a/n: I KNOW THAT YOU DONT BUT IF I ASK YOU IF YOU LOVE ME...
* * *
My eyes flutter open to see the sun beaming through the small cracks where the curtains meet. I wasn't sure what time it was, but it was late enough in the morning for the sun to be out.
Right away, I noticed the empty spot next to me, the spot where Harry held me to sleep last night.
Last night.
The memories from last night's events flood through my head. From my shower to my talk with Jess to my breakdown, it all came back to me at once. It caused pain in my heart to think about the way I felt last night.
I hugged the comforter close to my chest as I stared at the sun trying to part its way through the curtains. My eyes burned as I didn't blink for a moment, causing a singular tear to fall from my eye and onto the pillow beneath my head. The amount of guilt I had nestled into the pit of my stomach made me feel nauseous. And I felt like I was feeling everything all over again.
"Hey, are you okay?" I hear a voice say from behind me. It was Harry.
My hands quickly move up to my face to wipe away the tears leaking from my eye. I sat up from where I was laying down, resting my back against the headboard so I would be able to see him.
"Yeah." I force a smile, nodding as I laugh it off. "I'm fine."
"Don't do that." He shakes his head slowly. His eyes look to the ground as he takes a few steps closer to the bed.
I furrow my eyebrows in confusion, my head tilting to the side as he takes a seat on the edge of the bed. So far, yet still near me. Like he was trying to keep his distance but still be there.
"Don't fake it, L," he murmurs quietly, shaking his head again. "This isn't something you need to lie to me about. I mean, it's pretty obvious that you're not okay. So," He looks up so his eyes meet mine, "How do you really feel?"
"I feel..." I inhale a shaky breath, "like I'm falling apart."
I laugh nervously as I look up at him. His eyes were staring me down but in the very least intimidating way possible. It was comforting to know he was listening to me so intently. He wasn't giving me his opinion. He wasn't telling me I was being dramatic, he didn't even make me feel like I was. He just listened.
"I really wanna help Lili," he says under his breath, his eyes locking themselves on the floor beneath his feet. "I just...I don't know how. I want to help and I don't know how and it's seriously killing me."
"I'm sorry Harry, I don't even know what to do," I say to him, the cracks in my heart reopening as I speak. "It's been a long time since anything like this has happened to me and I don't know how to handle it. It's just so much."
He stares at the ground, eyes studying every detail of the carpet.
"Well what do you want from me?" He asks quietly with a clenched jaw. I don't think it came out how he meant it to, because it took me aback. He seemed irritated.
"What?" I ask, my voice small. My eyes never left his face, even after he turned his head to the side to finally look at me.
"What do you need from me?" He rephrased by changing only one word, making the entire tone of the sentence sound different. "I-It's killing me to see you like this and I feel like I'm doing nothing to help you. I'm just sitting back and watching you handle this by yourself. So I just need to know what I can do to help you through this. What do you need from me?"
"I don't know, Harry." I shake my head, feeling that familiar pressure behind my eyes. "I really don't know."
He sighs, his head dropping in defeat. His head shakes the smallest bit as he bites the inside of his cheek, staring down, obviously thinking. His eyes shift up to look at me first, then his head follows after, tilting up.
"Mum made breakfast," he changed the subject, the tone of his voice very bland. I couldn't tell what he was feeling, but he seemed angry.
Harry stands to his feet, looking away from me and now avoiding my gaze completely. He sauntered over to the open bedroom door, stopping once he reached the frame. He turns his head to the side, his back still facing me.
"It's there if you want it. I packed our stuff while you were asleep, and we're leaving in an hour," he says over his shoulder before walking through the door frame into the hallway.
I didn't say anything, I just watched him walk away. He seemed angry. Or annoyed. Or...well, I don't really know. All I knew was that he wasn't very pleased.
But I don't know what he expected me to say. I was just as lost as he was, so I'm not too sure what he wanted from me.
Despite how I felt like he was upset with me, I pushed the duvet off my legs before swinging them over to dangle off the edge of the bed. My toes touch the floor first, my heel following soon after as I push myself up off the bed, standing to my feet.
I followed in Harry's footsteps as I ventured out of the bedroom and out into the hallway. As I made my way toward the kitchen, I could hear the sound of dishes clanking together.
Following the sound, I finally made it to the kitchen where I saw Anne standing on her tiptoes, stacking plates into their rightful places in the cabinets. I took a look around, only to notice how Harry was nowhere to be seen.
