something that she is unwilling to understand on my part. You’re right—it is about you. She made some statements about you that, in my opinion, was not her place to say. And now—well—we are in an unnecessary predicament because of it all.”

“How so?”

“Lara refuses to accept that I do not share the same mutual feelings that she said you have for me.”

“Oh.” Jamie turned his head while placing his hands upon his hips, and he tapped his side while that horrible sinking feeling came crashing upon the depths of my soul, and my legs began to tremble. A low rumbling of the underground caused the cages to rattle, and a cart moved outside the inlet while voices of workers passed by.

“Welp, leave it to the big sis to ruin everything,” Jamie grumbled as he creaked his neck to see out the passageway. “Sorry.”

“It’s—I, uh,” I stuttered, and Jamie finally looked over at me, casting his mischievous smile.

“I’m sorry my sister spoke on matters she had no right to speak of,” he said. “It’s not fair to you or to me to have her insert herself into penetrating matters of the heart.”

“I don’t think she meant harm,” I said, still slightly trembling.

“No, of course not. Lara never wants to hurt anyone. She can just be very opinionated, and think her methods are always better, disregarding other people’s opinions or feelings or the aftermath of what could happen if she were to cause harm.”

“Yeah, sometimes.”

“Oh, no, it’s all the time. Believe me.” Jamie sighed, and turned to face the tunnel opening as another cart rolled by, causing the clanging of the cages to rattle once again, and the walls vibrated while the earth trembled. “Well, thanks for at least opening up to me and telling me the truth.” A sense of relief passed over me at how well he accepted the situation.

“I’m sure we can work past all this,” he said with a sigh. “For now, let’s get back to work. Ol’ Timbo will soon send a search party for us. Pretty sure he wants you as his new errand pigeon, claiming that I’m much too slow and chit-chatty, yet, here we are. Ah, that man will never understand that the matters of the heart are much more valuable than any form of crystal.” He glanced over his shoulder, then gave a weak smile as he beckoned with his hand. I stepped forward, and we walked out of the small inlet, but paused as another cart was being pushed through the narrow passageway, and we stood side by side, our shoulders nearly touching.

“Hey, thanks for listening,” I quietly said, and Jamie placed a arm around my shoulder and leaned his head against mine.

“You can always tell me the truth, Lillie—I hate lies and unsaid grudges held against me,” he said calmly. “We can at least stay friends, yes?”

“That would be nice,” I replied, and placed my arm upon his back, and gave him a squeeze.

“Good. Now, I’ll take care of Lara, cause I miss all three of us hanging out.” I released my arm as the passing carts moved by, and we rejoined our team. Although Tim was hardly impressed and grumbled after I had given him the papers and told him of my interest with working for Taffy, a sense of relief of resolving things with Jamie allowed me to overlook Tim’s disapproval and think happily about future prospects in the mine.

A few weeks passed, and Jamie continued to treat me similar, but less forward actions. His whistling and singing tunes were lower, but eventually did return. Our friendship, especially at work, became less stressful for me, and I thoroughly began enjoying spending time with him. We never spoke on the matter again, and eventually Lara came to visit me at my home.

“Look, I talked with Jamie, and I’m really sorry for being such a pain,” she began as we sat on my bed in my room. “I’m sorry if I put pressure on you. I didn’t want to hurt you—or Jamie. Sorry it affected your relationship, especially at work. Can you forgive me?”

“Of course,” I proclaimed, and tears welled as I wrapped my arms around Lara who embraced me back. She patted my back as she whispered more apologies, and I was ever so grateful for our resolved conflict.

“It’s really okay,” I said after releasing our embrace. “I’m just thankful you can accept that I don’t have the same feelings towards Jamie. And, now, it feels like he is also changing. I hope he can find someone else who will care about him the same. He deserves to be equally loved by someone.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Lara’s eyes darted away. “I’m sure he can take care of himself.”

“Oh, he obviously can,” I said with a laugh.

