Penelope gentle lowered herself onto the soft, plush, and olive green chair. Across from her was a dark cherry wood desk and a woman older her with blue eyes and dark brown hair. Penny's knee bounced uncontrollably, similarly to Aubrey brother. He was truly the reason she sat behind the fancy desk. Her office wasn't that big, but it didn't need to be. It had one big window and a small side room that doubled as a bathroom and a small kitchen. Aubrey honestly didn't care about that fact because no one else used this office. The whole floor is actually rented out to psychologists, therapists, counselors, and psychiatrists so she wasn't out of place.
"I am really happy that you came!" Aubrey addressed Penny. She was completely unsure if Penny would actually show, or if she scared the young girl off. Her next words actually might.
Aubrey continued, "Tell me how you are feeling. What did you do for the rest of the week?"
Penny at first shrugged her shoulders and said "Nothing much."
"Come on Penny. there must have been something that you did. Did you lay in bed all day and night or did you do something, like watch a movie at least."
"Yeah, I watched a movie. I kind of had a movie day outside of my bed. Yesterday I went to this cafe and it started to snow. It made me really happy."
"That is fantastic!" Aubrey encouraged. "It is important for you right now is to find little acts of self care or things that make you happy. I would like to get serious now. Based on my observations, you showed traits of depression: feeling down, isolating yourself, lack of motivation, lack of energy, and having a disturbed sleep schedule. I can not diagnosis you with depression because I do not know how long you have been feeling like this. I want to know what trigged your feelings and help you work through it all."
Penny tried to be shocked at her words. A small part of her wanted to believe that she had a strong mental state despite everything. However, she knew her teenage years have ruined her mental health.
"You don't look too shocked at that news?" Aubrey observed. "Can you tell me more about how you are feeling."
"You are right," Penny revealed. "I'm honestly not that shocked by that news. Let's say that I didn't have the easiest upbringing and I prefer not to talk about it."
"That is completely okay if you do not trust me with that information yet. I don't expect you too. Do you trust me enough to talk about what trigger what you are experience now? Or have what you been feeling continuous and before you moved to New York?"
"Umm," Penny was obviously hesitant. She has never talked about herself in this manner. She never discussed her emotions before. This was new territory. "I was doing okay moving here and getting settled. Everything just became overwhelming very quickly. Quentin would yell and get angry at me. I kept on getting rejection after rejection from auditions. I felt very isolated since the only one I saw was Ms. Birdie. It just became easier to shut down and stay hold up in my room."
Aubrey wrote down some notes and triggers to help in the future. "Everything that caused this depressive episode is completely reasonable. You father passed away, you had to move to New York the same week, you got married, and then tried to reenter the workforce in one of the most competitive fields. What I want you to do is get a journal and write what you did that day, how tired you are at the end of the day, and then your feelings on that day. It seems like to me that you are having a hard time recognizing when you become overwhelmed. That it is easier to work until you drop." Penny looked down at that comment. Her therapist was right. "I don't want something to trigger these episode again, like be overwhelmed. Keeping a journal can help get in touch with her emotions again."
"What if I never feel better? I don't even know what that feels like," Penny muttered.
Aubrey could tell that Penny went through something traumatic. There are so many different types of trauma that the only why she will know is if Penny tells her. Aubrey will patiently wait for that day.
"Well, right now, our goal is for you to feel motivated again and for you to recognize feeling overwhelmed and stressed. It's not going to be easy. Tell me, what is your favorite memory?" Aubrey asked.
Penny went through her memories. She couldn't say that seeing her father dead was her favorite memory, because that is way too dark for the first session of therapy. It is also very concerned. Penny promised to herself that the information will never be revealed to anyone. She chooses another joyful memory, "Being involved in my first college performance. The people were amazingly talent and super nice. It was the musical Mary Poppins and I was just ensemble and had no speaking lines, but I had so much fun. It was such a thrill to be on stage with people more professional than just high schoolers."
Aubrey was happy to see Penny smile while telling that memory. She could tell that it was genuine and not just saying something to make her satisfied, which is what a lot of her patients do.
"Well, that seems like a great moment. When you started to become down on yourself or feel like you will never get better, remember those happy moments." Aubrey looks at Penny right in her eyes. The two women's bond is starting to grow, more than just therapist and patient. It is starting to grow into a deeper friendship and hopefully into something were they can both trust each other with everything. "I'm sorry Penny, but that is all the time we have today. I want you to go get a notebook and just treat yourself to a good lunch. Maybe call my sister or Danny to join you."
