CH 9

Oh My Love, The First.

Step step… Stop.

“…….”

It was not until he reached the familiar building that he stopped walking. In fact, he had arrived a long time ago, but he was just wandering around, unable to take the last step. All because what stopped him was heavy hesitation.

After parting ways with Song Jina, Ha Joyoon’s final destination was Kang Taejung’s officetel. On the topic of seeing each other again later, the person who actually said it could not stand a few days without being able to see the other. Impatience towards someone who wasn’t keeping any contact was probably enough to make the recipient lose his interest.

‘Did you get dumped? Then don’t stay hung up on it. All it will do is sully your soul.’

It was Song Jina’s advice at the time of parting. She advised calmly, but soberly. Don’t push any further. Don’t make a show of yourself. Unfortunately, however, Ha Joyoon did not take her advice. What his head knew and what his heart accepted were different. Why come all the way here was a question that ran through his head hundreds of times while also contemplating on why he shouldn’t go. But in the end, he was well aware that the decision he made to carry out till the end was the worst choice.

I couldn’t be calm about it, I couldn’t keep my cool, I keep clinging onto you….

All sorts of negative thoughts filled his head. A pathetic ex-lover who was obsessed with the past without seeing reality, was a common sight. A selfish and shameless person. They were all words that could describe what he is now. Ha Joyoon leaned against the wall, barely holding onto his drifting senses.

He gently tilted his head to face the cold night air. The tip of her sullen nose twitched. He was a man of little ups and downs when it came to his emotions, however, those had not been well controlled in recent years.

…… Let’s just see your face today.

In only two meetings, that ugly appearance of his was enough to be seen. He said he would not break up with him in such a brisk manner and asked for a chance, but in fact, there was no countermeasure. He didn’t know what to do other than cling helplessly to the emotions of the other person that were slipping through his fingers.

He was aware that these frequent visits and the act of hovering around in this way also made the situation worse, but there was nothing he could do about it.

This kind of thing could be counted as a crime….

Ha Joyoon thought blankly as he looked up at the dimly lit window. This sort of an act is the worst, I know, I know it all too well, but I can’t control it. He didn’t know what to do or what to do to restore their relationship, except just keep clinging onto it.

After the meeting that day, Kang Taejung no longer received any further calls from Ha Joyoon. When he called, it went to an automatic response, and even if he sent a message, there was still no reply. It had already been a few days since he woke up to look at the screen of his phone with his eyes wide open all night, waiting for a response that never came through. The worn-out heart was on the verge of exploding.

You’ve seriously made up your mind, haven’t you?

Kang Taejung is actually being cold to me. Ha Joyoon shook his head in full response to the coldness of the built up wall. He had never even dreamed of it.

‘Yoon-ah, do you really have to do something so dangerous?’

‘It’s not that dangerous these days.’

‘But once you leave, you’ll have to stay there for a long time.’

‘That’s true, but….’

‘When applying for the job of a correspondent… Did you think of me even once?’

‘Kjfpecu-jt, P….’

He bit his lip at the sudden memory of the past. I was such a heartless and selfish lover to you. I was.

‘Jjc’a sbe pera rabq atlr cbk?’

‘Kjfpecu-jt. P’w gfjiis rbggs. Jjc’a sbe qifjrf ags ab ecvfgrajcv wf? P kbgxfv gfjiis tjgv ab dejilos. Tbe xcbk la abb, atja la kjr lwqbrrlyif ecifrr P kfgf j ofiibk cjalbcji. Pa’r j wlgjmif rb… P gfjiis… kjca ab ulnf ws yfra.’

‘How long are you going to keep doing this?’

‘How can I decide that….’

‘All right… I see. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have asked that.’

As if the seal had been broken, the pieces poured out. Even though he closed his eyes because he couldn’t handle it, Kang Taejung’s voice, which was painfully suffering, was as clear as if he were still talking. No matter what scene he thought of, in every situation, he was a mean, nasty, and a selfish person who only cared about himself.

In the possibility that I date you again, would I be able to give up on my long-time dream?

But soon he shook his head. This kind of worry had an extravagance of its own. It was a false assumption, and a wish as the other person didn’t even want to accept it.

Still, one thing was for sure. He couldn’t have everything he wanted as if they were his childhood toys. When he wanted something, he would be at the risk of losing something else. He was able to learn this simple fact only after wasting away precious time. And so, at some point, if Kang Taejung decides to open up his heart to him one more time, he would surely accept that he could lose something else instead. No matter what it could be.

Ha Joyoon, without even thinking of hiding his gloomy expression, took a step to the corner to avoid the lights of street lamps. Following his steps, the wind of the end of summer tickled his earlobe. In a sense, it was announcing the arrival of autumn. And at that moment, there seemed to be some movement not too far away on the street. At the sound of the approaching steps, Ha Joyoon hid himself without realizing it.

“Seems like the heat is gradually going away.”

A person who was difficult to be forgotten even in dreams came into view.

“Taejung hyung.”