“I just wish you felt the same. Would love to have you as a sister.”

“We can be sisters, beyond a connection with your brother, okay?”

“Alright fine. We are sisters, despite it all!”

We ended our visit by chatting about our last few weeks, catching up on all the latest gossip she heard from the whispers in the bakery, and I shared my new prospects of possibly working with Taffy. We left my room as she needed to return home, and we walked to the balcony. The men were smoking their pipes, and Jamie smiled as he examined our arms linked together.

“Ah, the reunion we all have been waiting for,” Jamie chimed as he lifted his hand into the air and flicked his wrist. “My, that took a dreadfully long time. I could have grown a beard in the time it took for you two to make up.”

“You can’t even grow a beard in the first place,” Thabias said annoyed, and my father simply grunted, as usual.

“Yes, I decided,” Lara said loudly as she patted my arm, “I don’t need my brother to get married to receive my first sister.” Jamie suddenly started choking, and my father groaned loudly and Thabias chuckled, and I felt my cheeks flush with intense heat.

“Dammit—Lara,” I grumbled, and shoved her aside as she giggled, but kept her head raised high with pride. I followed her down the stairs, unwilling to stay on the balcony and subject myself to whatever embarrassment I would face if I had stayed behind. I heard my father’s voice rise and Jamie helplessly defended himself as my father questioned him about certain arrangements that he was unaware of.

After setting things right with Jamie and Lara, I began to feel better about my life. Although I hated the unbearable darkness within the mine, and the constant negativity, I began to see glimmers of opportunity in those learning to love and accept me for who I was.

This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

***

On the day of the much anticipated full moon of the earliest signs of spring, I resolved to visit the meadow after I had already previous checked for the blooms of snowdrops and the snow had nearly all melted. I packed my basket with brown bread and potatoes, and a few sweet stalks of grass fresh from the allotment. I had washed the blanket, and I anticipated a whole new year of its being used, and wondered how many other seasons it would last as its weaving was becoming rather faded.

“Where are you going?” my mother asked as she entered the kitchen, causing me to flinch as I tucked the potatoes under the blanket.

“Oh, I thought you already left,” I said, and she eyed my basket suspiciously as she tapped the doorway with her finger.

“I forgot something,” she replied. “Who are you meeting?”

“Just a friend,” I said nervously, and closed the lid to the basket and then heaved it over my shoulders.

“Is it that Jamie fellow?”

“Uh, no.”

“Why not? Your father says he is interested in you.”

“We are just friends.”

“For now—he’s obviously interested in you, why else would he bother showing up here all the time to sit with your father? You would be wise not to pass him up, for he comes from a wealthy family. He could easily take care of you, then you can get out of the mines and go back to your silly little whims.”

“I don’t want to think like that. I don’t want to depend on a man to take care of me.” I moved over to the doorway, but my mother stepped in the middle, blocking me from leaving as she continued to scowl, her hands ferociously tapping the wooden doorway. Her eyes then darted down, observing the silver clasps of my new cloak.

“But, you’ll take gifts from him.”

“It was a gift from my two friends for my birthday.”

“Only people in love give gifts that nice. A man attempting to woo a girl he’s fallen for.”

“Or wealthy families who have the extra money, and take pity on their poor friend who wears a tattered cloak.” Her neck tensed, and she lunged a hand upon my shoulder and pinched me, but I dared not react as I glared back at my mother’s disdaining eyes.

“Fine, stay a poor girl who people will only pity. His puppy love will soon vanish when he grows tired of you, and you will realize your youth will also. Soon, men will look down on you and you will become nothing but a wrinkly old lady who no one will love or desire.”

I jerked my arm away from her, and forced myself through the doorway, and rushed out of the house. I ignored my mother’s hurtful words until I safely walked through the overgrown archway and deep into the forest. Was that my fate? Was that why Jamie had feelings for me? Was I just an object to desire, soon to vanish due to my status and looks?

