Frustration

I can't explain how awesome it felt to have a guitar in my hands again. I woke up that morning determined to have my fingers back on the chords. I reached across the comforter for the supplies Nate had so thoughtfully bought me. I sat with a pencil and fresh, new notebook trying to get into the right frame of mind while thinking about possible lyrics and a melody.

The process seemed promising as I wrote a few words down on the lined paper, tucking the pencil behind my ear when I was finished. I reverted back to some of my older songs, believing I would receive some inspiration from my completed work.

As I strummed a few chords, Nate walked into the bedroom wearing boxers and nothing else, holding a tray filled with breakfast.

"Hungry? Maybe this will inspire you," he said as he plopped the array of morning goodies on the bed next to me.

I stopped playing for a second as he joined me on the end of the bed.

"Don't stop because of me," he said supportively.

I shook my head, "You're not," I said as I placed the guitar down behind me.

"So...what have you come up with?" he curiously asked.

"I'm kicking around some ideas, nothing concrete yet," I said nonchalantly as I picked at a piece of crispy bacon off the tray.

"I've got some plans for later, but you work, then we can play," he grinned, flashing his dimple on cue.

"I don't have to do this now."

Nate shook his head and would not take, "No," for an answer. As he exited the room, I reached for the guitar again. I decided to experiment with a few different arrangements, but I was having serious writer's block. For all the events leading up to that moment, I would've thought I'd have a whole album written already, but I couldn't come up with a simple starting point.

After an hour, my notebook looked like a mess with words written down then crossed off. After getting nowhere, I dressed for the day, deciding on some loungewear, because where could we really venture out to? I placed the phone Nate had given me in my pocket and decided to take a break from my disastrous start of my third album.

I found Nate in the living room with his feet up on the coffee table, fully dressed, washed and smelling unbelievably good from his cologne.

"You showered?" I said surprised.

"I brought my stuff upstairs to your old bedroom so I wouldn't bother you," he said.

"My old bedroom?" I repeated.

"Well, it's a bedroom you used and now you're not using it anymore...so yeah," he said, laughing slightly.

I walked around the couch and plunked down next to him. I leaned up against his shoulder and placed my feet on the coffee table next to his.

"This is nice," I said, embracing the quiet and the lack of drama.

Nate stroked my hair, contemplating his words carefully.

"When everything is settled, you will be back doing what you do best," he said encouragingly.

I turned towards him and glanced up as self-doubt started to rear its ugly head.

"I don't know if what I do is the best," I said introspectively.

"You're still living through a mess in real time. Your world out there will calm down like this," he pointed around the empty room, "and when it does, you will be back making music."

"The music isn't coming naturally right now," I said shaking my head, "maybe, I'm just a two-album girl."

"Are you kidding me?" he questioned.

The sound of the phone in my pocket interrupted any pep talk Nate was about to give me.

"Hi, Lily," I said, answering the phone and knowing the only person on the other end would be her.

I flashed a funny grin to Nate, acting like I was still present with him in the room and half-listening to anything my public relations expert was about to say.

"It's me, Nicky," Reed said in a softer tone.

I went from kidding around to flashing an awkward smile towards Nate, trying to diffuse the uncomfortable situation I found myself in. I quickly popped up out of my seat and walked to the other side of the room.

"Hi...how are you?" I asked, not knowing what to do as I turned my back to Nate knowing he must've assumed something was up.

"I'm fine. I just wanted to hear your voice and know that you were alright," he said sweetly.

"That's really nice of you. I'm fine, really," I said, glancing over in Nate's direction to find him with his entire body facing my direction, obviously my conversation had peaked his interest.

"Is Lily there?"

"You're getting rid of me that fast," Reed responded.

I nervously laughed, "Of course, not. I just want to make sure she's greenlighting this convo. I'm trying to follow her rules, you know how she gets," I said anxiously.

Reed assured me that Lily did know about the call, and that she was actually standing five feet away from him.

"I did have to bribe her," he said, laughing as I heard Lily in the background shouting, "NOT TRUE. "I couldn't help but smile at the thought of the two bickering back and forth, they were complete opposites.

I felt Nate's eyes piercing a hole into the phone trying to end the call. Before I could get Lily on the phone, Reed was adamant he wanted to apologize to me. He felt the fans were being too critical of me, and he hated that they had taken his side automatically. He even confessed he would've made something up to take the heat off of me if he had more time.

As I thanked Reed for the gracious and kind call, I tried turning my back to Nate as I softly spoke into the phone, hoping he couldn't hear much. A few seconds later, Lily grabbed the phone and revealed to me she had secured a major, sit-down interview with one of the biggest entertainment reporters around. Before I could ask her any questions, she was quick to add she wouldn't disclose anything else, and I'd have to live in suspense until the next day to find out all the details.

Right as I was about to end the call with Lily, I turned around to look at Nate. He quickly stood up, "I'm going to make some lunch," he said in a monotone voice, unable to disguise his jealousy.

I had no time to respond or react as he disappeared into the kitchen. A small part of me was relieved I had a few moments to gather my thoughts. Just like how the lyrics for my new song escaped me, I was at a loss for words on how to explain the phone call.

I walked out to the backyard where Nate was grilling hamburgers and hotdogs for lunch. I'd never seen a man flip a burger with one hand while holding a Corona in the other, all the while looking so sexy, but he accomplished the impossible feat. I stood in the doorway, trying to test the waters and assess Nate's reaction to my presence.

"You can come out here, I'm fine," he said without looking up at me.

I quietly walked towards the chairs and sat down.

"You want one," he said, finally glancing over in my direction and gesturing to his beer.

"Sure, I guess," I said.

He placed his beer down on the side of the grill and grabbed another one from a cooler underneath.

He walked over to me, removing the cap before nonchalantly handing me the cold bottle. He retreated back to the grill without a word.

"You know, he never slept in my bed," I said, trying to explain my relationship with Reed.

"Really Nick?" he said, turning around to look at me, annoyed I would even go there.

He focused his eyes back on the grill and aggressively started to rotate the hot dogs with some tongs.

"I'm trying to tell you he's a really nice guy. I'm not going to lie to you about that. We have a lot in common. He was a friend way before anything happened," I acknowledged without guilt in my voice until Nate interrupted.

"Sounds familiar."

"But he's not you."

Nate didn't respond and didn't turn around. Instead, he remained focused on his cooking and nothing else. I wasn't sure if any of my words were getting through to him so I took a few swigs of my beer for courage and stood up.

"Are you listening to anything I'm saying?" I asked.

As I walked towards him, he continued to be distant and unable to engage with me at that moment.

I walked up to him and placed my hand softly on his back.

"I never thought you'd come back into my life. Don't you understand by now, Reed never really had a chance. No one did. You were the only one I've ever wanted," I said emphatically.

Silence filled the air, then Nate simply turned towards me and embraced me for a long time. It was like he didn't want to let go of me, and I didn't want to let go of him.

"I'm sorry," he said as he hugged me even tighter.

We held onto one another for a long time as our lunch charred on the grill. We both didn't seem to care.