It didn't take long for the whole world to find out about mine and Finn's kiss.
It also didn't take a genius to piece together that Sheri told.
Everyone had something to say, and something to grumble,
It was kind of frustrating.
And I felt sorry for every other girl Finn had ever been with. - even seen with) - wondering if this is what they had to deal with? This only made me regret what I had done even more
Yes, I regretted it, I really did.
But then why Had I lay in bed that night, tracing my fingertips over my lips, remembering Finn had kissed them not too long ago.
I hadn't seen him for a week now, I guess I was too scared of how things would be, but that didn't mean I could get him out of my head. Wasn't this exactly what I didn't want?
Monday morning Amanda had come up to me, and then dragged me to the restrooms in fourth period - no one really went to the rest room that period for some reason.
''20 minutes, tell me everything - Go'' she ordered
And I pretended to not know what she was on about, - because for the first time in weeks, I didn't feel like talking about it
''Have you been living some double life or something?'' she asked
I smiled sheepishly
''I feel like those people who are victims of their best friend's suicides - ''
Huh
''What are you talking about?'' I asked frowning in genuine puzzlement
''You know how they have those stories in the paper about how the friends claim they never saw it coming, - and how it just happened, and I always thought that was complete bulls- ''
''Mandy, I'm not going to kill myself -'' I cut in, interrupting her blatantly
''Yeah, of course you not going to'' - she brushed off my remark and carried on -''But like I didn't know about any of this, when I'm supposed to know'' Amanda exclaimed dramatically plopping herself on the toilet
I let her have her moment
''I mean I heard from freaking Diana'' she started again
''Diana'' she said more enthusiastic than the first time almost as if Diana were some demon from hell
''And I was like no way! That's not true, but then other girls were also talking, and I asked them if they were sure? Because I mean you and I are close, and you would've told me you know, because you are unable to keep secrets -''
I fidgeted with my sweater nervously, ignoring the sudden bitterness that was rising.
''And they said of course they were sure, and I didn't believe them. Even Sarah told me that she saw you and Finn together at the game last season, and then at Gresco when Finn won ''-
Hearing Amanda say him name sounded so weird, as we never spoke about him. It had become like what I did with Finn and what I did with Amanda were two different lives. So having both worlds collide so suddenly was weird and alien
''And lizzy said that she thought you seemed like a bitch because of how you acted like a total psychopath and went off at Finn â''
This was like a slap in the face
''I told her that's crazy that you wouldn't shout at someone for no reason, but she swore you were apeshit crazy'' Amanda laughed half-heartedly
And I bit down on the inside of my lip
Amanda straight out admitted that she hadn't defended me, - she was my best friend, - besides that, - I'd have done it for her
Instead I brushed it off
''She really said I was a psychopath?'' I asked instead, my voice sounding so small
''Yeah totes'' Amanda said screwing off the top of her lip gloss and applying a thick coat
I watched her screw the lid back on and toss it back into her bag
''What else did she say'' I asked, the wound was already open, might as well go on
But I wasn't ready for what came next
''So I told her maybe he did something that made you angry at him, and she said no way, he did nothing you just got up and went off -''
I wanted to full on cry now, Amanda hadn't even asked my side of the story, and instead she had already made up her mind
All of a sudden I wished I had ignored her in Mrs Davidson's class when she sent me that text about how she wanted to see me in the bathroom.
''After swim practice the whole girl's locker room was talking about you, it was crazier than the time Ivy got pregnant with a freshman''
It was all about the gossip for Amanda, nothing more.
Amanda sensed the sudden change in my mood and took it for something I couldn't quite put my finger on - whatever it was that Amanda thought she had sensed - was wrong.
''Why didn't you tell me Em? No secrets remember - '' Amanda said coming closer to my side nudging me encouragingly
I gave her a tiny smile
''I feel so bad for not figuring it out''
''It's cool Mandy'' I said absently
''No it's not, and the person that you happened to be with -''
''I'm not with him'' I cut in sharply
She held up her hands in mock-apology
''I'm just saying, like how did it even happen?''
''It didn't '- '' I assured her, my voice sounding more cruel than intended
''It's just so unexpected, I would've never guessed''-
''Oh my god! That's why you asked me about the love thing? Oh my god! Are you in love with him?'' she nearly screeched
''No! I'm not, - '' I said in a harsh whisper- as if me whispering would make her turn it down.
''You totally are, aren't you'' Amanda wasn't having it
It was pointless arguing with her, I haven't even figured it out where I stood - feelings -wise
''Oh my god! And Gresco, Em!! Why didn't you say anything??'' -'you said you'd never go, - you could've called me, you knew I wanted to go'' she whined
I answered this with silence
Eventually Amanda calmed down,
''Okay, start from the beginning she ordered''
This was the thing I least wanted to do
But after many 'wells?' and sighs from Amanda I finally gave in
''I'm not even sure, how it happened, or what we even are, we just hang out occasionally '' I admitted
''You hang out! - hang as in present tense? - Wait! Are you planning on hanging out again -''
I hated the way she said hanging out, as if it were code for something else.
''How many times have you hung out?''
I sighed
''Okay sorry go on''
I really didn't want to
''But it really isn't anything like what you are describing and everyone else is'' - I said instead
''Oh my god Em, please!''
I was kind of getting annoyed, we were talking about supposed 'boy' problems, - when I had wanted to talk to her for the last few weeks, about many things, - how my life was falling apart for one) -so it also annoyed me how this topic had come up first
''Ooh, it's like those crazy relationships fight and make up with insane sex type- '' Amanda said looked longingly at the faucets for a while
And like that, I snapped
''Well then if you so in love with him, go for it, I didn't want it anyway'' I added bitterly
''No, no I couldn't, I'm dating Kevin'' she said looking at me as if I were daft.
This sickened me, - she had responded like the thought had crossed her mind.
The period ended, I got up so fast tearing out of the bathroom like a fire had been set, Leaving Amanda calling out behind me.