Chapter September 22nd, 2001

The reason I’m only making yesterday’s entry under today’s date, is thatNikki was round at my place last night. The expression might be, ‘Say no more!’but I feel, although physically exhausted, rather inspired to narrate lastnight’s events in some small detail. In a strange way she is my muse. I wasamazed, especially after a little too much alcohol, how incredibly bizarre theconversation had become. But, although she makes me happy and enthuses in me adesire to think outside the box, push back society’s conventional boundaries,she will never impress me enough to convince me to take my vows, or eveninspire me to construct great inventions or ziggurats to her magnificent beautyand glory. But, as mentioned, she does make me very happy and contented duringtimes of my own choosing. At least mostly of my own choosing (The lioness haddefinitely been on the prowl yesterday, but the lion had been hungry too).

For once I am, or at least seem to be, wielding the power. As long as shebelieves she can convince me to give her that one special ring, she willhopefully keep letting me drink at her water-hole. Of course, she had oncefenced it off as a ploy to force my decision, but I am stronger and wiser now.And besides, Erika had come into my life just at the point when the well hadrun dry. It had all worked out pleasantly to my advantage.

Nikki, thinking that Erika was managing to do what she was unable toaccomplish, had literally thrown herself back at me. She had used some rathercolorful language to describe the competition.

In my first life I would have found it all very vulgar and offensive.But, now it was my turn to bathe in the glow of victory. For once it was Itaking, not one but two, women for a ride.

As long as they believed their shares were high, I had continued togallop them both at high speed.

Although Nikki never knew it, I too was having a most pleasant fling onthe side. And it had been the easiest thing to do, especially knowing that thedisappointment in her voice, whenever I told her that I would be working lateagain, was feigned and, in fact, hiding her delighted approval of mycommendable dedication to my workplace. It was the most tiring and enjoyableperiod of my second life. I had had a similar period during my foray intofleshly pleasures during my downward spiral into alcohol and high class whoresin my first. But this time it was far more fun. This time there was moremeaning and purpose behind it all. This time the sense of accomplishment wasmore fulfilling – far more satisfying!

Friday (Yesterday), as I was heading towards the front gate at Global inmy new convertible, Nikki walked across my path. I pulled up and she leaned onmy door, bending low so that her healthy cleavage was mere inches from my nose.She always made it difficult for men to look her in the eyes.

She said, “I only just heard. I’m so sorry!”

“What?”

“About Erika, of course! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Who did tell you?”

“Word gets around.”

“I’m not.”

“Not what?”

“Sorry.”

“How can you say that when…”

She smelled delicious, and I was starving. “You wanna hear about it overa drink?”

“She trotted round to the passenger side and got in.”

“Where’s your car? I was thinking I’dmeet you at the Balmoral.”

“It’s Friday, so drop me off back here…tomorrow? I’ll pick it up then.”

“Sounds like a splendid idea!’

“I thought you’d like it. Just put the top up, otherwise I’ll look like Iwas hit by lightning by the time we get there.” I pushed the button and shewaited till the top had closed before saying, “I saw Steve last week. He’smarried again. Although I guess he probably felt that we were never reallymarried. As you know there was never any…consummation. Before, yeah, but neveragain after we were…”

“How is he?” I asked hastily.

“We never spoke. I just saw him at a distance, but I could see the ring.They were holding hands. He seemed very happy.”

“Then I’m happy for him too.”

“Me too. We were never meant for each other.”

“I know. He wasn’t rich enough.”

“Then! He’s got his own company now.”

“I know! I’ve been keeping an eye on his…progress. He built it from theground up all by himself. Doing very well for himself too. Are you sorry now?”

“Not at all. You realize that if what happened, hadn’t a happened, he’dstill be just a nobody here at Global?”

I wanted to air my disagreement, but there was a ring of truth in herstatement. “So, you’re saying we did him a favor?”

“In a strange…distorted way – yes! Yes, I’d like to think so.”

“I suppose it gives you some piece of mind?”

“Something like that.”

“I wish I could say the same. I was his friend.”

“And I was his wife!”

Malcolm, who worked at the Balmoral’s front desk, was serving behind thebar. He greeted as we approached.

“Mister Crane, so nice to see you again. May I once again express mydeepest sympathy at your loss? And as you can see, our loss is justas…traumatic.”

“They got you working the bar, now? Is that a pro- or demotion?”

“It’s a goddamned disaster is what it is! The new guy is only gonna gethere next week, so they got me standing in, again, till then.”

“I take it you ain’t coping all that well.”

