No.
"W-What?" Lisa's body stiffened as she felt her heart stop momentarily. Jennie liked her? As in, actually liked her? No. The thought had her heart moving again, rapidly and pounding against her ribcage.
She can't. She can't. She just can't.
Lisa suddenly felt terrified. She could feel Jennie's grip on her waist tighten with her own heart beating in a faster pace against her.
"I like you Lisa." Her tone was determined but soft, careful, scared even. Jennie was scared. Jennie was serious. Lisa shakily exhaled as she slowly untangled her legs with Jennie, a breathless strained chuckle following afterwards,
"You're joking, right?" It was Jennie's turn to freeze in her hold hearing the silent plea in Lisa's tone. As if she was begging for Jennie to tell her she was just joking. Maybe even smirk playfully while giving her another one of her horrible pick up lines that never failed to make her cringe and laugh simultaneously.
But then Jennie pulled away, sitting up and searching Lisa's fearful eyes that grew desperate to see her damn smirk. Please smirk...
She was serious.
"You can't be serious," she whispered, fear clear in her voice mixed with a hint of disbelief. Lisa sat up as well, scooting backwards till her back was pressed against the wall behind her as she felt her gaze slowly looking horrified and she wondered if Jennie could see that look. And maybe she did because a flash of worry flickered in her soft expression.
"Lisa, I mean it." She did. Jennie's eyes looked determined, her expression calm and collective but her lips quivered, her fingers held the sheets underneath them tightly. Her knuckles were whitening and trembling. Jennie meant it.
Lisa feverishly shook her head, "Y-You can't," she whispered, wincing as her voice shook and from the hurt in Jennie's eyes. She looked so hurt, Lisa was hurting Jennie and damn it, she didn't know what to feel, do or think. All she knew is that she needed to get out.
"You can't like me Jennie," she spoke out a bit firmly. Jennie winced and puffed out a shaky breath. Lisa watched Jennie force out a grin and she was suddenly feeling sick. This cannot be happening.
"I think it's bit too late for that," Jennie tried lightening up the mood but Lisa was already sliding off the bed and rushing to put on her shoes. "Wait, Lis, if we could just talk!" But Lisa was ignoring her. Her heart was confused and she couldn't breathe. She couldn't think. This is a new territory she was not ready for.
"Please, don't leave," Jennie sounded so weak, so vulnerable. Lisa had never seen this side of her and she wished she never did. She knew she was leaving her own room, but she just needed space. She needed to be away from Jennie. Her sweet scent, her affectionate eyes and touch was just too much for her. She was confused.
Lisa's hand was already holding the door knob when Jennie's touch was holding her wrist tightly, but still so gentle. She didn't want to hurt Lisa and the thought only made her gut twist even more.
"Please Lis, if we could just talk--."
"You can't do this to me Jennie. You can't like me," Lisa hated how weak she sounded, how it hurt to just say those words to the person that grew important to her. "Take it back, please."
Lisa couldn't even look at her to know Jennie was in pain. She could feel the hurt radiating from her touch. Jennie's grip loosened but it never faltered away,
"I can't just take it back Lis. We can't brush this off. It's out there so can we please talk about this? I'm not asking anything in return okay? I just needed to tell you because Lis, you're incredible. You're so wonderful and amazing and just so damn important to me." Every word that was escaping Jennie's lips sounded so right and that scared Lisa even more. She's never felt this burning fire in her chest and it was frightening to even admit.
She wasn't ready.
Lisa swiftly turned around, removing her wrist from Jennie's hand and walking around the smaller one. Her hand brushed through her hair in frustration as she sat herself on the edge of her bed. She was not ready for this. Lisa had never liked a girl before and she wasn't ever planning to but Jennie...
No, she can't.
"You can't."
Jennie sighed, carefully walking her way in front of Lisa, "Lis..." Her voice was soft and loving and it was too overwhelming.
"You can't Jennie! You can't like me!" Lisa snapped, eyes glaring at the beautiful girl in front of her. Those soft eyes suddenly looked even more broken than before.
Lisa had to clench her fists over her thighs the moment tears began to brim Jennie's feline eyes. She did that. Lisa was hurting Jennie and she absolutely hated it. But, she was just so scared.