I looked at my hair. It had turned all white by now. My skin was completely gray, lost of all undertones that reflected a vibrancy, and my hands were hardened and calloused like the jagged stones I moved everyday. I was becoming less beautiful. I remembered Historia. I had always thought she was beautiful. Her hair was a lavish color, her hues strong, and her clothes were always stylish. Lara was beautiful, especially when she was happy, and always attracted others and their obvious admiration. My mother, I did not think was beautiful, but mainly because she always had a disdaining attitude and was incredibly hurtful towards me. The women I did think were beautiful were happy, full of life, and led interesting lives. Even Jadis, in her old age, was beautiful in my mind. She lived according to her passions and purpose in life—they all did.

Was that why I was turning so dull? Was it my lack of happiness, my lack of purpose in my life?

But, how could I find happiness and purpose when my life was heavily controlled and dependent on others? I could barely enjoy a night out for my birthday celebration, or receive a gift without feeling guilty. However, upon the guilty weight of my conflict with my friends, I found strength to overcome such uncomfortable situations. And I continued to build my connections with my friends.

Maybe there is a chance to build a life for myself. Maybe I just need more strength, more people who care about me.

The light of the clearing came to view and I emerged from the dark forest. The ground was covered in small snowdrop flowers, and I noticed the fireplace had been prepared with dry logs. Then, I saw him.

I saw Sable pacing around the fireplace, his wings folded, and his face lowered as he watched his footsteps. He immediately sensed my presence, and suddenly began running towards me, extending his wings into a low flight. I only had time to unfasten my basket straps before he completely ran into me, sweeping me off my feet. However, he must have miscalculated his efforts and we fell from his gliding position and rolled across the grass. His completely wrapped his arms around me. Due to the immense size of his wings wrapping around us, I was suddenly covered in total darkness, and his large arms held me with a firm grip. I tried squeezing back, but his efforts to return the favor caused me to squeal.

“You’re crushing your wings!” I yelled while attempting to push myself away. He released his grip slightly, but buried his head against my neck as a sigh of relief escaped his mouth.

“I don’t care,” he whispered, casting warm breath that caused me to shiver.

“Well, you’re crushing me!” I continued to wiggle my way out of his grip, but found it impossible as he lay on his back. “How are you so strong?”

“Sorry.” As he loosened his arms, I sprung up, sitting on top of him, and pushed his wings aside as I attempted to escape, causing Sable to only chuckle as he slowly lowered his wings.

“Oh, my stuff,” I said stiffly as I picked up my basket that had flung across the wet grass. I picked off the sticks, and tried brushing off the mud, and noticed dirt stains upon my new cloak. I felt angry for a moment as I straightened my scarf and cloak. Then, I felt Sable pick at my hair, removing debris with a sly smile.

“Oops,” he said as I reached out to his hair and removed the small twigs sticking out from the sides. A sense of relief overcame my heart as I ran my fingers through his surprisingly soft hair that smelled of fresh mountain air and ice, and now a hint of the earth.

“It’s good to see you,” I said, and then narrowed my eyes. “Even if you soiled my new cloak.”

“Sorry,” he said as he continued pulling debris from my hair. Slowly, his hand drifted down to my cheek, and I placed my hand on his wrist. He wore his winter cloak, a poncho with multiple draping layers, and his arm was covered in a long sleeve, and I allowed my thumb to drift under the edges as I stroked his skin.

“I’m so happy to see you,” he said while stroking my cheek with his thumb. His crimson eyes softened as he looked at my lips, and I felt my heart skip a beat at the sudden desire for him to enact the soft embrace of placing his lips onto mine.

His puppy love will soon vanish when he grows tired of you, and you will realize your youth will also, I remembered my mother saying, and I jerked my face away, suddenly very aware of the reality in which I faced of falling for someone from a different culture—falling for a Teragane.

What am I even doing?

“So, let’s make a fire!” I said, hoping to change the mood and bury my emotions. “It’s cold and I’m hungry.” Sable reached out for the basket on the ground, and carried it over to the fire place in which he had already prepared with dry wood he had apparently stored away in his home.

