If I had to say my least favorite holiday of the year, it would most definitely be Valentine's Day.
It's not that I don't want love to be excessively spread, it's just that I've never understood the idea of having a random day in February where you're forced to express your love. Sure, I've had my history lesson on everything that happened with St. Valentine. But why is it that people think love should only be spread on February 14th? Expression of love should be an everyday thing. Valentine's Day is the single "I love you" day, and I think that's so cliché.
Not to mention the gifts. Flowers and chocolates are the usual expectation, sometimes maybe even a diamond ring. But what's the point of buying someone a "romantic" gift like that when you're only doing it because it's what you're supposed to do? Because it's Valentine's Day. You could be a complete dick to your partner 364 days of the year, but one holiday can make up for everything. That I don't agree with.
Another thing I struggle with over the day of love is what the hell are girls supposed to buy their boyfriends? A new watch? Some women are dating multimillionaires who have every goddamn thing they could ever want. Some women are totally lost and have been stressing over what to get said multimillionaire boyfriend. And some women want to burst into tears over the stress Valentine's Day is being them.
With Valentine's Day being only a few short days away, I was struggling to find something to get Harry to express my...extreme liking for him. I thought about flowers, but I wasn't sure if he'd think that was odd. Knowing Harry, I'm sure he would truly appreciate flowers, since I know for a fact he's not insecure about his masculinity enough to find a bouquet offensive.
I knew I wanted to get Harry something special. It was our first Valentine's Day together, and as early as we are in our relationship, we haven't exactly moved slowly. But I still had a blank mind whenever I tried to think of ideas. Flowers were always an option, but I wanted something more for him.
So, I did what I always do when I'm in doubtâcall Jess.
As I pressed the phone to my ear, awaiting an answer from her, I played with the white, fluffy comforter below my crossed legs. The phone rang only a couple of times before Jess picked up on the other end.
"Hello?" she answered.
"Jess, I need your help," I didn't hesitate to get straight to the point.
"Why? Did something happen? Are you okay?" I could hear the small tint of panic in her voice, and I had a sudden feeling she had been awaiting a call for help.
"No, everything's fine," I assure her. "I just need your help with what to get Harry for Valentine's Day. I mean, it's been a while since I've had a valentine, and you know I'm not very good at this kind of stuff."
"You literally always give the best gifts, so I don't know what you're talking about," she argues.
"But you know Valentine's is different."
"I get it, I get it," she says calmly. "Well, what did you have in mind?"
"Flowers," I say hesitantly.
"Isn't that kind of a guy thing? I mean, everyone loves flowers but don't you think it'd be weird if you both get each other flowers? Like it'd be some kind of like...flower exchange."
I sigh. "You're right."
"Maybe you could cook him something," she suggests. "Like make the two of you a big dinner to eat together just in his house...because I highly doubt Harry will want to leave his house on Valentine's Day."
"That's a good idea," I say. "And I'll be home alone in the morning anyway. Harry has to go perform for some radio show pretty early on and I have no clue how long it'll take. Maybe I'll figure out something that takes all day to make."
"Exactly!" Jess encourages. "And then I know exactly what you can serve for dessert."
I could hear the hints in her voice, and I knew for a fact that I did not want her to finish that sentence out loud. I knew exactly what she was implying.
"Jess, that's weird, don't say that." I shake my head.
"Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me you won't be serving him a full platter on Thursday night," she challenges.
"Don't say that. It's not...we don't need to be talking about this, it's weird." I feel an uncomfortable feeling crawl up the back of my neck.
"What are you even talking about? We used to talk about our sex lives like it was for a podcast. Why are you all of a sudden weird out by that?"
"Because we're adults, Jess. Our sex lives shouldn't be something we discuss on the regular, especially mine, now that I'm with Harry," I explain to her. I tried my best to not come off as bitchy, but despite my efforts, it still came off that way. "I mean, it's been so long since the last time that I hardly remember ever talking about that kind of stuff."
"Well that's because the last time...was a while ago," she says, her voice a softer tone now.
"What do you mean by that?" I furrow my brows together in concern, hoping her statement didn't mean what I thought it meant. "Is Jackson acting weird again?"
"Well...yeah. Kind of," she speaks slowly, choosing her words carefully before letting them be spoken out loud. "It's just been a while since we last had sex. Like he's been super busy with work and I just haven't been feeling well lately."
"Still?" I raise my eyebrows in surprise. It's been a few days since I last talked to Jess, but I remember her saying she wasn't feeling well the last time we spoke. "Have you gone to a doctor yet? You've been sick for a while now, you might wanna get checked out."
"No..." she says slowly, dragging the word. "I don't think I need to see a doctor. Not yet, at least."
