*Fifty-Five*

Before I carry on I feel like I should make known that this story was always simply me relaying past events, events in which had occurred in Finn and mines unfortunate incongruous time spent together that we called a relationship

I don't mean to drag out this story or indulge in events that are irrelevant so I won't keep you for much longer, I'll try to wrap this up as quickly as possible without leaving out anything important

I wish I knew exactly where things went awry; I couldn't pinpoint an exact date on a timeline, because like most things, this was another one of those things I just didn't seem to know

The way I could describe it best was that one moment we were great and the next we weren't

We stopped being great when I deemed Finn not worth fighting for anymore

After Amanda's party things went on the same, Finn and I oblivious to everything around us besides each other's bodies, well me more than him, it was more than likely that any surface we had come across it was most probable that we had had sex on there. With where Finn and I stood In the drug selling industry I closed myself off to all of that, I tried to not be so judge-y but I think I had made it known that I was not appalled by the fact that my supposed lover had a warehouse filled with nothing but illegal means in it

So he stopped taking me, the drug runs became more of a solo thing for him

Besides all that a beautiful friendship had blossomed between Rue and me, Collin too if you will, it was sort of refreshing to have found friends again after Amanda

I had predicted that It would have been hard to trust after her, but it was like my heart hadn't learnt its lesson clearly enough yet, because there I found myself letting Collin and Rue in just like I had let Amanda in before

Sure I was wary, but the point was I had let them in which had left me again vulnerable to heartbreak

They were pretty cool and accepting of me and it was nice to have friends around especially now that mom and dad were pulling the reins of my independence again

It was sort of frustrating, but they seemed to tolerate each other which was odd as they had fought so ruthlessly for months, and then went to speaking to each other again

I was almost sure there fighting would have never seized, but here I was again wrong about something that I had been so sure of

I didn't feel as if although they were going to go back to the way they were, I mean dad still was not living with us, and I did still want things to go back to how they were prior to everything that had happened these last two years

But that seemed too big of a thing to wish for

Because of this, I was having to sneak out more than usual, I had told mom about the whole Amanda thing, well I had omitted certain truths.... who am I kidding most of the truths anyway, instead I settled on saying we had grown apart, I hadn't wanted to say anything at least not so soon but I had panicked when I saw Amanda's mom calling my mom one fine Sunday morning so I spilled before someone's story could contradict mine

I must add in the time I had spent with Finn his presence seemed to do that, I seemed to be more cautious and anxious about things I wouldn't have necessarily cared about before, I hated the constant guilt feeing, feeling guilty for doing things I hadn't done even

But I blamed that on the fact that if what I were doing was right or okay I wouldn't have felt this way at all, so me feeling like this was only an indication of how everything I was doing was totally wrong

Well sure it was fun while it lasted but not for the long run

I wanted a normal life, a normal boyfriend, in fact drugs did not amuse me that much like it appealed to others, I hated the smell it seemed to leave on you after, that smell that didn't just settle on your clothes but seemed to seep into your skin, and sure the first couple of times had been great but it didn't seem to pique my interest like it initially had, like I had gotten bored of it

I'm not going to pretend I'm a saint by saying I stopped because that wasn't at all the case, I hadn't stopped doing it completely, Instead I'd occasionally do it to humour Finn, but not because it was a joy

What I also noticed is that we seemed to fuel the bad parts of each other. Yes, we had met when we had both been going through things beyond us, and how we had interacted with each other in that period of time seemed to have settled because we were treating each other like that on a regular basis because it was familiar and normal, we didn't know how to be anyone else around each other

This was not ideal because I knew this wasn't the best version of me

I knew we weren't good for each other but for some reason staying in this toxic sort of entanglement seemed better than the opposite leaving Finn, so it didn't matter that Finn and I were two toxic substances I wouldn't leave

I didn't want to live like this of course, and every day I prayed for better

That we could somehow turn this around, somehow become good for one another,

But asking for this was like asking for a miracle

So slowly I pushed him away, he was relentless I expected nothing less after all he fought for all things that he shouldn't necessarily have fought for

It's like he fought for things that didn't want him

It seemed to be a core value of his

Trying his best to make things that didn't want him, want him

I was convinced this was a sport for him, a past time if you will

So I pushed and pushed and pushed until there was no more for me to push and he fought, fought and fought

I blamed everything I could blame, but he stayed like super glue, and I got used to him being there, I took advantage of it, knowing that he'd sort of always be there

It was then that I learnt that things that come easy we don't really appreciate

I got used to Finn always being around, always wanting to be around, and annoying as it was, for I was not used to so much smothering, but that seemed to be his love language: smothering

on the topic of love languages I'd say mine was to love of course, but love from a distance it was sweeter that way, I didn't believe you needed to be around the person 24/7 just to prove that you loved them, space was a good thing

