Again? Seriously?

#19: I don't like opening up to people about sensitive feelings. Avoiding vulnerability is my primary instinct.

I slip the journal away, and knock on the newly installed apartment door. After a couple long moments, Mirka opens the door, immediately smiling upon seeing me.

"Lena!" She hugs me for two agonizingly short seconds.

"Hey, Mirka! I just wanted to drop by and say hello. Am I interrupting anything?"

"No, not in the least. Come in!"

She holds the door open for me. The apartment is spotless, like it was done in anticipation of someone coming over. Strange...

Still, it's clearly lived in. Novels with improvised bookmarks rest on the coffee table, the kitchen is well stocked with fresh fruit, and the soft polyester couch has a clear depression where Mirka usually sits.

She plops directly into her spot on the couch. "I'd offer you something to eat, but you know."

"I appreciate the thought. How's work?"

Her face sags, eyes looking up to me. "I'm on desk duty for the next... forever, probably. I don't mind it, but I've been receiving counseling for watching my partner almost dying and abandoning me while in the field. I keep saying I don't need it, but they don't listen."

"I'm sorry. It feels like its my fault."

"Nah. You got shot in a sneak attack. If anything, I blame the guy who killed you."

I can't help but smile as I speak. "At least I got to kill him myself, so it evens out."

"You did?" She looks at me curiously, trying to discern more from my body language.

"Yeah. I guess I didn't mention it. The guy firing from the upper window. I snuck up behind him, and shot him in the back of the head, before consuming the body. I actually used a shell of him today."

I watch her hands clench into fists, eyes first widening, then starting to narrow. "So... you killed a guy from behind, when he could have surrendered?"

"Well, yeah. He was shooting at us. I just caught him off guard." I sit on the couch next to her, and watch her scoot slightly away.

"Lena. That's called murder." Her voice ever so slightly shakes as she speaks. "You murdered someone, then ate him."

I've always enjoyed our little banter. It keeps the tone light and fun, even when discussing serious topics. "It was self-defense, and I didn't eat anyone. I broke the corpse down into-"

"That isn't the point!" she shouts, startling me.

"So what was I supposed to do? Cuff him and keep watch on him in a firefight?"

This isn't playful joking.

"Yes! As an officer, you had a duty to protect anyone in police custody!" She gets up from the couch, and steps away from me.

I'm not the best at reading body language or understanding tone, but I know that I fucked up.

"Not only was he not in custody, I was shot in the head. I think that counts as me retiring from the force."

She grits her teeth, standing defiantly against my shorter frame. "You're so casual about this! How many people have you eaten before?!"

"I never killed anyone before, despite my desire to, and I've only decomposed corpses. There were maybe twenty or thirty?"

Her eyes go wide, and this time, they don't narrow.

"Mirka?"

"You... you eat corpses. A lot of corpses. And killed a guy who you could have taken into custody without remorse. You even stole his wallet so you could fake being him. And apparently you want to kill people?"

"If the corpse thing bothers you, I can stop. I broke one down yesterday because-"

"Yesterday?!"

"I needed the material, and my friend was going to have to get rid of it either way!"

"WHAT?!"

Fuck.

"Okay. I know this sounds like a lot. I can explain, I promise."

She dashes off into another room of the apartment, and returns with her pistol, sigil already inscribed and glowing.

It's painful to see her holding a gun like this. At me, of all people. "Mirka..."

"You get one chance to explain what the hell you're talking about. One."

It would be so easy to lie. I could say it was a bad joke I took too far because of not fully getting humanity's humor. I could say I was forced into it. I could say I lied to see how she would react as an experiment, since I needed to see genuine fear and panic. She'd believe me, too.

Her beautiful eyes are darting, terrified of me.

I'm can't fake it with her.

"I should lead off with the fact that I have a very weak sense of morality, and don't really feel guilt or remorse. Out of curiosity, I wanted to kill someone. Maybe several people. I took my opportunity with joining the police, so I could make sure I killed someone who deserved it. I shifted to a raven and flew up into the window, and went back to being Lena right behind him, since I'm a really bad shot. I thought I may as well put his identity to good use."

"You didn't have to kill him."

"I didn't. You're right."

"Why do you eat corpses?" Her gun isn't pointed at me, but her finger is on the trigger guard as she holds it in front of her. Her mind could change at any second.

