I know I shouldn't be doing this.
But I am.
Basketball practice just ended and although I'm sore as fuck, I still have the energy and strength to bike somewhere further away from my house.
Lana Del Rey is blasting in my airpods so if a grown ass man tries to stop me, I have the strength to beat the fuck out of him. Lana is like that. She gets me going.
This whole day has been dragging on and it's only 7PM. It feels like midnight though because it is dark outside.
I woke up, still ecstatic from the Winter Formal, only to end up breaking Payton's heart, becoming enemies with her, Georgia to act like that night never happened, and most importantly, I said 'fuck you' to her.
There's not much time to overthink because my forehead is literally dripping down with sweat because of how nervous I am right now and also because of how exhausted I am.
The Lana song I was listening to had just finished and I got to my location, uncoincidentally.
I place my bike down without locking it anywhere because this is a rich ass neighborhood. Who the fuck wants to steal a poor girls bike?
I pick up my bag and reapply deodorant, use a face wipe, and spray on some more cologne that Claudia bought for me to hopefully look a little bit more presentable.
My mind flashes back to that one day that felt so long ago but was only a little over a month ago. I stare up at the mansion and all I can think is 'I shouldn't be doing this'. Still, I find my feet making their way up to the front door without my approval.
The neighborhood is quiet but this house is the quietest of them all. Too quiet.
Every inch is an inch closer to the door and regret.
Finally, I arrive at the door. I bring my hand up to knock and it is shaking uncontrollably. It's just a knock, why am I this scared?
What if she doesn't answer? I think that's worse.
Before I know it, my hand knocks on the door and I feel a large pit in my stomach.
It's too late for me to go home. Now it would be considered a ding-dong ditch.
Not trying to be stalkerish, but I peek through the windows in the front of the house to see if I can see any kind of movement. It's empty, but it makes sense that it's empty. She's the only person who lives here.
I may not see the movement but now I am hearing it. Even from the other side of the wall, I can tell it is her footsteps. And I hate that.
Finally, the footsteps stop.
The door opens from the other side and there she is.
"Hello-"
She stops when she sees it's me.
Ms. Reed is standing right in front of me, dressed in an oversized black UCLA hoodie, gray sweatpants, and of course, her signature glasses. She looks so different than how she normally does in school. In school she wears more formal athletic clothing but right now she's dressing how I dress.
She's wearing an outfit that seems like an outfit she would wear when she's not expecting company.
Especially not from me.
Just like me, Ms. Reed is frozen. She blinks at me like she has no idea what to say to me. I can't blame her though. What do you say to your former favorite student who said 'fuck you' to you hours prior?
My throat is dry and feels tight. I need to say something.
But what?
"Jules?"
Her voice is softer than I expected.
"Hi." Is all I can get out.
For a moment, my eyebrows furrow because now Ms. Reed is glancing past me. Looking left and right.
Then before I can think about what I want to say next, she grabs me by the wrist, grip tight, and pulls me inside.
I don't even have time to process any of what just happened because I hear the door slam shut behind me.
I would be lying if I said that I am not startled. My heart is racing and I'm even more anxious. "Jesus-"
"What the fuck are you doing here? Are you out of your mind?!" Her voice is low but urgent and strict.
Ms. Reed looks at me and she's looking at me like I just did something bad.
Pretty stupid of her because the bad thing I did was hours ago but I guess Georgia doesn't know when it is appropriate to use what emotions.
I cross my arms over my chest, trying my best to act and sound confident. "Relax. I just came here to talk."
Georgia rubs her temple like I'm giving her a headache. I probably am. "You should not be here right now Jules. Do you even realize what this looks like?! What if someone saw you outside?"
I shrug. "This looks like a student wanting to talk to their unresponsive teacher. And if someone sees then tell them to stop being a stalker."
The bright chandelier above makes it obvious that Ms. Reed's jaw clenches. She goes on her phone, and closes the window shades with an app. "Don't be smart with me Jules."
"Then don't treat me like I'm some fucking toy."
Ms. Reed's lips parts and she gives me a look.
She shakes her head and lets out a loud, frustrated breath and I begin to slam my eyes shut, waiting for her to kick me out of her house, now I know that she is strong as hell. I've known she's strong but not that strong.
But all she does is stand there, and is looking at me like I'm a lost puppy that she doesn't know what to do with.
It's silent. I'm trying to think of something to say to erase the tension but I can't. And it's stupid of me because I'm the one who came here and I completely forgot my plan.
"Why are you here Jules?"
Her voice is still stern and forceful, it's quieter now but I'm still about to shit my pants.
All I can do is just stare at her. I wish I had a simple answer but it's more complicated than that. I want to say 'I don't know' and just leave but we both know that that is bullshit.
Ms. Reed is still close to the door, like she's the one prepared to run away from her own house. She's watching me, waiting for my next move. I don't even know what my next move is though.
Finally, I begin to start saying something. "Because you're acting like it didn't happen."
Her face is the same as it was just a second ago. No shift in her expression whatsoever. "Like what didn't happen?"
"See?! This is what I'm talking about!" I'm almost screaming. I don't give a fuck if this is her house. "Are you actually being serious right now?!"
