Not Yet

It took two days for me to learn how to shift back into my human form. Two days of being trapped in a strange world of blue and flickering light. I wasn't alone. There were dozens of Merrow who went through their first shifts that night- the magic holding them back breaking at the moment of my father's death. But I avoided anyone who approached me.

By the time I figured out the trick to shifting, my tail felt as familiar to me as my legs. The need to constantly escape others was a good motivator for mastering the mermaid life.

On the morning of the third day, I slipped out of the sea as the first rays of the sun shot orange across the sky. I wobbled with every step, and a few scales still clung to my skin- mostly around my breasts and waist. I wasn't sure if it was a matter of practice or modesty. Either way, I appreciated the cover.

A short walk brought me to a cottage nestled against a craggy cliff. I'd chosen this location because of the house and its clear lack of occupants. The state of the inside confirmed my suspicions. Dust coated every surface until the original color of the walls and floors was a mystery. Cobwebs fit for a haunted house clung to the ceilings and corners, and most of the windows were busted.

My first order of business was finding something to wear. I didn't care what the other Merrow said or did. Walking about in the nude held no appeal, but my options were limited unless I wanted to brave the old stairs to the second floor. The first wooden step nearly buckled beneath my foot so I settled for a sheet covering a rocking chair.

The cloth was as old as everything else in the house. The hem was ragged, and I had to be careful when I was tying it around me as it tore at the slightest tug. I wrapped it over one shoulder and knotted it at my waist. It ended at mid thigh- higher than I liked, but better than naked.

Strange, the sense of comfort that washed over me from something as simple as wearing clothes. It made me feel like me. Isla. A human girl from Mississippi. Not this creature of myth. This orphan.

A choked sob escaped, and I pressed my head against the wall. Not once in the last two days had I let myself cry. I wasn't sure if I deserved to. My father might have saved my life, but one good deed didn't erase the past. It didn't change the fact that he was willing to sacrifice me when it had been on his own terms.

Losing him reinforced a fact I'd tried to ignore during those weeks before my birthday. Being hurt or disappointed by another person didn't mean you stopped loving them. I wanted so badly to hate him. I stopped calling him dad. I told myself I didn't need him in my life. My friends were enough. But those were all lies I told myself to keep a bandage over the wound festering in my heart.

The truth was, I'd been mourning his loss far longer than two days.

Wiping the tears from my cheeks, I straightened. Technically, I wasn't an orphan. My mother was living, but once the initial shock of her reappearance wore off, I stopped feeling so grateful. After all, she abandoned me to this fate. She knew what had to happen and rather than fight for me; she left. She was no better than my father in that regard.

So where did that leave me? After two days of floating above white sand ocean bottoms and staring up through the blue, I didn't have an answer. Part of me wanted to go back home. I could live with Mel until we graduated. Go to college. Be human. The other part of me wondered if that was possible, and now that I'd returned to land, I knew it wasn't.

The sea sang to me. The shore was yards away, but my heart thudded in the same rhythm as the waves. My skin tingled with the constant desire to change forms, and my tongue tasted like the salt and sand that filtered through the gills on my neck.

I was as Merrow as I was human. It was terrifying how fast this new part of me became indispensable.

That left me with one choice. Hiding away here until I figured myself out. Away from anyone who might be tempted to sway me to their side. No matter how well intentioned they were.

A creak sounded from the stairs, and I jolted in shock as a wisp of a woman descended. Black hair curled around her diamond shaped face, and green eyes cloaked with melancholy studied me. Awareness ghosted over my skin, but I couldn't quite place her. Her fingers fluttered as they picked at the long, rotten skirt she wore. The shirt wasn't much better. It was so sheer I could see the pink of her skin when she stepped in front of a shaft of sunlight slipping through the window.

"You look deep in thought," she whispered.

"Wh-who are you?"

"Am I so changed?" she asked, crossing the room to a mirror on the wall. She ran her hand over the surface, dislodging the dust. The glass was old. The type that would be imperfect even if it was clean. "I only saw myself once after it happened."

It clicked. She was so different. None of the ethereal beauty she possessed above the water lingered. Before me stood the girl as she appeared when she was human.

"Lorelei?"

"Yes."