"Why not?" I furrow my brows.
"Okay, Lils, I've gotta tell you something but you have to swear you won't say anything to Jackson," she warns.
"Okay," I agree, nodding. "Just tell me."
"Lili, I'm pregnant."
Holy shit.
***
I hear the sound of the front door open, a beeping sound I have now become familiar with since I've been staying with Harry. I'm eternally grateful for the security system Harry has installed in his home. I know why he does it, and that his reasons for doing so are far more extensive than my fear of being home alone. But it's still a comforting feeling knowing that if any door or window leading to the exterior of the house opens, I'm alerted.
"Hi, baby," Harry greets me where I sat on the plush living room loveseat. "Sorry, that took way longer than I expected."
Harry had rehearsal this afternoon, which left me alone in his huge house with nothing but my thoughts. I wish he had a cat or something because I'm not used to being alone as much as I am now.
The rehearsal was only supposed to be about two hours at the most, he said this morning as he was getting ready to leave. But it was now four and a half hours later and he was just now getting home.
"No worries," I tell him with a shake of my head, truly meaning the words too.
"What have you been up to today?" he asks, placing his keys on the countertop as well as removing his winter coat.
I inhaled a deep breath through my nose, knowing I had to tell him about Jess. She gave me her full permission to tell him, just as long as word didn't get out. But we both knew Harry wouldn't tell anyone, he's trained to keep secrets. I was stressed about her position, especially since she told me about the sudden absence of Jackson, and how he was working late nights, despite living part-time (for free, might I add) in Jess and I's townhome.
"Harry, I have something to tell you," I say sitting up straight, and I immediately realized the way I said it was a little too dramatic for the scenario.
His head shoots in my direction, sending me a look of panic. "Okay?" he urges me to continue.
"So, I talked to Jess on the phone today," I begin my story, playing with the thick seam on the top of one of the sofa pillows. "And she told me that she is...pregnant."
Harry's expression softens but is still shocked. It was as if he was expecting me to say I was the one who was pregnant. His brows furrowed as he walked past the kitchen counter, slowly walking over to me.
"Like...for sure?" he questions. "Has she seen a doctor yet?"
"She doesn't think she's very far along," I further explain to him what she told me, inhaling a deep, shaky breath.
"Oh no. There's more, isn't there?" He asks, taking a seat on the arm of the couch.
I sigh. "There is. Um..."
I rub my palms against my thighs nervously. There wasn't really a way to say this, but I think it was important to add since it's quite obvious what question followed this explanation.
"Well, Jackson has just been...kind of absent lately," I start to say but then watch as Harry quickly stands to his feet, shaking his head.
"No, no," he mumbles almost inaudibly under his breath. I knew it wasn't something he meant for me to hear, but it probably just slipped.
"Harry..."
"You want to leave again, don't you?" He asks, his face showing that he was clearly frustrated.
"Well, like I said, Jackson has been gone a lot and I don't want Jess to-"
"Lili, I feel like I just got you back," he cuts me off, his voice breaking mid-sentence. "It seems like anytime we're finally able to be together, and things are going well, then there's always something that messes it up. Like, I'm seriously not trying to sound like a dickhead here, but honestly."
"But, Harry, you said that if at any time I wanted to go home to Jess, I could," I reminded him of his past promise.
He sighs in response, not saying a word.
"You never take back your promises."
He stays silent for a moment, standing with his arms folded. It was obvious he was choosing his words carefully before he blurted anything out that he may later regret saying. "L, I understand where you're coming from. And I admire your...passion to help. But I think it's unnecessary sometimes. I just feel like... Jess is a grown woman. And she has Jackson to help her take care of this baby. I mean, it takes two to tango, and they're still together, aren't they? They both participated in making this baby, so as parents, their responsibilities should be split equally. There's no reason to be putting all this extra stress onto your shoulders."
I knew he was trying to be nice, while also trying to convince me to stay. He and I both know he would never try to stop me from leaving, but he would do everything in his power to encourage me to stay. I appreciated the effort he was putting into choosing his words so he wouldn't come off as a jerk. But unlike him, I didn't think much before I spoke.
"Jackson is cheating on Jess."
The room fell silent between us. The reaction evident on Harry's face is equal to what it would've been if I had told him that I was the pregnant one; pure shock.
"What?" His tone was softened by a veil of understanding now. The look on his face told me he regretted his recent little speech.
"I don't know anything for certain," I make sure to add. "But yeah."
"Why do you think he's cheating on her?" Harry finds his seat on the edge of the armrest once again, calm enough to sit back down.
