*Thirty-Eight*

Everything was in motion for Thanksgiving, it was like a play had just been conducted, dad was back in the house, mom and dad had everything figured out except for sleeping in the same room

And for our silence Matt and I were spoilt immensely

I was also forced to spend time with mom, shopping and helping out at home, that type of thing, which meant I hadn't seen Finn since the night of the party

I still went to work, I needed some time away from home, but majority of my free time was spent at home

Finn had texted and called a few times, mostly because I didn't think I owed him that, and because I wasn't really sure what I was supposed to say to him.

Truthfully I was afraid the whole 'losing my virginity' thing, would change things between us, which is exactly what I didn't want, so I didn't answer

Until he called around on Saturday

I was in the car with mom, driving back from a Target spree

I still wasn't ready to pick up; I figured I'd see him around soon enough

Mom heard the vibration in my pocket

Because mom and I had been sitting in the car for minutes in silence, the vibration was loud

''Is that mine or yours?'' she asked, her eyes never leaving the road

I felt it of course

''Mine'' I muttered

The vibrating stopped, only to begin again

''Are you going to get that?'' she asked somewhat annoyed

Which annoyed me because it wasn't that big of a deal, why did a phone vibrating annoy her so much?

I shot her a look, she didn't notice

I picked up

''Where are you?'' it was Finn he sounded distressed

Well, I was distressed as well, and his tone was only increasing it

''Why?''

''Who is it?'' Mom asked

I shot her another look; it wasn't really any of her business

But she didn't notice

I held the phone closer to my ear, paranoid that she could hear it was a male voice

''A friend'' I said to her

Finn cleared his throat on the other end of the line

''Well I'm outside'' he stated

I was confused, and alarmed at the same time

''Outside? Outside where? -''

He had begun to say something, but I didn't let him finish

''Outside my house?'' I exclaimed

''Yeah'' he said confirming my doubts

''Why'' I asked nearly jumping out of my seat, mom looked at me, a frown visible on her forehead

''You weren't answering my messages'' Finn said as if this were a perfectly normal explanation for dropping by someone's house

I couldn't help myself; I wasn't ready for mom or anyone to know about Finn, it just didn't seem fair that he decided to just jump the gun

I wanted him to leave, I wanted him to leave now, and suddenly I wanted this god forsaken drive with my mother to carry on till then end of time

''Playing the clingy boyfriend does not suit you'' I retorted

Then instantly regretted my words when I saw mom looking at me in the rear-view mirror

I put down the phone, before Finn could answer

I hoped and prayed to any god out there for a Christmas miracle, specifically a miracle that included Finn being nowhere near my house when we pulled up

God how miserably wrong I was

Pulling up into the driveway, for a moment I didn't see anything, and I let out a breath I hadn't known I had been holding

And then I saw it

Parked behind the tree was the rover

I saw Finn sitting behind the steering wheel, but he didn't see me pull up, so he stayed in the car, I willed him to stay in the car and not get out, ever

Mom got out, and I followed hot on her trail, just wanting to get inside

I didn't see it, but I heard it: the sound of a car door opening and then being shut

Finn had begun making his way over

Fuck

I thought of what had happened the last time I saw him

What we had done specifically

I saw him walking over out of the corner of my eye, and I couldn't help but look properly, his head was bowed down watching his footsteps I gathered, his hands thrust into his pockets

I looked to his hands, and then to his pants area unintentionally, then looked quickly away and to his face

What the hell was wrong with me?

Mom spotted him, well more like she spotted me spotting him, and then she spotted him

I saw the distaste written all over her face

Oh, she had the nerve

She noticed me noticing

Mom adjusted her face quickly, hiding her distaste

And then she did something that surprised me, she put on her best face and her most cheerful tone

''Hi, you must be Emily's friend, I'm Emily's mom'' she said offering her hand

Any bystander would have thought my mom was being perfectly normal, maybe even friendly towards a person she just met

But I knew mom

And if she thought her spoiling and attempts to try talking to me, and now being nice to Finn even though she didn't approve of him, played some role in me being normal with her

Boy how wrong she would soon find out she was

I hated playing the angst-y teen

But I didn't want to forgive and forget, at least not yet

Mom being so nice was probably because she thought it would speed up the process of me forgiving her

I never said this, but I think mom had issues, I don't think she'd have done half the stupid things she had done if she didn't have

I didn't admit this much, because then it would make me feel guilty for not forgiving her.

