Chapter 18 - Lich Who's Back

XENIXALA

Prime Witch Xenixala of Xendor, Mistress of The Wind, Dominator of the Halls of Hellfire and finalist at the West Trenton Fishing Competition grimaced at Felina’s headless corpse. It was slung over Edwardius’ mighty shoulders, while blood oozed down his armour, trickling all the way to his horse’s hooves. Edwardius sobbed gently, occasionally patting the body and muttering his apologies.

Xenixala pulled the reins of Death-Bringer, halting him as they came to the clearing. Finally, they’d made it. Time to put an end to his endless weeping. ‘Here we are Edwardius,’ she announced, floating down from her steed, Wordsworth tucked under her arm. ‘One Holy Mole temple, exactly where I said it would be.’ Actually a “locate holy” spell had done most of the work. She’d also done her best to take some detours. If they couldn’t resurrect the pixie she could have Edwardius all to herself. He’d get over it eventually and she could be his rebound.

The Holy Mole temple’s marble tower loomed before them, casting a mighty shadow across the forest clearing. The rest of the structure cascaded out from the base of the tower into uneven mounds, representing giant molehills. It was the second silliest religion she knew of, the first being “The Missing Sock Scriptures”.

Edwardius leapt down from his mount and hurried to the temple without even securing his horse, the lifeless pixie in his arms. Xenixala strode after him with limited enthusiasm.

A hooded priest greeted them inside the grand entrance hall. He stood with his hands tucked inside his drooping black sleeves, head bowed. ‘Welcome trav…’ He looked up, then shook his head, rustling his moleskin robe. ‘Oh, not more wretched adventurers. You’re here for that lich in the basement aren’t you?’

Edwardius and Xenixala exchanged looks.

‘No, good sir,’ Edwardius held up Felina’s limp frame. ‘I have a resurrection request, my dearest love has befallen a grave accident and I cannot go on witho…’

The priest raised a hand. ‘Easily done. Although I’m surprised you brought her whole corpse... a mere sample of blood would have sufficed.’

Xenixala felt vindicated. ‘I tried telling him, but he couldn’t bear to leave her.’ She gave Felina’s little body a prod. ‘Although I thought pixies couldn’t be resurrected?’ She’d never actually seen a resurrection, preferring to leave the carnage for other people to sort out. Most of her research involved finding the best way to kill someone, rather than the opposite, so she was still a little hazy on details.

‘Of course they can be, any sentient being can…’

Xenixala cut in. ‘It’s been two days, probably a bit stale now?’

‘Not at all,’ said the priest. ‘We can manage up to three weeks. But the longer you wait, the more damage to that person’s soul and, in turn, Experience.’

Xenixala cursed under her breath. She shouldn't have bothered getting her killed after all. ‘Alright then... any Elixirs for sale?’

‘We’re all out I’m afraid, we’ve had far too many adventurers coming through.’ He gestured to a large doorway. ‘Please, bring the body over to the resurrection altar. Follow me.’

He led them into a room with a low ceiling. There were no windows, instead, thousands of candles coated the floor, shimmering with an unnatural pulse.

‘Here we are,’ said the priest as they arrived at a large slab of marble. ‘Place the body on the altar, then insert the coins into the slot.’ He pointed to a tiny hole to the side. It had a sign next to it saying: “Please insert six-hundred gold coins - Property of The Doom Bank”.

‘Six-hundred gold coins?!’ Xenixala exclaimed.

‘Simple economics my dear.’ The priest grew a patronising grin. ‘If people are willing to pay it, that is the price.’

Edwardius had tears streaming down his face. ‘I will pay anything to have my love returned to me.’ He placed Felina on the altar, gave her a tender kiss on the hand, then removed his Sack of Clutching from his belt. He pulled gold coins from it and then slid them, one at a time into the slot, counting under his breath. ‘One, two, three, four…’

The priest raised his eyebrows to Xenixala. ‘See?’

Due to a mishap with a button and a few mixed up copper pieces, it took Edwardius ten minutes to count out all the coins.

The priest smiled as the altar began to hum. ‘She will be ready in exactly twenty-two hours. We offer dormitories for the night... for a price of course.’

Xenixala let out a long moan. ‘Urgh, we’ll be here forever. Is there a tavern nearby?’

‘Not for miles. Have you ever considered the path of patience and the Holy Mo...’

‘Quiet, mole man,’ Xenixala snapped. ‘Didn’t you mention a lich?’

The priest shuffled awkwardly. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

‘Spill the beans holy boy before I turn you into a weasel.’

‘If I could request to be a mole, actually that would…’

‘Not a mole. A weasel.’