Seo Youngwoo called the other person in a tone filled with sweetness. Ha Joyoon, who was insensitive to other people’s emotions, immediately noticed, as it was a voice that truly loved the other person. God, I was so stupid for deciding to come here all alone. His skinny shoulders stiffened even more.

“Well it’ll be autumn soon.”

Likewise, a voice filled with tenderness responded to the other person. It was a voice that brought tears to his eyes just by hearing it.

“I was supposed to take you home, so what are you doing?”

“Just because. I wanted to take you home today. There should be days like that. I’m a guy too, but it’s embarrassing that only you take me home. And since you did pretty things, it’s a compliment service.”

“Pretty things?”

Kang Taejung asked back in a smiley tone. Ha Joyoon, not knowing what kind of painful effect the reply would have on him, continued to listen as he held his breath.

“You’ve been very sweet to me lately. You smile a lot, keep in touch often, and the first one to say that we should meet up.”

“I wasn’t like that before?”

“You weren’t. Don’t you remember? Haha.”

The moonlight, heralded the long night, and softly illuminated the two of them. Ha Joyoon stared blankly at the two without realizing it, forgetting that he could be caught in a beautiful scenery that seemed to be blessing his lover who was starting anew.

“You were afraid that I was worried about that person, right?”

“…….”

“That “someone I know” person.”

Someone I know. The words that flowed out of Seo Youngwoo’s mouth soon took the shape of a sharp blade and pierced his heart in a straight line.  The body that was leaning against the wall, froze and trembled.

Someone I know, Someone I know….

There was no way to hide the misery in that small voice inside his head. He didn’t realize that it was the most accurate word to define who he is now to Kang Taejung. Nevertheless….

“You knew?”

At the question that took time to be asked, Seo Youngwoo smiled and gently grabbed Kang Taejung ‘s arm.

“How could I not know? Your voice seemed to be full of discomfort.”

“…Was it?”

An awkward smile hung on. His eyelashes trembled as he descended toward the ground at the silent affirmation. Ha Joyoon slowly sank to the floor, ignoring the desire to cover his ears and run away.

Kang Taejung’s face, which had been in trouble throughout the conversation with him, came to mind. He was no longer happy to see him, unable to spare even a single smile. He just reluctantly answered his question, but even that stance clearly wanted to avoid him. The figure still remained a painful wound. It was almost as if he had become an ugly villain who couldn’t accept the conclusion of the drama that had already ended.

While Ha Joyoon was at a loss for what to do with the unfamiliar feeling, the conversation between the two continued again.

“… I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for? I know it’s hard to get things straight right away. You two have known each other for a long time. Still, you’re trying to sort things out, because that person just can’t accept it. I know that it can’t be helped.”

After a brief silence, Kang Taejung carefully took a step closer to Seo Youngwoo. A face with an indescribable expression, mixed with all kinds of emotions, slowly emerged under the moonlight.

“Thank you for understanding. I think I’ll need some more time. I’ve been putting it together for 5 years… while he’s struggling a lot because it just happened in a few days.”

“That’s a given. It sounds harsh, but I don’t really care about what state that person is in. I just need you to be by my side. …Honestly, the way we started… because of that, I was always anxious and not confident about my relationship with you.”

“Youngwoo-ya, that’s….”

“I guess seeing you have a hard time is still traumatic to me.”

Kang Taejung’s face twisted with guilt as he looked down at the other person who was scratching his head with an awkward smile. I’m sorry. Seo Youngwoo shook his head at the brief apology.

“Still, I liked it.”

“Liked what?”

“You said it to me in front of that person. That he’s just a person you know.”

“…….”

“Thank you, hyung.”

Kang Taejung’s eyes, who looked at him at the soft expression of gratitude, were warm. The hand, which had been still all along, moved slowly and touched Seo Youngwoo’s cheek. Hyung? A whisper melted in the night breeze. A long shadow of the moon slowly descended on Seo Youngwoo’s face. For the moment, it was a mutually exclusive time. And in conjunction with that whispering voice, someone’s voice overlapped.

As soon as the lips of the two, who had been looking at each other for a long time, touched, Ha Joyoon buried his face in his arms and took a deep breath. Silence fell and a peaceful despair came.

‘Then don’t stay hung up on it. All it will do is sully your soul.’

Song Jina’s cold voice reverberated in her ears. You’re right. It seems to be getting really messy. Down to the bottom of my soul.

Ha Joyoon closed his senses to catch the frantic passing of time as he rubbed his burning eyes with his bare arms. The shallow breath scattered into the hazy air.

What should I do? I feel like I’m going crazy like this, I feel like I’m going to die. What do I do….

Cold sweat ran down his white forehead due to the sharp pain that had been ringing through his entire head for a long time. It felt like his heart was about to burst. His pale complexion, overcome by pain, was revealed under the dim streetlight.

‘I love you.’

He smiled warmly and kissed his lips.

‘I really love you, Yoon-ah.’

Those sweet moments run down the river with tears.

The happiest moment for someone becomes the unhappiest moment for someone else and two face each other at the intersection of time. Time passed and memories passed. Emotions can fade, sometimes deepen, and change in shape. It was a law of love that was fair to everyone, and therefore cruel.