f i v e

chapter 5: eyes.

"you did it wrong again."

jisung blinked his eyes twice, trying to get which steps he got wrong.

"this!"

he flinched at that.

felix stared at his friend in pity. lately jisung is loosing his focus in everything he does. no one knows why.

"this is the third time, han! did you even pay attention?!"

if only felix could take his place, he would have done that long ago. the dance teacher was clearly under the weather today even before the lesson starts.

"i'm sorry..." jisung panted while lowering his head. he felt embarrassed in front of felix, seungmin and jeongin. the other three were doing so well and here's him messing up the practice.

the dance teacher huffed angrily. "one more time!"

jisung closed his eyes tightly before doing the steps again. his mind was full of profanities.

that he threw towards himself.

——

"are you sure you don't need to rest?" seungmin asked worriedly when that evening jisung informed he'd be doing some vocal practice. he was about to open the practice room but seungmin was fast to stop him. "you're exhausted."

"i'm perfectly fine."

"the word perfectly made it seems more like you're not." the younger guy slung his arms against his chest. "go get some rest."

jisung shook his head. he pushed seungmin aside and went in. he locked the door afterwards to prevent from seungmin going in. he just needed some times alone.

the dim light illuminated the room. jisung sat on the chair in front of the keyboard and let out a long sigh. he rested his head back and looked up with his eyes closed.

if only that day didn't happen...

the buzz sound from his phone caught him off guard. he reached for the phone and read the notifications.

unknown number

stay away from him, you gross.

do you think you're special

to him?

die.

"....."

"guess that day was a mistake... huh..?"

that day. the day when hyunjin filmed his vlog.

no, they didn't upload the part they were hugging or hyunjin kissing his head. the manager asked them to edit that out.

but they kept the moment where hyunjin talked about jisung always ask for kisses. it was totally fine for both of them even their managers since it can be reflected as friendship habits but some die-hard fans took it too seriously.

can be said as toxic fans and delulus.

ever since the day hyunjin's vlog was uploaded, his personal twitter account was trending with his name along with hyunjin. he was happy to see most of the fans are cooing and adore their friendship about the kisses. however, that doesn't mean he didn't get the hate.

he got them. in fact, it was more then he'd expected.

jisung cannot blame anyone. he cannot blame hyunjin for talking about it and the managers for not editing that out. he wanted to be mad at the toxic fans but he couldn't. living as an idol, he cannot show his other side in front of the public. the mentality of the netizens are all idols have to be friendly, kind and have to put their smiles on at all times. they are treated like a robot not as a human being.

before debuting he had considered the pros and cons of being an idol. he was sure he'd be ready to face the public criticism but now he didn't know what to do. it had been three days since he got unknown messages from his sns and bubbles yet none of his members found out about this.

he wanted to tell hyunjin but he didn't want to make him feel guilty. so all he can do now is keep it to himself. but can he do that, though?

he don't know.

jisung tried to reach the high notes in their song phobia but his voice cracked halfway. immediately, the squirrel cheeks threw the microphone on the floor and grabbed his fringe with both hands.

even this is fucked up.

i can't even do anything right.

they are right, i'm useless.

i'm useless to this group i cannot do anything unlike everyone else.

his phone dinged again. jisung cared less if it affects him or not. he unlocked his phone and forced himself to read the harsh messages.

do diet. be like your other members.

improve your dance will you? forgetting choreography is so unlike idol.

gosh why did chan take you in? he should have taken allen instead.

your voice. we don't like your voice.

you're just earning popularity from hyunjin.

stay away from him, you're no match.

he forced more. and more.

until he whimpered alone and the pool of tears ran down his cheeks.

is this what they saw me all this time?

a loud knock surprised him. jisung quickly raised the volume of the song to ignore whoever was outside. he needed to do this. he had to read all those comments to see what he actually is and compared with what he thought he is all this time. if not now then when?

"jisung!"

he ignored the call. however that only lasts for a minute when the door was unlocked out of sudden. he whipped his head to see hyunjin panting.

"h–hyunjin..."

said guy closed the door and immediately engulfed the crying mess jisung in a big hug. as soon as he got into hyunjin's safe embrace he cried more, letting out the bits of sadness that left in him.

"it's okay i'm here."

jisung clutched his fists on his shirt and spoke up with his trembling voice, "am– am i not good enough?"

"did i disappoint e-everyone?"

"was all the praises were just a lie?"

"i-is it wrong...?"

hyunjin's heart clenched when hearing his best friend asked all that. he shook his head and tightened the hug with a hand caressing jisung's head. "sshhh ji, they are wrong. don't listen to them."

"h-hyunjin if i'm n-not in this group–"

"you're never not in this group, jisungie. you're always a part of us since the day we're assigned to work together," he felt tears gathering at the corner of his eyes. "w-without you we're incomplete. those people who said otherwise don't know anything. they are just ignorant."

"but–"

he was cut off when hyunjin cupped his cheeks and wiped away the tears. jisung could see his glassy eyes. "did you read all of them?"

the younger nodded as he sobbed.

"oh, baby," hyunjin pursed his lips, trying his best not to cry in front of the latter. "you know you're way more better then what they think, right? these five years proved all of them wrong."

his voice was shaking.

"there'd be people who always want to bring us down and we cannot escape from it. but we're a team, a family, right? we still have each others' back whenever they go against us. you can always tell us everything so please don't bottle up your feelings again. it's hurting you, and all of us."

"h-how did you know a-about th-this?"

"it's all over the internet, sungie." hyunjin sadly smiled which made jisung cried louder. he kept saying sorry and his grip on the shirt tightened. hyunjin's shirt was crumpled but he didn't care about it.

"why are you saying sorry? it's not your fault."

jisung shook his head. his whole body trembled. that broke hyunjin. "jisungie,"

"m-my fault..."

the older wiped off the tears again. he then stroke jisung's cheek softly to calm him down. he couldn't say anything because he didn't trust his voice at the moment.

leaning down, hyunjin kissed on top of jisung's eyes. his lips were quivering but the warmth of it immediately reduced jisung's sobs. just like what he wanted.

"you're not at the blame, jisung," he whispered. "never underestimate yourself. you know you better. and i know you better than anyone else out there does."

"so please, don't read those messages anymore. we can buy a new number if you'd like, okay?"

jisung's breathing slowly became normal back. he lightly nodded at the suggestion. his eyes felt heavy after all the crying for three days straight.

hyunjin stroke his hair with a soft smile. "i love you, sung. don't hesitate to tell me whenever this thing happens again please. we'll help you, okay?"

°°°

💃no hate intended to allen <3