I looked to mom and then Finn

Finn seemed out of place, like he didn't belong

In my head/world my parents and Finn didn't go together

''Hi, I'm Finn'' he answered nice enough, taking mom's hand and shaking it

I watched their exchange, and saw mom trying to read the tattoos on Finn's hands

This was a nightmare

''What you doing here?'' I asked Finn, cutting off the words that were about to leave moms mouth

''Emily! Don't be rude, your friend came to visit you, Finn is it? Mom asked directing this part of the question at Finn

Finn nodded in response

''Why don't you help bring in the groceries, and then Emily can pour you some drinks'' -

''Just no alcohol'' mom added trying to be funny and cool

I thought it was pathetic

''Were good mom'' I assured here

I wasn't even looking at mom; I was looking at Finn, whilst waiting for mom to leave us alone

Mom wasn't budging though

I sighed, and began taking bags out of the car, and hauling them inside

I didn't see, but Finn must've done the same, because I heard mom instructing him where to put it down

Once it was done, I took him by the wrist and pulled him up the stairs and into my room

Cutting right to it

''Okay, so I guess you can start explaining why in god's name you are here'' I said in a somewhat harsh whisper

He closed the door

I went over to the door and opened it again

''I prefer it open'' I said in way of explanation for what I just did, even though if I admitted I would've preferred the door closed as well

But I knew mom was lurking, and I didn't want her to assume anything about me and Finn

Even if her assumptions might've been correct

He sighed and shuffled uncomfortably

''Why didn't you tell me?'' Finn said, his voice so low, I had to lean I just to hear what he had said

''Tell you what?'' I said sitting down on my bed

Finn looked around, as if he was too scared to look at me, his eyes darted from my dresser, to my pale pink walls, then to my four poster bed

Suddenly I felt very self-conscious of my room

The picture of Amanda and me on my pedestal I turned upside down

This was torture

''About you ......''

''Now is not the time to be coy'' I said

I admit I was playing the bitch card again, but I hid my discomfort with sarcasm

And right now this whole situation was making me feel insanely uncomfortable

''About you being a....''

I had no idea what he was on about; it was almost like he was stalling

Until it clicked

- ''A virgin'' he finished

I stopped, stunned

This is what this was all about

''I thought you knew'' I said, feeling my brow crease

I think he knew this too, I don't know maybe he was hoping it wasn't true for some reason

Finn ran his hands through his hair

''Fuck it came out all wrong, I'm sorry'' he amended

I was still silent, trying to piece together exactly what was going on

''Sorry for – ''

I had never seen Finn so uncertain and at a loss for words than I did now

''For what happened'' Finn amended struggling to talk

''I hurt you in the worst way possible''

I frowned, I was confused,

Why was he sorry?

For the sex?

..............

Oh

- It could've only been that

''You didn't'' I assured him stepping closer carefully

Seeing him look so distraught hurt me

''Yes, I did, and I'm so unbelievably sorry'' he said raking his left hand through his hair

''sorry that I lost my virginity to you?' I stated, though it came out more as a question

''Sorry that it happened like that'' he reiterated

''I'm not mad, it was nothing really'' I said assuring him, if this was what this whole unnecessary fiasco was about

I had imagined many scenarios where Finn and I would finally come face to face after what happened, but it was never anything like this

''Em, I was a dick, I was drunk for Christ sake'' he said his voice sounded as if it were pleading me to be angry at him or something

But I wasn't

''And, it's fine'' I finished

''You don't get it, - you don't- '' Finn stuttered

''You didn't consent to it Em, I forced myself on you'' he said the words tumbling out so fast, it took me a while to piece it together

''I get it, and I did'' I assured him

''Saying No, isn't consent'' he argued

What was he trying to do? Change my mind?

''I changed my mind after'' I replied smartly

He ran his hand through his hair more violently than the last time

''I keep fucking this up'' Finn muttered annoyed at himself

''Finn, its fine, really, I didn't know it meant that much to you''

He ignored my wit

''I'm so, so sorry'' he repeated

Why on earth? It was no big deal

''You have nothing to be sorry for'' I insisted

''I don't know, I wanted it to be special, - nothing like what happened'' he said softly, sitting next to me on the bed

''Your first time isn't supposed to be special or amazing, I'm not mad'' I assured him

I could tell he wasn't convinced, and he still felt bad

''It's done, I'm not mad''

''Fuck Emily, I'm trying to do this right for you'' he said

''I didn't ask'' I stated

''Can you stop being so damn stubborn for like one second''?

I stayed quiet

''I don't know how else to say this-''

He was quiet, but he didn't seem done, so I let him finish

He looked at me for the first time since he got there

''I can't stop thinking about you or about how I'm constantly messing things up, the one-time I don't fucking want to''

His earnest-y, killed me

I moved closer to him, moving his face and planted my lips firmly on his

I might've never admitted it, but I think it was then I knew I was falling for him