Running was the only thing I was good at. - well that and being a lazy anti-social fuck up.
Running away from problems, people, emotions, feelings, the truth, opinions, being responsible, - even insecurities. Because running meant moving away from the thing you were supposed to be facing.
A synonym for running away (according to Google) is; avoiding.
I didn't avoid, I simply walked in the other direction of the thing I wasn't quite ready to face yet.
Okay maybe I was avoiding.
There was one thing I didn't necessarily run away from, instead I ran for: which was; the track team.
And I loved it.
My head was always in the game, my footfall and the beating of my heart beat in unison like drums.
I liked the feeling of the wind against my face, or when my feet went to fast and it felt as though I would fall if I stopped.
When I ran it was like I was flying, I saw everything happening around me and not to me
But most of all when I ran I was the person I liked being.
I was one of the fastest on the track team, coach said I could do better if I put in more effort, time and dedication, - that I might even get a scholarship to university.
But I didn't want that, I didn't want a scholarship, I didn't want to do races, I didn't want to have to run. I wanted to run because I liked doing it, not because it was my job or my free ride to university.
I only had practise on Friday, entirely for the reason that during the week, there were a lot more people attending practise than on a Friday, as it wasn't just track practice, - everything that could possibly be practised was practised every day at the same time after school.
I didn't know why exactly. But almost no one attended on a Friday,
Not that I minded.
Coming to a stop to re-freshen myself, my eyes sought out Amanda's,
then landed on the blonde girl with the brightest neon green tube top I've ever seen, sitting on the bleachers, checking her reflection in a tiny compact mirror.
Amanda hated these things, even when I ran races she tried to avoid this as best as possible.
But these last few days Amanda had been stuck to my side like a third nipple. -After our chat in the bathroom precisely. I suspected it was because she was afraid of missing out on whatever was happening in my life
Which as hardly anything, but Amanda didn't seem to share my beliefs on this matter.
It was suffocating
Even when I went to the restroom, I'd come out to see her washing her hands, or fixing her reflection in the mirrors.
Even right now; she was sitting in the hot sun, at the very top row, sweating her ass off, - I assumed, judging by how she occasionally wiped at her forehead.
As if on cue Amanda caught me staring at her, and quit frowning at the sun and plastered a jolly smile on her face
I gave her a wave acknowledging her.
I also suspected the reason why she was so persistent on spending as much time with me because she was afraid of missing out on anything.
And by anything I meant - Finn.
I really didn't know what she was expecting, - a miracle maybe? Finn to just drop out of the sky.
And I for sure was not going back there, I was sick of being the apple of everyone's eye.
It did nothing but fuel my anxiety
I shook my head just thinking of the trouble I'd be asking for by going back there.
Yesterday one of the juniors; Delilah Reid, - Had asked me if I was fucking Dave's brother, and I nearly spat the contents of my cherry slushy in her face
I was dumbfounded, my brain had to piece together who Dave was first.
''Dave doesn't - '' I stopped myself
Finn, - of course
Why would she ask me something like that, and expect me to answer.
I stayed silent, and involuntarily gave her a funny look
Delilah mistook my silence for the wrong answer, and her face distorted ever so slightly, like a transformer transforming.
Only this transformer, transformed into the evil transformer instead of the Auto-bots
An Evil-bot
''That's disgusting, you whore'' she said scrunching up her face, like I was physically the most disgusting thing she could've laid eyes on.
And what she said that day, was what had been repeating itself over in my head, - like a stuck record player;
You're disgusting
You're disgusting
You're disgusting.
''My mom said she's here already, she's ready for us when we're ready for her'' Amanda called out breaking my trance
''Yeah I'm nearly done'' I answered barely looking at her
She nodded her head, and fell back in her seat which I could imagine was scalding from the sun's harsh rays.
''You okay for another few laps?'' I asked
''Yeah, I'm down'' she said brightly
Boy was she lying
I nodded, eyebrows raised.
Setting my bottle of water down, I got ready for another lap.
I would want to do more, but that would be unfair to Amanda, even if she did insist in sitting through everything she said - and I quote - '' I don't mind waiting Em, I have nothing else to do''
But when I had barely done four laps Amanda had started to question me on how long practice usually takes, and I took it as a sign.