“That, dear sir, is a major understatement. I’m okay with wine and malt.It’s all those silly damned drinks with the fancy names that drive me crazy.Yesterday this fella asked me for a blowjob. I was almost about to phone thepolice before he explained that he was referring to a Drambuie cocktail servedin a shot glass with a whipped cream topping.”

“Sounds wickedly delightful and sensual,” chirped Nikki.

I introduced them. “Malcolm, this is my, uh…colleague, NicoletteKurtzman. Nicolette, this is Malcolm who-normally-works-the-front-desk-but-now-gives-out-cheap-blowjobs-in-the-ladies-bar-whatsisface.”

“Malcolm Spitz,” he corrected holding out a droopy hand. “No relation tothe swimmer.” They shook hands. “Excuse me for being a bit forward here but, myGod, you’re absolutely gorgeous.”

Nikki smiled and said, “At least there’s one guy around here with somegood taste.”

I informed her, “Babe, he was referring to your dress, not its contents.”

“Oh, excuse me!” he lamented. “I clean forgot it’s gay-bashing hour. Halfprice for all bigots and homophobes. So, what’ll it be, darling?”

“Um, Malcolm uh, was that Spitz or Swallows? I forget?”

“That’s very droll, sir. Very droll, indeed. I’ve only heard it about amillion times already.”

“The lady wants a Dirty Black Russian with a Long Sloe Screw on the side,or preferably in the front if possible. I’ll have a Bloody Mary with a smallRock Shandy chaser; add a large dash of bitters to that shandy.”

“Oh, Lord, please tell me you’re not serious!”

“Actually,” I smiled. “The lady will have a glass of wine – somethingpink and sweet like her! I’ll have a whiskey and water – plenty ice. Think youcan manage that?”

“Coming right up, sir!”

“And Malcolm?”

“Yes, sir?”

“Add a large dash of speed to those as well.”

“Yes, my lord and master.”

Malcolm moved off and Nikkiconfessed, “I like him.”

“Me too. Much better than the last guy.” I pointed to the framed photo ofWilly on the wall. “That was the last guy.”

“What happened to him?”

“World Trade Centre.”

“No?”

“I kid you not.”

“Shit, most people only know somebody who knew somebody. But youpersonally knew two people who actually…”

“Three!” I corrected.

“You’re kidding!” I nodded. “No!” I nodded again. “God, I’m so sorry!”

“Why? I already told you I ain’t.”

“How can you say that? The rumors around Global were that you wereplanning on marrying her?”

Malcolm placed our drinks in front of us. “Forgive me, but I couldn’thelp overhearing your conversation. I take it you’re referring to the late MissErika Angelo, assistant editor at The Chronicle?”

Nikki answered, “That’s right!”

He continued, “I must confess that those very same rumors were doing therounds at the Balmoral as well. Do you deny their validity, Mister Crane?”

“You heard talk of a possible marriage between myself and Erika?”

“Indeed! Very little escapes my ears or observations within these walls.”

“Then you must have also known that Willy was screwing her?”

He blushed before saying, “Yes, I’m afraid so. That fact wasvery…obvious. I often stood in for him at the bar so that they could...retireto his room here on the premises. I do apologize, but Miss Angelo had arather…persuasive personality.”

“Do the words demanding bitch come to mind?”

“Please sir, it is impolite to speak ill of the departed.”

“I’ll forgive you, if you’re honest?”

“In that case, sir - I couldn’t have phrased it better myself.”

I slapped the counter. “Hah, I like you, Malcolm!”

“Thank you, sir. That’s very…flattering.”

“Malcolm…pour yourself one. I want you to join us in a toast.”

“To what, if I may ask?”

“Just do it.”

“I believe I’ll have the same as Miss Kurtzman here.”

“Yeah, pink and sweet like you.”

“Exactly!” He poured himself a glass of wine and raised his glass high.“Shall we then?”

I raised mine and declared. “To dear departed, demanding bitches andbastards. May they rot in hell!” They both repeated the toast perfectly. Iturned to Nikki. “And to all thehypocrites walking the face of this earth! May they go from strength tostrength, and from bed to bed.”

“You mean us, don’t you?” asked Nikki frowning. “I don’t think I’m gonnatoast to that.”

“‘Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone.’ Hell, I threw a wholegoddamned building on top of them!”

“You can’t blame yourself!” she had said, obviously noting the suddenirritable tone in my self-condemning statement.

“No?”

“Of course not!”

“Then why am I suddenly in the mood to do a lot of drinking tonight?”