Penny smiles at Aubrey. She is happy that she is getting to know the oldest Romano sister. She is kind, helpful, and understanding. It is also nice that they are required to see each other once a week. It will help Penny from feeling so isolated. "Thanks Aubrey! I'll see you next week...Wait, not here! I'll see you for Thanksgiving dinner. If you would like, we can find a private room at my parents and talk there?" Penny nods in agreement. "Okay, call me if you need anything."
Aubrey walks not to far from her desk with Penny to her office door. She watches the redhead leave the office towards the elevator. Now, it was time for Aubrey break. She had a half hour before her next client was to arrive. She used this time to digitize her note and read over the next patients one.
She planned on using it for something different.
She went to the bathroom and spent a few minutes putting Penny notes into her computer. An alarm startled Aubrey. A cold sweat swept through her body, her hands trembled. Her heart beat increased to a rapid pace. She scooted to the edge of her seat and picked up the thing that was next to her.
Oh my God! Aubrey thought when she saw to results.
She almost passed out. The shaking calmed down, but her heart beat remained fast, close to beating irregular. She reaches for her personal phone, and presses the number to her dear husband, Logan.
"Logan Hill speaking," it was obvious that he didn't check the caller ID, he was at work after all.
"Logan, I'm pregnant!"
***
Penelope walked into the elevator of the building. She pulled out her phone and sent a message to Addison, who she hasn't seen in sometime. Penny waited calmly. She didn't expect a message right away from anyone. It was unrealistic.
Penny didn't want to do go back to the penthouse if Addison was able to go to lunch. So she decided to walk around the city, to understand her new environment. So she walked to the end of the block, took note of the street and started walking. It was still morning, albeit late morning. The streets weren't crowded, so she just walked around.
While walking she found a random corner drug store. She walked in and made a beeline to the office supplies. She found a small blue coiled notebook. It wasn't big enough for her to feel intimated to fill, but was enough to fill up with her thoughts. It was also fairly cheap and in her budget.
She walks out of the drugstore after paying. She put the notebook into her purse, which fits perfectly. She smiles to herself and continues walking.
Penny has been trying really hard to find small things that make her happy: going to the cafe, watching the snow drift down, watching her favorite movies, and buying items that make her life easier.
However, these (at the moment) are just bandages on a large wound. One can pretend that it is doing something and helping the body, but it is truly just a cover. It doesn't do anything.
Penny's thoughts turn to dark places a majority of the time. Her feelings of "I can't do this" and "I'm just so tired" motivate her to become unmotivated. Her mind tells her that she didn't land any jobs yet because she doesn't deserve it. She looks back at the success in San Francisco and tells herself that she didn't deserve it. It's not like anyone appreciated her back home, and no one is doing it now. If she deserves the success, someone would have told her. The only one that gave her praise was Ms. Birdie. Penny had convinced herself that was only because she pitied the girl.
Ms. Birdie acted like a fly on the wall at home. She saw the horrors Mr. Marshall had put the girl through, but couldn't do much. If she told anyone, she would be stripped of her job, leaving Penny to fend for herself. She could never leave the girl she saw as a daughter. Not after losing her own years ago.
Penny didn't see that. She had it drilled in her head that Ms. Birdie was only there out of pity, not truly love.
Day in and day out since arrive in New York, her father's words throb in her subconscious. It never used to affect her, with insults that reflect off her. Now, escaping her living hell and entering the real world, it all comes back.
That is the thing with trauma. It doesn't feel like trauma until it is over.
"Worthless, bratty little girl is all you'll be good for" her father screams.
"No one loves you," her father whispers while she lays on the ground, tears leaking from her eyes.
"You deserve nothing, you bitch," He say through his clenched teeth.
"This is what you deserve," her father would say after the last kick.
Penelope would be there, facing it all at home. Leaving the house for jobs would feel like a miracle. It took her mind off of the horrors at home.
Now, she was gone, forever away from home. The thoughts would creep in when she was alone at home. No one, nothing was there to keep her mind off of the past. New emotions flooded her mind and she didn't know how to feel, act, or express.
Her body went into shut down mode.
Thankfully for her, someone decided to do something about it and find her some help. Penny is still having a hard time accepting the fact that someone wants to help her. She barely knows this woman. After all, she is her sister-in-law. How could she trust someone she just met? For now, Penny will remain like a safe, and hopefully her new therapist will be able to find the right combination.