Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15 It’s Friday, early evening. Megan, James and I are sitting at the dining room table playing poker. Boone is laying under my feet, keeping them warm. A cold front has settled in around the Bay Area and it truly feels like one deep breath will freeze your lungs. I have the fire going but it’s not much to combat the chill in the air. Megan has an afghan wrapped around her shoulders and I’m sporting my brand new Snuggie that I ordered from Amazon. It has the face of a giant German Shepard printed on the front. It’s so hideous it’s actually cute. I thought Megan was going to bust a gut when I opened the door wearing it. Even now, an hour later, she’s still giggling.

Megan is winning this little tryst in poker. About a year ago it sort of fell into tradition after they joined me and John in Las Vegas for some promotional junket for one of John’s other clients. He thought my face may induce some nice publicity. It didn’t.

Even though we are only playing with change James is still sitting across from Megan wearing a glower that would combat John on any given day. Always the competitor, James hates loosing, especially when it’s to Megan who will shove this in his face for days to come. My pile of change is the smallest, of course, because my poker face is about as raw as roadkill.

“So, Sal. I was thinking about this the other day…how long has it been since you got Boone?” Megan says over her cards, “I call your 15, James, and I raise 5.”

James’s face turns one shade darker.

“It’s been four and a half years. Can you believe it?”

“I call,” James grumbles over his cards as he tosses in a nickel.

“Wow. That’s what I thought but I wasn’t sure.”

I glance at my cards and can’t help the frown that follows. Megan raises her eyebrow in her all-knowing way. James is too focused on his cards to pay any mind to my meager skills, or lack thereof.

“Oh fuck it. I fold.” I toss my cards onto the table and sit back, sipping my wine now that my hands are free. World Poker Championship will have to wait.

After the turn card has been revealed Megan and James go head to head. I thank my lucky stars I’m not sleeping with either one of them tonight. The river unveils one more ace on the table. That makes an ace of hearts, an ace of diamonds, a three of spades, a five of hearts and king of clubs. I’m glad I folded because I had nothing but a pair of three’s and knowing these two that wouldn’t be enough.

“So what will it be?” Megan gives James a challenging smile. “Show it, baby.”

James’s stoney face turns to a cocky smile as he lays out his cards, “Three kings, babe.” He sits back and folds his arms over his chest, basking in some glow I can’t see.

“Impressive.” Megan pouts but I know what to expect. “But that shit don’t beat three aces!” She smacks her cards onto the table, startling Boone. He groans with disapproval.

James shoots off his chair to inspect her hand, like that will somehow change the outcome. I scoot my chair back.

“Goddammit! Are you cheating? What the fuck?!” He’s vibrating with annoyance. Megan only smiles.

“No, my dearest husband. I’m not cheating. I’m just better at poker then you.”

Flames are shooting out of his ears as he stomps towards the backdoor, no doubt to smoke a cigar. For whatever reason that has become his post-poker game ritual, winner or loser be damned.

“What a child,” Megan says as she scoops up her change and dumps it into her purse.

“You could be a little less smug about it,” I suggest.

“Where’s the fun in that, though?” She waggles her eyebrows at me for effect.

I snort and go to retrieve the wine bottle sitting on the kitchen island. I refill our glasses, peek at James through the back window to make sure he hasn’t hung himself, and rejoin Megan at the dinner table.

“Sal? There’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about,” Megan’s playful demeanor has been replaced by something a little less confident. I don’t say anything so she will continue.

“It’s been over four years since Eric passed away. Don’t you think you should, at the very least, start dating again?”

I knew this conversation was coming and I applaud Megan for making it almost five years without a peep. But still, the idea makes me feel slightly nauseous.

I sigh, “I’ve been so busy with everything that has come up, it just didn’t even enter my mind.” I’ve been practicing that line for months now and it still comes out sounding lame.

“Oh really?” Skepticism drips off her voice like honey.

“…Sure…”

“It’s not just your poker face you need to work on, babe.”

“It’s just…I don’t know…I don’t…I don’t,” I frown, “I don’t see how I can love anyone the way I loved Eric. So why bother, right?” My logic makes sense to me, but then again I’m a rare breed.

Megan nods, “I see that. But, babe, we love different people differently. Who’s to say you can’t have another love with someone else someday? You just need to try.”

