With everything else falling apart, it was almost convenient for thanksgiving to arrive
Thanksgiving had always been pleasant, filled with happy memories, Grandma and Pop coming down to spend time with us until Christmas, mom preparing the most crazy feast, going to all the shops and buying a ridiculous amount of Christmas decorations, dad going tree hunting, and Matthew and I helping out.
Because mom and dad fought frequently, it wasn't the first time that we'd be having thanksgiving at an awkward time.
Usually how we got through it, was that mom and dad would put on their happy faces, and we'd pretend we were the ideal family
Usually I didn't mind this, because although it was all pretend, I had some of the best times of my life
I was a bit sceptical about this year, as mom and dad had crossed many lines in the few previous months, lines I thought that had caused enough damage to cripple our regular festive season traditions
Despite all that, this year I didn't want to pretend that everything was going great
But like it happened every year, where Thanksgiving seemed to arrive sooner than later, this year Thanksgiving arrived like an unannounced visitor, who we all weren't ready for
I admit the most chaotic were the weeks leading up to this auspicious event
It started when Grandma called around, asking how we were, and what she should make for thanksgiving dinner, you know the regular type of thing,
Dad had been at home for some reason, when mom picked up the phone.
Dad froze when he heard mom address Grandma
Dad knew it was his mother, because she was the only grandparent that called around.
The reason why moms parents didn't phone around, because mom had told them not to
I remember we used to go every Saturday for lunch at moms parents' house, dad never came along
He was always busy
Until I heard mom and dad yelling at each other after we got back from lunch one day, and mom crying in the basement for three days.
I had asked mom why we never went anymore, she never told me, but I suspected it was dads fault; he never liked mom's parents.
So when Grandma called, dad lunged for the phone, yanking it out of mom's hand, and greeting his mother in the sweetest tone I've ever heard him use
Mom pretended to be busy, but I could tell by the way she was staring at certain things for too long, that she was listening in on dad and Grandmas conversation.
Admittedly so was I
After the call was over, he hung the phone back on its hook, and then dad glanced from mom to me
It took me a second to realise that dad wanted me to get out of the kitchen so he could have some privacy with mom
I got up slowly, so slowly, I didn't really want to leave mom alone with him, as I still replayed the moment he had hit mom in my head far too many times to be healthy
I looked at mom before stepping out, but she looked away as if she was afraid to look at me
This time I left them alone and I didn't bother to eavesdrop.
I wish I had though
Because after that it was like mom and dad had been in some type of silent agreement for Thanksgiving, where they were almost normal with each other around company, but the second whoever it was out of the room, they were back to being their normal morbid selves.
Don't get me wrong, even when anyone was around mom and dad, - anyone that wasn't me or Matthew, you could feel the tension in the air, it swallowed you whole, I guess it was hard to pretend you were in love and happy with your husband of 19 years, when you were utterly disgusted in who the other person had become.
But I guess thought of how ashamed they might potentially be, overruled their hate for each other. Therefore mom and dad went back to pretending their marriage was all love and fresh air
This upset me majorly
It upset me even more that there was nothing that I could actually do.
So I stayed out more, and was pleased at mom's displeasure
Call it rebellion if you will
Matt and I had grown distant too, it was no news, I was barely at home anymore, and I guess spending time with Finn had taken its toll.
Finn fetched me from work a few days later, and I had innocently asked him what he was doing for thanksgiving, thinking it was a harmless question, and I may have wanted to be distracted by the things that were going on at home
Boy how wrong I was about it being a harmless question
I saw him retract, and tense up
''Spend time with your mom, dad, Cecily and Dave maybe?
He scoffed at this, but didn't answer
I thought it was because he had some problems with them, but who didn't?
I didn't think it was anything worth killing someone over, so I pushed on
I also figured this was one of the things I'd have to drag out of Finn
''Okay, how did you spend last year thanksgiving?'' I asked, awarding myself with this question, as it sounded like a smart move
''In prison'' he stated blatantly
I nearly choked on my own spit, I turned to face him, his eyes were glued to the road, I didn't doubt that he had spent thanksgiving night in prison''
''Okay, don't do that again'' I said silently pleading
I did wonder why Finn had spent the night in prison, to be accurate, I was itching to know, but I figured now was not the right time
''What about the thanksgiving before that?''
''Wasted'' he answered without a flinch
''Okay.... then I think going to your parents will be the best out of the two options'' I stated affirmatively
I figured it was worth it, maybe he just had some bad blood with his parents, but that could be fixed no doubt, it was thanksgiving after all
Finn said nothing
''Well I don't know how my thanksgiving will pan out this year'' I said to no one in particular
He frowned
''Why?'' he asked surprising me
''With everything that has been going on, I have low expectations'' I answered honestly
''Want me to come'' Finn asked
So far there had been a few times that Finn shocked me out of my wits. This was one of those times.
I had no idea how to respond
''Aren't you going to your fokes'' I asked jerkily
He frowned
''I never said I was'' Finn stated so brusquely, that I flinched, drying up all traces of curiosity I had left in me.
I thought about it, the waters were rocky at home, plus I had never bought a guy home in my entire lifetime, how would my family react? And didn't you only bring people home when it was serious.
It didn't feel serious between us; at least I didn't feel serious about him
Bottom line: I didn't want him to come
I didn't know how to tell Finn this, without it coming out as rude
''It'll suck'' I settled on saying, hoping this new tactic might work
Finn shrugged
''I'll pop around''
Shit
Under no circumstance could that happen
''You don't have to'' I said, silently praying to god that Finn changed his mind about showing up at my house on Thanksgiving
''I wouldn't want to be anywhere else'' He assured me, squeezing my knee
Shit
I panicked
I blame what I did next on sheer panic
'''Jesus, what for'' I said, meaning for it to sound jokey, and maybe make him reconsider
He stopped and looked at me, almost crestfallen, I don't know, Finn made me confused majority of the time
''You could've just said you didn't want me there'' he looked at me so insouciantly, I could tell I had messed up
It was one of Finn's many traits; to cover up his hurt with nonchalance
I needed to fix this
''It's not that, really, you wouldn't understand''
- I stopped, no matter what I said would not be able to fix what I had said, without accidently inviting him over for Thanksgiving
And I couldn't let that happen, no matter what
''Sure'' he answered brushing me off
I felt my heart sink