CH 24

On the way to work, downtown Seoul was filled with cars and people without a single gap. Despite the endless procession, the ginkgo trees planted on the sidewalk were gradually regaining their color in the fall.

“Don’t stick your face out the window.”

Ha Joyoon, looking at the street trees with half his head sticking out, flinched at the strict tone for a moment.

“Don’t you know it’s dangerous?”

Ha Joyoon, without saying anything back, pressed the off button to close the window. Bzz– The black tinted window went up from the bottom with a slow mechanical sound. The fresh scenery was soon trapped in a black shroud, leaving only faint outlines. It was difficult to find any fragments of emotion in the silent gaze. Shin Kwonjoo, still with a calm expression, turned the steering wheel gently in time as the signal changed.

“How are you feeling?”

Yesterday and today, he still stared at the ring on his left ring finger and answered blandly. He also recalled it along with what Shin Kwonjoo said, which was simply that it was meaningless. Is it some sort of camouflage? Though he only stayed for a while, there was no trace of a woman anywhere in the thoroughly refined officetel of Shin Kwonjoo.

“I’m okay.”

“I think you need to improve your stamina a bit more. You passed out after just a few rounds of sex.”

“Ah.”

Ha Joyoon’s head turned like the wind at the crude words. A faint smile lingered on the lips of the expressionless face and then disappeared. The person who actually said that was calm, but Ha Joyoon’s face turned pale, then red, and then pale again.

“I said it because it seemed like you were pretending nothing happened.”

Breaking the brief silence, the man resumed the conversation. It was quite surprising. It was Shin Kwonjoo who woke up in the morning and kept silent about last night’s events with little eye contact until now. He acted so natural and indifferent that Ha Joyoon thought it might have been an impulsive mistake on his side, and so, pretended not to remember. Ha Joyoon, leaving behind many passing thoughts, opened his mouth with an embarrassed look.

“It’s not like that.”

“There goes your favorite line.”

“It’s not…”

The same words unintentionally came out of his words and he shut his mouth before he could say the whole thing all over again. His cheeks flushed again in embarrassment. Soon after passing the blocked section, the traffic split into a quiet road. Along with the sound of deeply stepping on the accelerator, the engine inside the car created a harsh throbbing sound. The still background passed quickly. Ha Joyoon’s gaze, staring at the scene, became dazed again. Lately, he seemed to have been losing his mind quite a lot.

Is there really something wrong with my head? A silly thought passed.

“I’m planning to move away by next summer at the latest.”

“……?”

He turned his eyes to the story that came out of nowhere and looked at him. All he could see were the man’s dark eyes. It was quite bizarre to know that there was uncontrolled brutality hidden within what seemed, at first glance, indifferent.

“We seemed to fit well together.”

Although he didn’t elaborate on what exactly they fit well together in, Ha Joyoon knew what it meant, and rubbed the nape of his hot neck. Fatigue was oozing from the tip of his fingertips.

Screech–

As they entered the parking lot inside the office building, the vehicle’s speed gradually decreased.

“Before I go back, why don’t we have sex once in a while like yesterday?”

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“Sunbae-nim, that’s…”

“If you don’t want to, then there’s no need to force yourself.”

He added as he parked between the drawn lines. The unfinished sentence kept going around in his mouth.

Perhaps relationships were as light and futile as this. It may be burdensome for anyone, such as the desire to cling to the past and connect the broken ties.

Suddenly, an unacceptable bitterness flooded in. Crying was not a good thing. Since it would mean that the base of the heart was shaken and hurt. Ha Joyoon, ignoring the sting on his nose, tried to erase his expression by pretending to be calm.

“Since I was young, I have often heard that I’m different.”

The man who had turned off the engine and was getting ready to leave turned his gaze. As it seemed like he would listen for a while, Ha Joyoon slowly brought up memories from a long ago.

“When I focused on something, I would get completely absorbed in it, and couldn’t see anything else.”

When he was young, he only knew Kang Taejung, and after a little bit of growing up, he was fascinated by the photos of the press that gave him an outlook on the world. After attending photo exhibitions and looking through catalogs of many journalists while immersed in photography, he had a dream of recording the scenes of civil wars around the world. He wanted to make sure that no one was turned away from people’s eyes and attention.

“I ended up realizing that it was simply me being selfish. Whether at work or in relationships…”

“So what are you trying to say?”

Ha Joyoon smiled softly, thinking that the man held in his natural temperament for quite a while before letting it out again. One eyebrow of Shin Kwonjoo rose cynically as he looked at him. A sign of annoyance flashed across his face. Ironically, Ha Joyoon felt fortunate that he was still cold to him.

“If you don’t think my suggestion…”

“You don’t like me, do you?”

“……”

The man’s movements as well as his voice came to a halt as if time had stopped. A chill swept over them. A cold silence replaced his answer.

“You tend to be too emotional.”

“Let’s get out for now.” Shin Kwonjoo said as he opened the car door. Ha Joyoon looked up at him for a moment, quickly packed up, and followed him out of the car.

“May I ask why you made such a suggestion?”

A more subdued voice asked the question carefully between the quiet footsteps. Haa. An annoyed sigh escaped between his lips as he walked ahead.

“If I had to say, it would be sympathy or pity. Compatibility is good too.”

Sympathy and pity.

Whatever it was, it wasn’t the right word for Shin Kwonjoo. In addition, it was ironic in itself to suggest being sex partners with such feelings. However, Ha Joyoon accepted his answer as it was.

He slowly looked into Shin Kwonjoo’s face, receiving his cold stare. There was nothing he was missing with his stubborn and sharp eyes, flawless straight nose, moderate lips, fine chin, hair as black as the pupils, excellent specs and abilities, and social status.