“Be careful! You know what they say about alcohol, ‘It improves thedesire, but ruins the performance.’”

“Don’t you worry yourself, honeybunch. I won’t disappoint you tonight. Ican hold my liquor.”

I was locking my large front door when Nikki asked, “How did you know?What made you suspect?”

“Suspect what?” I slurred.

“About Erika and Willy?”

“Woman’s intuition. So, I had them followed by a private dick – a verybig dick.”

“And?”

“Stupid bastard did his job too well. Ended up getting killed along withthem.”

“The third person?”

“Bingo!” I started singing the Bingo song again, but Nikki interrupted.

“When did you find out that he was also in the…”

I interrupted her right back. “Trust me! I know! I was on the phone whenit happened - crash, boom, bang.” I laughed stupidly through my drunkendelirium. At the time it felt as though I was sprouting great profound words ofwisdom. “See if you can answer this question? Who said these famous last words?‘Shit, should that guy be flying so low. If I didn’t know better, I’d think hewas heading straight for…for…! Oh…my…fuuuu…?’” I laughed even louder, thensaid, “I gotta pee - now!”

“I thought you could hold your liquor?”

“Hell, woman, I didn’t mean indefinitely!” She laughed, so I added, “Ijust might need you to help me hold Mister Winky, though? My aim might not bequite what it should be.”

“Later, cowboy! Lucky my aim is always true!”

“Sounds promising! Listen, I’ve forgotten where my bedroom is. Sallyforth, Sally, and if you should find it give me a holler.”

“I’ll do that!”

“Shit!”

“What now?”

“I’ve forgotten where the can is as well?”

I relieved myself, but on exiting the toilet, found Nikki in the passageleading to my room. She was admiring my art collection that lined the longcorridor walls.

She was extremely fascinated by my Frazettas.

“I just love your place.”

“I doubt that, I don’t think it’s pink and frilly enough to suit yourtaste.”

“Did I ever tell you that I once did a nude shoot for a photographer?”

I was suddenly sober. “No! No, never.”

“Well it was my idea actually. It cost me quite a packet too.”

“You paid the guy. I would have thought…”

“It was a girl. A young college student doing a photographic course. Sheneeded the money. Although she did use some of the artier black and whiteprints for her portfolio.”

“Why did you do it?”

“I was planning on sending them off to some of the major magazines, but Igot cold feet in the end.”

“Coming from you, that’s hard to believe.”

“Well, let’s just say that I felt it might be detrimental to my future.”

“I understand. You didn’t want your…targets to think badly of you. Youneeded to successfully portray yourself as shy and innocent.”

“Something like that,” she smiled.

“Hmm, the only problem was that you ended up attracting the wrong sort ofman.”

“What do you mean?”

“Prim and proper and prudish – definitely the wrong sort of man for thelikes of you.”

“Your honesty turns me on.”

“And I rest my case.”

“Would you like to see them?”

“The Photos?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Why, especially when I can see the real thing.”

She seemed genuinely disappointed. “I still got all the negatives andtest sheets too. I was hoping you might want to make a few extra-large blow-upsto hang in your hallway. Something to…tide you over between my visits.”

“Sounds like a great idea. I’ll replace one or two of these.”

“Really?”

“Why not?”

“That’s marvelous!” Then she pointed to the picture of the naked manresting between the cleavage of the giantess’ large bosom. “Just not this one,okay? I’m crazy about this one.”

“Yeah, that’s definitely one of my favorites too.”

“Most men are intimidated by my size, but not you?”

“I’m like Robert Crumb. I find large woman extremely attractive.”

She placed a finger on the giantess’ cleavage. “That’s you!” She shiftedthe finger to the giantess’ face. “And that’s me.” She giggled. “What do yousay?”

“I say that I can only wish!”

“I bet you do too? But it could never work out.”

“Why not?”

“The pleasure in that relationship would be all one-sided. He’s so small!I mean really, really small where it counts. If you know what I mean?”

“Not necessarily!”

“Of course! Look at him? How do you suppose he could ever…”

“Use your imagination. Have you never heard it said that, ‘A manoriginally crawls out of a special hole, and then spends the rest of his lifetrying to get back into a similar one?”

She giggled and said, “That pretty much describes it.”

“Yeah, only in this little guy’s case,” I said pointing at the picture,“He could literally do it. The possibilities are mind-boggling! Just think howpopular he’d be. Like some sort of superhero.”

“Superhero?”

