Nineteen - Ella

Slowly awareness seeped in, but I didn't open my eyes. Too scared by the realization that I was moving. Someone was holding me. Their arms wrapped around my body, keeping me in place.

My heart pounded against my ribs.

I needed to get away. Do something.

I kicked. I screamed.

The arms tightened around me and I fought harder against them.

"Ella!" My name was shouted by a strained voice. "Ella. It's me. It's Kyle."

My eyes popped open and settled on a familiar face. As the panic and fear rescinded, I remembered all that had happened. Hunter and I... we were take, tied up, and left for dead. But they got to us. Vaguely I remember my eyes falling over Kyle's face about the time my vision faded away. In the moment, my vision fuzzy and the light having created a halo effect around him, I had thought he was an angel there either to rescue me or lead me into the light, either felt reassuring in that moment. Realizing that it was him who had me now, my muscles relaxed. Without adrenaline flooding my blood became acutely aware of the pain. Every muscle and bone in my body felt sore.

"It's okay," he said, his voice smoothing over me, telling me I was safe.

But it wasn't okay. I wasn't okay.

"Put me down," I said, my voice cracking. When he didn't I yelled, "Put me down" again as I struggled to get out his arms.

His brow pulled together, blue eyes confused as he sat me to my feet. I didn't understand it either, why I wanted down. Away from him. But I couldn't stand it, being held. Having someone touching me. My eyes moved from Kyle to Miles, then Joel, Zero and Hunter. A hint of relief settled over me that he was okay. They all had the wore similar expressions.

Concern. Pity. Like I was a freak of nature that they didn't understand.

My head felt light for a moment and I held out a hand to stop the world from spinning. Kyle stepped forward.

"Please." I jerked away from the hand he offered.

"Why don't you sit down for a moment, Ella," Miles said, approaching me carefully. "You've got to be hungry."

If I tried to eat anything, I was sure I'd be sick. I shook my head.

"Wh-where are we?" I glanced behind me, squinting to see through the trees - see anyone who might be following us. I didn't see anyone. But I hadn't seen anyone the day before either. I hadn't seen anyone. I hadn't noticed anything.

I pulled in short, quick breaths that never seemed to fill my lungs. I couldn't catch my breath. My heart raced as I looked around. Hundreds of trees. They all seemed to close in on us. I couldn't see anything but the trees. A shadow caught my attention and then something, maybe a bird, moved rustling branches and causing my entire body to jolt in fear. Ready to run. Those people... they could have been anywhere. They could be watching. Waiting.

I didn't know if anyone answered me. I could see mouths moving, but I couldn't hear anything. Not a word.

Why were we standing. We should have been running for our lives.

Before I could take off doing just that, something was grabbing me - grabbing onto my hand. My scream was cut off as Hunter pulled me to face him. Releasing my hand, he grabbed onto my face and forced me to look at him. In his eyes I saw my own fears reflected. Somehow knowing he was scared too brought me back to earth. I didn't feel so alone in this.

"Remember what I told you?" Attempting to pull in a steady breath, I nodded. For good measure he repeated the same thing he had told me more than one in our night together. Every time I was ready to lose it either from pain or fear. "We're not safe yet, so you need to keep it together."

The reminder was enough to jolt common sense into me. I closed my eyes and focused on slowing my breathing. I counted. To ten and then to twenty. Thirty. Forty. By the time I reached fifty my breathing had evened out and I no longer felt close to having a heart attack. Hunter backed away by the time I opened my eyes but everyone was still watching me. Hunter was right. The same way he'd been last night. Now, with the possibility of taking down five other lives with me, was not the time to break. I could do this. I could keep it together.

I didn't have a choice.

I glanced over all them, staring at me like I might flip out again at any second. When my eyes met with Kyle's I forced a shaky smile.

"I'm sorry for uh..." Freaking out? Clawing at you like a crazy person? Screaming at you? I didn't really know how to finish that sentence.

"You don't have to apologize," he said but when he smiled, it didn't reach his eyes.

"But you do need to eat," Miles said handing me a bottle full of water and few strips of jerky.

I managed a couple bites which seemed to appease everyone enough that we could start walking again while I finished the food. My stomach still churned, they were all eying me so closely on our walk that I kept eating and then sipped at the water until it was gone.

I had been wrong about where we were. We were well out of the woods where Zero and I were attacked and into suburbia. In doing their best to keep us off the roads, Miles had navigated us so that we walked through a large park, a couple miles long. It was a park I'd been to before... When I realized where we were, walking through a park I had walked through so many times before, the pit that had been in stomach for days eased up. We were only a mile or so from the lab. It was walking distance — regular walking distance, not apocalypse walking distance from where I worked.

It wasn't long before we broke out of the cover the park offered. Harsh sunlight, no longer filtered by the trees, beamed down. Everything was so visible. We were so visible. And my feet didn't want to move.

Ten minutes. We were a ten minute walk from where we needed to get. We were almost there.

It's not time to freak out. We aren't safe yet.

Keep. Moving.

"Even if there are a thousand people looking for us the odds that someone is watching these streets at this moment are slim to none," Joel said noticing my reluctance.

He was right.

Keep moving.

Survive now. Break later.

I forced my feet forward, though it felt like they weighed a thousand pounds. Keeping up wasn't easy. Kyle looked at me like he wanted to pick me and carry me the rest of the way and the tiny reasonable part left inside me thought that might not be a bad idea. The rest of me couldn't come to terms with that. I wasn't mad at him. It wasn't Kyle's fault that I was taken. But the idea of being held... of not controlling where I was going or what I was doing. No. I would get there on my own two legs.

