Chapter 32: Chapter 31-Red Rose

It was New Year's Eve.

It was also another celebration that was due to take place at her home with family, cousins, aunts and uncles.

Camelia lazily dressed in skin tight jeans and a flowing pink satin shirt, that morning. She hung the glittering gold knee-high hug fitting dress she was to wear later that evening to ring in the New Year over the door hook of her closet. Passing the mirror she couldn't help but stop and really look at the reflection staring at her. She didn't look well. The dark circles stand as evidence of the deprived sleepless nights she'd had to endure.

The week's of bottling everything inside finally caught up with her.

Camelia sighs feeling the burdens of the world weighing down her chest.  Dread seized her heart.  Time was supposed to heal all wounds.  Only time was doing the opposite with her.

Her shoulders were extremely tense and ached.  The veins over her knuckles stood out against her skin due to her lack of appetite increasing in the last several weeks.  The jeans she was wearing usually fit like second skin, now were loose on her hips and bottom.

Her skin lacked the elasticity and brightness it usually held. Her hair had seen better days. It was always so lustrous, soft, silky and full of life. Camelia lifted a dull, flat and dry strand and frowned.  It appeared lifeless just like the rest of her.

"Grief looks good on you." She scoffed to her image, flicking the strand behind her shoulder carelessly.

It was her fault, of course. High expectations–the initiator of pain, the destroyer of hope. It left her feeling bitter, brittle and hollow.

However, it wasn't the way she looked that depressed her that morning or agitated her delicate nerves but what she dreamt as she slept.  Thoughts of the previous nightmare clawed it's way into her mind.  Taking a shuddering breath to calm the turmoil running through her, she starred at her very inky blue eyes, recalling the dream.

She and Kivanç were celebrating the New Year together at a event.  To her utter disbelief, there Stefan was with his Greek like golden Goddess, Selena, standing in the middle of the dance floor.  The crystal ball hovering over their heads casted it's reflective pattern over their faces.  Her arm was linked with his and the side of her breast was brushing against his arm intimately.  He kisses her forehead fondly and in return she closes her eyes with a small flittering smile shadowing her lips.

Flutes of champagne with blood red strawberries pierced along the edge of their flutes caught her attention. The strawberries were just as red as the dress she dressed in–the same one from the auction.

Why would she be wearing her Lady in red, dress? Again.

She looks down with a frown before glancing at the clock. One minute before midnight. The crowd comes together, beginning to chant down the seconds before the clock strikes twelve.

Couples embraced waiting in anticipation.

Stefan and his girlfriend get ready with mouths millimeters away from sealing a kiss. A ghost of a smile hovered on Stefan's lips. The Goddess' love for him was shinning from her eyes like a pair of diamonds.

They appeared like a couple in love.

A knife sliced her insides.

The first true emotion she'd felt of pain in a while.  Internally she groaned and shut her eyes tightly as if it would allow the scene before her to disappear.

"5, 4, 3, 2, 1....Happy New Year!" They all shouted.

Camelia opened her eyes.

Horns and whistles sound loudly through the air. Confetti in gold and white streams down from the ceiling like soundless rain. Stefan and his lady lock lips and kiss passionately.

Camelia feels the impact on her own lips, touching them mindlessly with her fingers.

She darts her gaze all around the couples watching them share long passionate kisses. To her dismay she was the only one standing there alone. Searching wildly with her eyes, she scans the room finally spotting Kivanç with his back turned to her with a bright sun-kissed blonde haired woman draped over his arm.

He was kissing her.

Camelia's frown deepens. The woman's face was obscured as her hands wrapped securely around his neck.

He was supposed to be with her at the party.

Why wasn't he? She wonders, standing there silently. Feeling nothing.

She slants her gaze back to Stefan. They continue to French kiss in front of her.  It was evident they couldn't get enough of each other as their hands roamed and grouped.  They came apart, breathing heavily, their foreheads touching.  They stared at one other with love and happiness, oblivious of outsiders, as though they were the only ones in the room.

The entire world around Camelia faded as she watched on.

They did not speak.  Their eyes said it all.

It hurt. It's what she had yearned for.  The vulnerability she thought had left her, returned with a brutal force.

When Stefan's hands spanned the small of Selena's waist and hers lay on his shoulders only then did Camelia rip her eyes away.  Every second she spent watching them, the more her heart split in two.

Everyone seems to be happy but her.  Self-pity ate at her insides.  Her vision swam with tears.

All of a sudden time stopped.