She doesn't say anything to me. Her voice doesn't but her eyes do because all she can do is blink right now. The look on her face is letting me know that she is just waiting for me to drop this situation once and for all.
I'd just like to say that's stupid of her because I won't drop it.
And she knows that.
I take two steps forward, closing the space between us more and more. She doesn't move away from her spot but I can see the way her shoulders are tense, trying her best to act unaffected.
"You do remember." I point my finger at her, only a few inches away from touching her chest. "You just don't want to admit it."
"Jules-"
"Stop acting like you don't. The dance. The song. The way you held me. The way you held me like-" I stop myself. I've already said things I'm regretting but there's still so much more I need to say. I don't know how to without my chest tightening even more. "I was there and so were you Georgia. I remember it so vividly and you're trying to gaslight me into thinking that it never happened?"
Ms. Reed presses her lips together and for the first time since we got into her house, she looks away. But I'm still looking at her. She's trying her hardest to let herself out of this conversation. I know it.
But I'm not going to let her.
"Just say it Georgia. Please." I'm practically begging now. "Just say you remember. Just tel- tell me I'm not crazy. That you remember it."
Slow and steady, Ms. Reed lets out a breath. "Jules." I back away from her and she finally moves away from the door. "I think you should go home."
That stings more than whatever I expected her to say.
I don't know how or what to feel. I'm furious and I'm frustrated. "So that's it?! That's all you have to say?" She doesn't say anything and I nod. "Right. Got it."
Without sparing her one more glance, I make my way to the door and put my hand on the handle. But then I hear something.
"Wait."
I'm paralyzed. I can't move. I can't think.
Ms. Reed doesn't saying anything for a moment and neither do I. There's no words in the dictionary I can think of to say.
"I remember."
My eyes squeeze shut.
I fucking knew it.
But after hearing her finally admit the truth, it does something to me. I don't know what but it does.
My hand leaves the handle and I turn around. Slowly.
She's standing there, trying her best to hold herself together. Embarrassed to look like that in front of me. Looking guilty.
I take a step closer to her and she doesn't shy away.
"You fucking gaslit me. Made me think that I imagined all of it. Do you know how fucked up that is to do to someone?"
Ms. Reed shakes her head. "Jules."
"You fucking held me!" My voice is beginning to shake and although it's happened with her before, this is the most vulnerable I've felt with her. The most I've felt my whole life. "You looked at me, complimented me, said and did all of this nice shit just to go on the next school day acting like it never happened?"
She looks down at the floor for a moment then back up at me. "I thought it was better that way, Jules."
Something inside of me snaps. I'm not sure whether it was the exhaustion, the hurt, the tension in the air, or the fact I biked all the way here to hear some dumbass excuse.
Or maybe it's the fact that she isn't pushing me away.
Before I can talk myself out of it or even register what I'm doing, I grab her hoodie and pull her towards me.
There's a tiny hitch in her throat and I can tell she didn't expect it. But she's not pulling away.
I don't know who moves first whether it's her or me. Maybe it's the both of us.
But suddenly, her lips are on mine.
It's not soft even just for the first second. It's desperate. I can hear tiny whimpers escaping from her mouth that is moving against mine. The world outside of this moment ceases to exist. Her hands hover near my arms, unsure whether to hold me or pull away from me.
But then, she does hold me. Her arms, gripping my elbows, tighter and tighter.
It lasts all of seven seconds before she pushes herself away from me and looks like she just witnessed a murder.
She stumbles away from me, near her banister, breathing hard. "Fuck fuck fuck."
I can't breathe as well. "You, you kissed me back." My voice is croaky.
Georgia runs her fingers through her hair, looking like she's about to either punch a whole through the wall her put her head through the wall. "This, this can't be happening. You have to go, Jules."
But I don't move.
And neither does she.
I take a step closer to her and to my surprise, she's still not moving away from me. "Why?"
She flinches. She's trying to look everywhere but at me.
"Is it because if I don't you won't be able to stop yourself from me?" I don't know where this confidence is coming from but I need her to admit it.
Georgia exhales very unsteady. "Please Jules."
"I feel it you know." My voice is still shaking but I think I can manage to say more before I fully lose my voice. "Every time you look at me, every time you lie to me and to yourself."
"You need to go, Jules."
This time she really does mean it.
Part of me wants to stay here and argue until she dares me to stop. But it's obvious from everywhere on her face that she's already breaking.
So I'm deciding to turn around and walk to the door, praying that she calls for my name again.
But she doesn't.
I grab onto the handle, open the door and close it and begin to make my way to where my bike is in the front of her driveway.
My hearts still racing, holding on to my crossed arms, my hands holding my elbows where Georgia's hands just were.
I don't turn around but I know she opened up that window, watching me leave.
I just don't know how things between us are going to be after this.
Authors Words:
So.............
Wasn't even thinking abt making their smooch this chapter but it just felt so right. (I was going to wait atleast another 3 chapters ð)
But then again this is what u guys def deserve after me being MIA for a lil over a week.
Dw bc I will be consistent again and no travelling.
Hope u guys enjoyed <3