Letting go is part of growing up.
That's easy to say. Definitely harder to do.
Letting go of what is holding you back is the key to getting the best out of life.
But how do I let go?
How do I let go of the guilt that's keeping me captive inside my brain for not saving my sister? If I can let go of that burden, maybe I can forgive myself?
Maybe if Tyler could look past what happened to his sister and accept the fact that it wasn't his fault, maybe then he would forgive himself?
How do you forgive yourself for not preventing what could have been prevented if you just gave a little more attention?
Forgiveness is easier when it's not internal.
Somehow I've come to the stage of acceptance.
I know now that my sister's death wasn't my fault. I couldn't have thought her inner demons, even if I knew about them. She was old enough to make her own decisions and as much as it hurt me, it was her choice to end her internal pain. Her lifeless body will forever haunt my memories but I don't feel as guilty as I did.
I know I could have prevented it if I just paid a little more attention but I won't beat myself up anymore. I'd rather focus on the good memories I have with her. Those good memories are busy replacing all the bad ones. That's how I know I'm busy letting go of the guilt and eventually I'll be able to move on.
Tyler on the other hand hasn't stopped beating himself up. I guess it's harder to have someone, who constantly reminds you about what happened, walking around you than not being able to see the person because they aren't there anymore. As bad as it sounds, it's true. I'm starting to let go because I don't have my sister walking around to remind me of what happened.
I just hope Tyler will grant himself the opportunity to fight off the guilt and start to let go. Especially when Hayley is still alive and stepping into the next phase of her life. I'm sure she doesn't want to be dragged down by Tyler's guilt.
Once you accept the guilt and learn to live with the guilt, you'll strat to realise the change around you. I'm not as stubborn nor hot headed as I was a year ago. I'm not as guarded as I used to be. I'm starting to free myself. From the pain. From all of it. But there will always be one thing that will keep on dragging me down.
My parents.
" If you decide to stop day dreaming about how good I am in bed, some help would be appreciated." Tyler's voice rings through my ears.
The sudden sound of his voice blasting through my ear drums makes me jump. Tyler stifles a laugh as he continues to throw in my bathroom accessories, that got left behind when I rushed off with Emily, into a brown box.
" Don't just throw it in you dimwit. " I scold as I carefully pick up my very expensive purfume that dad bought for me from Paris.
" Vicious aren't we?" he chuckles.
" Old habits die hard." I shrug.
We continue to clear out my bathroom. It's the last room that needs to be cleared from my stuff before we can slip away and drive back to Emily's apartment where more of my stuff is waiting for me.
I'm finally moving in with Tyler.
It's ridiculous because I've only known him for less than a year.
But eh, when you know, you know.
You sound just like Emily. Didn't you scold her about moving in with Parker-
Oh for heavens sake. I'll never get please you.
" Shit." Tyler curses all of the sudden.
I frown and before I can ask I hear the front door open.
" Shit indeed." I agree as a little panic starts to go through my body.
Looks like dear old mother decided to come back home. Shocking, I know.
She probably already saw Tyler's car and is on her way to start World War 3 with me at this very given moment.
Maybe Tyler should escape through my window?
It won't help because she already saw his car.
He could pretend he's having a stroke and then we will have to take him to the hospital and-
" Allison." I hear my mother's stern voice as she rounds the corner and comes into view from my bedroom door.
She's dressed in her uniform, explaining that she just came home from work.
" Hi mom." I whisper.
Why am I whispering?
She's intimidating.
Damn right.
Her eyes widen as she notices an awkward Tyler with a box in his arms. She quirks an eyebrow demanding an explanation.
" I'm moving in with Tyler."
Why did I just say that? I don't have to explain myself to her.
" Oh wow, well what about Emily?" she questions.
I'm beyond blown away by her response to me moving in with a guy I've barley known for a year.
" She uhm - I want - "
" I offered her to rather move in with me than to be a burden to Emily and her boyfriend. " Tyler cuts in.
