WE'D FINISHED AN entire flask by then. Or, well, she'd finished an entire flask by then. I'd drunk one cup and found it unbearable to have any more. I watched, quietly, as Yunhua sobbed, fists clenched.
"What are you upset about?"
"I don't know," Yunhua gritted out. "I don't know. What am I upset about? Maybe the fact that my husband shall be taking two wives on the day I marry him. How ridiculous I feel that I'd ever had any dream of a... a marriage with him that was just him and me, for just a little while, you know? That he might care for me in a way a husband is meant to care for a wife other than just as a political partnerâno, not even that, a political pawn."
"I thought you were alright with that."
"I did too."
"Oh."
She continued, "And now here's Murong, telling me I have another choice? Another choice? No, that was taken from me a long time ago. I am Shangguan Yunhua. I must marry the Crown Prince. I must marry him and become his wife and the next Empress or I shall be a failure, or I shall never live up to my family's expectations. Murong... he's too much of an idealist."
"I did not realise you were so close."
"I didn't either."
"Yunhua, things are already set in stone. It is too late to turn back now."
"I know," Yunhua told me, nodding. "I know. But I can still languish over it. You know. The things I shall never have."
"You shall have glory and power above all."
"And have to share it with Luo Xueying."
"It might be for the better. If not for Luo Xueying, the Shangguans would become a thorn in the eyes of the Emperor. This balances it all out."
"I have to serve the same husband as Luo Xueying."
"Most of us," I told her softly, "have to serve a husband with different women."
"It's unfair," Yunhua snarled. "It's unfair, that's what it is. You don't see a woman being able to have multiple husbands. What's the difference? If a woman is rich enough to have multiple husbands she should be allowed to take them. Or otherwise men should only have one wife. It is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous."
"We would not have Yunxuan otherwise."
"You think Yunxuan is happy, being born of a concubine? No matter what she does, how well she may perform, she will always be considered just a bit lesser than because she is only my half-sister. Look at Madam Fu. She locks herself away in her own court and refuses to see anyone. I think she's gone a little bit mad. Father married her for his own needs and then tosses her aside once she'd served her purpose. He never visits her now."
"It is the way of life."
"It shouldn't be."
She was not the first person to tell me these things now. Yunjun. Luo Xueying. Yunhua.
I agreed too, even if I kept telling her otherwise.
It was unfair.
But we could not do a single thing about it.
Not a single thing.
What were we, in the face of these things that were the norm of society? That were enforced by the laws?
What were a few girls' thoughts against the rest of the world? Was there even a single thing that we could do?
"I always thought, you know," Yunhua whispered, sprawled on her side of the day bed, "that I would be different. That I would be strong. That I would be able to do things that only men could. Yunjun's managing. Me? I'm just another sacrifice. Another chess piece in this game between men. I thought I was a master, but I'm nothing. I'm just an object."
"Don't say that," I snapped. "You are not an object. You are not a pawn to be sacrificed. If you keep thinking like that you shall become that. What happened to the usual Shangguan Yunhua?"
"She got crushed."
"Yunhua..."
"Reality finally hit her. Reminded her of her hubris and knocked down a couple notches. Reminded herself that she did not know as much as she likes to think she does.
"You're still the same girl, Yunhua. Don't let anything crush your ambitions. I believe you. Anything they can do, I believe you can do better. Stop drinking, damn it. Stop drinking. Stop. It's not going to help."
"It's already helping." She gave me a lopsided smile. "It's already working, Minxi."
"It's not a solution. Marry the Crown Prince, Yunhua, and do not let anything bring you down. Not Lord Huo. Not Miss Luo. Not the Crown Prince himself. Whatever you wanted to do before, continue doing it."
"It's impossible."
"No it's not."
"He doesn't love me, Minxi."
"You were the one who said love doesn't matter. And if you wanted love, if that was what you're after, you should have taken Lord Huo's offer and ran away with him. I'm sure we'd figure out a way to squeeze out of itâhave Yunjun take your place, maybe."
That scared a shiver out of her. "No. Yunjun would rather lop her own head off. She'd assassinate the Crown Prince on their wedding night."
"Precisely. So stop thinking about things that shall never be, that can never be, and think about what to do with yourself, Yunhua. You're a realist, I know you are. Don't get carried away by your own grief and languish."
"I'm trying."
"Try harder."
She poured the contents of her cup down her throat again, and this time I reached forward and grabbed the cup and the flask out of her hands, placing it behind me. Our servants had been dismissed long ago.
"I don't even know who I am anymore."
"You are Shangguan Yunhua. That is who you are. Never forget it. Yunhua... you cannot continue being like this."
"I know. But it's so hard."
I stayed there with her until the early hours of the morning, when she'd finally collapsed from exhaustion. I had her servants carry her to her bed, where she'd hopefully get a good night's rest before the day ahead tomorrow.
I stood, and Yan'er came with me as we moved through the darkness of Shangguan Manor until I was back in my court.
"A long day, Miss," Yan'er murmured, helping me undress.
I let out a long breath. "A long day indeed, Yan'er. And we shall have many of them ahead of us as well."