"Where's Harry?" My eyes continued to scan the room in hopes of finding him.
"You just missed him." Anne closes the cabinet door, turning around to face me. "He just left for a walk."
"He went on a walk?" I ask.
I couldn't help but notice how he left so suddenly after our little banter. I feel really bad now. I wasn't trying to make him angry, I'm just as confused about everything as he is.
"He said he invited you." She furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. "Said you didn't want to go."
He lied to Anne. "Oh. Right." I nod, covering up for him. "I didn't know he had already left though."
"Oh, well alright." Anne shrugs it off like it was nothing. "There are pancakes over on the table if you'd like any."
"Thank you," I say, walking over to the table, taking a seat.
Did I really make him so mad that he had to go take a walk to cool down?
***
"Thank you so much mum," Harry says sincerely, hugging Anne with one arm as his other was busy holding his duffel bag.
"Oh, of course! You guys are welcome here anytime!" Anne dismisses, returning his embrace with both arms, hugging her son tightly.
They pull away from their hug and Anne immediately turns to me. She doesn't hesitate to extend both of her arms forward, gesturing to me for a hug.
I didn't waste any time setting my bag on the floor before stepping forward and accepting her embrace, wrapping my arms around her until my hands met her back. Anne isn't much taller than me, an inch or two taller at the very most, so my chin could easily rest on her shoulder as we hugged each other.
"Thank you so much," I say, but it came out a whole lot quieter than I meant for it to.
"Of course," Anne says in the same tone. "You'll always be welcome back."
My heart warmed at her statement as we pulled away from our embrace. I turn to Harry to see a small smile on his face, dimples on display. It was nice to see him smile after this morning.
"Here," he speaks up, reaching down by my feet to pick up my bag. "I'll go load up the car."
"Oh, let me help you," I say quickly, reaching down in an attempt to grab ahold of my bag before he gets the chance to. But, he was too far ahead of me and snatched it out of my way before I could even get to it.
Harry stands back up straight, now holding my bag and his bag in his hands. I shoot him a look of confusion, furrowing my eyebrows.
"I got it." He chuckles. "I'm gonna warm up the car too. You stay here."
And with that, he, skillfully, opens the front door, stepping outside into the cold February air. It was crazy to me how he did a full 180, his mood changing almost instantly. I'm definitely not complaining though. I'm glad he's in a happier mood.
"Oh!" Anne says quickly as if she just had a thought, my attention quickly jumping to be directed toward her. I raise my eyebrows as she grins widely, holding me by my forearms. "I almost forgot. You wait here."
My eyebrows now furrow as she lets go of my arms, stepping away. I watch as she walks away from me and down the short hallway before disappearing as she turns right at the end. The sound of her footsteps gets quieter and quieter until the sound eventually fades away completely, leaving me standing alone in the quiet house.
My hands tap the sides of my thighs as I wait patiently for her return. I almost thought about leaving and helping Harry outside, just so I wouldn't be standing here awkwardly by myself while I waited for her to come back. But, Anne told me to stay here, so that's what I was going to do.
As I wait, I turn my head to the right, seeing I had a clear view of the driveway out the window in the top center of the front door. I could see Harry loading the last duffle bag, his bag, and I watched as he stuffed it into the spacious trunk of his Range Rover. He pushes a button that lets the automatic trunk door down. He walks around to the left side of the vehicle, disappearing from my window view.
I turn my head to look down the hallway, now facing the opposite direction of the door, anticipating Anne's reentry. And after a few seconds of waiting, she's walking around the corner.
At first, I wondered why she left, and what she almost forgot. But then I saw the white paper in her hands.
"Here," she says once she was close enough to hold out the paper for me to take from her.
I looked at her for a split second with confusion written on my face, then my eyes moved to the paper. Timidly, I took the paper from her hands, now seeing that it was folded up.
Out of curiosity, I couldn't help but unfold the paper, thinking I had time to take a quick peek at it before Harry came back.
I was nervous to see what Anne had just given me, but I was far more curious than I was nervous. Slowly folding one flap over the other, I unfold, revealing the entirety of the paper.
My stomach dropped to the floor as I read the words at the top of the paper, written in pen.
Grandma Mary's Belgium Waffles
I didn't even read past those words before I looked over at Anne. My eyes were wide, and I felt shocked, remembering what Harry had said about this recipe.