“Yeah, like, ‘Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s The Human Dildo. Lockaway your daughters. Get the chastity belts out of mothballs, the Super HumanDildo is in town! They’ll use him! They’ll abuse him! But he just bounces backand asks for more! Faster than a three-speed vibrator! More powerful than aninvoluntary muscle spasm! Able to leap over twin peaks in a single bound! Noforest too dense! No cave too deep or too dank! He awaits your call in hisCondom Condominium of Solitude! In the day he’s Stark-Naked Bent, but at nighthe becomes Dildo Man. Ta-daa!’”

She shook her head despairingly. “You need some serious help! As a kid,you obviously read too many comic books, and as an adult, too much porn! Yourmind’s gone all screwy!”

“I thought you liked my screwy mind?”

She suddenly remembered something. “Ooh, that special hole story of yoursreminds me about this other really weird story I read some time ago. I justgotta tell you about it. There was this married conservationist couple campingout in the Grand Canyon somewhere. They were there on a special grant from someinstitute or other. And it was their job to observe the mating habits and so onof one of the endangered species. I’m not sure, but it might have been someCalifornia Condors or Bald Eagles or whatever.”

“Probably condors if they were out in the canyon.”

“It could have been some other birds too, but anyway they were way out inthe wilds observing this nest, you know, so that they could figure out a way tohelp increase the population.”

“What? Nobody ever told them about the birds and the bees? Must have beena pretty dull marriage?”

“The bird population, stupid! You know what I meant!”

“Go on?” I said putting on my very interested face.

“Then after about a month they were absolutely thrilled when the birdsmanaged to produce a single egg – just one! Probably the very reason for thembecoming endangered?” I nodded and she continued. “Every day the birds wouldtake turns to protect and keep it warm. Then about six weeks after the egg waslaid, the male flew off and failed to return. They’re not certain what happenedto him, but I expect he just decided to shirk his duties as a father; as is sooften the case.”

I laughed sarcastically. “Ho! Ho! Very amusing! Go on?”

“About two weeks later a double tragedy occurred. A mountain lion or wolfor coyote or something managed to get onto the ledge where the nest was andkilled the mother. At the same time an unusually cold front had already begunto creep into the canyon. They both knew that the egg was close to hatching,but would never survive the night without the warmth that only a mother couldprovide. They decided to take the egg back to the institute where they couldhand-raise the fledging themselves. But they were a good three day’s walk intothe canyon, and they had no way of keeping the egg safe and warm until it couldbe placed into one of their special incubators. At least they thought theydidn’t, not until the husband figured out the solution.”

“I got a sick feeling where this is going!”

She nodded wide-eyed. “You gotta remember they were both very…dedicatedto their job. They had just spent about three months alone out in the wilds,and they weren’t gonna see all that time and effort go to waste.”

“Yeah, three months alone in the wilds will do that to you.”

“Anyhow, the wife was very impressed that her husband had come up withsuch an ingenious plan, but the wife…”

“Ingenious? Totally loony if you ask me. That is definitely taking yourlove for your job way too far!”

“Shush, I’m telling the story! But the wife was obviously concerned thatshe might pick up an infection or something.”

“If it was his ingenious idea, I would have told him to shove it up his…”

“That wouldn’t work. It was too big and might have broken.”

“They actually considered that as well?”

“No, I’m saying so. Anyhow, after giving it a good wash, and then rinsingit in a weak disinfectant solution, they put baby to bed.”

“That is so sick.”

“And the good news is that they got it back safe and sound and eventuallyraised it to a full-grown adult.”

“I bet they named it, Cookie?” I laughed. “I wonder what she would havedone if it had hatched prematurely?”

“Gosh, I hadn’t thought of that!” she sniggered. “Imagine if they werebusy doing it when it happened, and the chick had thought that it was a nicebig fat juicy worm?”

I roared with laughter and said, “Then he would have really discoveredwhat it means to be dedicated to your job. And why not? After all, mommy hadcompleted her part of the project, now it was time for daddy to bring home thebacon.”

“Or what if they had stopped at one of those busy roadside cafes on theway back, and junior finally decided it was time to stick his head out during abatch of breakfast flapjacks?”

“That sounds almost like an old joke I once heard.”

“Yeah? How does it go?”

“This guy bought a long-neck goose at the market, and on his way home hepassed the local movie theater and noticed that it was the last-showing of amovie that he really wanted to see. So, knowing that they weren’t gonna allowhim into the theatre with an animal, he duly stuffed the poor creature into thefront of his trousers and proceeded to purchase a ticket.”

“Nobody noticed he had a duck in the front of his trouser? Sure?”