"I... okay. There are a lot of reasons. If I want to copy someone perfectly, I need to decompose and encode their body in my void. DNA only lets me approximate and doesn't give me anything in regards to age, scars, tattoos, that kind of thing. Animals don't survive entering my void, so I assume humans don't either, and it's incredibly uncomfortable for both me and the animal regardless. I also decompose them so their body doesn't go to waste. My friend is an underground doctor. Years ago, he took care of me, and anyone who died in his care and wasn't collected was given to me to fully analyze, since I wasn't very good at modifying shells yet. If it weren't for him, I'd probably still be spending most of my time as random people or animals, just to avoid suspicion from seeming uncanny. I took the body yesterday as both a favor to him, and because it helped to have the material I needed to create a few organs for black market transplants."

I take in a long breath, but my exhale is caught in my lungs.

I watch the glowing sigil on her gun fade. "Get out. Now."

I don't argue, and do as she says, the door slamming hard behind me.

It's not even ten AM.

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The rest of the day is a faded haze. I stay home, skipping work, composing and decomposing interlocking rings of various materials. It's soothing for me, usually, but doesn't seem to help much right now.

Music idly plays into my shell's ears that I barely pay attention to. I try to produce more insulin cartridges, but can't focus enough to do so.

'When it is my time to perish

Lay my body upon the altar

Offer my flesh to the ravens

A woven platter of fruit'

This emotion must be heartbreak. It's a lot like grief. I don't like it, but I know it won't last too long. All emotions are fleeting, in truth, but this one particularly sucks.

My phone buzzes a few times over the passing hours. I eventually look at it, eyes glazed over.

Kapil: lmk if you are coming tomorrow

Mark: Abel is being annoying as all hell lately.

Scam Likely: We need to stay in touch more! I'm not letting you make excuses this time. :)

I hear a knock on my door. After a moment and a second knock, I trudge over, opening it to the sight of two people I don't recognize. They both have guns. And knives. One has a belt with all kinds of weird powders and liquids. It doesn't take a genius to know who these people are.

The one with the belt is a tan skinned man with serious eyes and noticeable scar on his face that extends from the corner of his mouth and hooks upward. He holds up a badge, one I have never seen in person. "Yak G, MBR."

His partner, a blonde woman whose eyes seem to swirl blue-gray, scares me more. I can tell she's an actual sorcerer. She holds up a badge as well, peeking inside my apartment.

"You got a few minutes, Lena?" Yak says, not waiting for an answer before barging in.-

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I hesitantly offer them both water, sitting down on the couch across from them, feeling exposed even while wearing my shell. Professional monster hunters from Magical Beast Research are inside my apartment, one of which is a sorcerer. My muscles are tense, and I know my shell is in pain from how tightly I'm clenching my jaw and fists. My heart is tough to manage the pulse of. I can barely keep myself from sprinting to the window to escape.

"Loosen up," Yak says, skeptically looking at the glass in front of him. "We're just here to ask you some questions. Let's start from the top. We have two witnesses who say that you were shot in the head, and survived. One witness says you had no trace of injury. Records say you're a sorcerer, but there are already two powers listed."

I nod, keeping silent. They came prepared. It hasn't even half a day since Mirka pulled a gun on me. She must have helped them get information on me, too. Was what I did really worth this?

"So, that's where my partner comes in. She's on loan from another state, so be polite."

The sorcerer's hand movements are precise as she reaches for the water, no movement wasted. "I can attune myself to magical beasts. Don't worry, there's no danger here. I'll just be checking to see if you're human."

Every muscle in my body aches from sustained strain. If they decide I'm a danger or threat, I'm either dead, or I'm going to be spending a very long time inside a cell. If I'm lucky, anyway. There are worse fates for magical beasts than that.

I see the sorcerer's eyes change from slaty blue to a pinkish red for only a second as she touches my shell's pseudo-brain for only a moment, before she retracts. "Fuck, that hurts. Human."

Her partner looks at her with incredulity. "Human? Seriously?"

She shakes out a pair of pills from a bottle in her pocket, taking them with a long drink of the water I gave her. "I don't get migraines when I attune to magical beasts. So yeah, I'm serious."