I made lots of excuses trying to get out of hanging out with Finn saying how my parents would scold, Finn's counter move to that would be asking me if he should come over and ask dad to come in the house and take me out

Finn was too serious about this relationship that I knew would eventually come to an end

I was running out of excuses because his will to stay in my life was just that great it was defeating every obstacle I planted

Things started to seem dire the weeks leading up to the homecoming dance where I knew this couldn't go on for much longer, I'd be in a relationship with this person for practically two years, going into the 3rd one, and I couldn't bear to do this anymore, I couldn't grow if were to be stuck here in this sort of limbo forever I couldn't bear it

Because like all drug addicts, - well most of them anyway there came a time where they realized that their addiction was out of hand and they needed to put an end to it

It was a Thursday and mom wanted me to go dress shopping with her for a homecoming dress, I hadn't wanted to go to homecoming at all but Rue insisted I go, she complained I didn't spend any time with her which was true because Finn seemed to steal all of my free time, and Rue had been a massive help in helping me with everything aka supporting me, she honestly made me better, in such a way that when I was around her I was made aware of just how bad Finn was for my mental health

She didn't say anything because she was supportive and kind like that, but she cared for me and it hurt me to watch her try so hard to help me be a better version of me and here I was just throwing it all away

If I were really as serious about my future as I claimed I was, I needed to make these tough decisions

But like I said when it came to Finn, somehow I just couldn't do it

He had done a lot for me, and I had convinced myself that he needed me, and I knew by this time I was pretty much just leading him on and it was selfish but I didn't want to let go

I had kept everything silent when it came to my social life because Finn would make himself apart of it, Rue and him also didn't seem to see eye to eye, it's like they were always fighting for my affection, I felt bad because it was unfair to Rue, but Finn seemed to be taking without complaint

It was my plan to go with Rue to homecoming have fun with my friend, I didn't normally go to these dances, but I was going this night to spend time with Rue as I genuinely had fun with Rue, when I was round Rue everything was fun, I had never laughed as much as I had with anyone prior to Rue

But like I've mentioned before, Finn was relentless

It had come to his knowledge that I was dress hunting, and he asked me to my own school dance, a school that he didn't even go to, but a school dance that he wanted to attend due to me

I wanted to say no, but I had somehow convinced myself that he had been deprived of this experience and it was the least I could do for him, plus I had been planning on breaking up with him at the end of the year, so I'd give him the small pleasures for now

So I said yes, and had relayed this information to Rue feeling like I had just betrayed her, she was kind about it, like she was about everything else, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I had hurt her

I imagine how different life would have been if I had went with her that night, how different a lot of things would have been if hadn't gone back to Finn

So I instructed mom to drop me at Rue's house, I felt bad because not only was I not going with Rue but I was also using her by being here, so that mom would think I was going with Rue but instead I was just waiting for Finn to fetch me from there, but I had also convinced myself that I would make this all up to her

Oh how wrong I was about it all

From there Finn had picked me up, and I bit back on my tongue when I saw in the corner of my eye Collin give me this chilling disappointed look

That night Finn had looked so happy that in that moment all my trouble's seemed to fade away, because Finn's face and smile had made it worth it

We had danced the night away, I got high that night to numb everything out, and we fucked till my legs felt as if they could not hold my weight anymore

I must admit being high and fucking was a fabulous combination

The night was perfect, I ignored most of Finn's complaints and annoyingness for that night, I might have smoked too much that night but I didn't care I was on top of the world

Finn didn't seem to agree like he seemed to be doing a lot of disagreeing lately

He was always right and I was always wrong and he'd get angry when I didn't listen to him, it didn't matter if he was right I was just so stubborn that I didn't want him to be right so I disagreed with everything he agreed on

It was my way of coping with this relationship, which is why I said I blame our downfall on me, I called that time ; the era of starting fights, it was possibly the worst time in my relationship with Finn, where I knew I didn't want this, but I didn't want to do anything about it

Afterwards we had gone to a hotel that Finn had rented a suite for us for the night, mom and dad seemed to think that I was staying at Rue's house and would be returning home the following day which was why I went with him and got messed up

Finn got all hissy about it

I got annoyed so I started bringing up things that Finn was sensitive to, things that were totally uncalled for but I went at it, and for the grand finale I ended with the most sensitive topic

''You know you complain about so much, why don't you just leave, start over somewhere else far away from here''

'' I have too much to lose''

''Between your parents who don't love you to the siblings who seem to hide you away, to the drug entanglement you seem to have gotten yourself into, plus the life you lead is not an admirable one, - you have nothing going for you here''

He was undoubtedly hurt, but I hacked away like a monster

''Just leave start over, you'll be doing everyone a favour''

He didn't say anything and I felt myself feeling oddly satisfied, but then he did something so shocking

''I have you'' he whispered against my ear

I drew back; I could not fall into this again

''Go with me, we can go together, start over'' he asked practically begging

And I laughed, and mocked

Because no way in hell did I want to go with him, he was way to invested in this, so I did the only thing I sort of knew; I pulled the plug

''Are you serious? Why would you think I would ever want to go with you?''