‘Very well.’ The priest gulped. ‘We’ve had an issue with The Demi-Lich Kalakzar in our crypt. I thought I had dealt with the situation when I paid a handsome price to a pest control agent to remove him. Only to have some burly men in black leather and pink skulls force their way in with a new haunted coffin for Kalakzar. They threatened me, saying they’d, they’d…’ he bit his lip, trying to hold back tears, ‘Cut off my ears if I tried to get the lich removed again.’ The priest put his head in his hands. ‘What is a man to do? Why must I suffer such an endless stream of adventurers?’

Wordsworth flapped in Xenixala’s arms and looked up at her. ‘We might as well have a look. Could be fun? Better than moping around with this blubber guts for twenty-two hours.’

Xenixala watched the sobbing paladin wipe his tears onto Felina’s sleeve. This was her chance to get some alone time with him. Plus, as a lich was no walk in the park, there would actually be a chance to break a sweat. ‘Come on, Edwardius, how about a bit of adventuring to take your mind off things, loosen you up?’

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‘I shan’t rest until Felina is back by my side,’ Edwardius whimpered. ‘I cannot go on without her.’

Xenixala put a reassuring hand onto his back, feeling the smooth metal on her fingertips. Didn’t he ever get tired of lugging that stuff around all the time? It must have weighed a ton. ‘She’ll be right here. We’re only going downstairs. And besides, do you really want her coming back to life in a haunted Holy Temple ruined by evil…?’

Edwardius sniffled. ‘I suppose not.’

‘And don’t you love stopping evil?’

Edwardius smiled sheepishly. ‘I do rather enjoy banishing evil.’

‘Excellent, then let’s go downstairs and have some fun. You’ve done all you can for her now and you need a distraction.’

‘Oh… alright. But just for a little bit.’

‘We’ll be back here before you can say, Demi-Lich Kalakzar.’

Xenixala and Edwardius strode down the old stone steps and entered the domed chamber of the crypt. A thick layer of dust coated every surface. Lanterns shone on the stone coffins along the walls and the dead adventurers on the floor. What a bunch of amateurs.

Xenixala waved her hand to melt the mess of cobwebs from their path, her breath misting in the air. She cracked open an Elixir and finished it in two gulps. The warmth held the shakes at bay. It was almost her last one; hopefully there would be some more lying around. Elixirs somehow found their way into even the most ancient of tombs.

‘Are you sure about this Xeni?’ said Edwardius, his oversized sword at the ready. ‘Looks pretty empty to me. Perhaps that priest was lying?’

‘Nah, his tears were too pathetic. The biggest undead always hides in the fanciest coffin at the end.’ She pointed. ‘Probably that one.’

There was a sound of gushing air. The large coffin at the end of the room burst open and a skeletal form floated out. Blue smoke swirled around its ragged robes, it’s face a hollow skull beneath a rusted crown. It fixed its gaze upon the pair with eye sockets that betrayed no emotion and pointed a dagger at them with a boned hand.

Xenixala chuckled at the predictability. ‘See?’

A deep voice boomed through the chamber.

I AM THE LICH KALAKZAR! BOW DOWN BEFORE ME, PUNY MORTALS…

Wordsworth flipped open in Xenixala’s arms, skipping to page seventy-three: Undead preventions and anti-curses.

...AND PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM.

‘Begone evil spirit!’ Edwardius charged at the enemy, sword high, effortlessly leaping over the sea of victims on the ground.

FOR MANY YEARS I HAVE LAIN IN WAIT…

Xenixala read the incantation and blue flames ruptured from her hands. The ball of energy sailed across the room. The undead figure batted it away like a fly.

YOU DIDN’T LET ME FINISH MY SPEECH.

This might be harder than she thought. Xenixala smiled. Finally. She ran forward, casting a protection barrier. A wall of energy enveloped her just in time to deflect a bolt of lightning from the lich.

LET ME START OVER. I AM THE LICH KALAKZAR! BOW DOWN BEFORE, ME PUNY MORTALS…

Edwardius was upon him, swinging a graceful dance. The lich parried with his dagger and ducked the sword blows, joining the dance, his bared teeth twisted into a macabre grin.

AND PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM!

Xenixala’s heart raced. Nothing beat the thrill of the fight. Inches from death. The fear in your enemies eyes, the power, the blood. All condensed into one glorious moment.

‘Give me a bolster charm Xeni!’ Edwardius cried, dodging the lich’s dagger.

‘On it.’ Xenixala ran forward. She touched Edwardius’ armour and chanted ‘Protectus Armourus Veritus.’ It glowed red, shining bright in the gloom of the crypt.

Edwardius exploded in a frenzy of new found energy, forcing the lich to back away. He winked at Xenixala. ‘Thanks.’

‘Don’t mention it.’

The lich seemed distressed. He’d stopped his nattering and instead chanted a charging spell. They took longer to cast, but boy did they pack a punch.

Edwardius hadn’t noticed.