"Huh. That's not what I expected. Okay, Lena. Tell me what happened the night you were shot."

I have to lie. Lying always saves me. The truth made Mirka call a pair of glorified hitmen on me. They already think I'm human, apparently, based on my shell. I can work off of that.

"I'm a sorcerer. I have one ability, and I lied about what I could do when joining the police. I can alter people's perceptions. I lied about it because once people find out about it, they start second-guessing everything they see, and don't trust me. How's that for irony? I can't create objects from nothing, only the perception of objects. I can disguise myself, though. When the shooting started, I panicked. I made it appear to anyone watching that I was shot in the head, then ran." The lie trickles out like rain through a gutter, a skill honed over years of practice.

Yak takes a moment before he speaks, measuring his words carefully. "Some people can't handle it in the field. Don't beat yourself up over it. Your whole body is reading as faintly magical, like a sorcerer's or magical beast's, but there's notably a dark spot on your thigh. Some kind of anti-magic charm, I assume. Can I see it?"

This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

I shake my head. "It's embedded, and it doesn't come out. Long story short, it stops me from altering perceptions unintentionally."

"Makes sense. We're done here, thanks for being patient." Yak stands up with a stretch, making me flinch. With a nod, he heads for the door with his partner close behind.

As soon as the door closes, my shell starts to cry. I don't remember setting up that reaction. Must be my shell reacting through the connection to my core in unpredictable ways. The second I feel my breath hitch, I retract my shell. I've seen people sob before, and I'm not going to waste time doing it.

It doesn't help the hollow ache I feel. Even with the hunters gone, I can't seem to relax. I always assumed I could just evade or kill any humans that tried to capture me. Now that I've met MBR agents in person, seen how they acted, I'm not so confident anymore.

----------------------------------------

After probably close to an hour, I extrude my shell again, hoping the worst of the crying will be over with.

Instead, I'm greeted by the sorcerer in my house, looking through my nearly empty fridge. How long has she been there?

No point in running, I imagine, or she wouldn't be nearly as casual. "I have sandwiches."

She turns over to face me, looking intrigued. "Yeah?"

"BLT, meatball sub, some vegetarian thing, ham and Swiss..."

"Ooo, ham and Swiss." She sits next to me, patiently waiting with a smile.

I pull the sandwich from my void, and offer it. My anxiety is slowly being replaced by resignation and panic simultaneously. My inner world feels claustrophobic, my core like its a lighthouse of attention.

She takes an exploratory bite, nodding as she chews. "Thanks. Sorry, I missed lunch today."

"It's okay. Thanks for waiting, I was just sulking. You can take me away now." This might be the end. I made a critical mistake here, but right now, my only objective is to survive.

She sighs reassuringly. "I'm not out to get you. I saw how scared you were with both of us in the room, so Yak is waiting downstairs for the moment. Let's just talk, okay?"

"Okay." I've been exposed against my will. It's never happened before. The first time is to a hunter. I'll talk for as long as she wants, if it means I have time to calm down and think rationally.

"First things first, what the hell is going on with your brain? It's like... mostly inert, except for kinda normal physiological processes."

"My mind isn't there. The brain tissue is just for managing biological systems."

"Makes sense. So what's the black orb thing?"

Is this a test? To see if I'm going to cooperate? Or am I overthinking it? "That's me. The body is just a shell I use."

"No kidding? Never heard of that before. Weird it doesn't radiate magic. You're a unique little gal." She phrases it like a compliment, but I feel like I'm being patronized.

I look to the ground. "What have you heard?"

"That someone who every other person captured during the raid mentioned being there is completely gone. What happened?"

"He was shooting at my partner and I, pretty sure he's the one who shot me. I got behind him, and killed him before he knew where I was." I produce the wallet, and offer it to her. She takes a few seconds to look before handing it back.

"Okay. I assume the body's in your pocket too?"

"I decomposed it for base materials. I did commit his body to memory, though. I can be him, if you'd like."

"That works. Would you mind?"

"Give me ten minutes."

I retreat to my core, and reassemble Nikolas's body to use as a shell for a moment. Once complete, I come back out. "How's this?" I ask, voice now entirely different. It's always the voice that strikes me as strange.

"Damn, he has a lot of tattoos. I'm looking for one in particular. It's two snakes eating each other, wrapped around in a figure eight. Like a double ouroboros."