â
A FEW DAYS later, I was summoned alongside Chiqian back to the Imperial Palace. We arrived separately, but were arranged to wait together outside the Emperor's study as he finished up his business to receive us.
We only bowed to each other and shared a simple word of greeting, since the Emperor's eunuchs and royal guards stood besides us. We did not have to wait for long before an eunuchâthe one who'd read the royal writs days prior, called for us to come inside.
The Emperor sat behind his table, raising his gaze when we entered. Chiqian and I dropped to our knees. "We humbly greet the Emperor."
"Rise."
We both did.
The Emperor's eyes travelled to me, surveying me carefully. "Yes. I stand by what I said of you the day of the Bride Selection. A beautiful girl indeed. And I see you are wearing the jade bangle."
My hand moved towards the bangle, lightly giving it a tap before I replied, "Thank you, Your Imperial Majesty. As for the bracelet, it is a gift from the Imperial family and Duan shizi, I have not taken it off since the day of the Selection."
Well, part of it was because it was selected by Chiqian himself and was worth so much, but the other was because taking it off would seem disrespectful to the imperial family. Miss Luo had been wearing her hairpin around every day. I hadn't seen Qin Yue, but I was sure that she'd been carrying her jade ornament around as well. None of us would dare take it off in fear of causing offence. Far safer leaving it on.
"But I did not call you two here today to discuss these things. Chiqian is still young," the Emperor mused, "so I want him to do some more before he marries. I was thinking a stay at the borderlands would do very well. Serve in the army before you marry, you know. I know you are like your father and you don't like interfering in politics, but I do think it would be useful for you and your future."
"Everything is up to your orders, Your Imperial Majesty," Chiqian replied, dipping his head. "Your word is my command."
"My current idea," he mused, "is for you to head to the borderlands at the same time as the second Miss Shangguan. It is... unnatural, a girl fighting on the borderlands, but all the generals only have good words for her and I hate to waste talent. She leaves in a few weeks alongside some other soldiers and generals, and I think that would work well. You can return by the end of the year, hopefully in time for the New Year holidays. It will make you a manâI had to go to the borderlands when I was younger."
"It would be my honour to serve the Dan Dynasty and Your Imperial Majesty. And it is time for me to pull my weight, as a member of the Yuan family."
"I am very proud of the man you have become," the Emperor said with a small smile. "Now, Miss Fei, have you anything to say?"
"Your Imperial Majesty, I can only thank you for the great kindness you have shown me. I have no requests, only gratitude towards you."
"I have heard," he murmured, stroking his beard, "that your father has been a Junior Surveillance Commissioner in Henan for quite some time."
"Your Imperial Majesty, I know little of my father's work. He is a loyal, hardworking man who is pleased with his station, though he strives to improve." It was common for women to refrain from touching upon politics. The Emperor despised it when his concubines interfered with politicsâthis much was known, though he tolerated the Empress meddling once in a while. Though, from what I'd seen, it had never stopped anyone. The politics of the imperial court and the harem of the Emperor were closely linked, and one could not exist without the other.
"I think it would be good for him to be in Luoyang for your marriage. I think it is a good time for him to be promoted and move back into the capital, don't you agree?"
Immediately, I fell onto my knees, pressing my forehead onto the floor. "I can only thank you for your great kindness, Your Imperial Majesty. My father would be overjoyed to hear that Your Imperial Majesty places such importance on him." Flatter, flatter, flatter. This was the way with people like the Emperor. He was not someone I could use my smarts with, not someone I dared to trifle with. The best way was to praise him, to make myself as small as possible and praise every single thing he did. He might find it boring and tiresome, but he would not be offended by it.
"Rise, girl, rise." A pause. "Chiqian, what do you think?"
"Fei Yang has been in Henan for more than a decade. I'm sure he'd have many insights that he could share to aid our nation. But of course, sir, it is all up to your wise judgement in the end, for you know better than I ever shall."
"You," I'd returned to standing by now, and I could see a smile adorning the Emperor's face. It was not a kind smile, but one that suggested he knew more than he was letting on, and I knew that this must be true. He would not be alive otherwise. "I've always been very fond of you. I know you wish to be like your father, being so free and without burden and responsibility, but I think it would be better for all of us if you put in some effort and made yourself useful to the court."
"I only have a little bit of smarts that assist me in day-to-day life, I know very little of anything else, Your Imperial Majesty."
"You can always learn. And you are good friends with Yinqi, are you not?" Yinqi. That was the Crown Prince. The Emperor was hinting at something here, trying to form allyships. Not for himself, it seemed, but for his son. The Emperor continued, "He is doing well, but he could use some more help. You should spend more time with him."
"His Majesty is already surrounded by many intelligent advisors and wise men, I do not think I can provide much assistance to him that he has not already received."
"Nonsense. More is always better than less." The Emperor waved his hand in the air. "Think about it, I think. And Miss Fei is cousins with the eldest Miss Shangguan. Tell me, girl, are you close?"