As if she hit the pause button on the remote control while watching a movie.  Everything froze.    The audience, the music, the dancing, the talking.  Camelia begins to move and approaches Stefan.

She stood there, merely inches from Stefan and examined him.  His hair was back to it's normal brown color and slicked back in his signature hair do.  His face was clean shaven and radiant.  His shoulders were just as broad as she remembers.  His custom made tux was tailored to fit his body like a glove.  His paused smile was still on Selena, showing his bright white smile.

He looked happy.

He never missed her.

He never wanted her.

He never cared.

She began to speak to his still form.

"There you are holding her, as if I'm not alive.  I'm lost dying to understand.  Wasn't I enough? Do you know how it feels when everything just dies? You were my life. I just can't get you out of my mind.   I try and try to deny you. Here, I am still holding on.  I can't accept my world is gone.   You destroyed me leaving a mess behind you.  I hate you more than I've ever hated anything in my life.  And I hate myself even more because no one on this earth has ever made me feel so much...."

Tears slip down her face and they fall lifelessly down the polished dance floor.

A red, long stemmed rose appears in her hands. One she did not recall having before.

Lifting it to her nose she smells it's sweet essence and bends the stem, breaking it.  She reaches forward, placing it into the outer pocket of Stefan's tux.

The rose transforms right before her eyes.

The delicate petals dry and darken as if the life is sucked out of it's blooming essence, wrinkling with old age.

"Goodbye Stefan." She says.

It was one of the most distressing dreams she'd had since he left. It was the tears seeping out of the corner of her eyes that woke her up.

Dreams were known to signify meaning.  Perhaps, it was a sign.  A cryptic message.  They held deep secrets and hidden feelings.  Feelings she thought she'd repressed, her unconscious mind revealed.

The red Rose stood out the most.

The color most often representing romance and love.  It was the symbol of her feelings she still harbored.  The emotional truth. The truth she still loved him...and hated him. Yet, it felt like she was saying goodbye to him one last final time.  When the Rose shriveled and dried she knew without a shadow of a doubt she was that rose.

Once vibrant and fresh, preserved–diminishes and dies when it touched him.

He was not the destined one for her.  It's what made her cry, for the truth is always hard to accept.  It was even harder to admit.  In the end it was never Stefan's fault she hit bottom low. Again, it was due to her high expectations.

He left without a second thought. She expected him to win her affections back. Stefan never wanted the same things she did. She could forgive anything–disappointment, heart ache but never the easiness in which he left her. His vanishing act nearly killed her.

Why did she keep herself handcuffed to him?

That chapter of her life completely ended and the door closed a long time ago, for it no longer leads anywhere.

Without thinking of her movements she places a hand over her chest where her heart thudded.  A moment later she feels a shift, a flutter deep inside in the chamber walls of her heart, causing her to catch her breath.  It worried her, that feeling.  Relating it to the same warning sign she receives in her gut.

Camelia took a deep shuddering breath and released it. "Get over yourself.  Live like he ever existed.  Ignore your feelings.  Staying suspended in the past will never help you move forward."  Focusing at her reflection as she speaks.  "Move on."

Her life needed a major edit.  It needed a cleanse to rid her of the bitter taste life left behind.  She could not, would not go through that devastation again.

She decides to start today.

She couldn't very well start the new year with a bland face. If the life was sucked out of her she was determined to apply color with products to cover everything she hid inside. Opening her drawers Camelia spreads the moisturizer she'd been lacking to put on lately and her make-up on the dresser's counter and started to refresh herself.

*****

Gazing down towards the end of the grand staircase she gasps.

The large foyer was already decorated with shimmering gold, silver and black balloons. Steamers in like colors were strung everywhere while billowing metallic foil fringe curtain backdrops taped to the walls. A huge Happy New Year's Eve sign was placed over the front door.

Eyes wide and open mouthed, Camelia slowly descended the last of the steps, her hand lingering on the banister.   What surprised her the most was the countless bouquets of flowers in every shade of the rainbow filling up the foyer.  She walked dazedly turning into a circle, intoxicated by the delicate floral perfumes.  Roses in red, pink, peach and white were surrounded by orchids, camellias, curly snapdragons, lilies, and red hibiscus blossoms stand alone in slim vases.

"What's all this....?"  She exclaimed softly to herself.

This was not supposed to be for the celebration tonight, she thought. Casting a glance to her right she spots a movement.