"Left pec."

"Ahh." She turns slightly red in the face, looking away. "Umm, would you mind if-"

"It's just a temporary shell." I take off the shirt to show her, to which she makes a quick note of as I put it back on.

"That's a huge help. He was part of a cult I'm tracking."

I swap back to Lena, decomposing Nikolas's within my void.

She frowns. "Is that someone else you killed?"

"I never killed a human before that one. I, uhh... I can't tell you where I get corpses, but I swear they're dead before I decompose them. This shell is actually using parts from two living DNA samples and four corpse samples, plus some microorganisms and jellyfish. Wait, there's no jellyfish anymore, I changed that part."

"I see... Well, you're still under pretty heavy suspicion here. With your permission, I'd like to trawl your memories. Might help clear you of guilt?" She's good at this. Intones every command into a question, and tries to frame it as being helpful.

"You're welcome to try. I don't know where my mind is, to be honest. As far as I know my core is just a finite emptiness."

"I'm going to try anyway. Worst thing that could happen is I give myself a headache." She takes a long breath, and soon, her eyes turn pure black.

I don't feel her poking around in my mind, though, instead just staring blankly at me. She does it for almost a full minute, before I notice her face turning blue. She's not breathing.

She's going to die.

I could let her die. Disassemble her atom by atom, after. Start over somewhere else. It's the perfect crime, and not even my fault, really. I have this new guy's identity. It wouldn't even be difficult...

Is that who I want to be, though? Just succumbing to the path of least resistance, living as I find convenient? Or do I want to be Lena, someone who actually tries to be better than her nature suggests? Maybe this isn't about philosophy, though, and simply survival. There's still a very real chance that she is here to kill me.

I slap the sorcerer's cheek fairly hard, sending her to the ground.

She scrambles to her hands and knees, gasping for breath, eyes a pale green for a moment before returning to blue-gray.

From nothing, a mass of smoke is instantly beside her, with an animal or something near the center. I can't make out anything about it, other than it being vaguely dog-shaped and glowing faintly blue, and that it scares me.

"Time out." The sorcerer says to the beast through long breaths.

The creature and the smoke are gone in an instant, as quickly as they appeared, and the sorcerer slowly gets up off the ground before sitting back on the couch before asking me more questions. "What the hell just happened? My mind was stuck somewhere empty. I couldn't sever the connection, either. Did you do that? Why was I on the ground, and why does my jaw that hurts like hell?"

"You tried to enter my mind, but your eyes went black and I didn't feel your presence. You stopped breathing. I... I slapped you so you'd snap out of it. I'm sorry, I've altered my shell for increases muscle density, so it probably hurt... What the hell was that dog?" My frown feels like its getting deeper, and my eyebrows are falling further. I wonder if I look silly like this.

She rubs her jaw, moving it around for a bit to see if its broken or dislocated. "Ignore the dog. Damn, I'm gonna have one hell of a bruise, that's for sure... You saved me?"

"I did."

"You could have let me die and made your escape."

"Maybe."

She takes a long look at me. "What's your deal, Lena? Like, what-"

We're interrupted by a knock on the door. With a quick affirmation by the sorcerer, I get up and slowly open the door. Mirka stands in the hallway, out of breath. She must have ran from the parking lot to my floor.

We both say nothing for a moment, before I break the silence. "Don't worry. They're here."

"What? Who's here?" Mirka asks, coughing a bit.

I leave the door open, and sit back on the couch. Mirka walks in, standing close to the door.

"I'm not stupid, Mirka. I know you called MBR."

Her face stiffens, turning pale. "I- No, I- Not me! I didn't call them! I wouldn't do that!"

"It's okay. I get. You can leave, I'm in the process of being 'contained' or whatever they call it. Sorcerer, if you wanted to know my deal, it's a work in progress for me too." I withdraw my journal slowly, before hesitantly offering it to her. She takes a brief look, and hands it back within a minute.

"So you were a cop who killed a guy who shot you in the head? And I know the name Mirka from the case file. Your former partner." She glances at Mirka, who tenses up from the hard look.

I hold my head in my hands. "I don't think it really matters at this point. So, where are you taking me, sorcerer?"

"Nowhere, I don't think. What do you think, Mirka? You were her partner."