Maybe she was giving it to me to give to Harry in case he ever forgot. He wasn't here, so that would make sense.
"Just in case you ever need it," Anne says with a shrug and a soft smile, nodding.
In case you ever need it. She was giving it to me.
I wasn't sure how to take it. I didn't want to overthink it, but how could I not? There are so many things this could mean, all on different ends of the spectrum.
"T-Thank you," I say, though I probably should've said something more thoughtful.
"Of course." She continues to smile as her eyes shift past my fast to look out the window behind me. As soon as she does so, I can't help but turn around, wondering what it was she was looking at.
Upon turning around, I see Harry only a few feet from the outside of the door, his breath visible in the cold air. He opens the door, stepping into the house.
"Are you ready to go?" He flashes me a soft smile.
"Uh, yeah." I nod, quickly folding up the waffle recipe before tucking it into my back pocket. As I do so, Harry steps forward, letting the door close behind him.
I watch as he wraps his arms around his mom one last time before we leave. He thanks her again before pulling away. I say thank you as well, feeling way too awkward to go into for a second hug.
Harry turns to me with a soft smile. My eyes followed his hand as he reached forward and placed it on mine, which were awkwardly intertwined together in front of me. He separated my hands and intertwined his fingers with mine on my left hand.
I switched my stare from his hand up to his eyes, only to see he was already looking down at me. He nods his head toward the door, his lips stretching into a smile. His hand pulls mine slightly, tugging gently on my arm.
I followed him to the door and the moment he opened the door, I turned back to Anne once more. I flashed her a quick goodbye smile as Harry led me out the door.
He directed me away from the house and to the car, which was already up and running. Once we were about two feet away from the passenger side, Harry let go of my hand, jogging ahead of me.
At first, I thought he was racing me to the car, but considering this wouldn't have been a fair game, and the fact that he opened the car door for me, that option was quickly ruled out.
"Thank you," I mutter to him quietly as I take my seat in the front seat of his black Range Rover. It amazed me how he never failed to open doors for me.
"Of course," he says quickly before shutting the door.
The car was warm inside, having had a few spare moments to heat up. London was pretty similar to Colorado when it came to the weather; cold, bland, and a whole lot of pollution.
As Harry walks around the front of the car, I finally take a moment to read the waffle recipe Anne gave me. I pulled the folded paper out of my pocket, unfolding it as Harry opened the driver's door, sitting down in his place.
I skimmed my eyes over the paper, only really wanting to get a general idea of the recipe. From my peripheral vision, I could see Harry putting on his seatbelt, which was my reminder to do the same.
I put the paper down on my lap so I could have access to both of my hands in order to put on my seatbelt. My hand blindly grabs the belt, pulling it in front of me.
"What's that?" Harry speaks up as I buckle the seatbelt.
Confused about what exactly he meant, I tilt my head up to look at him. His finger was pointing down toward my lap, and my brain immediately registered that he was referring to the paper.
I readjusted the seat belt so it laid comfortably against my torso before picking up the paper, smiling to myself.
"You're not gonna believe it," I begin to tell him as he changes the car's gear to reverse and begins backing out of the driveway. "Your mom gave me the waffle recipe."
Suddenly, the car comes to a quick halt, making me eternally grateful that I had my seat belt on. The stop was harsh enough to nearly give me whiplash.
"Harry!" I gasp, my heart rate quickening from the unexpected jump scare.
"Let me see that." Harry quickly reaches over and grabs the paper from my lap, taking his hands off the steering wheel so he could clench the paper as his eyes skimmed over the contents.
He stares at the paper for a moment, carefully reading over every word. He turns the paper around, checking the backside which was blank.
"Mum gave you this?" He clarifies, looking over at me. I nod, his eye contact making it hard for me to form proper words. "When?"
"Can you relax?" I say, reaching over and plucking the paper from his hands. "She gave it to me while you were loading the car."
"Did she...say anything about it? Like did she say anything when she gave it to you?" He asks, his eyes wide as I fold up the paper.
"She just gave it to me and said, "In case you ever need it,"" I told him with a shrug.
There was this look written on his face, and I couldn't tell if it was confusion or shock, or even a mixture of the two. And he didn't say anything else, he just stared at the paper. It wasn't even like he was reading the recipe anymore he was just...staring like he was deep in thought.
"Harry, are you okay?" I furrow my eyebrows. "Should she not have given it to me?"