… Therefore, like Kang Taejung, he would not be hurt by me, nor would he have any expectations. In any case, the person who had expectations regarding feelings and suffered from them was me, not him. There will be no more of me hurting or disappointing anyone anymore. Maybe, maybe.

“It’s just sex. What else is there to it?”

He answered with cold eyes as he stood in the middle of an empty underground parking lot.

Just sex, that’s all.

Ha Joyoon paused for a moment, and soon lowered his eyes to the floor. The unique musty smell of the underground space and the cool chill touched his skin. There is no love It’s just sex that comforts the body. He nodded slowly, rubbing his sinking heart with his palm.

“I see…”

“Think calmly. Sleeping with each other won’t change our professional relationship.”

He realized once again that he should not look for any meaning in the sharp eyes that were stubbornly looking at him. The bitter rules of reality. “Sunbae-nim…” A voice that was small enough to disappear in the wind called Shin Kwonjoo. The man’s breathing slowed down under the guise of being calm, without missing a moment’s whisper.

“All relationships have an end…”

“……”

“I didn’t really know that.”

He was stupid. The distant gaze was full of hopelessness.

I lost Kang Taejung.

Moreover, I should try to understand a lighter, futile, and insignificant relationship. Since I’ve lost the most important person anyway, no matter who I meet, I won’t be able to meet someone who loves me that much again. Even if I fix my broken heart, no one will remain by my side if I continue to stay selfishly engrossed in photography and ideals like before. No one.

Ha Joyoon thought.

Then maybe I need to learn about a relationship that was a little firmer, a little simpler, and a little irresponsible. That’s how I should endure from now onwards. A relationship that was just about sex, without the weight of seriousness and responsibilities. Light love play. A relationship that did not force anyone to sacrifice and wait for the other. What more befitting relationship than that for me?

“Let me ask you one more question.”

He answered with a shrug. Ha Joyoon, with the consent of Shin Kwonjoo, brought out his inner thoughts in a low voice without any further hesitation.

“Are you married?”

What Shin Kwonjoo said before they slept together was not enough. He had to know about him a little more distinctly to get his act straight. He had already realized clearly from many experiences that just because he was hurt, that reason alone was not to be used as a justification to hurt another stranger.

Shin Kwonjoo’s cheeks stiffened at the direct question. He seemed to be contemplating, but the hesitation was not long. A low-pitched voice answered the question.

“Divorced.”

That’s all he should know. No further details were required as the rest belonged to his extremely private domain.

“All right. Then I don’t think it’ll be bad either.”

Ha Joyoon, without noticing the sadness that slowly encapsulated his heart, answered quietly with a pale face. Shin Kwonjoo’s eyes looking at him also darkened, but Ha Joyoon was not alert enough to notice that.

The silence continued for a long time. Neither of them moved from their position until another vehicle entered the parking lot and honked the car horn. Only crude silence replaced the congratulatory words for the beginning of their sexual relationship.

***

「How about having dinner at home on the weekend?」

Kang Taejung looked through his planner and his weekend return schedule after checking the message sent by his mother after a long time. Nothing was scheduled except for the meetup with Seo Youngwoo planned for Sunday.

Come to think of it, it’s been quite some time since he hasn’t been able to visit his parents’ home under the pretext of being busy. Even after becoming independent, he used to visit once or twice a month…

She was an exceptionally affectionate and kind-hearted mother. Kang Taejung began to type up a reply letter by letter, smiling awkwardly at his unintentional indifferent behavior.

***

“You’ve become so skinny. Do you even eat?”

His mother, putting down the mouth-watering soybean paste stew in the middle of the table, asked anxiously.

“Does I look that bad?”

“Do you not even look in the mirror? My son looks terrible.”

Kang Taejung, going with the flow of his mother’s words, gently swept his cheek. He had definitely lost a lot of weight since then. It might have been a work-related problem, but the biggest reason was probably because of Ha Joyoon’s return to Korea. He lowered his eyes, suffering from the reminiscence of automatic memories.

“I guess I got distracted with work.”

He murmured as if nothing was wrong and put the deliciously coated fish on top of the rice, eating it all in one bite. The salty yet savory taste stimulated his appetite. The mother, seated in front of him, observed her son carefully with her chin resting on her palm. The eyes looking at him were full of concern and affection for her child.

“But still, what is that face?”

“Haha, I’ll make sure to eat well.”

“You’re so busy that you don’t even bother to message until your mom does.”

She was busy pushing side dishes in front of her son with a sad pout. Kang Taejung dissuaded his mother with a light smile. At this rate, all the side dishes on the table would have to be eaten by him.

“Where’s dad?”

“I got a call saying he was caught up again as soon as the work was over. He said he would come later tonight. Shall we go out and drink beer once he comes?”

“Sounds good.”

“By the way, did you meet Yoon?”

The chopsticks that were diligently picking up the side dishes stopped. “Taejung-ah?” His mother called out. Kang Taejung, startled, hurriedly lifted a glass of water and avoided her gaze. She didn’t pay too much heed to her son’s condition and continued from where she left off.

“Yoon’s mom said that she wanted to talk to you, but she couldn’t contact you at all. Why don’t you stop by tomorrow while you’re here?”

“… Aunty did?”

“You had a hard time when Yoon went missing, no? I’m telling you now but I was really scared to see you like that. Imagine how much it must’ve distressed Hyesun to the point she told you not to come.”

Hyesun was Ha Joyoon’s mother. The relationship goes back a little further. When they were friends before they were lovers, their mothers were friends before that. The end of a tightly connected relationship was simply impossible to gauge. In the days when love was everything, he was happy about anything that was connected with Ha Joyoon, but he felt more burdened than ever.