“Shut up! It’s called suspension of disbelieve!”

“Go on?”

“Well, no sooner had he taken his seat inside the movie, when two ladiesfrom the local old-age home plonked themselves down next to him. A moment laterthe lights dimmed and the flick began.”

“Uh-huh?”

“Well, it wasn’t long before the goose started feeling a little crampedand claustrophobic, and began desperately seeking a way out. So, the guydecided to pull down his zipper and give the poor creature some air. It stuckits head and long neck out of the opening, and having never been to a movietheater proceeded to also watch the show.” I waited for her to stop laughingbefore saying, “And everything was hunky dory until…” I paused again, this timefor dramatic effect.

“Yeah?”

“Well, the old lady sitting next to him, turned to her friend and said,‘Mavis, I’m very concerned. The man next to me has undone his zipper andwhipped out his you-know-what?’ So the friend replied, ‘That perverted sort arealways looking for attention, Loretta. So just ignore him.’ So Lorettalamented, ‘Well, that’s far easier said than done. Especially when hisyou-know-what keeps pecking at my pop corn.’” I allowed Nikki to finishlaughing before saying, “You know it’s bullshit, of course?”

“What?”

“That business about the egg. Sounds like typical tabloid bullshit to me?You probably read it in one of those papers that are always on about two-headeddogs and alien abductions?”

Her permanent pout increased substantially before she said, “I guessyou’re right? Just all sensationalistic twaddle to make a buck.”

“You mean sensationalistic twattle!”

“Not only that! I mean I never believed that other story about that womanwho cut off her husband’s goodies after he fell asleep in front of the TV.”

“You mean the Bobbitts? That was very real. Why he even…”

“No, not them. By the way that was her silly loss. Shit, that was the endof Mrs. Bobbitt’s apple bobbin’.” Nikki allowed me to finish laughing beforeshe continued. “I said goodies, not goody. Apparently she used one of thoselarge Shopping Channel steak knives that come as part of a set, to do the job.Those ones that can cut through just about anything.”

“You mean any thing! I guess that must have done wonders for sales. I betevery woman with an unfaithful or abusive husband ordered a set the very nextday.” She sniggered before adding, “Apparently she then used his…” She shapedher hand into a bowl. “…you know…skin to cover her gear lever knob in her car.”

“What?”

“Right! Total bullshit, of course! If she hated him that much, then whykeep a souvenir around to remind herself? Especially since her excuse for doingit was because she finally couldn’t take it anymore…the way he kept scratchinghimself all the time in front of the TV.” Her voice gained an octave.“‘Scratch, scratch, scratch – day and night! When I complained, he’d just say,“Nothing worse than having an itch you can’t scratch.” And off he’d go again.Scratch, scratch, scratch. And he got really angry when I said he’d probablypicked up something nasty doing what he shouldn’t outta be doin’. Well, he gotwhat he deserved when it finally drove me crazy!’”

“Crazy? That is definitely an understatement.”

“No,” smiled Nikki wryly using only the left side of her face. “She wasbeing considerate. She just wanted to help him scratch is all.”

“There are times when I don’t like the way your mind works – at all! Andjust in case you were wondering. No, I ain’t itchy at all. No, ma’am, not onelittle bit.”

The smile shifted to her right side. “Oh, yeah? Well, remember that itchI once had?”

“How could I ever forget? It’s branded into my memory!”

“Well, I got some bad news.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” she had said pushing me towards the bedroom. “It’s back with aterrible vengeance.”

“Relax, I’ll go get the back-scrubber!”

“No need, you already got a built-in one!” After a short deliberation sheasked, “You wouldn’t by any chance, have any champagne on ice?”

“Yeah, but unfortunately it ain’t pink!”

“In an emergency, any old port will do!”

“Make yourself comfortable in the emergency room, Nurse Nikki. I’ll justbe a moment fetching the…operating equipment.”

“I’ll be sure to have the patient fully prepared and ready on yourarrival, doctor!” I watched, mesmerized, as she dotted the long hallway to mybedroom at regular intervals with her clothing. The intriguing sight began withher high-heeled shoes, and ended by the bedroom door with a pink g-string. Shehad been dressed to kill. Beyond that doorway she was now undressed to thrill.

I had moved with serious haste and determination towards my large,German, stainless steel, imported wine refrigerator.

It wasn’t the idea of having more alcohol that concerned me that myperformance might be affected, it was the thought of human egg-incubators and shoppingchannel steak knives.

Yep, thatwoman could sure whip up some pretty bizarre conversation!!!