I'm not a burden-
You are.
" What a surprise." my mother laughs awkwardly.
Is she okay? I think she might be suffering from something horrible.
" Let me know if you need any help. "she smiles and before either of us can respond she dissappears out of the room.
" Well-"
" She-" we both say at the same time.
We stay silent for what feels like hours just absorbing the new behavior from my mother.
" Let's finish up quickly before her attitude decides to change." I speak up breaking the silence.
Tyler nods as we grab the last of my stuff before heading down stairs and loading them into Tyler's car.
Should I say goodbye to my mom? I don't know when I'll see her again.
Before I can make a decision a car pulls up next to Tyler's car. My dad emerges from the car leaving me stunned for the second time today.
" Dad?" I question almost not believing what I'm seeing in front of me. I haven't seen him since my accident.
" Hey sweetheart. How are you holding up?" he asks with a bright smile as he starts unloading his car and pulling out boxes.
" I'm struggling to understand what's going on with the universe today." I mutter to myself but apparently loud enough for my dad to chuckle lightly.
He continues to unload the car before closing the door.
" Help me carry these boxes son." he speaks up to Tyler.
As if on instinct Tyler pushes forward and grabs hold of a box.
I knew we should have left earlier.
I do the same thing and grab hold of a box and follow my dad and Tyler back into the house.
" It's good to be back. " my dad smiles to himself as the last box is placed down in the house.
" What do you mean by that?" I ask all confused.
" Your father is moving back in." my mother announces from the staircase.
That explains her shift in attitude.
" How fun. " I reply sarcastically.
I don't have the time nor the energy to be scooped up in their complicated relationship. As long as they keep me out of it I won't show a care in the world.
" Well uhm this was a delightful trip back home but we need to get going -"
" Stay." my mom interrupts. " Just for dinner. Please." she continues.
I look over to Tyler for an answer and he nods approvingly. My hope of getting out of this place falls down my shoulders before I drag him out of sight from both my parents.
" What the hell was that? Do you want me to suffer? "I scold him.
" Ally please just hear them out. Life's too short to waste such special time. " he says sternly with a hint of sadness in his voice.
He did just lose his dad.
Damn it, he's pulling out that card.
" Okay fine. " I sigh.
A goofy grin reaches his face before he pulls me into a tight hug.
This better be worth it.
***
" So uhm you guys are back together?" my mother asks just as we begin dishing up.
" Yep." I answer shortly, indicating that I really don't want to discuss this subject.
" That's great sweetheart. I'm so happy for you." dad smiles brightly.
Is he high?
Lucky him.
" Are you guys back together?" I question my mom as I quirk my eyebrow.
My mom gives me a tight smile as her hand takes hold of dad's hand.
" We are sorting things out. " she answers.
" Moving back in together is sure one hell of a way to sort things out. "I reply sarcastically.
Mom gives me a stern look before brushing my attitude off from her shoulders and grabbing the salt.
Don't be so salty Ally. I just started growing to like you.
Whatever.
" This food is delicious. " Tyler says after a few minutes filled with silence.
He's never been one for small talk.
Mom gives him a light smile before carrying on eating.
" What are your plans ahead Tyler?" Dad decides to ask.
Tyler looks over at me with uncertainty. I nod towards him to answer my dad other wise it would be considered as rude.
" I'm finishing up my degree in computer engineering this year and then I will be taking over my mother's company as she is ready to retire." he admits blowing us all away.
His mother owns a company? What the actual what? Well I should have probably assumed that they have shares somewhere big seeing as the house they live in is big enough to hold an entire village.
" Sounds like you have your future set out for you." my mother chips in excitingly.
Is she starting to like him?
" What about you Allison?" my father asks averting his attention towards me.
I drop my fork at the sudden question. The audacity they have to ask me such a question.
" Not much seeing as you robbed me from any chance I had to being successful." I say through gritted teeth.
Down boy.
My mother clears her throat.