“I’m proud of you,” I said encouragingly “I taught you well. Didn’t I?”

“You are my greatest teacher,” he said rather profoundly, and I turned my face away and quickly suggested for him to start the fire as I prepared the food for cooking. He allowed me to take the satchel he unslung from his waist, stating that he had found mushrooms, and I happily prepared the array of food, feeling calm again now that I was cooking.

As I gutted and skewered the fish while humming a tune, Sable tended the fire and watched me intently, following my movements with his beautiful eyes. I could barely believe the young Teragane boy who I met five years prior, who barely spoke about anything and didn’t care about anything else other than eating whatever I brought him, was now participating in bringing food to share, starting fires, and growing even more handsome each passing season.

I watched him smoothly thrust the sticks into the ground, admiring the raw strength of his muscles, and I wondered about his winter alone on the mountain.

“Did you get to visit your friend?” I asked as he finished placing the raw, skewered fish around the fire. Sable’s eyes suddenly lowered, and his wings twitched as he wiped his hands upon his cloak.

“Yes,” he said, his voice rather sad.

“Was it alright?”

“Kind of.” I stood up and moved towards the fire and placed the potatoes and mushrooms around the stone edges.

“Did something happen?”

“He left.” I looked up at Sable, and his sorrowful eyes looked away as he went to sit on the blanket, obviously distraught.

“What happened? Did you guys get in trouble for meeting during winter?”

“My friend is training to become a Sage and he left for a further training. That is all.”

“Oh. That sucks.”

“Yes. Especially since he really liked the marmalade and I was hoping you could meet him this year.” My eyes widened at the thought of meeting someone from Sable’s world, but I turned to move the potatoes around, and felt my heart race at the idea of how sad Sable sounded.

What if Sable was called to leave for training elsewhere?

What if that was happening right now? He was getting stronger, bulkier—what if he was training to be some type of soldier, or protector or—

“But, that doesn’t matter anymore, now that we are together again,” Sable said as he moved back to my side, and began checking the fish as all four sizzled over the fire. As we spoke about cooking, the mushrooms that he found, I buried the conflicting emotions once again, ignoring any unwanted thoughts about a future where Sable is called somewhere else.

After all was cooked and we had enjoyed eating the enormous amounts of food we had prepared, I gave a loud belch, feeling satisfied, but Sable still seemed bothered by his lingering sadness.

“It feels so good to be here right now,” I said after exhaling deeply. “Winter is always so harsh.”

“Yeah,” he replied quietly, still obviously plagued by deeper thoughts.

“Sable, you alright?” I asked, desiring to comfort him.

“Yeah, I am fine.”

“You seem like you’ve got something on your mind. Want to talk about it?” I turned to face him as we both sat on the blanket and he faced the fire while the flickering flames bounced in a dying procession. He leaned forward while resting his arms upon his knees and his wings twitched as the long, primal feathers slightly bent to the side from his sitting position.

“I was just thinking about an idea I had,” he said, surprising me.

“An idea? Like what?” I asked, and leaned forward, anticipating for him to continue, but his increase of nervousness caused an alarm to rush through my senses.

“I thought a lot about what you said last year—about wanting to live in the trees.”

“Oh really?”

That’s what he’s been thinking about?

I couldn’t stop the eruption of laughter, especially as I had anticipated something profound, something deeper about the sorrow he was feeling, or perhaps a role he was expecting as a Teragane—something interesting, not my presumptuous incident of falling from the trees.

“Oh Sable, I was just being silly,” I replied after calming my laughter. “I don’t know why you would take me so seriously, especially after falling on you.”

“Well, you seemed very determined. It sounded like that was what you wanted. You were very upset afterwards.”

“I want a lot of things, but that doesn’t mean I can always get them.”

“But, if you could have it?”

“Oh, it was just a silly thing.”