I recoiled as she approached, but she didn't halt her progress. She took my hand and drew me toward her. Dimples marked her cheeks, twins to the two in my mother's face.

"You favor Jamie." She pulled on the end of an auburn curl and then touched my nose. "He always hated his nose. Said it was too feminine. Too much like his mother's. It suits you."

"Why are you doing this? You killed my father."

A shadow slid across her face. "I would say that I am sorry, but the words would ring false to your ears no matter how much truth existed in them."

"You're right. You can be sorry for a lot of things now that you have your legs back. You got what you wanted."

She pulled on my hand, dragging me outside. Drab clouds moved in from the west, swallowing the morning light as they approached. It hadn't rained in several days, and the breeze carried the smell of petrichor from a distant downpour.

We stopped on the beach, just far enough that the waves couldn't reach our feet. Lorelei bit her lip as she watched the sea. Despite only being able to see her profile, I knew what she was feeling. I felt it too whenever I looked at the great expanse of cerulean sea. Trepidation. Awe. Dismay. Fear. Love. So much emotion stirred up by a single entity.

"The curse breaking didn't give me back my legs," Lorelei said after a long stretch of silence.

Unable to help myself, I prompted, "Then how are you standing here?"

"Do you know what I wished for when I first became a Siren? In the moments after I was reborn? A chance to make the people on this Island feel just a fraction of the pain I'd felt. I believed men were incapable of loving anyone but themselves, and so I asked to take away that which they valued most. Most would think that was the cruelest part of the curse. The deaths of men who wouldn't submit to me, but I always thought it was the women who suffered most. You see, surviving is often worse than dying. Dying is easy."

Her words struck me hard. It was almost as if she knew what would have happened to Kieran if I'd died that night.

"That's what I'd wanted to do that night I threw myself from the cliff. Jamie's blood was wet on my hands. I wanted to die with him so I wouldn't have to live with my guilt, but the Fates decided that's exactly what I deserved. So I became a monster."

When my father told me Lorelei's story, it had outraged me. Now, that same burn churned in my stomach. In a lot of ways, we were alike. Both products of manipulation. Only, she'd gone down a path of darkness.

Tears beaded on Lorelei's dark lashes. "After the curse broke and I learned of Molly's treachery, I wallowed. How was I still stuck in this form while those who were just as guilty as me were free?"

"But now you're free too."

"There are two ways to break a curse. One is fulfilling the requirements of the curse."

"And the other?"

"A curse is only a curse because it has the power to hurt you. When it stops being a punishment, then it's broken. I accepted my Siren form as what I deserved for my crimes."

She walked forward until she was knee deep in the water. Foam churned about her legs, and her skin sparkled like star-flecked dew.

"What's happening?" I demanded as she sank lower into the water, her skin going translucent.

"The legs were only a means to an end. A chance to set things right."

"But, I don't forgive you," I snarled. I didn't know why it panicked me so to see her go.

"That's never what I needed," Lorelei replied. Her expression was serene as she looked at the heavens. "I had to forgive myself. Go back to the people who love you. Take strength and comfort from them. You'll need it for the days ahead."

"Lorelei," I shouted, darting after her.

The water felt like silk against my skin, and the urge to change overwhelmed me. When my legs gave out, I dropped into a wave which pulled me out into the ocean, spinning me around until I was dizzy. When I gained my bearings, I propelled myself to the surface with a flick of my tail.

I swam to the place I saw her last. Her skirt and blouse marked the spot and all around the material seafoam gathered in an unnatural pattern. It swirled and spiraled into a tight knot before feathering out across the ocean until it dissipated entirely.

I remained there for what felt like hours, finally giving into tears. They fell freely, dripping down my chin and splashing into the sea. I cried for Lorelei and for Jamie. For my mother and the people who died in the cave collapse. For my father, misguided though he was. But most of the tears were for me. A selfish moment of acknowledging just how terrible all this was and refusing to let it remain inside- poisoning me until I resembled the monster who started this all.

And that's how Kieran found me. He said nothing. Just swam up behind me and slipped his arms around my waist. I put my hand on top of his admiring the way his scales flashed in the gray light. His tail curled around mine so he was supporting me fully. It allowed me to sink into his embrace and draw in a shuddering sigh.

"You okay?" he whispered.

"Not yet, but I will be."