*Fifty-Two*

I didn't mind not seeing Finn for the remainder of the school holidays, it felt sort of good to get back in touch with my reality, the reality that used to consist of mundane things such as stationary shopping and preparation for the new school year

Admittedly going back to school was not one of those amazing things that seemed to happen to all the main characters of Disney movies, in fact it was nothing special at all, there was no delicious breakfast waiting for you when you bound out your room, you were most likely never late for your first day, how would one even accomplish that? Surely one would have put on a reminder or alarm for school. Teenager's lives weren't that eventful that they couldn't remember the first day of high school

If I were to be completely honest this day felt like all the previous first days I have had to experience in my short but eventful lifetime. And all those first days had been: totally normal and overall dull, -Which is why you can imagine how I was not exited in any way to go back

As I was still Emily Harrison your average introverted 16 year old who would soon be a junior at Crescent oaks high

Well at least that's what I had convinced my mind to believe, as if it were important for me to remember that; that I was no way different to the girl I was a year ago, even when that was the one thing I knew for sure was a lie

Mom dropped me off that morning, telling me she'd be there to come and get me when school dismissed; I prayed that it would hopefully be on time

And as I stepped foot onto school grounds I fought the urge to turn around and beg mom to take me back with her like a toddler who had never been to school before, but I hadn't done that of course, for I had vowed to make this year an exceptional year and make it so much better than the last

I admit walking in at that moment it seemed highly impossible based purely on the fact that someone had asked me to sell them some drugs in broad daylight

It was then where I had an epiphany, if people came to me drugs, asking me to sell them drugs that implied that they thought I had drugs on me or even that I was associated with the term drugs

Emily = drugs

This was unnerving and I knew I had to do something drastic to change this, I hadn't realized how serious my actions had been until then, until a said fellow junior approached me asking for some molly, it shocked me initially, like what did I look like? The type of person to flirt with the possibility of expulsion the way Finn flirted with the human female species

But besides all that, the one obvious fact why this year was so different from all the other years, was that for the first time since what seemed like the beginning of mankind I was not walking in with Amanda

I won't omit any truths, I did see her in the halls occasionally, and sometimes I did feel tempted to go and talk to her, it had been long enough that I had forgiven her for the betrayal, hardly forgotten, but I had eliminated all bad unresolved feelings I might've felt towards Amanda

It was sort of sad that we probably wouldn't ever catch up and talk about stupid insignificant crap like we used to, well i didn't know this for a fact, but based purely on the fact that I had no courage to go up to her and simply even say hi, I knew this ambition of mine was farfetched

So for now we settled on fleeing gazes exchanged in the hallways

I also observed the hand holding going on between her and Kevin; I assumed it was a sign of them being together

This year was going to be great I assured myself

I joined that stupid book club like Collin had recommended because I had nothing else to look forward to inside these school walls

I just thought; what's the harm, I was trying to turn my image around, and this might come as a shocker but years ago, I had enjoyed reading, so much so that when I was younger just barely stepping out of my toddler years, my passion for reading ran so deep that whenever I was in need of disciplining, mom would revoke my library card so that I may not be able to take out library books

My passion died when I came into custody of technology, where I'd replace the time I usually spent reading with scrolling on some social media platform

So this was a good time for me to revisit an old passion of mine, not only that but nothing screamed nerd more than a book club

And on my path of desperately trying to turn my image around, I'd take nerd any day over a drug dealer's girl, which was precisely why I strode courageously into the library during break with nothing else on my mind besides this club

At the back of the library there was some sort of extension room type of thing that I wasn't really sure who had furnished, not that I was complaining, it consisted of a decent space decked out with couches and a coffee machine that I predicted one of the book club member's had donated

There were more kids than I had expected at the designated space

Rue spotted me almost instantly and offered me a warm smile

''Hi Emily'' she greeted chirpily

I mumbled something inaudible back in response

Just like that, all my courage had evaporated

I nodded my greeting to the rest of the group, which seemed like a good move as they were all just staring at me

And me being me I stared right back unable to get my mouth to form any sort of sentence let alone a single word

A petite Korean girl spoke up, a girl that I'd learn later that her name was Tina

''Hi, the literature books are over there'' she said pointing to the bookshelf behind a girl with red hair

I looked to the bookshelf confused for a moment, Tina had thought I was here to get some books; I didn't blame her I didn't exactly offer any explanation

