XLV

You sat on the floor of the inn, muscles loose from yoga poses and in the line of the sun rays so the warmth hit your back just right. You took a breath and focused on the book in front of you. You moved your legs into the full-lotus position, each foot sole up on the opposite thigh as instructed. You shifted mindlessly on the pillow you sat on, trying to get comfortable in the awkward position. You held your hands in front of you, cupped and palms upward, and relaxed every muscle you could. Consciously unclenching your jaw and letting go of the tenseness in your shoulders while keeping good posture wasn't the easiest but you did the best you could. You knew it would get better with time.

When you thought your body had been sufficiently relaxed, you looked down at the book once more. Multiple descriptions of how to focus, to let go of physical discomfort, strong emotions, noise, etc. You decided to pick the easiest one.

You shifted once more to try and rid yourself of the last of your restless energy, before finally settling down. Taking a deep breath, you closed your eyes. Following one of the descriptions, you focused on your head, smoothing out the furrow of your brows, letting your lips fall open slightly as you breathed. You moved down to thinking about your shoulders, lowering them, releasing the tension of your arms. You kept going lower, unclenching your fingers, softening your abs, untensing your thighs, but your scalp began to itch, and pinpricks sparked all over your face and neck and chest, inviting you to scratch and move.

You groaned and took another breath, repositioning yourself, trying to remain concentrated. You tried another technique. Imagining yourself as hollow, you thought of each individual organ within you and how it was functioning and moving. You thought of your stomach and liver and pancreas, all fading to dust. Your heart and lungs, every muscle shriveling and falling away. I'm not looking within my body. You tried to think. I'm looking within my mind, trying to find the barrier of my mind, trying to connect with it.

But even the cliche words couldn't stop the incessant need to wiggle your toes, clench the muscles in your thigh, or crack your knuckles. The tight posture of your back was beginning to grow uncomfortable, and an ache was appearing in your bent ankles and knees.

When it became clear you wouldn't be able to refocus on your breathing, you groaned in frustration and flopped back on the floor. "Damnit!" Your fingers curled in your hair and pulled, trying to calm some of that restless energy within you by restoring feeling to your previously numbing body. "How the fuck am I supposed to do this when I can't even sit still for five fucking minutes?"

Traitorous tears heated the corner of your eyes, the pure frustration at failing to do something so ridiculously simple angering you. You dug the heels of your palms into your eyes to stop the tears from flowing.

You don't know how long you laid there, hands covering your eyes and nails digging into your hairline, but you snapped out of it when you heard the door of the inn room open and shut. Sitting up properly you saw Ariel standing in the doorway, eyebrows raised.

"Why are you on the floor?" He said easily, voice light and calm, a welcome balm to your swirling emotions.

"Well," You started, your voice more choked up than you realized. "Aether's out gathering plants or something and you went out for a fly, so I figured I'd try this meditation stuff."

"Not going well, I assume?" He moved to sit in front of you, legs crossed and dark eyes soft. His clothes fluttered around him as he sat, not gathering any of the stray dust or dirt on the floor.

"Is it that fucking obvious?" You snapped. Ariel only stared, giving no reaction to your harsh words and you felt a sense of sudden embarrassment creep over you. "'m sorry. I shouldn't be mean. I'm... I'm frustrated and ashamed... I think."

"Of what?" Ariel had that terribly patient look on his face. That look that meant he was giving you his full attention, that he was listening.

"Because this should be easy!" You whined. "All I'm doing is fucking sitting here, listening to myself breathe and I can't stop moving and everything's itchy and I'm uber conscious on the gas building up between my joints and I need to crack them and why can't I just focus?!"

Ariel didn't say anything, not even when you took a breath. You belatedly realized that those tears you had been trying so hard to push back were flowing down your face.

"Cus this shit is important! Because I'm here things are changing, which is fine, but what if something really bad happens and I could've found out about it by connecting with these premonition powers or the barrier of my mind or whatever Ms. Jinfeng said and I didn't find out because I'm shit at this and Aether or Paimon or anyone gets hurt!" You took a gasping breath, your nose clogging up from how much you were crying.

"And it's so fucking embarrassing now that I'm sitting here crying like a child because I can't do this simple thing. And I know it doesn't always come on the first try but that doesn't stop me from being angry that I can't do this! I just- I just want to be able to do it now!"

To your relief, Ariel didn't look particularly upset or uncomfortable with your outburst, his face hardly moving. He silently held open his arms and you immediately fell into them, his arms going loosely around you as you laid your head on his shoulder. One of his hands eased onto your own, which had once again been buried in your hair. He gently detangled your fingers and brushed down your hair, moving to settle your hands in your lap.

"Have you tried approaching this in a different way?" He said calmly.

"What way?"

He shrugged. "Like the way you approached archery, swordplay, claymore training. What made it so you didn't have this reaction with those?"

You scoffed. "Those aren't the same as this."

"Why?"