"It wouldn't be the first time," I say. "I can see the red flags. It's always the same - he says he's working late, ends up hanging out with some other chick, and then once he gets caught, he completely manipulates Jess into believing he didn't do it. Jess is just too love-blind to accept that it's happening again."
"But she still stayed with him after the first time?" He raises his eyebrows.
I nod. "And the second. And the third."
"There's no fucking way," he says in disbelief, jaw dropped. "Why does she keep going back to him?"
"Love makes you do crazy things sometimes," I say with a shrug. "She's so madly in love with him that she makes up excuses for him to fit this version of him that she's created in her head. I think she's desperate to protect herself from seeing him as he truly is."
"Have you like...talked to her about it?" he questions.
"Many times." I nod. "Her relationship with Jackson, the deeper side of it anyway, is the one thing Jess doesn't like to hear my opinion on. She's normally very open and upfront about everything, but this is the one thing she keeps behind the curtain."
"Wow." Harry lets out a breathy laugh, shaking his head in awe. "I never would've expected Jess to put up with that. She seems pretty hardcore - like she doesn't tolerate shit from anyone."
"She doesn't," I assure him, shaking my head. "Unless it's Jackson."
Harry stared off for a moment, the silence returning. He was deep in thought, I could tell by the look on his face.
"I'll leave after Valentine's Day." I brought the previous subject back up. I needed to go visit Jess.
"What about The Brits?" he mumbles back, keeping his state directed towards the floorboards.
"I can wait until after then too," I say, trying to be reasonable. My plan wasn't to leave right away in the first place anyway. I was thinking closer to the beginning of March. "And I'll only be gone for a few days...I just want to check up on her, then I'll come right back."
"March is really busy for me," he says in that same low tone. "I have a lot going on."
"See? Then I can be out of your way for a bit," I try to be optimistic. "I'll leave when you're the busiest."
"I don't want you 'out of my way'," Harry says, attitude painting his tone in a thick coat. "What if I want you to...what if I want you there with me?"
"I can be there with you for some of it, but I have to go home at some point."
I watched as he winced slightly at my words, almost as if I had just pinched him. He lets out a heavy sigh after yet another moment of silence, standing to his feet.
"Okay," he agrees, but I knew he wasn't happy about it. "Plan whatever out with Jess, and then let me know what you're doing."
And with that, he left the room without saying another word.
I throw my head back and let out a sigh of frustration. Why was he being so difficult about this? He's never had this much of a problem with it before, so what's so different this time?
I was undoubtedly irritated. And as if things couldn't get any worse, my phone started to ring from where it had been tucked beneath my leg. With a roll of my eyes, I reached down to answer the call, immediately coming to a stop once I read the caller ID.
George.
My heart did a little flip, panic rushing through my veins suddenly. Although I have more trust for George than I had for Noah, the entire situation was still very peculiar to me. The news had yet to receive any reports of Noah's body, but have found many other missing people in the process. It's amazing what authorities will do once they get the media attention.
I press the green button, nervously answering the call.
"Hello?" I say.
"Liliana," I hear the familiar voice say.
I let out a sigh of relief. "Hi, George."
"How have you been, hun? It's been a while since we last talked."
It had been a week, at the most.
"Oh, I'm doing well, thanks for asking," I say casually, wanting him to skip the small talk and get straight to his point of calling. "What's up?"
"Well," he sighs, "the missus and I are planning a sort of...celebration of life for our Noah, and well, we were wondering if you'd like to attend?"
That's the worst fucking idea I've ever heard.
"Oh, and when would that be?" I ask, though I had no intentions of going.
"The 15th," he says. "I know it's short notice, only being a few days away, but we weren't given much time to plan it. After the whole thing with the news and all, a few of Noah's friends are coming into town for the fu- I mean, celebration of life, sorry. We were just wondering if you would like to attend as well?"
"Actually, George, I'm not in London right now," I lie, but then quickly remember that The Brits is coming up soon, and there's a chance he may watch it. "I'm busting home right now and I don't fly into London until the 17th, so sadly I won't be able to make it. I'm really sorry."
"Ah, no worries," George says. "I just figured you would like an invite. You and Noah seemed close."
"I appreciate it, thank you." It took everything I had not to just hang up the phone right then and there. "But I won't be in town yet, I'm sorry."
"No problem," he assures me again. "Have a nice day, Liliana."
"You too, George."
We say our goodbyes and hang up, and then I have no choice but to just stare down at my phone. What the hell?
He's actually dead, isn't he?
* * *
sorry if this chapter sucked i haven't written a real chapter in almost 6 months. i missed u all sm and i'm glad to be back. thank u so much for being so patient while i took my little break. luv u guys endlessly <3