''oh no –''

Rue came to my rescue thankfully

''oh, uhh... I spoke to Emily about joining awhile back, said it'd be cool'' Rue added

And just like that the atmosphere changed around me from constrained to welcoming

''oh'' Tina said by way of response, getting up and closing the book that had lay in her lap

''Welcome'' she said smiling ''I'm Tina, and that is -'' she paused allowing the person who her gaze had fallen onto to introduce themselves

''Greg'' he said nodding at me

And so the rest of the room offered up their names like invitations in an anti –clockwise order

''I'm Emily'' I said once everyone had successfully presented their names

A girl buy the name of Julie scooted up on her couch, gesturing for me to take a seat

And just like that I was a member

We meet here thrice a week, every Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. I was thankful that I had not decided to come on Monday to check it out as I would have never known that they only met on certain days

We discussed everything and anything books, it was way more low-key than I had expected, to the point that it was actually pleasant attending these meetings, there was no leader or anything like that, but it was still pretty structured even though most of these people didn't know what they were doing.

We did a lot of creative writing, discussed books thoroughly of course, the books that we discussed were the ones chosen by members of the club, everyone had a chance to recommend, this also kept me on my toes because this forced me to be productive and read books instead of waste time on something else time-consuming

''So rules are rules, Emily gets her first pick to start off this year'' Tina said, looking to me encouragingly

I hated this so much; I could not think of any book, let alone a book on the spot, I couldn't even remember the last time I had read a book

''can I give my chance to someone else? '' I enquired innocently

''It doesn't work like that, - '' a boy by the name of Hugh began

''We haven't actually finished the book of last year, what was it called? ''– Rue interjected

''Remember Me- by Christopher Pike'' another person who's name I had already forgotten said

''We could finish that, and then Emily could choose next?'' Rue suggested and everyone nodded in agreement

At least now I had time to get a book

''Would I need to go buy this book?'' I asked

''Not necessarily, you could just give me your number and I could send you an Epub version of the book'' Rue proposed

I agreed, thanked her and promised to exchange numbers after the meeting was concluded

All things considered I seemed to be enjoying this book club, I spotted call-me-Collin as I exited the library, his eyes met mine briefly before he seemed to have some sort of realization when Rue came up to me holding a form

Call-me-Collin's face adopted such a wide smile; I was worried his face might stretch out and never go back to its un-stretched state

Rue handed me some forms to fill in as a formality she had instructed, which I'd have to fill in and complete mainly for security purposes, and that all these forms went back to the librarians just so that they knew which kids exactly were the ones who were awarded the privilege of getting to take out two more books than the average crescent oaks high school student

''Cool'' I had responded to this information that Rue had so enthusiastically shared with me

''So will I see you next week at club?'' she enquired

''Who knows'' I said shrugging not quite wanting to commit to anything yet

I hadn't known then that this had been the beginning of a friendship, or even that later that day I'd be offering her a lift home that afternoon

When mom had pulled up, I had ran over in advance to ask mom if it were cool if she gave Rue a ride

Mom nodded, I think mom was sort of glad that she met someone who wasn't Amanda, as I knew she still didn't believe the whole; Emily had become the type of girl who had more than one friend theory

We dropped Rue off and went straight home after that, mom asked me about grades, basic stuff and other normal things that parents seemed to care about

Looking back on it now, Oh how I wished I had known how this year would pan out beforehand, - but that's not the way life works. So for the first part of that year I through myself into my school work, my job, homework – any type of work basically, I read lots of books, and enjoyed it mind you

Somewhere in March Amanda and I were paired together for an English project by teacher's choice. Our English teacher Mrs Franklin grouped you purely based on your gender, so females with females and males with males.

No one knew why exactly Mrs Franklin was so against different genders mixing, even in class, all the boys were on the right side of the class and the girls on the left. Amanda had told me a year ago that she though Mrs Franklin was scared that someone was going to get pregnant and it would be her fault for failing not to supervise properly, yes this was something farfetched, but Amanda had a way of selling you the most absurdist of stories and you'd buy it with conviction

The weeks I was forced to spend with Amanda was enough time for me to make up with her, it wasn't as hard as I'd thought it be considering I spoke to her like normal avoiding confrontation at all cost even though all I had really wanted since the day of that specific party was answers, answers to why someone so close to me would want to hurt me like that

But Amanda offered nothing, and pretended like nothing was amiss, like nothing had ever happened

So I left it, let it eat me up and bother me, but that's what I'd have to live with.