Mirka pauses. "No, don't take her anywhere. She made a bad call, that's it."

The sorcerer nods along. "She saved my life a few minutes ago, too. I'm okay letting this one drop, since I'm busy with the cult thing anyway. Lena, next time you have a gun held to someone who doesn't know you're there, what are you going to do?"

"Nothing, and I'm never going to be in that kind of position again. I work at a soup kitchen now." I'm far too terrified right now to lie about that.

She nods approvingly. "Good call. I've met a lot of magical beasts, and you're not the first unique case. Pretty sure you're one of the unlucky ones who didn't get a conscience, huh?"

Do I lie? What do I even say in response to that? That's something that would get me sent away, right? "I... Well, I have one, it's just..."

"Yup, like I thought. Unlucky you. Honestly, you don't seem like you're doing anything particularly bad, and you're clearly trying to integrate and not just blend in. Don't consume any more human corpses, and I think we're good here. I'll just add you to a database for now. Mind if I give your number to a friend of mine? She'll do check-ins every so often. I'd do it myself, but I'm not from around here."

"Yeah. Of course."

"Great to hear. I'm gonna go before Yak starts wondering why I'm taking so long."

"Thank you. Thank you so much." I try to calm my shuddering limbs.

"Don't mention it. Besides, Opie liked you, and he's a good judge of character." She winks, and closes the door behind her.

It's just me and Mirka now. She looks shocked and terrified, as if she was the one who just went through the second most harrowing experience of their life. "Lena, I-"

"Your turn to be honest."

I watch her wince, and her eyes start to water. "I... I got scared. I didn't..."

"Okay. That's all I needed to know. Please leave." I curl my shell into a ball on the couch. It's comforting, to have so many layers of muscle and bone between me and her.

She shakes her head, taking a hesitant step closer to me. "Please, Lena. I was already nervous. You have to understand, I was-"

"I don't want to hear it."

"Lena. I... I like you, okay? I think you're brilliant, beautiful, and I've the last few days wanting to ask you to dinner sometime... well, you know, maybe not dinner. I don't know. Something. My emotions were all stirred up, and you scared me, so I panicked and made a terrible mistake."

She's crying fully now. This must be hard for her, too.

I can't help but gently smile. I feel better knowing the truth. "You know, I talked with all three of my friends about asking you out. I was actually going to do it today. It's why I came over this morning."

Mirka takes another few steps towards me. "I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry."

I force my shell to stand up from the couch, meeting her eyes. "Mirka. Thank you for sticking up for me just now with MBR. Thank you for helping me with my shell. Thank you for being a good partner in the field. Most of all, thank you for being my friend."

She reaches out to hug me. I hold up a single hand to stop her.

"Lena?" She looks at me like a dog begging for table scraps.

I keep my soft smile, aiming to look apologetic. "I'm not going to forgive you for this, though."

Her face breaks, details of mismatched emotions trying to coalesce into a singular expression. "Let me make it up to you? I'll do anything. I can't even imagine how hard-"

"Come on. You have to know you were torpedoing any friendship we had, let alone a future relationship. I'm not going to hunt you in the night and eat you like you seem to think, so you can leave. Now, preferably."

She doesn't move, only looking at me pathetically as she speaks. "I... I should give you some space. I'll text you tomorrow. Okay?"

My smile fades. "I'm blocking your number, actually. Mirka, I don't want to see you again, at any point, in any context."

Her pathetic behavior isn't changed by her walking towards the door, giving me a single look back as she leaves, closing the door behind her.

I bite my lip, hard enough that I accidentally draw blood, and open my journal. There's a lot to write about.

#20: I'm a very good liar.

#21: Romantic sensibilities are definitely present, but dwarfed by reasonable judgement.

#22: I'm unforgiving to people who break my trust.

#23: I can mope for a full day at a time, when previously I have only rarely been sad whatsoever.

#24: I'm terrified of MBR. I didn't realize how scared I was until they were at my door.

----------------------------------------

"Hey hey hey! What brings you here again so soon?" Shirai goes to hug me as I walk down the steps, until remembering his gloves are covered in blood. He's currently in the process of closing a patient after a transplant. I see that all the organs attached to the bundle I made have been severed away.

"Just needed to clear my mind. Need any help?"