"Because with swordplay and archery and claymore training, I'm actually doing something! I'm moving and I'm talking to you, and I can hear the people around us!" You waved your arms around. "Here I'm sitting and thinking and breathing. I can't- there's nothing around! The silence, it's so aggravating! It's like pressure that makes me itch all over and I can't focus! There's no- no stimulation!"

"Well, there's the solution right in front of you," he smiles. "I'll just do it with you."

"Won't that be a distraction?"

"It's like you said [Y/n], meditation won't come on the first try and it's not as 'simple' as you keep saying, It's quite difficult for a lot of people." The hand not holding your own was rubbing comforting circles in your back, his head leaned against your own. "We can start easier. We can go outside and sit by a stream, have a little noise so it won't feel so empty but not enough that it'll distract you, at least not for long. We can meditate for shorter periods of time, fifteen, thirty minutes. You don't have to do multiple hours straight away. We can work through your frustrations; you can always speak to me.

If I'm being honest, I'm not surprised you got frustrated so fast. You tried to do too much too quickly, and you're already high strung. I know you're nervous about Inazuma and its problems, and that's not going to go away with a few yoga stretches. You just have to accept that this is something that'll make you uncomfortable and will take time to work through."

Calmer than you had felt in a while, you laid lax across Ariel's legs, fully in his lap, clasping his hands. Your cheek was smushed against his shoulder and you sighed. "Sometimes I forget you're actually old and have experience and shit."

He scoffed, bumping his chin on your forehead. "I'm not old. Also, I know you. I've known you your whole life. I know what to say to help."

"Yeah, you're my philia pragma storge love." You mumbled. "Also are you not old in people years or angel years? Cus I feel like that's preeeeeetty different."

"If you keep talking about how old I am, I will dump a bucket of ice water over your head when you least expect it."

"Are we back in 2014?" You chuckle. You quieted after a moment. "Thank you for being there for me. I know I don't really say it all too much, but I really appreciate everything you do for me. You're like my rock, and I mean it, I do love you. Very deeply. You're one of the best things that's ever happened to me. I feel like we're just connected in a way I've never felt with another person, you know?"

"Yeah," he whispered. His voice was so soft that you were sure if your ear wasn't right next to his mouth, you wouldn't have heard it. "I know. And I love you too." He pauses. "When you were asleep, when you were kidnapped, it was really hard. I've been by your side for so long. Been through your highs and lows, but those? They were really really low, and I was worried you wouldn't make it out so many times."

You wrapped an arm around Ariel's waist, another around his shoulders and brought him into a tight embrace. His head was buried in the side of your neck, and you felt his shaky breaths against your skin.

"Watching you lay in that hospital bed, ashen and sick and with such a delicate heartbeat... it felt like a piece of me was getting closer to death every single day." His voice cracked and you felt his hands bunch up your shirt in his fists.

You both sat there for who knows how long, arms strong around the other, tears finally drying. You pulled back to see your angel's face. Tear marks marred his normally bright face, redness lined his almond eyes, and there was a small cut to his lip from where he had been biting it. His hair was mussed, and you threaded your fingers through it to give it some level of neatness again.

"Just like you want me to," you started, making sure Ariel was paying attention, so he knew you were serious. "I want you to talk to me. I don't know if I'm as good as you with all the emotional maturity and working out your issues stuff, but I want to be there for you, the way you're there for me. Okay?"

"Yeah, okay." A small smile was back on his face, and it almost shocked you how comforting that was.

"Now go wash your face, you have tears covering all that angelic beauty." You swiped harshly across his cheek, making him bat your hand away.

"Okay alright. You do the same. You look like a horror show. Like one of those freaks put in cages in those side show trailer circus things."

You gasped, hand to your heart. "Ariel, how dare you. If anything, you'd be the circus freak."

"They can't even see me. Besides, I'm too beautiful." He chuckles and shuffles you off his lap.

"And I'm not?!" You lay on the floor, limbs splayed like a starfish as he goes to wash his face.

A deep content fills you. In your first life, you never had anyone like Ariel. Someone who understood you and was there for all your embarrassing moments, one who helped you when you needed, one you helped in return. It was a strange feeling to recognize considering how long you realized you had been feeling, and how you were beginning to feel it for others.

It was most prominent in Aether, obviously. His little brother energy was off the charts, and it inspired in you a protective force you didn't even know existed. You wanted to care for him, be there for him, help him, and encourage him. It was another connection you'd never had before. Never had you wanted to see someone succeed as badly as you wanted to see Aether, never had you wanted to lift someone up so highly and see them smile.

And these connections, you can see them growing in more than just Ariel and Aether. You see them in the trust you feel when you fight beside Kaeya, in the stoney concern Diluc shows you. You see it in the shared playfulness of you and Venti, the belief placed in you by Barbatos. And you see it in the way Xiao holds you, how he lets you touch his wings, something you knew couldn't be easy for him given the last treatment they got.

The love and trust and care surrounding you on every side was almost overwhelming, but you reveled in it, wanting to give it all back tenfold. You wanted to feel with these people, you wanted to be with them, for as long as you could.