"No, I'm just...surprised," he says dismissively, coming out of his trance, shaking his head in what seemed to be disbelief.
"I honestly was too when she handed it to me," I admit to him, looking out the windshield. "I remember you said it's-"
"A family recipe," Harry's quick to cut me off. He nods. "It is. She..." He lets out a single laugh, a smile spreading over his lips. "I can't believe she gave it to you."
I furrowed my eyebrows yet again, but I was afraid to ask any further questions. I took it as a good thing she gave it to me. And maybe it wasn't, but it made me feel better to think of it as an honorable thing.
Harry finally pulls the car out of the driveway, now driving on the suburban road of Anne's neighborhood. There was an odd silence between us; not totally awkward, but most definitely not comfortable.
Harry drove with his right hand on the wheel and his left resting against the car door, right where the window began. He seemed content, but I felt like I had to say something before the silence became unbearable.
"What time is your rehearsal?" I ask after another moment of silence, turning my head to look over at Harry.
I watched as Harry's once calm and content face changed into this mischievous, smirking expression.
"There is no rehearsal," he says bluntly, keeping his eyes locked on the road.
"No rehearsal?" I ask just to make sure I heard him right. He nods. "Did it get canceled?"
Harry laughs a deep chuckle, shaking his head and readjusting his posture in his seat. He turns to look at me briefly, eyeing me up and down before turning his head back to face the road.
"There never was a rehearsal. Well, not yet at least," he tells me. Then he looks over at me again, doing the exact same thing as before, but this time, he holds eye contact for a moment. "I just wanted to get you home."
The way he said that made me swallow harshly. The words themselves were sweet and normally would make my heart melt, but the way he asserted the words made me take it as a sexual remark.
Harry's eyes finally shifted away from me to focus on the road once more. He let out a heavy sigh.
"By the way," he begins, his facial expression completely changing, "I'm sorry about this morning. I'm just getting really frustrated with this whole thing. All I want is to help you and it's killing me that I can't. But nonetheless, I shouldn't have snapped at you."
"Harry, it's okay," I forgive him.
"No, L, it's not." He shakes his head vigorously, eyes still set on the road in front of us. "I know you're going through a lot right now and I shouldn't have taken my own frustrations out on you. That's not right."
I didn't say anything to that. I wasn't sure what I could say to make the situation any better. He was so stubborn that it seemed like there was no changing his mind. Ever.
But there was something else I needed clarity on.
"Harry, can I ask you a question?" I ask, looking down at my lap.
"Yeah, of course." He nods.
"Am I...stressing you out at all?" I felt stupid for even asking, but the little voice in the back of my mind continued to replay Jess and I's conversation from last night.
"What?" He begins to laugh like I had just told him a joke. "Stressing me out? Where did you get that idea?"
"I don't know, I just..." My fingers fidget with each other and I slowly begin picking at the skin around my nails. "I talked to Jess on the phone last night and she just kept talking, you know, as she does. And it seemed like the more she said, the more I began overthinking."
"Wait, so let me get this right. Jess said you're stressing me out," Harry says slowly, and I could suddenly feel the tension building. "Sorry, but what the fuck does Jess know?"
"Well, she didn't say it directly. We were just talking about the Brits and how stressful it may be normally. But when you add me into the mix, it may be...I don't know, double as stressful?" I honestly didn't even know what I was talking about. I just knew I was worried. "I just don't want to be an extra weight on your shoulders."
"I'm not even gonna lie to you." Harry shakes his head. "Yeah, it was stressful at first, getting you a seat and stuff, but that's all done and over with. Now all we have to worry about, for you at least, is wardrobe and transportation. And making sure you don't drink too much while we're there."
"They serve alcohol?" I raise my eyebrows. I'm not sure why I was surprised, I probably would have guessed that, since I doubt they let any kids into the event.
"Loads." He nods.
"Speaking of wardrobe though, have you talked to Harry recently?" I ask him anxiously.
I didn't like the outfits Harry L. had originally styled for me, and I asked Harry if he could talk to him about it and see if I could get anything...simpler.
"Yes, I did, actually," he says. "He wants to stop by sometime soon and bring over some more options."
"Couldn't I just wear something simple?" I ask, turning my head to look at Harry.
"Harry doesn't really do simple." He laughs. "But I'll talk to him. I'll have him find you like a white suit or something."
"Yes!" I gasp excitedly. "A white suit! That would be perfect!"
Harry chuckles once again. "A white suit it is then."
***