“What would Eric think?”

“I think he’d think, “Finally! My girl hasn’t gotten laid in years!”” That makes me laugh. “Really, though, Sal. I’ve never met anyone who’s had this long of a dry spell. How do you stand it?”

I squirm uneasily in my chair and consider my answer. “Let’s just say it’s not without difficulty.”

Megan huffs and says, “Girlfriend, I’m a heartbeat away from letting you borrow James.”

“Borrow me for what?” James says as he saunters from the kitchen, beer in hand, bad mood left in the dust. And just like that, he can shake off his lose. It really is like watching a child throw a tantrum.

“That was fast,” Megan exclaims.

“Sometimes the cigar makes me nauseous,” James shrugs as he takes a pull on his beer.

“So then why do you smoke it?” I ask.

“Because it makes me feel like a man.” James gives Megan a kiss on the top of her head, a signal that all is forgiven. “So what am I needed for?”

“Sal needs to get laid,” Megan says with absolutely no fanfare.

“Jesus Megan,” I mumble under my breath.

“It’s true.”

“And you’re idea was to pass me out like candy?”

“Not really…but you would be doing a service.”

“This conversation is not happening.” I whine.

“I am rather good at it.” Chest puff.

It’s like envisioning having sex with my brother. I shiver involuntarily.

“Sal, you’re hot, for sure, but I’m not going to sleep with you,” James says solemnly.

“For crying out loud! I. Wasn’t. Asking!” I much prefer when it’s me and Megan ganging up on James, or me and James ganging up on Megan. When directed at me, pertaining to my sex life nonetheless, I’m wishing the floor would open up and swallow me whole.

“But really, Sal. How do you not have any prospects? Do you walk around with a bag over your head everyday?” Megan asks with a mostly serious face.

“When I’m not actively looking it’s easy to ignore anyone coming on to me.”

“You should start looking,” James says softly, “I know Eric. He’s going to keep haunting you until you find someone.”

I don’t say anything to that. I just stare down at the floor like I’ve been caught with my hand in the cookie jar. Boone senses my discomfort and rises to his feet to plant his head in my lap.

“Oh my God…that’s it, isn’t it?” Megan looks truly shocked. “That’s why you won’t date anyone. You believe Eric will go away when you do.”

A silence falls over the house that you could cut with a knife. I’ve just been outed.

We all sit there, them staring at me and me staring at Boone and Boone staring at me. All eyes are on me. I don’t know what to say. I know it sounds preposterous but it’s how I’ve felt ever since that first fateful night when the lamp broke. If I allow myself to get involved with anyone Eric will leave. I can’t have that. I won’t have that.

For several minutes we play the mannequin game, no one moving or speaking. I’m ready to crawl under the table when Boone’s head lifts from my lap. His drunken ear twitches and he moves towards the stairs. He stands there and cocks his head back and forth, like he’s listening to something only he can hear. But then I realize I hear something too. I glance at Megan and James and notice they hear something as well. We move as one and follow Boone to the bottom of the stairs. Yes. I defiantly hear something. Music. From upstairs. I don’t even think as I take the stairs two at a time.

The music gets a little louder. It’s coming from our office. I open the door and see that the window is open and the stereo is on.

Megan and James follow me into the room and, as if someone takes cotton balls out of my ears, I finally register what song is playing.

“Always. By Bon Jovi,” I say softly.

I hear a stifled cry from behind me as Megan leans into James with her hand over her mouth, a joyous but weepy smile on her face. We stand there staring at each other, listening to the lyrics like it’s the first time we ever heard this song. Boone is nosing the window like he can somehow smell Eric. I have no doubt that he can.

The song finishes. Nothing else comes on. No commercials, no announcer, no nothing. No one says anything for a long time. I can feel Eric all around me and it’s like he’s giving me a big hug, telling me something I’ve been trying to avoid for years now.

“My God, Sal. I can’t believe it,” is all Megan can choke out.

I nod in agreement, not trusting my voice.

James disengages from Megan and walks over to me, placing a hand on my shoulder and leaning down to look me in the eyes.

“I think Eric is ready for you to start dating, sweetie.”

I half laugh, half sob. “Yes.” A part of me breaks while another part gets set free.