" Well if you haven't gotten yourself arrested or hospitalized then we wouldn't be sitting where we are right now. " she speaks up.
The nerve she has.
" Oh you-" right then the doorbell rings and cuts me off mid sentence.
My mother quirks her eyebrow as she stands up to open the front door.
She walks back into the dining room a few minutes later.
" Ally it's for you." my mom announces.
My eyebrows furrow as I get up from where I'm seated and head over to the front door.
I halt in my step as I notice the person that is waiting patiently for my arrival.
As if this evening couldn't get worse.
" Zac. " his name leaves my lips just above a whisper.
" Hey Ally." he greets me with guilt laced all over his voice.
I gulp before walking over to him and closing the door behind me. It would be better if Tyler stayed out of this.
" Why are you here? How did you -"
" I'm sorry Ally." he spits out interrupting me.
He's sorry? Sorry that he kissed me in front of Tyler which lead to me getting into a car crash and then to me being cut off financially. Yeah saying ' I'm sorry' will fix everything.
" Look before you go all ape shit crazy on me just know that I'm really truly sorry about what happened. No words can describe the guilt I felt when you were hospitalized. Kissing you was the worst mistake I could have made, especially when I promised you that it wouldn't happen at the start of our friendship. I couldn't stop crying for days Ally and when I finally got the guts to confront you I couldn't find you anywhere. I eventually hacked your phone and tracked you down and now I'm here, begging you to please just hear me out. " he says in one quick breath.
" You hacked my phone? "
His face drops at my question.
" I mean-"
Zac stops me again by waving his hands in front of him.
" You don't have to say anything. What I did was a dick move and the consequences that lead to that was way worse than I ever expected. Just know that I'm grateful to you for helping me discover and embrace who I truly am. I will never forget the stupid shit we got into and I will forever be grateful to you. Just know that I am so so sorry for throwing all of that away in a matter of seconds. " he continues.
A heavy sigh leaves my chest as I look at Zac. Even though he messed up a huge part of my life I can't just hand the blame all over to him. We all played our roll in what happened that night and it's unfair to blame it all on Zac. He was confused and what he did wasn't the right way to go but he at least admitted it.
Am I really going to throw away one of the best and realest friendships that I have ever had?
" Ally?" I hear Tyler's voice call for me.
Shit.
Tyler opens the front door before I even get a chance to think of a plan.
Once his eyes land on Zac he stiffens.
" Before you detach his limbs-"
" What the fuck is he doing here?" Tyler growls.
I roll my eyes at the immediate armor Tyler puts on as soon as he identifies a threat.
" Just calm down. This is between Zac and I." I sigh.
" No it's not just between the two of you. He kissed my girlfriend in front of everyone and you expect me to just be okay with this?" he pants.
Well if you put it like that...
" I'm sorry Tyler." Zac says with clear evidence of guilt in his voice.
My heart cringes at the sincerity in his voice.
I know he's sorry and saying 'I'm sorry' usually doesn't do it but it's the only way he knows.
" Sorry isn't going to cut it this time you asshole. " Tyler spits as he pushes Zac against his chest making him stumble back.
" Tyler!" I yell in response to his unacceptable behavior.
I pull Tyler by the shoulder as he only just shrugs me off before throwing a strong punch into the side of Zac's face.
" Oh my God Tyler!" I yell furiously as I push him harder this time and eventually get him away from Zac.
" Stop! Just fucking stop!" I yell in his face as he tries to charge for Zac again.
He stops midway as he notices the beyond furious expression on my face. I'm pissed and he knows it.
" I know your angry at him but he apologized and I forgive him! He's still my friend Tyler! You can't just go and beat him up as if it's nothing! You're better than this!" I spit out.
I watch as Tyler's chest rises and falls heavily due to the adrenaline.
" He deserved that punch. He's lucky he got off that easy. " he growls.
I nod. There is truth behind Tyler's words but it doesn't clarify his actions.
" Go gather your things. We're leaving." I whisper and plant a soft kiss onto his lips in hope to calm him down.