And finally we did.

The building wasn't anything fancy, though it was fairly large in size. Simple. Clean. A sign that read "Fountain Laboratories" in the parking lot was still in decent condition and the parking lot was completely empty. The lawn that was usually manicured to perfection was overgrown and wild, but otherwise it looked largely unchanged. Like coming home. In a strange sort of way. A security light glowed at the entrance that I bypassed. The front doors weren't opening short of breaking into them and there were much easier ways in. Taking lead, I walked around the back of the building to an emergency exit.

Flipping over the plastic covering for the keypad, I typed in the five number code that I had memorized before my own birthday. Pressing the pound key, I let out a breath when the small light flashed green and the internal mechanics keeping the door sealed unlocked. A collective sigh was released behind me as I pushed the door open. Everyone walked into the dark windowless hall, only lit by dim security lights and I closed the door behind me, pausing to listen for the locks to secure again.

When I turned back to the group, everyone was facing me. Looking to me for the next move. Reminding me that this was my show now. They got me here and now it was my turn.

"There are beds—cots, I mean. From...um... clinical studies we did."

It was Joel that voiced what they were all thinking. "Clinical studies? You mean where you created zombies?" His voice wasn't malicious, but the judgment was clear.

I cringed. "I know..." my voice cracked so I paused to clear my throat before continuing. "There was a lot of good done here."

I don't know why I was defending this. Maybe because it was all I had known. But it was also the truth. So much good had come from here. I took a breath and tried to explain.

"H-26 wasn't... It didn't undergo a clinical study. The first human injected with H-26 to my knowledge was Dr. Fairchild. And that didn't happen at this lab, it was in his private home. So," I clapped my hands together, "no zombies here. If you go left up here that hall will take you straight to the lobby. Take the stairs up one flight and you'll see a waiting room labeled clinical trials. Past those doors you'll find beds, there are also vending machines. The key for them is behind the security desk in the main lobby."

They took off down the hall, everyone ready for a bed. But I hung back, waiting until they were gone before letting myself slump to the ground. Resting my forehead on my knees I let the weight of the last twenty-four hours - everything I'd worked so hard to push aside, pour over me. Sobs wracked through my body. Shoulder's shaking. Tears streaming down my face.

Fear. Relief. Anger. So many emotions flooded me that I couldn't keep up with what I was feeling as I sat alone in the hall.

"Ella."

No. No, no, no.

Maybe if I ignore him, he'll go away.

I didn't move. I didn't acknowledge him. And like the trauma stricken girl I was, I couldn't stop crying either.

When I looked up to check that he had left, the hall to my left was empty. Sitting in front of me, back resting against the opposite wall, was Kyle. He looked relaxed, but I was pretty sure it was an act.

"Why are you here?" I asked when I managed to reign in the emotion. I didn't mean to sound accusatory and I don't think he took it that way. I knew he was tired. Everyone was. I assumed they'd all eat and crash.

"I drew the short straw." A smirk pulled at his lips and I breathed out a chuckle remembering the last time he'd said that to me. I let one foot slip out from under me and halfheartedly kicked his shoe with mine. "Everyone was worried."

"I'm okay."

His foot nudged mine and he waiting until I looked up, meeting his eyes.

"Are you?"

I opened my mouth to agree but before the words came out my head shook from side to side. My arms were bandaged up to my elbows, but they didn't stop the pain. My stomach was torn to shreds under the bandage. My shoulders felt overextended, sore, bruised... maybe even the tendons were torn from hanging like that for so long. I was dehydrated. I'd lost a decent amount of blood. My head hurt.

That was just the physical. And I was pretty sure of all the things currently not okay with me at the moment, the physical wasn't topping my list.

"You wanna talk about it?" He asked quietly.

"Hunter didn't?" I asked assuming he already knew the worst of it so when he shook his head, my eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"I'm asking you."

"I-I can't."

I wasn't ready to say any of that out loud. I wanted to forget it ever happened. I wanted to erase it, not talk about it. Relive it. Kyle nodded and I was grateful he didn't push for me to explain anything more.

"Can I do anything?"

"Can you just—just stay?"

I thought I wanted to be alone. I had wanted to be alone.

I'd been alone the entire time. Maybe even my whole life. I knew how to cope by myself. And I hadn't wanted them to see how weak I was. How scared. How broken. I didn't want to hear someone tell me it was going to be okay. That I was going to be okay. I didn't want to be placated with promises that it wouldn't happen again, because now I knew better. It's impossible to keep anyone safe; the best you can do is try. I didn't want them to ask questions about what happened. And I didn't want them to watch me all day like I belonged in a psych ward.

But Kyle wasn't pushing for answers or telling me to "man-up." He didn't start making promises he couldn't keep or apologize for things out of his control. He was watching me and though his eyes were filled with concern, he wasn't looking at me like I was seconds from going insane.

There was something comforting about him sitting with me.

And that's all he did. Kyle sat across from me, feet outstretched and head relaxed against the wall behind him. There weren't any efforts to make conversation. He didn't try to make me laugh. I was grateful for nothing more than his strong presence in the silence.

Eventually I would have to move or talk. I would have to get up and do what we came here to do. I knew that. But right then, I just wanted to sit in the hall, in the quiet, with my boot resting against Kyle's and let it sink in that I wasn't dead.