Chapter CHAPTER IX: RED SMOKE (5)

The night had fallen. The Queen was in the tile factory, her old home. She had spent the afternoon caring for her mother. Adelia’s pupils had fallen. Her face looked weak, and she had been in bed for four days straight.

“This is the last spoonful of oatmeal, mother” said the queen. “Why you don´t want to eat?”

“Daughter, you’ve been here all afternoon. Shouldn’t you attend a dinner with Argôn?” asked th eldest woman.

“Yes, mother, but you need my care. I can’t leave you alone in this state.”

“Your father would be very proud of you,” she exclaimed. “But you must go, my daughter. Why do I feel that you have been trying to avoid Argônæth?”

“Mother, I’m here because I want to take care of you. Argôn can live his life alone.”

“Daughter, I know you very well. I know you’re tense, tell me. What’s the matter with him?”

“It’s not with him, mother”

“Then tell me what it is?” asked Adelia.

“It is a void that I am feeling, an extreme presumption that weighs on me, and brings with it an inevitable mortal fall. An evil is coming, I can feel it. This coming one is to fear, and it is mortifying to think that only I feel it; only I live with its deep pain.”

“I do feel like I am a better person” said the queen. “And the things that surround me seem to be better than ever. I should feel gratitude for what we have achieved. I should be grateful, mother, but I am not.”

“But where does this come from, daughter?”

“They are dreams, mother. They are visions.” exclaimed the bewildered woman. “They have come back, and they are worse this time. It’s so easy for Argôn, he doesn’t understand. I know he tries to support me, but he can’t do it because he doesn’t know how it feels, what it feels like. This fall is inevitable, mother, and I don’t know what Elgoneth is capable of doing.

“I feel that we are escaping from our destiny” she continued. “From our impending destruction, but I don’t know if it’s because of fear that I have these visions; I don’t understand why I feel so alone, so isolated. I don´t know what to do.”

The woman began to cry ceaselessly; letting off steam with her mother. She was desperate, because it was not her will to think and feel this way.

“It seems that Elgoneth is trying to give you a message” exclaimed Adelia. “And I believe, you will not rest, until you decipher it. You’ve been in this for years.”

“What should I do, mother?” asked the Queen.

“Go to your gardens,” says Adelia. “Sit down and talk to him in there. Ask him to help you understand; to help you discern. To help you decipher this. Express yourself, and tell him clearly what you want. Open your heart with him daughter, for although he is not physically here, he is always listening.”

The Queen finished giving her mother the food, and headed cautiously with her green hood to one of the beautiful gardens. She got lost in this one, because it looked like a maze of roses. She didn’t remember how complex it was. She found one of the wooden benches, and sat on its planks. She settled down, and after a while in silence, took a deep breath, and decided to open herself up.

“From my energy a love so beautiful, so beautiful blooms” she exclaimed, “such a pure and delicate energy. I had never felt so impregnated with love. I had never felt so many positive elements as I feel now, but this version of me, comes with a price. The other side of the coin. There are immense waves of pain, of doubt, of agony, of confusion. I have visions full of hopelessness; of instability. Unpleasant dreams and drowning currents of sadness, loneliness, depression. Of which I have no control. I have never had it. I thought they were gone, but they never left. They had never entered my heart so deep.”

“I don’t understand why this is happening again” said the woman. “I don´t deserve this. I feel like I can’t anymore. I feel that life demands me and I also demand myself, but I can’t do it anymore. I have everything I always dreamed of, and yet I am blocked. I feel emotionless, and even though I want to move forward, to fight one last battle, I feel like I can’t. I feel lonely, even if I´m not. Why do I feel this way?”

“I feel it has been too much” she continued, “and I have a hard time acting with a fresh mind or fresh feelings. It is the saddest situation. I question my decisions every damn second. I always try to do my best. And I would like you to appreciate this. I would like you to appreciate this titanic effort I make to keep standing up. For keep having faith, believing in your grace. For believing a miracle is possible. I would like something to raise me up, something to raise us up; not something that sinks me further, much less something that sinks into this Kingdom. I want life to recognize me and accept that. I have done my best, and I don’t deserve to be feeling like this, no matter what happened or could happen.”

“I would like to feel appreciated for having the courage to love myself and others” she said, “For this effort to remain a light for my people, even when feeling this sorrow haunting me, for years. I want to end this cloud of darkness. It is as if I were attacked by shadows, which do not belong to me. I don’t deserve them, but for some reason I must take responsibility for them. Why? It is not easy to live this alone. It never has been and I have committed to you, believing in you for trying to be better. I understood that it would take time, I have been patient and I strive to remain so.”