"But I do. I really really like you. You're so special to me Lis and maybe I might even lo--."
"No." Lisa hated how harsh she spoke, she hated how Jennie winced and looked down, locking her hands tightly in front of her and trembling profusely. Lisa hated this. "You can't feel this way for me."
A tear fell from Jennie's eyes, rolling down her soft skin and soaking the fabric of the her shirt as she looked up, piercing Lisa with a sharp gaze. Her jaw was clenched and she was breathing heavily,
"You don't get to dictate my heart. You have no right to tell me that! I am my own person and I will be damned if I am going to allow you to question what I can and cannot feel for you!!" Jennie shouted and Lisa shook her head, clenching her eyelids tightly,
"I am not gay!!" Jennie let out an exasperated sigh of frustration,
"So you've said! But, Lisa--!" Lisa suddenly shot her eyes open and stood up.
"It's wrong!!"
It grew silent.
Jennie grew silent.
Lisa was regretting it all.
More tears cascaded down Jennie's cheeks from her stunned eyes. her lips were parted, opening and closing as if trying to find words to say. And then she looked away and Lisa realized her mistake. The blonde sighed softly,
"Shit, Jen...I'm sorry," she tried apologizing but Jennie looked at her again and all she saw was betrayal. But that betrayal turned to determination and no, not in a way to get Lisa to talk to her. She was determined to show Lisa that she had no right to see her broken because her eyes were blank and Lisa could no longer see anything. Jennie had closed her off.
With a curt nod, Jennie began to put o her own shoes. Lisa could only helplessly watch her and feel her heart crack with every single tear that Jennie would secretly wipe away. Lisa never hated herself as much as she did now.
Jennie grabbed her bag before stomping her way to the door.
"Wait, Jen.." But Jennie scoffed,
"Don't." And walked out of the room, slamming the door shut, leaving Lisa to enter the silence and her own reality.
She fucked up big time.
It had been weeks since that night and Lisa felt terrible. Groaning for the hundredth time, Lisa hid under her blankets and whined as Chaeyoung opened up the blinds.
"Nope, none of that Lisa. You are going to get up and talk to me. You have been sighing, groaning and moping around for weeks! You look worse than Jennie," Her roommate mumbled the last sentence under her breath but Lisa heard it all. She peeked her face from the blankets and stared at Chaeyoung worriedly,
"H-How is she?" Lisa dared to ask, her voice breaking slightly and she hated how nervous she was sounding but it was Jennie they were talking about and she just could not forget the pain in the girls face. She caused that pain.
Chaeyoung stared at her for a moment before plopping herself on the edge of Lisa's bed and pulling the sheet away from the sad girls face,
"She's sad. I've never seen her like that before. What happened to you two?" She asked as Lisa slowly sat up and blew out a puff of hair through her lips. Lisa contemplated but told her everything nonetheless. Told her how Jennie liked her and told her how she hurt her. God, she hurt Jennie.
Chaeyoung whistled lowly, "Damn, you fucked up big time." Lisa scoffed and rolled her eyes,
"No shit," she chuckled dryly and leaned forward, pressing her face against her palm and groaning once more, "I hate this." Chaeyoung sighed, reaching forward and pulling Lisa's hands away from her face,
"Can I ask you something?" She said softly, squeezing Lisa's hands before pulling back and scanning Lisa's sad eyes. Lisa could only stare and nod because she had nothing else to lose at this point. Because the one good thing she had, she lost it. Chaeyoung waited a moment before leaning a little closer and studying Lisa's expression diligently,
"How do you feel without Jennie?" Lisa didn't even hesitate to say,
"Empty."
The moment Jennie left felt like Lisa grew a hollow void in her chest. It felt cold it felt so wrong. Lisa couldn't feel anything at all. And that feeling only heightened every time Jennie avoided her eyes and Lisa was desperately always searching for some type of light in those deep brown eyes she grew to adore.
She missed the way Jennie stared at her, missed the way Jennie would smile at her. Lisa missed Jennie so much. But, it was clear that the brunette wanted nothing to do with her and it was all her fault.
