6 Weeks Before
Danny and Victoria's house:
On his way home Danny stopped past the bottle shop. Emily had been unsettled with colic for over a week and Victoria looked tired and stressed, so as a special treat he bought a bottle of Chardonnay to help her relax.
After dinner, he helped put the girls to bed and set out their glasses while Victoria turned on the television so they could talk in between the ads.
They were having a great time when an obnoxious advert caught their attention.
"Galliato Motors, hey isn't that where Ben works?" said Danny pointing to the television.
"Yeah, it is," said Victoria with a laugh as they both turned to watch.
The camera panned over a huge lot of cars before a short dark haired man appeared in front of the camera.
"Come and see us at Galliato Motors today, you won't beat us on price, quality, or range and all the Galliato cars come with a complete mechanical check. So you can be sure you are getting the best money can buy..."
"Gino honey, are you ready," purred a female voice as the camera zoomed in on an attractive blonde dressed in a white halter neck dress.
The woman stood in front of a racy black Commodore. As she waved and winked at the camera the engine of the car revved, blowing up her dress. She giggled and tried to provocatively push her dress down. Then the camera panned back to the little Italian man.
Danny didn't hear what he said after that because Victoria's wine glass had fallen from her hand. Shattering over the floor as she ran out of the room.
Danny found Victoria on the bed sobbing.
"What is it Vic, what's the matter?"
"It was HER!"
"Who, the lady on the television?"
"All of these years, not a word from her and here she is flashing herself all over TV in a slimy car sales ad, she disgusts me!"
"Oh, HER - your mother, come on Vic you don't need her - you have us, cheer up. Besides she is the one who has missed out on having such a beautiful... sweet.... sexy..."
"Oh stop, who do you think you're kidding," said Victoria smiling through her tears.
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Danny couldn't help but be worried the next morning, Victoria had quietly sobbed in bed next to him most of the night. As he got ready for work he come out to the kitchen and found Victoria crying again over the kitchen bench. Emily's half made bottle sat beside her.
Rushing over he wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her up from the bench top.
"What is it honey, he soothed."
"I'm not cut out for this; I'm no good at it."
"What, no good at what, Vic talk to me?"
"I'm not cut out for this Danny; I'm such a failure, what if I turn out just like HER!"
"Don't be silly, Vic you are awesome, nothing like... like her. You are a great mother and our two girls love you so much," he said turning her to face him.
"Just try to imagine what kind of a beautiful person would take on someone else's little girl and love her better than her own mother ever could. That's what you did for Amanda, and you are so good with Emily too, her whole world lights up when she sees you."
"Then why do I feel like such a failure, why can't I do anything right. I'm so tired Danny but I can't even sleep. I just keep thinking, this is so hard â did she leave because it all was too hard!"
"Vic, come on settle down. I will finish making Emily's bottle and you go in and have a nice hot soak in the tub. Relax for a while, it will help, I promise."
Victoria hugged him tightly and smiled at him through her tears.
"Maybe your right, a soak in the tub might solve all of my problems...."
The thought had never crossed her mind. Not until that second when she hopped into the hot bathtub and her pulse coursed through her body, making a rushing sound inside her head. That was the first and only time she had thought of ending her own life.
She didn't really want to do it, but at the same time she had a compulsion to escape the torment. Little whispers in her mind egged her on as each pulse rushed through her head.
"Do it, go on," they urged.
Surely she couldn't, but then again it would be so quick, so easy and then all of her problems would be solved. She wouldn't need to worry ever again or hide the pain and anguish over being abandoned or having to deal with the fear of failing her own children.
She would do it! Sitting up, she tried not to make too much noise as the water rushed to one end the tub. If she was going to do this she would have to be quick before Danny found her and before she changed her mind.
She stood up, reached onto the vanity basin and took down Danny's grandfather's cut throat razor. It was a family heirloom, with a long sharp blade. Danny never used the razor, it was just an ornament. He preferred the electric razor she had bought him for his Birthday after they had moved in together.