I decided against pushing another few laps- entirely for Amanda's sake.
''Mandy lets head out'' I said and let out a sigh
Amanda shot up so fast from the seat, I swear she almost fell. She clambered down the rows, and picked up my duffel bag on her way down, handing it to me
I took it from her.
''wanna head to mine? "She asked, her hand shielding her face from the sun, so she could see my face
I bit my lip
Truthfully this question took me off guard, I had just been planning on going home, - maybe try cleaning up, maybe try salvaging my family from the mess we had landed in.
" uh, I - "
"Or we could go to yours" Amanda added hastily
Worse idea
I slung the duffel bag over my shoulder and began walking in the direction of the parking lot, Amanda caught up to my side, I could feel her eyes boring into the side of my head waiting for my answer
I thought about the situation at home
"I don't think that's a good idea" I said pouting
At my words Amanda spun around and started walking backwards so that she could face me.
She frowned at my response. - This was never how it went;-we always hung out, even when it wasn't a good idea.
"What's up? Are you angry at me or something?" Amanda asked, her voice slightly uneven
"No, it's just......" I started, - but then stopped, not really sure if I was ready to bring up one of the many things I seemed to be avoiding lately
And then I decided I'd been keeping this in a while now, and I didn't want to anymore
"I think my parents are getting a divorce" I said; to no one specifically, it seemed
Amanda stopped abruptly in her tracks
"Well shit"
I didn't meet her gaze
"Do you think it's serious?"
My mouth dropped to the ground
Well this is what I pictured happening when Amanda said this
But judging from her expression I would guess that my face was as neutral as ever
"Define serious?" I added slowly
She shrugged
"I'm just saying, parents fight all the time it could be nothing, your parents always work it out, don't stress about it"
I recoiled
Was she serious right now?
I regretted telling her in that moment more than ever.
Even though it felt like I shouldn't have, - she was my best friend for Christ sake, wasn't I supposed to feel like I could tell her this.
And although she wasn't wrong about my parents working it out, Amanda has known me for most of my life, which meant she also knew that my parents were superb actors, who; fought a lot, acted as if we were the perfect ideal family, and eventually worked it all out - and then repeat.
But I swear this time felt different.
I read somewhere that some people underestimate their strength while others over estimate;-
There is never an equal balance.
And sometimes we bottle things up thinking it will protect us from the unknown, and we think it won't affect us
But it does
It affects us in the worst way
It affects our conscious
And our conscious affects our minds
our mind affects our emotions, reactions and interactions with others. And others are affected by how we act. And the more we try to keep it in, the more self-harm we afflict, which results in us acting like a human version of a ticking time bomb
"Let's just rain-check" I said instead
Amanda nods silently in agreement, I can't tell if she's disappointed or not, because we get to the parking lot
We spot Amanda's mom before she spots us, she is talking animatedly on the phone
And all is forgotten as we head to the car
But then something else catches my eye
I blink just to make sure I'm not seeing things
A miracle if I'll be damned
I almost laugh
It's Finn's jeep, - and next to it; is Finn.
I stare, for maybe a little too long, and Amanda notices too, I'm unable to decide what look Amanda has on her face, because Finn notices in that moment as well.
Our gazes lock, for the briefest of moments, - thoughts of what happened at the back of the Cafe that day comes rushing back to me
Shit
I look away, but not before stealing another glance
He has that stupid smirk on his face, like he knows exactly what I'm thinking about.
I don't want him to know that the thought of the kiss still makes me tingly, or how embarrassed I am because of how I responded to the kiss. - I didn't know where these thoughts were suddenly coming from. I just knew that I wanted him to know that he didn't make me weak
I mustered up, the most smirk-ish like look I could muster, and shot back.
I notice the two cheerleaders walking away from him, zipping their purses shut
I don't have to guess to know what he is doing here. My guess is; he is dealing
I also notice Amanda watching my every move like an eagle watches its prey
Sigh
My guess is she thinks he is here for me
"What's he doing here?" Amanda asks, her voice betraying nothing
I shrug, I wasn't interested in what he was doing here, and neither was I interested in telling her what I think he might be doing here, - afraid it might only increase Amanda's obsession with Finn Windel.
