"Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance. If the dispositions of the parties are ever so well known to each other, or ever so similar beforehand, it does not advance their felicity in the least."
Charlotte Lucas's words ran through her head, along with the conversation she and Elizabeth had. Stopping to reflect on this, Ava considered courtship then and now. Grabbing her literature notebook, she began to write her reflections down. First women and men, back then, had to guard their reputations.
While the reputation is important, a person's character is more so. Someone could have a poor reputation but have great inner character. They could be an amazing person, but their reputation makes them unworthy. Snubbed even. Everyone makes mistakes. The societal views of reputation, during that time, were harsh.
One mistake and you're done. In fact, a person really couldn't make any mistakes. Perfection was the aim. Look perfect, act perfect, be perfect. But perfection is unattainable. No one is perfect. All perfection does is make the fear worse. And fear is the worst thing. Fear of failure, fear of looking unlovely, fear of being less than.
The thing about this is perfectionism is self-abuse. All it does is make you feel inadequate. This is something she knows well. She lived it during the anorexia days. Feeling inadequate and ugly made her abuse herself. Those same feelings make others do similar but different abusive things like bully, self-sabotage, anger, hurting others, you name it.
How many people during the time period of Pride and Prejudice felt deficient in some way? How many of those people turned to forms of abuse (public or private)? With those thoughts, if a person made a mistake, where was society's forgiveness? One only needs to look at the book A Scarlet Letter to see the ideas on that.
Striving for progress is better than perfection. It is more courageous to be imperfect than to strive for what is unattainable. Perfectionism destroys a person more than reputation does on its worst day. However, one should strive for good character and integrity. Those matter more in the long run and big picture of things.
And speaking of forgiveness, even if society doesn't forgive a person should always forgive themself. A true perfectionist is hardest on their own self. It's OK to mess up. Everyone does it. That's why pencils have erasers, to correct the mistake. You don't have to be perfect to be amazing.
She thought of Johnny when she wrote that. He's not perfect yet he's amazing. She thought of Dutch too. It sounds like something he'd say. Except he would finish it up with something like "No words are amazing enough to describe how fantastic I am." She chuckled at this.
Ava wrote all of this down in her notebook. Mrs. Kirkwood expects them to keep reflections in there. Hopefully, she'll appreciate her notes. As she wrote the question, Is society and people so different from the day back then? a knock sounded at her door.
"Come in!" she yelled. With quickness, she closed the notebook shut but clicked her pen. A smile grew on her face at the person entering.
Striding into the beautiful yet playful bedroom is the man of her dreams. He launched himself onto her bed and put a pillow behind his head. "Hey. What're you up to?" Johnny tried to take her notebook, but she wouldn't give it to him. So he pouted.
Letting go of the book for a brief moment, to adjust the pillow behind her back, Johnny seized it. She smacked his hand and retook possession and placed it on the bed beside her. He held his hand out to her, which she took. Turning her head, she asked "I thought you had practice today? Don't you have it on Saturdays?"
"Mmm. But Sensei called it off. Not really sure why, but I'm glad. I get to spend my day with you now. I mean, what babe wouldn't want to spend their time with me?" He sounded way too much like his arrogant friend.
She laughed. "OK, so we're spending the day together. I can live with that. There are worse things that could happen and you are not one."
Looking at her, he rolled onto his side. "What are we doing today? Something fun I hope. Not boresville like watching some chick flick." His smile turned into a cheesy grin.
With her finger pointing at him and pen clicking, she told him "There's nothing wrong with chick flicks. They're some of the best movies, like Footloose. However, I have other ideas but you won't like it."
His raised eyebrow said try me. "OK, but you won't like it. In fact, you'll hate it and be bored. But it will help me. It's a beautiful day and I want to go golfing." She heard him groan. "See I told you. Â I need to go though. The fall golf matches start next week. I need to work on my putt and my chip if I want to win. And I totally want to win." She saw his eyes glaze over. "You can drive the cart like you used to. It'll be like old times almost. The one difference being I'm much better now than back then."
Disagreeing he huffed out a breath. "You kicked ass back then too. Alright, if you want to go golfing then we'll go golfing. But I don't want to just drive the cart. I want to golf with you."
With a gaping jaw of surprise, she couldn't believe her ears. He hated golfing. Since when does he like it? "Say that again, please? Because I think there might be something wrong with my hearing. I swore you just said you wanted to golf with me."
Pushing himself into a sitting position, he gave her a playful shove. "Ha, ha, ha. You're so funny. Bobby's dad taught us all in tenth grade. Sometimes we'll go for fun, like that one time we went and Dutch drove the golf cart into the pool at the club. We may or may not have been a little drunk then."
"Are you kidding? You were probably a lot drunk to drive a cart into the pool." Despite her wanting to roll her eyes, she chuckled a little. "But seriously, you golf?" She saw him acknowledge this with a head nod. "Out of all five of you, who wins?"
His eyes gave her a cool stare. "Guess," was all he said.