I even went as far as trying to see it as a good thing, a blessing in disguise sort of thing, that now because of this little tiff I knew the type of person Amanda really was

But regardless of all that we worked it out and we were okay.

I stuck by my original declaration, that I wanted this year to be great, phenomenal, - spectacular even, I didn't think I got that, not even a close second, instead I'd gotten the polar opposite: a strange year

Finn also became more demanding, not in an abusive way, but in an annoying way, he always wanted to see more of me, like I had a life outside of spending time with him. I guess that wasn't enough of a reason for him because he was oh so very persistent

''I can't, I have school you know'' I reasoned with him

''Come on, just come out'' he said pleadingly

I hated it when he did that

''you know I can't'' I said exasperated, it was a school night and that might not have mattered to me a year ago, but it did now

I put down the phone, I couldn't deal with him right now, it seemed like we were fighting a lot, not so much him, but mostly me picking fights on him that I hoped would make him angry just so that he would leave me alone for a little bit

I wish I had taken that as a sign that this relationship was no good for me, and I needed to end it. Sure the sex was great, but I mean if you stay in a relationship for that reason alone how shallow must you be?

I didn't think I was staying for that reason, but neither did I know why I was choosing to stay, which seemed shallower

Finn took me somewhere for dinner one night, I was way underdressed due to him not telling me where we were going.

I'll be honest he cleant up sort of nice in a black long sleeved t-shirt, his hair sort of brushed and a black jeans, white sneakers and a tan suede jacket

I didn't want to compliment him, as I didn't want him to think this earned him some sort of points, so I ignored it like I did with most of the things when it came to him

''What are we doing here?'' I asked as some fancy looking waiter pulled out a chair for me

''Dinner'' Finn answered matter-of-factly

I looked around; it was no secret that we never did anything like this, so why now?

I didn't like what was happening here because I hated being in the unknown when it came to things that were out of my normal orbit

''What, can't I take my girl out?'' Finn said smiling, reaching for my hand

I let him hold it in his hand and squeeze it

What on earth were we doing here?

''We don't do things like this'' I observed aloud

''So why shouldn't we be able to do things like this'' He answered, his tone taking on a faint trace of annoyance

I shrugged ''it's not us'' I said

''Well maybe it should become us'' he stated, definitely offended

''What is us?'' I asked bitterly

Finn looked to me, hurt evident on his face and I'm sure you can guess what I did; I ignored it

Well not completely because I didn't cough up any snide remarks for the rest of the night

I should have known that this was not enough for my curiosity to be satisfied, that somewhere along the night it would take control and grab the steering wheel

''Why this place? –'' I began, Finn's eyes met mine briefly and I instantly retracted into my chair, deciding to soften up my question ''I mean not that it's not a very nice place or anything –''

He said nothing, just squeezed my leg and glanced back down at the menu

''Expensive too'' I muttered glancing at the menu

He took my hand ''can you not worry about that please'' Finn pleaded

''You could be saving this money'' I declared

''See, that's precisely my problem, the fact that you even thought of that'' Finn professed

''What else would I think of?''

The waiter came back with a little notebook and pen

''Can I take your orders''

''No'' we both said in unison involuntarily, the waiter looked startled, and scurried away without another word.

Eventually when Finn thought were ready he ushered the waiter over, the waiter looked to me first

''I'm not having anything'' I stated, the waiter not even trying to conceal the look of pure distaste he had seemed to have adopted

''Please'' Finn aid silently

I sighed

''fine, I'll have your cheapest thing''

The man frowned

Finn cut in, ''she'll have the chicken and mushroom Alfredo''

I could tell that was one of the more expensive dishes

I wanted to pretend to be angry, maybe protest by not eating it, but Finn knew I loved pasta and I wouldn't say no to it

I checked the price on the menu for a said specific Alfredo dish, and tried not to wince

I still wanted to know what the purpose of me being here was, despite Finn's obvious attempts at starting conversation with topics that didn't go back to the things we normally did

Don't get me wrong, the food was great, maybe overpriced but great

I decided to lay off the questions for a while, at least until a little bit later.