‘Get down!’ Xenixala jumped at Edwardius, pushing him out the way. They landed hard onto the floor, in time to see a wave of black energy scream overhead. She lay beside him, panting. Their eyes locked in the breathless moment.

It was time to take things up a notch.

Wordsworth chimed in, upturned on the flagstones. ‘Perhaps a page three-two-nine followed up with a connecting enchantment?’

‘You read my mind.’ Xenixala flicked her wrist, sending the world upside down. Everything flew to the ceiling, dust and bodies shattered against the stone. The lich tumbled upwards too, lost in the confusion. But Xenixala and Edwardius were prepared. Xenixala landed on her feet, running across the roof at the lich, she spun her arms, binding Edwardius to the enemy.

Gravity returned to normal, sending the room’s contents hurtling back down. Xenixala drew the lich towards Edwardius, their weights connected by her spell. The lich wailed with despair as they crashed together.

The dazed Edwardius steadied himself, then swung his mighty sword down onto the undead beast. It exploded into a white flame, its soul dissipating into the air with a gush of screams.

Then silence.

All that was left of the lich was a pile of dust and a rusty crown. The Experience tingled through her. More than she was expecting, but still only a measly increase in her power.

Edwardius embraced Xenixala. ‘Bravo! What a magnificent display. And a delicious bit of Experience too.’

Xenixala breathed in his sweaty after-battle musk. ‘See? Wasn’t that fun?’

‘I must admit it Xeni, vanquishing some evil did rather get my mind off… Felina. I feel much better now, thank you.’ He stared into her eyes for a moment too long.

That’s when she knew she had him. He didn’t stand a chance.

Xenixala stepped back and dusted herself down. ‘Now let’s smash open all these pots and coffins to see what we can loot.’

The pair arrived back at the temple’s entrance hall, bags packed with old swords, helms and an array of junk.

Xenixala smiled at the priest, who stopped in his tracks. ‘How much will you give for all this loot?’

The colour left the priest’s face. ‘That’s my stuff! Where did you get all that?’

‘In the crypt and a few of the boxes in the hallway. And down in the stores. Oh, and behind that secret wall that had a different shade of brick.’

The priest gawped over Xenixala’s shoulder, noticing the hole in the wall. Scorch marks surrounded the shattered bricks and debris. ‘That’s what that noise was?! It cost a fortune to brick that up!’

‘Well, you should have paid to get matching bricks, it was clearly hiding some goodies. Anyway, we want to sell it all to you.’ She dumped the junk at the priest’s feet and it clattered unceremoniously, scattering weapons and armour across the marble floor. ‘We can’t exactly carry it all around, my Sack of Clutching would be a total mess.’

The priest was lost for words. ‘But… they’re my things! You stole them from me! And now you’re selling them back?!’

‘They were left unattended.’ Xenixala grinned. ‘Simple economics. If people are willing to pay it, that is the price.’

The priest stood, trembling and red faced.

Edwardius stepped in. ‘Have no fear priest. We will put the proceeds to good use, our fight against evil. We will make the land a better place with your generous donation.’

The priest glared at Edwardius. ‘You think this is part of your holy oath paladin? Looting the temples you swore to protect?’ He spat at his feet. ‘You make me sick. All you adventurers are the same. You think hacking up monsters has anything to do with the Holy Mole?! It’s about love, peace and understanding for Mole’s sake!’

Edwardius furrowed his brow. ‘I don’t understand, is that a yes or a no?’

The priest grumbled. ‘What choice do I have?’ He sighed. ‘One copper piece per item. Final offer.’

Xenixala grinned. ‘Deal.’

The priest handed over the coins from his pouch, head bowed.

Edwardius beamed. ‘Thank you, priest. And cheer up, aren’t you happy we purged the evil from your holy sanctum?’

The priest looked like he was going to burst. ‘The lich isn’t dead, you oathless oaf!’ He yelled, throwing his arms out. ‘He regenerates as soon as anyone leaves the room. I’ll never be rid of him.’

‘You mean he’s not un-undead?’ Xenixala looked at Edwardius. ‘Are you thinking what I’m thinking?’

‘Unlimited Experience?’

‘Unlimited Experience.’ Xeni chugged down one of her newly acquired crypt Elixirs, it tasted weak and watery. ‘We’ve still got another twenty hours to burn in this dump. May as well spend it fighting.’ She cast the vial onto the pile of items on the floor, showering it with sticky glass.

‘Better, Xenixala. But still not good enough. Do it again. You will not rest until you have mastered this spell. Drink another poison.’

Edwardius smiled, his hand hovering over the hilt of his sword. ‘I do love a good bit of questing.’

Xenixala wiped her mouth as the warmth took her. ‘Me too. Now let’s show that boss who’s boss… again.’