I Can't Do This.

Warnings: talk of self-hatred. Crying. Cussing?? Idk anymore.

Words 1630

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"How can something so good end up being so torturous?"

Tyler let out a small huff of laughter as he turned off the bathroom light. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Y/n rolled her eyes. She didn't feel like trying to be nice tonight. "Of course you don't. You only experience the 'so good' part."

Tyler let out one of those 'nose laughs' as he plopped down on the bed beside his impregnated wife. "Gotta love the good memories." He flung his arms behind his head, closing his eyes with a small smirk.

Y/n whacked his arm, making him flinch, and look at her confusingly. "You don't get how painful this is! I'm tired: can't sleep. I'm uncomfortable: can't move. I'm sore: can't-"

"Y/n, I help you with all of those things. And I know it's difficult for you, but I'm helping all that I can. If you can't sleep: wake me up. If you're uncomfortable: I'll move you into a better position. And if you're sore: I'll give you some Tylenol." Tyler rubbed her arm. Softly trying to comfort her.

Y/n looked down at the sheets. "I just want this goddamn baby out of me."

Tyler let out a soft sigh, a sad smile taking his face. He didn't have a comforting answer to make her feel better, because he knew there was no way to change her mind about the situation. Instead, he just wrapped her into a long hug. Holding her close to him as if he'd lose her.

Y/n nuzzled her nose into the crook of his neck, closing her eyes. She felt terrible for feeling terrible — if that makes sense.

Her only thought was if she couldn't deal with the pregnancy how on earth would she deal with the actual baby itself? She feared she'd be a terrible mother.

The back of her eyes began to ache, and her throat formed a lump; she was on the verge of tears. She unwrapped her limbs from Tyler and put on a soft smile. "I need to use the bathroom." She excused herself.

She didn't want to tell Tyler about how horrible of a mother she thought she was going to be. She didn't understand fully why, but she knew part of it was because she wasn't sure if he'd agree with her or not.

Her normal mind knew it sounded stupid but her pregnant mind was constantly reminding her how horrible of a person she was for not being able to take the pain of pregnancy. She wasn't fit to be a mother, and it scared her.

Tyler watched y/n sensitively as she shut the bathroom door. It was as if he was bracing himself for her to have a breakdown right then and there.

Y/n stared at herself in the mirror, trying her best to ignore her perfect imperfections. All she saw was a failure. The dark circles under her eyes were evidence of the torturous nights awake, tossing  and turning to find a comfortable spot. Her red eyes were evidence for not only tiredness but tears that were theartening to spill.  She couldn't believe that Tyler could ever think she was perfect for him.

He wanted children. He wanted a family. And out of every girl he could have picked he picked the one that felt like giving up right then and there. The one that felt like everything that they did and planned was a mistake.  She should have never brought up having a child.

It wasn't that she didn't want to have a child, but she didn't want to do something wrong and mess up. She felt totally trapped in hopeless.

She splashed water in her face, hoping to somehow make herself look happier. She tried to put on a soft smile like she could 8 months ago when her life was perfect.

She jumped when she heard a soft knock at the door followed by a quiet comforting voice: "y/n/n, you okay in there?"

Y/n squeezed her eyes shut tightly for a moment, as if it would help the terrible aching anxiety feeling in her stomach. She couldn't do this anymore, and she needed to tell someone before her mind took over and did something she didn't want.

Y/n grasped the doorknob, opening to reveal Tyler mid-knock. A soft smile grew on his face at the appearance of his wife, but it soon disappeared when he saw the small frown, and red eyes.

"Tyler..." she whispered, feeling as though it was easier to keep herself from crying if she was whispering.

Tyler looked at her with concern, but said nothing. He gave her space to think out what she was about to say.

She took a deep breath, the burning feeling in her chest making it hard on her to focus. "This was a mistake." She said quietly, tears falling from her eyes.

Tyler looked at her fearfully and confused. "What was a mistake?" He asked, feeling as though his entire body would give up on him. Did she mean the relationship? Did she mean the marriage that they so happily promised forever?

"No, I can't do this." She said, pointing to her now huge baby bump. A wistful look evident in her eyes that Tyler couldn't help but notice.

"It was a mistake saying we should have a kid. We weren't ready, Tyler, and I'm scared out of my mind." She let out a sob, and Tyler wrapped his arms around her holding her close.

She let out another hard sob. "I'm so scared." She choked out, using Tyler's shirtless shoulder as a tissue.

"I know, baby. It'll be okay."

"I can't even handle this pregnancy how am I going to be handling a kid?" She cried.

Tyler began to rock them back and forth as some sort of dance."Because I'm going to be with you every step of the walk." He explained.

Y/n was practically coughing out sobs into Tyler's bare chest, as he calmly whispered comforting words into her ear.

"I don't want to be a bad mom." She sobbed. Tyler held her tighter.

"There is no way for you to be a bad mom, y/n. You are the most caring, kind, and patient human I have ever met."

Her sobs increased at those words. Not because she was sad but because she was relieved he believed that. "I'm so scared." She repeated, and he began to run his fingers through her hair.

"I know, honey, me too." He said honestly. After that they went silent. The only thing being heard was y/n's hard sobs.

After a few minutes, and her sobs seemed to calm down. She wasn't fully done crying, but she wasn't choking on her own tears. Tyler picked her up, (which used to be a piece of cake when she wasn't as big, but he'll never tell her that) and carried her to the bed, plopping her down on her side of the bed.

He gave her a chaste kiss on her forehead.  "It's okay to be scared." He whispered, mere inches from her face. "I don't want you thinking your going to be a bad mom. It pains me.

But I understand."

Y/n had stopped crying by now, but a frown remained on her face. He slowly leaned down to kiss her lips softly, before pulling up. "I'm going to go get you some water, and a heating pad. Do you want anything else?" He asked softly. His tone sounded as though he had been defeated.

His heart ached for y/n. He never wanted her to be sad. It pained him to see her all beat up, especially over something he couldn't really fix.

She shook her head, letting out a shaking breath. He nodded, and made his way downstairs. He got two glasses of water and the heat pad from the closet.

After y/n was all settled, Tyler climbed in the bed. He stared up at the ceiling, thinking long and hard about what y/n was saying.

Did she not want to have a child with him? No, that would be silly. She wouldn't have married him if she didn't. He just hoped she could see how he saw it; as a beautiful creation being made before her eyes. Better yet inside of her.

It astonished him.

Y/n jumped and gasped slightly, making Tyler tense up and look over at her with concern. "Oh, Ty, feel!" She urged cheerfully, as she grabbed his hand and placed it on her belly.

He waited patiently, looking around the room as if it's help him feel what she wanted. That's when he felt her stomach move under his hand, and he pulled it away quickly, letting out a yelp of surprise. He then began to laugh joyfully.

His eyes began to water at the small little encounter he had with his not-yet-born baby.

He placed his hand back on her stomach, waiting patiently yet again.

Y/n watched Tyler's face light up as the baby moved inside of her, making her feel a weird sensation. It kinda hurt, but it was worth it if she could see Tyler's face light up every time.

Tyler looked up into y/n's eyes, a small sparkle of happiness evident in his brown orbs. "You can't tell me that you don't love that."

A small smile took her face, and she nodded. "I do love it."

He matched her smile as he leaned up to kiss her on the lips. He then quickly leaned over and kissed her stomach, laying his head down onto her belly.

"You mean the world to me already." He smiled.

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Still working on a request 🙂 I feel happy being able to say that :D