Finn was silent

''Finn, I don't know what you think this is but it's not that serious''

''I don't believe you, you're trying to hurt me because you're scared of your emotions''

This infuriated me, the fact that he thought I was head over heels for him

''Are you in your right mind? Why on earth would I want to go anywhere with you? You must mistake me for a fool, I don't want to live a life like this, no future –''

I'm sure you can imagine how the rest of the night went, starting with Finn storming out, me broken and drunken on the floor, I called Rue to come and get me, but it was call-me-Collin who came, helping me into his mother's car, we said nothing we just sat in silence even though I knew he wanted to say: 'I told you so', he wanted to take me home, I asked if I could stay with them for the night, I guess the whole night hadn't been that big of a lie because I had ended up there anyway

I think that might have been the worst day of my life, I came home, and there was mom and dad angry as ever

They found my stash of drugs, lord know why they were scratching in my things, everything had come out, and they were disgusted in me, it didn't matter that I told them I wasn't doing it like other kids, so frequently – I disliked comparing, but here I was comparing to save my own ass.

I was getting into trouble for doing this when I had done it months ago, sure I'd done it last night but that was a completely a different thing, I had needed it to tolerate Finn, for if I were to spend so much time and not fight with him I'd need something to take the edge off

But I had fought with him anyway that night, so it had kind of defeated the purpose

Mom and dad didn't care about any of this, they only cared that I had disrespected them in their own home after they had done everything for me

Later on I'd found out, mom had been looking for a hair tie in my bedroom and found a Ziploc back filled with weed

They took away my internet and all electronic devices because apparently that was a privilege

I managed to get a message out to Finn right before telling him to stay away for a while as things were really hectic at home, the reason I had needed to tell him was because lord alone knew why, but he always came back

Like a boomerang

They blamed Rue and Collin for my behaviour, I took all the blame because of course Rue and Collin were the good ones in all of this, but mom and dad didn't seem to believe me for them it was the only reason why their daughter could be doing things like this: Peer pressure

I sort of understood as they didn't quite know about Finn, so I couldn't very well blame him now or bring him up because then it would seem almost convenient when mom and dad were pointing fingers at Rue and Collin and I only bring up Finn now

And admittedly I would've rather thrown Finn under the bus than Rue and Collin, which was messed up I know, so I did the only other option I had left took the blame as best as I could spinning half-truths all the way

I didn't want to lie but I had too many people to protect

This time I was definitely grounded for life, - well maybe not life but the end date of my punishment was indefinite, it relied purely on when they seized to be mad

During my time at home, I did nothing at all most of the time, my internet and any form of technology I once had possession of had been revoked.

And no internet or anything to entertain was like hell, not because I was obsessed with my phone or anything like that but because I really needed to talk to someone, anyone to stay mentally sane

And the one time I really needed to speak to someone I couldn't

Amanda invited me for a week away with her and a few of her other friends and mom said yes for me even though I didn't want to go

The fact that I had begged mom to let me sit this one out, seemed to make her want me to go even more than she did before

I spent a week away with fake girls who pretended to like me but we all knew i was an outsider and that was the real punishment

The thing is when I came back home, mom and dad were together again, dad didn't move in again I meant what I said that was the last day dad walked out on us out of that house, because we moved into another house

And once again we were one big fucking joke of a family

I hadn't seen Finn for a month because I hadn't exactly updated him on anything or informed him that the coast was clear and that we could see each other again, I might have missed him or missed the fact that he was usually around, so I didn't message as I was enjoying my liberty

I missed Rue a lot, all I wanted to do was speak to her, call her, I didn't much have time in classes to speak to her and book club was reserved for talking about books only and Rue would never bunk book club she loved it too much and neither did I want to make her leave it, so I abandoned the idea of talking to her at school

One month became two months where I didn't see Finn, and I wished It could have ended there,- in an alternate universe Finn had left town gotten a better life found a girlfriend that wanted to be with him, made up with his mother –maybe. Maybe this was pushing it, but either way none of these things happened