We were drinking our overpriced drinks when I brought it up again

''So will you ever tell me why you really brought me here?''

''Change of scenery'' he remarked smartly

''A change from what exactly? '' I began - ''and our previous scenery seemed fine, at least you didn't seem to mind it'' I said referring to the sex we'd been having more than occasionally

Finn ignored this

''Have you ever been on a date?'' he asked

I chewed my food first before answering

''No, why?'' I asked

Finn was quiet; I took another forkful of pasta, but stopped just before I put the forkful into my mouth

''oh, oh'' I said enthusiastically, realization hitting

This was a date

I nearly burst out laughing

''Finn we don't do things like this'' I assured

Finn might have been hurt by this, I didn't know

''What do we do? Go around town selling drugs''

''Yep pretty much'' I agreed

''Is that all our relationship is, nothing more than that?''

''Don't make me say it –'' I said mimicking embarrassment, he wasn't sharing my humour - ''the sex too of course''

''That's all?'' Finn asked, eyes daring me to say something more

''Finn I don't know what you want me to say'' I answered earnestly, afraid that he might get angry due to my ignorance

''Nothing'' he stated firmly

Too late

''You can't tell me you're mad about this?''

''I'm not mad'' Finn said folding his arms across his chest

''Uh, yeah you are''

He didn't respond, I took it he was upset

I wanted to make it right but I also sort of didn't have the energy to deal with 'problematic Finn'

''Thank you, for this'' I said hoping to lift the foul mood Finn was clearly in

Nothing, not even a blink

''We could've just stayed in, you know that, as long as I'm with you'' I carried on, and sort of wanted to throw up in my mouth when I said this because I wasn't this type of person

I had physically cringed when the words had left my mouth

I wouldn't have been surprised if Finn didn't believe a word what I had said

Regardless of what I was feeling in that moment, I knew it's what he needed to hear

''Plus this restaurant isn't that great, I can make these exact same things for free'' I added chirpily taking in another forkful of pasta

Finn laughed ''Sure'' He answered a faint smirk playing at his lips

And just like that all was right in the world

''I'm in this club at school – '' I began ''a book club'' I found myself confessing to Finn

''That's hot'' was his response

I rolled my eyes ''it's really not''

''Anyway were reading this book about a girl who dies unjustly, murdered, pushed off a balcony, - ''

''crazy''

I ignore him and carry on

''initially she doesn't know what's happening because it's like she's still there watching everything unfold around her but of course no one can see her, hear her or feel her because she's dead''

''So she's like some sort of ghost?''

''Precisely, so basically she has some unresolved issues linked to her death which is why she's still anchored to this life ''

A frown deepened on Finn's forehead as if deep in thought

''I know this is random, but I've thought about this previously, like prior to me reading this book, I would sit and wonder what happens after life when you're buried in the ground, like what's the process? '' I admitted, looking to Finn in case he had anything to add, he didn't take the queue so I continued

'' To be honest I don't believe the whole ghost theory, but like after you're dead is that really the end, you're just dead? Is that really it?''

Finn was silent momentarily

''Many religions have different beliefs and stuff, I guess'' he acknowledged

''And you, what do you believe?'' I asked

He shrugged, he did this when he wanted to talk but thought what he was about to say was not worth it

I urged him on, and he took the bait

''Well I thought it was dumb initially but my mom used to tell me that she imagined death similarly to being paralyzed, like you're there but out of reach with everything and everyone''

''So you're basically a ghost?'' I said

''No, nothing like that, more like your body is dead, but your soul still lives on, and your body and soul is linked''

''Okay, so you won't be roaming going around watching others, your body will almost serve as an anchor for your soul?''

''Something like that''

''That's sort of cool I guess, I'm not saying I agree entirely, but I'm not saying I'm against it, there's worse things to believe in'' I mused – ''I guess for me, I always thought death just meant the end, because then what about heaven and hell? Like do we go there? Or is it just another thing that's made up?''

''You ask me as if I have died'' Finn stated amused

I laughed thinking about the absurdity

''no, -

I stopped mid-sentence, when my eyes fell onto the dessert that was being brought to us

I didn't care anymore that the restaurant was ridiculously overpriced and dumb, we stayed and I sort of enjoyed myself, we didn't even go back later to his place to you know...... instead we stayed and talked

Yes talked