*Thirty*

October was by far the worst

Dad and mom were not even living together but they were fighting more frequently than ever.

I stayed in my room, and smoked till the room was fogged up. I was done caring because they were being immature and childish; it was like a battle on who could be more spiteful in the least amount of time.

It was tiring, and i never thought I'd say this, but i wished they could just get divorced, - if it meant an end to all the sleepless nights

I guess I was praying for something to change

But it didn't, and I was growing more afraid that it might never.

As a result of this, i was always frustrated, always unnecessarily rude, always doing things i probably shouldn't have been doing.

Of course this was also affecting the people I interacted with mostly

Which was: Amanda

She said she didn't like the person I was becoming.

I didn't blame her; I probably wouldn't like me either

What I did blame her was for the hurt she left me feeling afterwards.

it had upset me more than I'd care to admit how she reacted, because i knew she was judging, and although I've never been one to compare when it came to Amanda and I

I did then

Only because when Amanda did bad shit i respected her decisions even if I didn't necessarily agree with it, because I respected her.

I make a couple of bad choices and I'm labelled the devil.

She also blamed Finn for a lot of it as well.

And when I told her that wasn't fair, she told me I needed to stop protecting him.

I swear I wasn't, it had never been about him.

I was changing, I had feelings, things in my life were changing, how was i supposed to react?

Finn being in the picture wasn't a cause of my life changing; Finn being in the picture was an effect of the many causes that had begun moulding my life into a new shape

__________________________________________

Finn and I had settled into the weirdest of patterns, it was rhythmic but also spontaneous.

We frequently went to this specific open field that looked like there had been some type of building structure a while back, but now all that was left, was a step, a few pillars, and thick grass and flowers growing in-between.

I suspected there was a reason why we came here a lot, there couldn't not be one, Finn did almost nothing without cause

I just hadn't figured the ideal way to ask about it yet.

Most afternoons we'd lie in the grass and soak up the sun. - No, it wasn't romantic or anything, it was just comforting.

This Sunday Finn was exceptionally quiet, I could tell there was something on his mind by the way he kept on stroking the grass so gently in one moment, then in another, he'd intertwine his fingers with the grass, only to rip them out from the ground

I turned to face him, lying on my side and resting my hand underneath my head for support

''Let's play a game'' I suggested closing my eyes as tightly as possible, kind of afraid at what his response would be

He turned to me, my hand now in his reach, he begun tracing the lines across my palm which sent tiny jolts through my body

''What do you have in mind'' he said devilishly

I ignored the flirtatious lilt

''How about two truths and a lie''

He didn't answer

''Is this your way of getting me to tell you my secrets''

I shrugged, playing it cool

''Maybe I just want to get to know you'' I answered smartly

''Maybe you know too much already'' Finn answered moving closer until he rested his hand on the side of my waist, his face nearing mine.

Just the nearness of him made me dizzy and unable to think clearly

Finn leaned in and kissed me, the sweetest, softest kiss that it nearly drove me mad, I wanted to melt into him, I wanted a lot of things, but this was Finn's tactic, when things got to crazy, deflect it with charm and seduction

I drew back and put two fingers on his lips

''Okay I'll start; my name is Emily, I have brown hair and I'm a gymnast''

Finn groaned and rolled back onto his backside

''You drive me crazy Harrison'' he stated, smiling up at the sky

Satisfied I sat up and crossed my legs

''C'mon I'm waiting''

He got up as well humouring me and mirrored my movement by sitting in the same position I had adopted

Finn took a deep breath as if he was about to answer, and then blew it all out again, like a balloon deflating

I looked at him expectantly; I wasn't going to let this go, eventually with enough patience Finn would cave in.

''I'm Finn, I don't have teeth, and Emily has the hottest ass''

''The game is called two truths and a lie, not two lies and a truth'' I retorted

'' Well - '' he began

I knew what he was trying, admirable as it was, I knew then, that I needed to try harder

''Let's go again'' I cut him off

He didn't look happy about it, but he didn't look angry either

''I have one sibling, I have a pet racoon, and I like pizza''

I looked to Finn, he looked uneasy for a moment almost uncomfortable, this almost never happened.

I didn't take my eyes off him; he noticed and spoke up again

''I don't like the taste of orange juice, I'm wearing a white shirt, and I haven, -'' he stopped

''This is dumb'' he groaned

I said nothing.

The amount of time I spent with Finn also meant that I learnt a lot about him in the past few months, like; when he didn't know how to deal with something he blamed it on anything else but himself.

For example this game, Finn wasn't good at talking, talking about normal things, excluding flirting, dirty talking, and exploiting people; he generally didn't know how to keep conversation.

Oh, he was good with people don't get me wrong, but when it came to discussing the tiniest detail about himself, he got uncomfortable.

And although Finn had played it so smooth, and blamed the game for his inability to state another truth,

I also knew that Finn had trust issues, not just with me, with people in general, and he always tried to answer without actually answering anything, which was smart actually

It left you knowing a lot, but also knowing nothing at the same time

I lay back on the soft bed of grass, folding my arms across my chest,

''The game is not dumb, you, thinking you someone who is not afflicted by emotions is dumb'' I heard myself saying so softly that it sounded like a caress

Finn scoffed

I heard shuffling besides me, and a shadow passing over me, I didn't have to look to know that he had lay back down too

''Let's try again, I'll go first, my -'' mid-sentence, Finn cut me off

''Don't you fucking stop?'' he asked, his tone chilling to the bone

I felt a sharp shock pass through my body from the intensity of what he had just said, my heart hammering consistently in my chest.

I breathed in and out calming my heart beat; truthfully i had gotten the fright of my life.

But he didn't know that

''Not until you start'' I shot back, no way was I letting him win

He didn't respond

''Why do we come here? For starters'' I asked pushing my luck

''I didn't know you had a problem with it, Jesus'' he spat

''I don't have a problem, answer the question'' I said, matching his tone

''Would you want to go somewhere else? Christ, you could've just said something'' he ran a hand through his hair so violently, I was scared he might've ripped hair out

''I said I didn't have a problem, now can you please answer my question?''

''I don't fucking know, okay!'' He snapped

I handled this outburst better

I didn't move, I stayed still, I even willed my breathing to quiet down

''I don't know anymore, -'' his voice grew more distant, sounding almost wounded. - '' I've been doing it for so long now, to spite her''

I was treading on precious ground here, I didn't dare ask who the 'her 'was

Finn laughed bitterly

''God, how stupid can you be, I think at first, it was because I thought she would look for me here''

Finn was clenching his fists by his side, he was looking in the distance like he was out of it and even though I could feel my curiosity basically bursting through the seams, I bit down on my tongue as hard as I could

The moment passed, and it seemed as if Finn snapped out of it, his eyes flitting around the space

That moment had passed just as quickly as it had started

In that moment, he looked at me in a way I could never explain

A look so vulnerable, I thought about it for days.

It hadn't mattered that we went for ice cream after that, or that we might've made out so passionately that my lips felt swollen and bruised

it didn't matter that I had never been more confused about anything else in my life more than I had then

All that I could think about for the next week straight was how horribly wrong Finn and I were for each other's lives right now, but at the same time we were exactly what each other needed.