Amanda was a sucker for bad boys, and unfortunately Finn met every condition on her list. I walked faster to the car, hasty to get out of here. Amanda didn't budge; she was rooted to the spot like an old tree
I groaned inwardly
Finn had begun walking in our direction; eyes trained on me.
I had two options:
1) I could make a run for it to the car. But that would also mean that Finn would know that what happened had affected me, I was also scared Amanda's mom would see him. - I'm not exactly sure for what reason, I just knew I didn't want any more people that saw Finn and me - not even necessarily together) - have more things to say about me,- than Finn
And Mandy's parents were like parental figures to me as well, And Finn was the type of kid parent's dread having their kids around.
I know this sounds bad, like I'm embarrassed of a friend
But I honestly didn't want any more drama
Option 2):
I could stand my ground, and probably have the whole school stare at me for the next week, - at least.
I knew the parking lot was fairly empty, but after doing a quick scan, I decided it wasn't empty enough. What did I expect there was a dealer on hand at a local high school.
I tugged Amanda's sleeve as a last resort
I could still get out of here
Amanda shot me a look, disapproving - maybe
And then we were face to face
Just looking at him made the color rise in my cheeks, I pictured myself; red as a tomato through his eyes
And Finn's stupid smirk wasn't helping in any way
''Hey'' Finn greeted playfully
"Hey" is what I managed to get out
''Haven't seen you around?'' he stated mockingly, as if he knew exactly why
''Didn't know you so desperately wanted to see me'' I replied meeting his eyes for a split second, - only to mentally kick myself afterwards; for not having the balls to dare to meet his eyes full on
The corner of his lip twitched
"You going to introduce me to your friend Em?" Amanda said, and I ignored the flirty tone she had suddenly adopted.
Biting the inside of my lip I turned to Amanda, - She wasn't looking. The look on her face confirmed what I knew; that she knew exactly who he was
I suspected Finn knew this too
I shot her a look anyway
"Amanda this is Finn, Finn- Amanda"
He nodded, sending a wink Amanda's way.
And the moment passed, just like that
''Didn't expect to see you here'' Finn added, not looking at anyone in particular, but addressing me
"Me either" I answered smartly
I knew he wasn't talking about seeing me at school, he knew full well I attended Crescent High. He meant seeing me here during practice hours.
"That's a cool tattoo" Amanda said pointing to his forearm, totally licking his asshole
I almost face palmed myself, she was basically wet for Finn already
''Anyway we better get going "I said glaring at Amanda -
Before this spiraled out of control,
She didn't notice
"Go where?" I thought you said you weren't doing anything" Amanda said so tauntingly, - it was almost bitchy.
I didn't know what she was playing at anymore.
Finn smirked finding this all amusing
"I'm heading to Dave's" Amanda stated, peeking up at Finn from under her long lashes
Finn nodded.
I could practically see the coils working in Amanda's head.
"Well I'm heading home" I informed Amanda saltily. ''I'll see you tomorrow'' I added before making my way to Amanda's mom's car
"Let me Give you a ride" I heard him call behind me
Thanks, but no thanks
He was beside me in the next second
Amanda didn't look pleased
"I'm heading that way'' He justified to Amanda, - almost apologetically
Almost
Oh, he was playing
"It's fine" I said, one hundred percent faking nonchalance
"I'm going with Amanda's mom, I wouldn't want to inconvenience you and your schedule" I added slyly
Two could play
"No it's really no bother, plus Amanda is going to Dave's, you'd be inconveniencing Amanda's mom here''
I wanted to die
I really didn't want this, this was a bad idea, look at what all had happened - what was still happening.
I met his eyes evenly, all traces of playful banter gone now
"What are you playing at? I asked earnestly
I didn't want this. - I reminded myself
"Nothing, '' - he began faking sincerity- '' just offering a cute girl a ride"
Always the flirt
I glanced around and saw one of the girls on the swim team glaring at me
It took Finn less than a moment to slip his arm around my waist and steer me to his jeep.
And I let him
Fuck