Well, that's SO not going to be difficult. "For golf, you have to have patience. You and Dutch are automatically out." His arms crossed. "Johnny, you know you have little patience. But where you have at least ten percent patience, Dutch has zero. Tommy's also out. He's too fidgety. So that leaves Bobby and Jimmy. Jimmy's too much of a perfectionist to win. I'm going with Bobby."
Snorting, he asked "Why Bobby? He's an asshole like the rest of us."
"No he isn't. Bobby is the kindest snake. And the most patient. He tolerates all of the crap y'all doâ-"
He interrupted her. "Tolerates our crap does he? I'll have you to know Bobby joins in on the crap. And let me tell you, he can chug the most beer, belch the alphabet, and kick ass while doing it. Tolerates our crap..."
Thinking about her words he decided to have fun with them. "It sounds like you have a thing for him. He's single, maybe you should date him."
In an instant, she knew what he was up to. "Maybe I should. Bobby is handsome and sweet. I bet he would write the most beautiful love letters and be super romantic." She loves teasing him.
Narrowed eyes looked at her. "No. You can't date him. You're already taken. If it's love letters you want and romance, then it'll come from me." They locked eyes. Some kisses are given with the eyes before it reaches the lips. This is one of them. It's how souls catch fire.
Her face flushed and she inhabited a breathlessness she can't explain. Breaking the tension, she stated "I'm going to change for golf. If you want you can use my dad's clubs." She got off the bed.
"I don't want. I'll use my own. We stop by my house on the way," he commented.
Turning her head from grabbing a pair of leggings and a T-shirt, from the dresser, she wondered about that. "Wouldn't you rather avoid Sid?"
His hand itched to get a hold of her notebook. "He's not there. It's only my mom. He's at some production company meeting all day."
"Oh" was all she said. Then disappeared into her closet to change.
The minute she left, Johnny's nosiness took over. His hands snatched up the notebook. Skipping  over a lot of comments he read the ones about feeling inadequate, although he agrees with what she said, he found her comments on the quote "If a woman If a woman conceals her affection with the same skill from the object of it, she may lose the opportunity of fixing him; and it will then be but poor consolation to believe the world equally in the dark."
This is what stood out to him the most. Ava wrote "The best feeling in the whole world is being with someone who wants you just as much as you want them. Never stop showing someone how much they mean to you. And while I agree with Charlotte's words, the affection doesn't stop after you've won your object of affection. It continues after you've got them. Words are meaningless, but actions aren't. While words can be meaningful, the actions behind them are what makes or breaks them. Real love is about vulnerability. Vulnerability is the bridge of connection. The best love is the one that makes you a better person without changing you into something you're not. It's like you won't even notice you've changed, but yet you have for the better. I had that once and I lost it. But it's come back again."
There's that word again... change. That's a thought for another day, but her words I had that once and lost it, and it's come back again. Does she mean him? His heart threatened to jump out of his chest. It almost did when he heard the closet door open.
Closing the book with a speed he didn't know he possessed, he sat on the edge of the bed as nothing had happened. She wore a pair of black leggings with a long white T-shirt and cropped denim jacket over it. Her golf cleats are in her hands, while KEDS are on her feet.
"I'm ready. Let's go," she told him. Smiling at her, he stood up and held out his hand. She took it and they left her room. He noticed she smelled of roses and coconut. Whatever it is, she smells good.
Walking down the stairs together, they both smiled. This is nice. This is what's been missing, for them both. Peace. But her little brother threatened it. "I took the liberty of ironing your diary." He held it up in his hands.
"Oh my gosh. I'm going to kill you. Now give it back before I actually do." She ran down the remaining few steps and stalked towards him.
Before she could reach him he opened a page and read. "Tonight Johnny called meâ" And then she snapped. She ran and jumped on his back and pummeled him to the floor. Both her mother and Johnny stared at them, one with horror the other with amused laughter.
"You ruin my life! I swear on Alex P. Keaton's briefcase, I will get you back for this," she shouted at him. At least she has the diary back.
Her mother announced, "Chase whatever you did to agitate your sister, do not do it again. Maybe you should bark up another tree instead." She took the diary from Ava's hands. "I'll hold on to this while you're gone."
Ava nodded and felt incredibly embarrassed, not thanks to her idiot brother. She walked off to the garage to get her clubs. Instead of going to foyer, she entered the kitchen and grabbed her water bottle and filled it up.
Carrying both the clubs, water bottle, and cleats she walked past Johnny and out the front door. Over to her car she went and opened it to grab her sunglasses. Once she had them, she met Johnny at his convertible. He already had the door open and took the clubs from her hands. After putting them in the backseat, he cornered her and pulled her in for a hug.
"I have to say that was a badass take down. Although next time, you might want to land on your knees softer. I'll teach you," he chuckled out.
She pushed him, and said "Shut up." Getting into the car, she closed the door and put her sunglasses on. Stupid Chase! She's still stewing about him and she meant what she said. She's going to get him back somehow.
Staring the car but not moving, he questioned her. "So you write about me in your diary?" He saw her face turn bright red. Grabbing her hand, he whispered "I write about you in mine." Her head turned to him. "I do, so there." Then he kissed her hand and backed out of her drive.