“What if you could live in the trees?”

“I don’t know. I don’t see that ever being a possibility.”

“What if it was?”

“I don’t know! Why does it matter?” I raised my voice as anger overtook my sense of dignity, and my hands balled into fists, and I quickly looked away. Sable exhaled roughly, and then slightly moved away from me, causing me to regret my inability to control my anger. He never deserved to be the brunt of my unresolved conflict festering within my heart, especially as he was simply asking me questions about something I had long ago forgotten that for some reason was impactful for him.

“I just wanted to know if you would choose that life for yourself if it was a possibility,” he said lowly, then, ever so nervously, “if you could live in the trees—er, here, in the meadow—would you?”

Live in the meadow? What kind of idea is that?

“Listen,” I said, then hung my head while sighing heavily. “I’m sorry, I just—uh—don’t have the luxury to think of such possibilities.”

“I do not understand how the idea could be considered a luxury? Why not give yourself a better opportunity, a better life for yourself? Why not leave your life in the forest and live here?”

“Leave my life behind? You don’t understand, nor can I even begin to try to explain to you why I cannot fathom such a future for myself.”

“Try.” I looked over as Sable’s eyes stared deeply, but the air of his ignorance was becoming annoying.

“Ha! You, the lone Teragane on the mountain—you could never understand.”

“Why have so little faith in me?”

“Because you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes, I know I am the isolated Teragane from the mountain, but have I not proven myself to be open-minded and capable of understanding new ways of life?”

“It’s not that simple. Right now, you are encouraging me to think of the possibility of leaving behind my home, my friends and my family! That alone proves to me you do not understand the importance of my relationships. Yes—you obviously have observed that my life is filled with difficult aspects, whereas I come to the meadow to escape all of it, but only for a little while. That does not mean I can just abandon it because it is difficult for me.”

Sable froze. Not even the swirling wind could cause him to budge as the truth of our reality suddenly hit him, like a porcelain cup shattering, no longer capable of holding tea.

While Sable suggested abandoning my life to move to the meadow, a sense of discomfort overshadowed us and I turned my face away while the fire still cast its fading heat. I was so tired of other people suggesting better ways of life for me. Now, Sable was joining the voices?

Or, was his intention something different?

“I’m sorry for even suggesting an idea,” Sable mumbled, his tone obvious of disappointment.

“I’m sorry for yelling,” I said. “I guess we both come from very different lives, different homes, different expectations. Our meadow gives us relief from those expectations, but our responsibilities are still lingering with us—no matter where we go. I know you probably think I’m miserable all the time, but I am making a good life for myself—finally.”

“Perhaps, however,” Sable said, pausing as he stood up, and his wings vibrated as she ruffled his feathers. I watched as he looked at the cedar forest, and crossed his arms. He then walked slightly away, towards the cliffside. The wind blew through his untamed hair, his broad wings twitched, and he sighed heavily, settling from our heated discussion.

“However, the world is large, and there are many other ways of life, many possibilities. Regardless of our destined expectations from others, regardless of the life set before us, do you really want to live your life to fulfill others’ wants and expectations? Maybe you are making a better life, but under what control do you still linger? You say you don’t have the luxury of living apart from those who cause you pain.”

I felt paralyzed; numb to everything but the heat rising in my face and the heaviness on my throbbing chest. Sable glanced back at me, most likely checking that I was still listening to him.

“The way I see it,” he continued, his voice speaking profoundly now that he most likely spent all winter thinking about these things, “I now know that I am questioning this very idea. I am questioning the very concept of my existence. Should I continue living a life based on others’ ideals, or do I not know what could be better for myself, or at least can I not learn such attributes for myself? Who is to say others’ ideas of life are better than the next person? Who? Why? Can we not make a life good for ourselves, based on what we love and desire? For, in the end, whose life are we responsible for anyway? Is it not our own life? And why would we allow others to completely control us, especially if their ideas do not line with our own personal love and desires?”