"And why do you feel that way? Think really hard Lis, have you ever felt that happy before with anyone else? I know, this is all new to you and I am not trying to tell you how you should feel because at the end of the day, it's you that has to figure it out and listen to whatever your heart is saying. I just think what you and Jennie have is special and that's something you shouldn't let go. Friends or more, you two work. So, let me ask you, what does your heart want?"
Jennie.
It wants Jennie.
It always wanted Jennie.
So, without uttering another word, Lisa rushed out of the bed, threw on a hoodie, put on her shoes and sprinted out the door. Chaeyoung watched in amusement and playfully rolled her eyes,
"You're welcome."
Her instincts were right.
Jennie would always eat ice cream whenever she was down so, there she sat. Her legs crossed in front of her as she ate her ice cream, staring up at the clouds above her with a solemn expression. Lisa's heart clenched and her gut twisted. She never wanted to see that expression ever again.
Lisa is quiet when she approaches, her steps hesitant at first. She could feel her fear growing as it was slowly entering a new territory, but this time she was not going to allow it to control her. With a soft exhale, she stood behind Jennie,
"Hey," She spoke softly, carefully as if too scared to speak any louder and maybe scare off the girl she had been yearning for. Jennie winced before squaring her shoulders and slowly standing up. And before Lisa could muster out a word, Jennie began to walk away, throwing her cup of ice cream in the trash bin a little too harshly. Oh yeah, she was mad.
"Jen, wait!"
"Leave me alone," Jennie's voice was cold and empty but Lisa was determined. So, Lisa walked faster, following Jennie like a lost puppy, whimpering under her breath as the brunette refused to look her way.
"I need to tell you something!" Lisa voiced out desperately, walking beside her (wasn't too hard to catch up) and staring at the side of Jennie's irritated expression. She wanted to smile towards how cute the girl looked but knew it was not the right time. "Come on Jen, can we please talk?" Jennie rolled her eyes and scoffed under her breath,
"Funny how the tables have turned," Jennie bit out. Lisa winced,
"Yeah, I deserve that," She admitted, trying to catch her favorite eyes. Jennie chuckled bitterly,
"You deserve a lot more than that," The brunette hissed, trying to walk even faster. Lisa stopped in her tracks and narrowed her eyes in determination,
"You're stubborn!" Jennie stopped walking as well, turning around abrubtly and staring at Lisa as if she grew an extra head,
"Excuse me?"
Lisa took in a deep breath, "You're stubborn, short tempered, relentless, egotistic at times and sometimes can be quite needy.." Jennie narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms before turning around again,
"You're an ass."
Jennie took a step forward and Lisa smiled,
"Yeah, I'm an ass who fell in love with you."
Jennie stopped walking, frozen in her stance and Lisa smiled even more, "I love how stubborn you are when you refuse to leave because you want to hang out more even though you are exhausted beyond belief. I love how short tempered you get when I tell you no more ice cream because it's late and you need to sleep, love how relentless and egotistic you are whenever you flirt with me because you love it when I blush. And, I love how needy you are because I'm just as needy for you too."
Jennie slowly turned around, eyes openly staring at Lisa with so much affection. Her smile was tender and beautiful and wonderful and Lisa was so damn in love with her.
"I'm in love with you so get your ass back over here and let me love you."
With a loud laugh, Jennie ran towards Lisa, leaping and locking her legs around Lisa's waist and arms around her neck before capturing Lisa's lips in a soft, loving kiss. Jennie was kissing Lisa and it was euphoric. Her lips were soft, gentle and sweet and Lisa felt so alive. She tilted her face and deepened and moved her lips greedily as if she knew she wasted so much time in avoiding these lips. They should have done this the moment they met.
Giggling, Jennie pulled back, "I love you too," smiling down at Lisa and brushing her thumb on her cheek, tracing the pink color, "You're so gay."
Lisa rolled her eyes but smiled nonetheless from the way Jennie leaned down to brush the tip of her nose against Lisa's. Lisa laughed and stared at Jennie's smile because it looked way too beautiful and so damn captivating.
"Shut up and kiss me."
And she did.
And Lisa had never felt so free in her life.
THE END