Quickly glancing at the door to make sure Danny wasn't standing there, she pulled out the blade with shaking hands and stared at it momentarily. It glinted playfully in the dim light of the bathroom, even it seemed to egg her on as the whispers continued relentlessly.
"Do it, bet you can't do it, chicken."
Victoria sank back into the tub and took in a deep breath and closed her eyes, she would show those pesky whispers she was no chicken! She held the blade to her wrist and forced it down letting the blade sear through her skin.
She felt a rush of pain, and her body trembled as she saw the blood pump quickly from the cut she had made. Taking in a gulp of air she bit hard onto her bottom lip to stop herself screaming.
She held her breath until the pain stopped, the fear stopped, everything stopped. Everything but the gentle pulsing of the blood as it trickled down her arm and into the bath water. Victoria closed her eyes, let out the breath she had been holding and embraced it....
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Danny listened until he heard the bathtub tap running before he finished making Emily's bottle.
He looked at the bottle on the bench top and thought how much Vic hated to feed Emily on formula. She wasn't able to breast feed, her milk never come through.
Victoria saw the bottle as her failure, but Danny liked that Emily wasn't breast fed, it gave him a chance to bond with her too. Picking up the bottle he tested it on his wrist making sure it was perfect temperature. He set it down on the coffee table in the lounge room and went to get Emily from her bedroom.
Emily looked up at him from her cot and made jerking motions with her arms and legs, he smiled and thought how much she reminded him of a little star fish.
Danny picked Emily up and put her on the change table. He kept one hand on her tummy - like Victoria had shown him, to make sure she didn't roll away. And reached for a clean nappy, fresh singlet and a fluffy pink all in one suit, talking softly as he did it.
After cleaning her up he took Emily into the lounge room and sat on the couch and to feed her. She sucked hungrily at the bottle until she had almost finished it. Tiring, she stopped and let the teat fall from her lips. Satisfied she closed her heavy eyelids.
Danny waited for it and grinned when it come. She smiled, he knew it was only wind - he had learned from one of the joyless midwives in the hospital. But it didn't matter to him, it was one of his favorite things after she finished a feed.
He took one of her bunny rugs and put it over his shoulder in case she brought up milk over his work clothes. As he rubbed her tiny back, she curled up her little knees against him and burped. Content she fell asleep and he gently lowered her down into the crook of his arm and took her back to her cot.
As he walked out of Emily's room he paused for a moment in front of Amanda's door.
"Good morning Daddy," she said and sat up.
"Hello my little princess, I will make you breakfast in a minute."
"Ok Daddy, where is Mummy Vic?"
"Just in the bath."
"Ok," she said smiling back at him as she got out of her princess bed.
Danny looked at his watch with a start as he stood outside of the bathroom. Vic had been in there for over an hour and he had to be at work in 15 minutes. He had to go now, otherwise he would be late again, something that was getting him unwelcome attention at work of late.
"Vic, honey, I have to go soon," he said as he knocked on the door.
She didn't answer, he went in anyway. He found her motionless in bright red water.
"Victoria," he cried kneeling down shaking her arm trying to rouse her, "Wake up, shit what did you do!"
She wasn't responding, he saw her arm, the one furthest away, blood was trickling out of a large gash....
"Jesus Vic," he cried again, pushing down the fear welling up in his throat, he dragged her out of the bathtub. He laid her on the floor with her fluffy toweling robe over her. Frantically he searched until he found a threadbare towel out of the cupboard and tied it tightly over her wound to stem the flow of blood.
After he had wrapped her in the bath robe he carried her on to the lounge. She was pale and lay in his arms like a rag doll.
"Daddy, what's wrong with Mummy Vic?"
"It's ok Amanda."
"No it isn't Daddy, she looks like she is dead. Is she dead Daddy?" cried Amanda as she climbed onto the lounge next to Victoria and patted her wet hair.