"Not in the least. You already helped plenty. This guy is gonna love his new kidney. Really quality stuff, Lena." He hums his familiar tune as he returns to stitching. Once finished, he pushes the autopsy table the patient is on away to another room. After fifteen minutes or so, he returns with clean gloves, though a few red dots remain on the sleeves of his lab coat. "So, did she take it badly?"

"Eerie. Have you been stalking me again?"

His infectious smile is spreading. "No, but you never pay surprise visits. I'm going to guess you need comforting company."

"I actually had to turn her down. Anything left for you to do today?"

"Nothing work related. Just gonna hang out with Melo in the break room, if you wanted to." He takes off his lab coat, and the new pair of gloves he just put on with a giggle to himself.

"Yeah. I'd like that."

Shirai's underground surgery is massive. There are ten rooms total, not counting storage closets. I have no idea where he got the building permits, since it has to be spilling beneath adjacent properties. Still, it means he has a place to live where he doesn't have to worry about having his door broken open.

The break room hasn't changed much since I used to live here. A sectional along the far corner, a mini fridge and cabinet full of snacks, and a TV. The only thing different is a tall, cylindrical glass tank in the corner that radiates freezing air, with a weak grow lamp directly above. The tank itself isn't decorated, but it holds an irregularly shaped chunk of white ice, with verdant filaments of algae clinging below it.

"Hey, my love!" Shirai waves to the algae.

I nod to the algae as well. "Hey, Melo. Shirai finally moved you from the meat locker? About time."

Shirai's face flushes. "Yeah, it's looooong overdue. It's an early birthday present, I had to get a guy who worked in marine biology to collab with an engineer to put the tank together. The temperature control has been tough, not to mention the salinity. We're managing, though, like we always have. Melo, what're you feeling today for food?"

The algae's strands dance, scintillating with horizontal lines of color streaking down the filaments in four colors: pale yellow, medium orange, a bright red, and a very dark green.

"Again? Seriously?"

The algae responds with a singular bright burst of yellow across every cell.

"Ugh. I'm so sick of Chinese."

Again, the colored bars flow down the strands, though there seem to be two competing messages.

"Alright. It's cute that you can't decide what we're eating tonight."

Melo, formally melosira pulchramagicis, is Shirai's girlfriend. Magical flora is rare, and sapient magical flora is almost completely unheard of, yet here she is. She's a large colony of individually semi-sentient cells that Shirai ran into during an arctic expedition. Somehow, the two fell in love. It's completely inexplicable. I don't even know how Shirai found out Melo was sapient, let alone interested in a relationship.

The upshot is that Melo, being colonial, will sometimes disagree with herself. Shirai thinks its adorable, while Melo herself hates that he thinks her conflicted decision making is cute. Also, I have no idea why Shirai asks what Melo wants to eat, considering she exclusively photosynthesizes. Even more bizarre is that Melo answers, and gets defensive about her choices.

I know they communicate, but I have no idea what the flashing colors mean most of the time. I've never been able to figure out anything other than yes, no, Shirai's name, the name Trevor, and what laughing looks like.

Shirai sighs, ordering Chinese to avoid an awkward discussion, sitting next to her tank. He hangs up after giving the address to the dog pound above. "Sorry, I don't mean to make this about me and Melo. Tell us what happened."

With a bit of hesitation, I tell them everything that happened between Mirka and I today. Shirai looks crushed as I finish the story, while Melo looks as angry as algae can look, turning fairly deep red and flashing orange bars.

Shirai watches Melo, nodding along as she "talks" for a solid thirty seconds. He sighs when she finishes.

"Okay, Melo and I disagree on this one. She thinks you could probably still make it work, I completely agree that you're right to refuse her. We do agree that this should be on your timetable, not Mirka's."

Melo flashes yellow in agreement.

I slump back into the old couch. "This sucks."

"It sucks, no way around it. Give it a week. Think it over."

Melo's bars come out more slowly as she says a final few words. Shirai shrugs, before turning back to me. "Melo says you should be careful, regardless. I do too."-

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I get back in my car, and start the drive home. As strange as the pair are, they're comforting to be around. They almost never seem to agree on anything, but they're still happy together somehow. I envy that kind of bond.

#25: I'm jealous of happy relationships, or maybe I'm just jealous of trust.