He does as he is told and leaves the two of us behind.
" He really does love you Ally." Zac announces as he gets up from the ground where he fell on.
He walks over to me and gives me a kiss on the cheek.
" Hold on tightly to him. I'll keep my distance for a while until he calms down. I love you Ally." he whispers.
A tear rolls down my cheek as he starts walking away. After all that we have been through I can't imagine not going over to his place to gossip and to cry about Tyler or to get drunk. He's the male version of Emily and I can't live without the two of them.
"Zac." I speak up making him turn around.
I run into his arms and hold onto him tightly.
" I forgive you." I sniff and push away.
" I'm so happy to hear that. See you soon Ally." he smiles.
I make my way back to the house.
I quickly wipe away any sign of emotion before entering the dining room where both my parents are clearing the table. Mom is laughing at a story my dad is telling and for the first time since Maddie's death I see some source of happiness inside of my mom. It warms my heart to see her this carefree.
" Are you ready?" Tyler asks from behind me.
" Go wait for me in the car. I'll be out soon." I say with an unsteady voice.
He kisses my shoulder before heading off.
I step further into the dining room, catching both their attention.
" I'm heading off. Thank you for dinner." I say and as I turn around to leave I hear my dad call my name.
I feel arms wrap around me as I turn back around. Dad wraps his arms tighter around me and gives me a kiss on the head.
" You are capable of anything that you desire. I'm already proud of you Ally." he whispers.
Here comes the water falls.
" Thanks dad." I choke out as I can't contain my emotions anymore.
As he pulls away I'm pulled into a tight embrace by my mom.
This hasn't happened in so long. I'm not exactly sure how to react but after a few seconds I wrap my arms around her posture.
" I'll activate all your accounts tomorrow. I'm so proud of you for moving on with your life. And I'm sorry." mom says in one quick breath.
I'm stunned by her whole speech.
I pull away after a few seconds and wipe away a few stray tears.
" Don't activate my accounts. I don't need your money. This whole living with uncertainty is doing me better than what I expected." I admit.
You idiot.
No I'm not an idiot. I've learned the value that money holds over a person and I won't let it define me. I want to work for it from now on. I don't want money to fall back on when I hit rock bottom. Even though Tyler is filthy rich, I'll never ask him for a penny. I'm doing this on my own. I'm doing this for me.
" Look at our girl growing up." dad smiles as his eyes tear up.
" Oh please don't start now." I chuckle as he pulls me in for one last hug.
We share a few more words before I start making my way over to the front door.
" Come visit soon?" mom asks hesitantly.
I nod my head and give her a reassuring smile.
It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Is this how internal forgiveness feels like?
I guess so.
I wave goodbye to my parents and climb into Tyler's car.
He looks over at me nervously, not sure about what to expect.
" Don't worry about it." I smile and lean over to kiss him.
He smiles against my lips.
" Do you think your parents will ever approve of us?" he asks after breaking our kiss.
" I don't know. They still believe we are bad for each other." I shrug thinking into it. My mom did seem a little more relaxed with him but we're miles away from her acceptance.
" It doesn't matter what they think of us. I know that I love you and that should be enough to set us for the long road. " Tyler admits.
No more water falls. I repeat, no more water falls.
" You want some Taco Bell seeing as you didn't really eat at dinner? " Tyler asks breaking the silence.
I cringe at the thought of tacos.
" I hate tacos. " I admit.
What a disappointment.
" How can you not like tacos? It's the next best thing after sex. " he exclaims as we drive off into the dark night.
" We just have different opinions." I laugh.
Tyler still looks disgusted about me not liking tacos. It's not that big of a deal.
" I feel like I don't know you. " he jokes as he shakes his head." We don't really have anything in common now that I think about it. " he continues.
I look over at him and smile as I watch him concentrate on the road ahead. This man means more to me than he could ever imagine. Even if I don't show it as much.
" We'll always have bad in common. "
_______________________________________
Epilogue up next :)