recently my mind seemed to frequently visit the memory of when I had met Finn for the first time, and I'd ask myself many rhetorical questions such as; if I had known then what I'd be getting myself into seven months deep, would I still have gone forward from there? Would I have done the things that I've done that have led me to where I am at this point in time? Would I even have this crazy relationship with Finn? Or even know these parts of Finn that seemed to have been hidden from the world?
But most of all, if I'd still be around even after what Finn had revealed to me?
honestly, I didn't want to stick around, call me a coward, but I was my father's child, and I didn't want this, I didn't want to go to prison, I didn't want to be linked to some crazy movie mafia shit. I didn't want to be one of the girls that had messed up her life for some stupid guy, the type of girl who threw away her beliefs, morals and core values which she had established for herself over time, because one guy showed her some attention. I wouldn't stoop that low, and I didn't feel like I needed to have him around, like I honestly didn't think I needed him in my life, and yes I don't think I wanted him to leave, I think I liked having him around, knowing that he had my back. This might make me sound so incredibly selfish, - and don't get me wrong I didn't need it; it was just nice knowing that I had that. But this was way too much, and I had begun to wonder if I had been entertaining this for too long.
Maybe that's where I had gone wrong, I had sort of entertained it from the beginning already, like I mean it's not like I've ever imagined Finn and I in the long run, introducing him to my family, and all that.
Initially I didn't even want to be associated with hi, purely for the reason of me not wanting to be labelled anything but; Emily
I knew this was totally wrong, the image was clearly painted in front of me in vibrant hues, but I chose to ignore, even though I knew I should have ended it right there saving both of us from so much future trauma and despair, but I didn't, because I hadn't wanted to. I knew it was selfish of me, but I didn't care, I valued the feeling of safety and comfort, and Finn was like a safety blanket.so I guess I was not willing to give that up; instead I chose to overlook some things instead
Even if it made me a hypocritical selfish bitch
Mom tapped my shoulder, jerking me out of my head
'Blue or red?'' she asked me, holding up two small different colours with the same pattern and design on them
I looked at them, I didn't like either, but I chose to not be a dick about it, I settled on the least ugliest of the two
''Sure it's cute' 'I said nonchalantly unaware of what mom had even asked me
We were out Christmas shopping, it was rather late for Christmas shopping, I had assumed we wouldn't be celebrating this year- I mean it wouldn't be a first time we didn't celebrate Christmas because of mom and dad not exactly on the best of terms, I guess this wasn't one of those time. I honestly had thought it was safe to assume after mom locked herself in her room the day we usually went out for our spree, which was usually the day after black Friday
So to say I was surprised when I saw mom exiting her room, her eyes a bit too puffy for my liking, and she was the most put together I'd ever seen her since everything with dad had started at least
So when mom had told me to get Matt as we were going shopping, it was quite a surprise to me
And even though this was the age of technology and you could pretty much buy everything online, it was mom Matt I's tradition since we were little to go to the stores on black Friday morning to do all our Christmas shopping
Well littler than we were anyway
I wasn't in the mood, even though a little Christmas spirit is exactly what I needed after everything this year had put me through
But for some reason I couldn't bring myself to be happy
so I stared at Christmas socks a little too long, and nodded my head absentmindedly when I saw mom looking at me for a bit too long, and occasionally picked up something so that mom would see I am sort of participating.
Eventually it was safe to say we had visited all the stores in the mall, and I still hadn't picked out anything yet, - well at least until we got to our last stop and I had no choice but to pick out something
Eventually I settled on a bath robe, chocolates, a few candles and a champagne glass set for mom, some headphones, a skateboard and sneakers for Matt, and a watch and pen for dad
We were at the checkout, when mom tried to start a conversation with me
''so....Who's that boy?''
I scoffed
I didn't have energy to stall and pretend to not know who she was talking about, and say things like: 'which boy?' and she'd be like that boy, - giving a somewhat vague description of Finn thinking I'd catch on immediately, and then I'd still act confused and ask her again who on earth she's talking about, and so on, until eventually it would have to come out where I'd offer information on him, and mom would nod her head enthusiastically, and we'd make it a whole discussion....
I cut to the chase
''Finn'' I stated affirmatively, trying to say it so sternly in an all 'end-of-the-matter type of way, because I didn't want this to become a conversation
Mom nodded
''Is he your boyfriend?''
I frowned and looked at her, honestly I never wanted to do this, this is going to sound kind of asshole-y but I didn't think I liked Finn enough to want go through that annoyingness of having to classify him as something other than a friend. I was tired of complications, but I was also tired of lies
''No....well, I don't know, but I don't really want to talk about it, I don't think I want to talk at all''
Mom nodded her head again, saying nothing
''at least not for now'' I added
''I understand'' Mom replied
''Are you happy?'' She asked, her voice betraying nothing
I sighed, and looked down
''I'm checking in'' Mom added hastily ''I know I haven't been doing that for a while
Not really doing anything for a while
I know I was being bitter, and I could try to be nicer to mom, but I wasn't ready to be nicer yet
I think I still had some underlying anger
But my mother was persistent, and if I didn't do this now, it would come up again
''Sure, mom''
'''just be smart please'' she told me
The nerve to give me advice right now
I didn't feel like fighting, so I stayed quiet
The cashier packed up, and I grabbed some bags off the table, mom reached down to help out, and took one of the bags from me
We walked to the car in silence, and I didn't mind
Mom unlocked the trunk of the car and set her bag inside
''What's he doing for Christmas?'' mom asked politely
''I don't know'' I answered truthfully
''Why don't you invite him over for Christmas?'' mom said so nonchalantly it worried me
I laughed, I couldn't help it, I couldn't tell if this was her way of trying to make up, or if she thought this was like some sort of bribe, or even if she thought she was a cool mom by letting me invite a boy over for Christmas
Mom's expression, stopped me
I raised an eyebrow at her, waiting for her to reiterate
''We can sit down with Finn, and have dinner'' She added
I imagined that, that sounded like a complete nightmare, plus Finn was not the boy I wanted to bring home to my family, or even the type of person I wanted to get my parent's approval on
I wanted him in my life, but not in my life- if that made sense. Call it commitment issues; call me an asshole, but I've had enough drama as far as teenage drama went to care about this as well
''I think he'll be busy on Christmas'' I added a bit too quickly
''Is that him talking or you?'' mom asked
I didn't answer
''Just invite him''
I nodded, but in my mind, I knew I'd never tell him any of this