Danny didn't answer Amanda, instead he rushed into the kitchen and called an ambulance.
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Victoria opened her eyes, everything seemed to be glowing white, and everything seemed different somehow. Different smells - the odor of bleach and the stale aroma of food hung in the air. The noises were different too, voices chattering in the distance, hurried footsteps, buzzers...
There were people talking close by, she strained to catch them.
"I'm sure she will be just fine, this behavior is common with post-natal depression. It might have been worse Mr. Jacobs... luckily you found her."
"So what will happen now, what will happen to her, will she be alight?"
Victoria held her breath as she realized one voice belonged to Danny and they must have been talking about her.
"We will keep her under observation overnight, and her GP can monitor her medication until we are sure it is working properly. If all goes well tomorrow we will release her into your care."
"Can I go in and sit with her for a while?"
"That will be fine Mr Jacobs."
"Thank you doctor."
Victoria put her head under the covers as Danny entered the room. He sat down beside her bed and let out a heavy breath.
The stupidity of what she did hit her, she had come so close to never seeing Emily, Amanda or Danny again. How had she been so self-centered?
She sat up and pulled the covers from her head.
"I'm so sorry Danny."
Danny jumped up out of his chair and hurried to her side and hugged her tight.
"It's ok, the doctor explained what happened, and you have depression caused by having Emily. But it will be ok, we are all going to be ok Vic."
"I can't believe I did it, the girls, Danny where are the girls?"
"I dropped them over at Demi's place for a little while."
"Are the kids all right?"
"You scared us all Vic, but its ok, everyone will be fine...."
A nurse come into the room and gave Victoria medication and as it worked she struggled to keep her eyes open. She tried to stay awake, but finally it became too much and she drifted off to sleep.
Her dreams took the form of memories she kept hidden in the back of her mind. She remembered a time when she was 16, sitting on the hard wooden planks of her Nana's front door step. They dug into her bottom, which was numb from sitting so long. As she wriggled trying to draw the blood flow back she felt the distinct tingle of pins and needles in her legs down to her toes.
She waited, looking up and down the street, praying today Marilyn would come home. Her mother promised she would come back for her.
'A month,' she whispered in her ear as she kissed the top of her head and climbed into a shiny red car with her new boyfriend. It had been three months.
Victoria's Nana sat down beside her on the step and drew her close, so she could catch the scent of the lavender powder she wore. Victoria snuggled in and looked up at her.
"Looks like it's just us for dinner again hey," said Nana.
Victoria frowned and nodded looking down at the wooden planks.
"You're getting older now, love, so I need to be honest with you, she isn't coming back. If she does it won't be to take you away with her to some mansion you have been dreaming about."
Shaking her head, the old lady said, "Your mother is always in such a rush she forgets to think things through before she does them. There isn't a person on this planet who was able to keep her in one spot for more than five minutes.
Victoria nodded in agreement.
"Even as a baby, she come out 8 weeks early, her lungs barley developed. But that didn't stop your mother, by the time she was 9 months old she already started walking. Crawling didn't get her where she wanted to go fast enough."
Her Nana sighed and rubbed her arm.
"Oh Vic, she is a gypsy at heart - your mother. I understand, you don't want to hear it and this may sound harsh, but you are a lot better off without her....we all are."
Victoria had wriggled out of her Nana's grasp and turned to look at her.
"No Nana, you are wrong, she is coming back she promised, you watch, she loves me!"
"She doesn't know how to love anyone, she never took the time to learn," then letting her face soften she said, "but if there is anyone she ever come close to loving it would be you. Come on, inside now and have some dinner while you wait, it won't do you any good sitting on the step starving will it!"
Victoria shook her head and fell back into her Nana's arms. Her Nana was right, but she just didn't want to admit it to herself.
Dressed in her best clothes day after day, with her small suitcase of belongings packed by her side she waited for Marilyn to take her away to start a new life together just the way she had dreamed.
Victoria gave up waiting before she ever came...