"The Shangguan sisters have been nothing but kind and hospital to me. We may only be cousins, but I think we are as close as blood sisters at heart." The Emperor would like to hear that. People like him, deep in his heart, he'd crave normal family relations. Where power was not tucked into every word that was shared, where brother did not have to turn against brother for a chance to survive. And if he was trying to put Chiqian into the Crown Prince's camp, he'd want to hear that I was close with Yunhua, that I could pull relations to an even closer degree.
Like Yunhua and Luo Xueying had all sighed, we were all chess pieces in this game. And the way to not be sacrificed was by making ourselves useful.
The only useful thing about me was my relation to the Shangguans.
"That is good," the Emperor mused, "that is very good indeed. You should remain so close. Your cousin is a star among ladies her age. Such a sense of maturity and wisdom. It is why both the Empress and I agreed that she is the best choice for the Crown Princess Consort. She is like no other. The Grand Chancellor has done well with raising his girlsâall three are gems, and I hear his son is smart as well."
"My cousin Tianjin does not excel on the battlefield like his sister Yunjun, but he is precocious for his age and constantly seeking a way to make himself useful to your empire. What he lacks in talent, he makes up for with hard work." Praise, praise, praise. I could not say a single bad word of the Shangguans.
It was a bit stressful when I remembered that these meetings would only become more regular in the future. I would not meet the Emperor regularly, but I would most likely have many interactions with the Empress and the other high-ranking women of court. And with them, I constantly had to watch every word that left my mouth. My behaviour. My mannerisms. If I made a single mistake, I was not the only one who'd be punished. The Shangguans and Chiqian's entire family would be punished alongside me.
I could not make a single error. It could very much be the difference between life and death.
There was a saying, ban jun ru ban hu. Being companion to the Emperor was like being companion to a tiger.
I felt the pressure now in full swing, standing before him with Chiqian by my side. Did he feel the same stress? Or had he done this so many times that this was second nature for him?
Would this become second nature for me too? The thought was not comforting, but instead terrifying. What happened the day I no longer needed to even think before these flattering lies that were nothing like what I truly thought left my mouth without hesitance?
"The Grand Chancellor has raised good children indeed," the Emperor said with a small smile. "Shangguan Tianjin is still young, but I hope to see the day he shines in court. We are always welcoming to new talent."
"I thank Your Imperial Majesty on his behalf."
"What are your plans then, Chiqian? Will you live in your father's manor after your marriage, or will you buy a new manor outside to live in?"
"Your Imperial Majesty, it is up to Miss Fei in the end. Of course we could remain with my father and mother for the first while of our marriage, but afterwards, shall she wish to move out, I have a few properties within the city."
The Emperor nodded. "And Miss Fei?"
"Oh, Your Imperial Majesty, this is a big decision that I cannot say much about right now. We shall have to take into consideration the thoughts of Prince Duan and Princess Consort Duan as well."
"That is true. And you still have much time before you need to worry about such things." He let out a sigh, shaking his head. "Time passes so fast. It still feels like yesterday you and Yinqi were still little children. How old are you now? Eighteen?"
"Aye, Your Imperial Majesty. I just turned eighteen two months ago."
"And you, Miss Fei?"
"Your Imperial Majesty, I am fifteen and a half." It was difficult to believe sometimes, but my coming-of-age ceremony was six months ago. It felt far less than that.
"Fifteen and a half... a bit younger than the eldest Miss Shangguan, no?"
"Yes, Your Imperial Majesty. She is a year older."
"And Yinqi is one and twenty. It has been many years since I was that age, but I miss it ardently. One cannot do the things that they could at one and twenty at my age now."
"You are young in age yet, Your Imperial Majesty," Chiqian replied with utmost politeness, though we all knew that wasn't necessarily true. The Emperor was not ancient by any means, but he was far from the first blush of youth. He still seemed to be in good health though. I had never heard any reports of ill health regarding the Emperor.
"Ha! Well, but I'm not as young as I used to be." The Emperor looked pensive. "Oh well. I have no reason to keep you two here for so long. Bring the gifts."
Chiqian's gift was fairly small in sizeâa beautifully crafted sword. "I thought since you'd be on the battlefield soon, I might give you something more suitable."
Chiqian went on his knees. "Thank you, Your Imperial Majesty."
"As for Miss Fei... I heard that you're an excellent performer on the pipa and guzheng. I had this pipa prepared for my eldest daughterâ" that was the one born to Imperial Consort Qi "âbut she is not very fond of the instrument. It's a beautifully crafted pipa, I had it made by the finest masters. I thought I might give it to someone who'd appreciate it and put it to good use. Perhaps you'd play a piece for us someday."
"Your Imperial Majesty, I cannot thank you enough. I would love to perform for you someday, sir, though I fear my skill may not live up to your expectations."
"Nonsense. I have heard nothing but praise for your skills on the two instruments, and I am sure you are a master of both. They're both rather heavy gifts, so I will have the servants put them in your carriages. Rise now, both of you. Miss Fei, you ought to go pay the Empress a visit. You too, Chiqian, you know your royal aunt has always been very fond of you. And go visit the Empress Dowager too, before you go on your way."
"Of course, Your Imperial Majesty."
And with that, we were gracefully dismissed from His Imperial Majesty's presence.
guys i turn seventeen tmr wtf wtf wtf