''Don't you think you going to fast with Finn?'' Amanda asked twirling the loose strand of her hair that escaped her bun
''No'' I answered truthfully, my forehead creased in a frown. I said nothing, urging Amanda with my mind to elaborate on her previous statement
Thankfully she did
''Well just think about it, you've known him the total of four months and you guys are like an official couple
No, we weren't, but no matter how many times i told her this Amanda refused to believe me.
yes maybe I have been spending a lot of time with him recently, but that didn't mean we were a couple, in fact it never actually felt like we were in a relationship.
And I know me saying that it didn't feel like a relationship, would imply that I knew what a relationship felt like
I didn't/don't, but just because I haven't been in a relationship before it didn't mean that I didn't know what emotions felt like.
In fact I drew up this specific conclusion because of what my emotions felt like, and none of them were screaming: relationship
So what did I think a relationship felt like?
A brand new emotion, something I've never felt before.
Being with Finn didn't feel like that, it just felt like we were in some unspoken agreement, that we didn't do 'boyfriend /girlfriend 'things we just made out like thrice in total, and smoked a hell of lot together, and maybe spending some time together- but again, not like going on dates and doing girlfriend/boyfriend 'things.
it annoyed me that Amanda was saying things like this, but not enough that i felt like explaining enough times to her until she got it that it wasn't really like that.
''It's just that I love and care about you, and I don't want you to get hurt''
I scoffed involuntary
Amanda shot me a sour look
''Well stop worrying; really, there are better things to worry about like world peace and a new president maybe''
Amanda shot me daggers
''That's not what I mean and you know it''
I jumped onto her bed and fluffed a pillow under my head
''Okay Amanda tell me what it is that's bothering you?''
''I don't know,'' she whined, as if her not knowing the answer was my fault - ''you just seem different lately, that's all''
I frowned
''Different how?'' I said my interest suddenly piqued
She shrugged
''Oh, just forget it''
I groaned ''Amanda seriously, just teeeell me''
Amanda went silent, probably contemplating whether or not to tell me
I guess she decided on the latter
''Don't take this the wrong way, but like you seem... I don't know..... Less happy''
I couldn't hide my distaste at this
''Less happy?'' I asked, my face portraying everything I was feeling
''See I knew you'd take it the wrong way'' Amanda exclaimed
I shot back
''Well I'm not in control of my emotions, so excuse me if -''
''Just forget it, I shouldn't have said anything'' she snapped
___________________________________
The rest of the night I didn't speak that much, I was too much in my head to think about anything else.
Truthfully, Amanda hadn't been the first person who had said something along those lines to me, - about my emotions not being intact.
And although it didn't feel like I was mentally unstable or anything, some people clearly thought otherwise
When all I was actually doing was; responding to how I felt.
Like when something was bothering me I got sad, when something was going good, I was happy. - that was acting based on how I was feeling, and when you don't feel the way that specific person wants you to feel, all of a sudden you having emotions or feelings is a problem.
I remember a lot of people used to say things to me like: I was always a happy kid - and ''you were so happy and friendly'' or '' you used to talk to everyone'' and ''everyone loved you''
What bothered me the most about this, is that people were thinking I Chose to be like this
Yes, you are in control of what you do today, the actions you perform, the words that leave your mouth - but you are not in control your life
I know that doesn't make sense
But that's just the way it is
We are the characters in the book, of our own stories
But we never created the stories
We are living the lives that were created for us
And as soon as we realise that - everything becomes so much easier
Yes, I'm one of those people who haven't accepted it yet.
But that's okay because everyone preaches what they don't practise
And the things we practise we don't preach
But that's also okay - I'm not preach- shaming anyone
Otherwise if we did it the other way people would give us advice like; ''judge others and have no compassion towards them, their privacy and secrets, - and when someone slips and something comes out about them, leaving them in the light judge them and be disgusted at them, and ignore the fact that you do the exact same thing, - and that the only difference between you and that person is that they've accepted it, and you are in denial, lying to yourself''
''Tell the lie and protect yourself instead of owning up''
And that the girl who married her cousin is 'gross' but you who thinks your uncle is crazy sexy - there is nothing wrong with you''
Instead of
''Conceal others flaws''
And
''Tell the truth even if it hurts''- and so on
Dad used to joke a lot about how ''he wonders where it went wrong'' or ''what happened' sometimes even ''can we get the old Emily back'' - basically saying that they don't want the person they see, they want the version they thought was the better you
You want to know how to make someone feel shit about themselves in two seconds, rat one of those lines off for effective results
I don't know what people expect, we are living in a dimension thriving on change and time; how the earth turns, how continents are floating further away, how we have seasons
In fact someone told me this once
He said we are beings of change - like look where we came from, from a sperm fertilizing an egg, to a new-born barely able to speak and scratch their own foot
To a toddler, and how every second we are changing
Into a toddler
Then into a tween
Adolescence, teenage-hood - adulthood
We are constantly changing until we die.
Wanting something in the past
Is like wanting the seed you've planted and watered every day, to not grow
It's unfair to the order of things and to the object/person
That's another thing about change
We can change certain things, but others we can't.
Because we were created in a dimension of change it is impossible for us to change everything
Change occurs to us, in us and from us - knowingly and unknowingly
Whether we like it or not
I hated people for telling me that.
Also with us humans, change happens; it's a routine of cause and effect
We know the steps; we don't always choose to remember them
Say we had sex and now we have a child
You took on the responsibility if owning a dog and now you have to clean up after him
She has a father who has anger issues and no patience
All she knows is to be angry with the world
She was bullied and used by so many people
And now all she knows is to let people walk over her and treat her the way they want to
She was touched without her permission, and now she thinks it's right
Her mother deceives others
She tells people stories that aren't true
But we blame her
We say we miss the person she used to be.
And yes we choose the people we are today, and we pretend to be something were not - you know the tem - 'fake it till you make it'
But with enough pushing, her true colours will come out.
And they say we need to fix the root of the problem, because remember cause and effect
But where's the root
The people who abused her mother that left her with trauma? Or the people who hurt them?
And the father that was riddled with anger and made her father feel so insignificant?
To what end
We are actually capable of changing nothing
To what extent to we have to go back and try fixing the damage.
Instead all we have is the choice that lies in front of us.
Are we going to have chicken or fish for supper?
Are we going to keep her secret or reveal it to the person she didn't want to know
Our lives are just series of choices, we base ourselves on the amount of good we do compare to the bad, or the bad compared to the good.
I guess what I'm trying to say, is that everyone is so concerned with the other person, that they forgot what has been staring right back from the mirror. The mother want's to fix the child, but she's been depriving the child of basic emotional needs.
I heard once that your child is a reflection of what is important to you
We can't change the way the world goes round
We try to fix the things we are incapable of changing
But the things we can we ignore