Sable’s words rang through the air, his wisdom wise beyond my imagination. I had heard so many times before how I was wasting my life, wasting my potential, yet no one ever explained why it mattered. No one ever explained that my existence was more than just for others to control, or the very idea that my life could be my own. At first, I was afraid Sable was only interested in forcing me into a future he thought more suitable.

Now, it felt that he was only expressing his own exploration of finding a better method in life as the lone Teragane desiring for more.

My hands shook as I gripped my skirt, and tears streamed down my face. My heart ached as I allowed Sable’s words to encircle me. I knew I needed a change, which is why I stood up for myself with Lara and Jamie. It was why I was considering a new position in the mine. It was why I was standing up for myself against my mother’s words, why I’m trying to fight for the things that are important to me.

But, I was still weak. I still lived according to the way my world functioned. I couldn’t always make those choices for myself, and I did not believe running away to the meadow to live my simple days was the answer, for those things would still linger, and I had come ever so far to fight my way out of the hell-hole I was born into.

“Perhaps—“ I said, breaking the silence, and I rubbed my nose and wiped my cheeks. “Perhaps all you say is true. Perhaps ideals and expectations should be challenged, but—” my voice broke, and I winced as the tears only continued to fall. Suddenly, I felt Sable’s warmth next to me as he kneeled in front of me, and placed a hand next to my leg.

“Maybe I am not ready to challenge such things,” I finally said. Sable gave a sigh of relief, and reached his hand out to me. Still feeling frozen and numb, I did not put my hand in his, for, I couldn’t move as the walls I had built around my aching heart were crumbling in a way I was not used to.

“There is no rush,” he said, his voice soft and loving. “Take your time to find your strength.”

My hanging head drifted forward, and my head rested upon his chest. Then, he wrapped his hand behind his back, and he pulled me close to his side.

“Lillie,” he said while moving his head against mine, “I want to understand your life. I want to know more about the important relationships you have.”

“I know you do,” I said confidently and used my cloak to wipe my tears. “It’s just—“ My voice faded again.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain yourself today. I just want you to know that I care deeply about you and your life. I don’t want you to make choices based on my desires, but I would like to know more about the struggle of why you cannot choose a luxury of being free from the expectations burdening your shoulders. You say you’re making a better life, yet you cry as if my words cut like a deep wound within your heart. When you’re ready to explain things, or help me understand, I’ll be here, waiting.”

“Okay.”

Unable to utter anything else, nor hold back the agony gushing from my eyes, I threw my arms around his torso, and clung to him as he slowly moved me to my side, and I whimpered as I allowed the flood of emotions to flow from my broken walls. I felt horrible and miserable inside, but the sense of safety I experienced wrapped up in Sable’s arms allowed me to accept the overwhelming emotions erupting from the depths of my soul.

He leaned down to kiss the top of my head as I gripped tightly against his cloak, and steadied my breathing as I listened to his heartbeat. When I thought my heart couldn’t take anymore, he moved his wing around to cover me, causing my body to tremble at the thought of being so gently cared for by Sable.

My thoughts wandered about all the things I had dealt with over the years. All the people who caused me problems, or caused me harm. The people who cared about me, Lara, Jamie, Historia, Jadis; the neighbors who just simply existed in my world; my own parents who seemed to care but often in a selfish way. I thought about the people in the mine: Tim, Aro, Mira, David, and now Taffy. The other workers who I passed every day, yet never learned their names. The Keepers who bullied people into sharing their hard earned money, the Masters who cryptically ran Cedrus City.

Why am I thinking about all these people now?

Then, I thought about Sable. I thought about his words from our discussion:

“Can we not make a life good for ourselves, based on what we love and desire? For, in the end, whose life are we responsible for anyway?”

The power in his words, the strength in his determination, and the insight of his wisdom allowed me to question who he really was. Did I not think highly enough of his credibility? Was I not trusting enough to understand that his desire to challenge life was only out of his love?

Was it really love after all?