There Kivanç stood, ever cool, calm, collected and self-assured. A faint smile lighting his handsome face once their eyes meet.  His eyes were dancing with what appeared to be happiness.  His tall elegantly athletic form was flattered by dark blue pants, light blue dress shirt with a few open buttons and a smart black blazer.  His light hair was slicked back while his hands were clasped behind him.

"Kivanç...?" Her voice was barely audible.

He silences her by lifting a finger to his lips and clasps his hands against his chest in such a manner it almost looked like he was praying or pleading.

"Allow me to speak before you say anything." He asks. "I spoke with your mother and father. It's what is done back where I come from. You see...the man asks the permission of the parents..." He trails off and exhales as if it would help him gain the courage to continue. "I love you, Camelia. My lady in red. I confess my attention has never been captured by anyone as it has been by you. You never wandered from my mind while I was away in Istanbul. Since I've been back I feel as if I have a hole in my heart when I have to leave you and go back to my condo alone."

"The precious moments we shared over the last two months have meant more to me than all my success and achievements. I know we haven't known each other for that long but I can't stand another day without you. I've found the woman that has grounded me, a man who thought a woman could never catch his attention. Camelia, you are very special to me. I feel as though I have found my soul mate." Kivanç shakes his head. "No, I know I have.

Camelia gasps, freezes and stares with wide eyes.

No.

He takes another steading breath, takes a few more steps slowly towards her while Camelia watches him closely. His eyes were filled so much desperation, hope and yearning it made her bite her lip.

What he did next made her eyes widen.

He got down on one knee in one fluid motion. Reaching into his pocket he retrieved a box. It was a beautiful red velvet. Once he opens it, Camelia's heart triple started. Inside lay a stunning red ruby ring, flanked with white diamonds surrounding the oval shape.

It was the most beautiful ring she had ever seen.

He chose red.

Instead of a blush fueling her cheeks, she literally felt all the blood drain down her body and her speeding heart sink down her legs.  It was most unexpected as her overwhelming anxiety skyrocketed.

She was filled with so much uncertainty and emptiness in that very moment more than she'd ever experienced.

"I treasure the ground you walk on. Please, make me the happiest man on this earth and allow me the greatest honor...and the greatest privilege and accept my proposal and become my wife." He declares with a hopeful smile, holding the small delicate box in his calloused, large hands.

The weight of his words made it feel like a noose was tightening around her neck. She couldn't bring herself to answer. They hadn't known one another for long. It's true she felt slightly attracted to him, he was dashingly handsome and she enjoyed his company immensely.

She felt his need, could feel the fire under his skin. She knew he wanted her. Badly. His desires were always in check, however subdued he projected himself to be. Sometimes she thought he may grow weary and bored of her virginal actions. He was ever the gentleman but at times he appeared to want to bite a piece of her flesh. He needed more and she was not willing to give him more.

She wondered if it he only wanted her physically or the mind of the girl he was asking. But every time she pushed him farther away, the more he wanted.

Which surprised her.

Her experience with men was close to nothing. No one had ever paid her much attention before he came into her life.  After all, she had kissed only two men in her entire life and it was evident Kivanç had a lot of experience.

She thought of the pain, the hurt, the rejection and her heart which still ached.

In reality she was disgusted, hurt, and irritable with people and the world.  Everything disappointed her.  Even the clothing on her back were barely tolerable on her skin.

Truth be told she did not want a man to share her life with.  Not anymore anyway.  All romantic illusions disappeared from her mind.  The silly girl that once hoped died.

It pained her to admit he was just filling a void in her life.

She was still ripping herself into pieces and suffered because she imagined her life being different. Only to realize every thing was still the same. It was her mind that over powered and controlled her.

The dream last night was a obvious indicator, if not a sign.

Here a man was devoting himself on one knee proposing marriage.  The fierceness in Kivanç's eyes captured her–enslaved her.  He could grant her all she could ever need.  Trust, tenderness, love, security.

There was no question in her mind he would be that man that did good by her.  He's shown her nothing but respect and kindness since she met him months ago. Kivanç made her laugh, teasing her affectionately.  Welcoming his arm around her waist or shoulders made her feel wanted and cherished. Holding her by the hand made her feel loved. His humor was subtle and light and just the antidote for a broken heart.

She was touched by his tenderness and was slightly obsessed with the fact he chose to stay with her, a difficult girl who was closed off to the world. He could be with any girl a thousand times better than her in every way.

Yet, he chose her.

She needed someone to lift her from her self-pity.  If it wasn't for him constantly hovering around her she would have had a mental and physical breakdown. He kept her from drowning in her own misery.

He didn't have to say he loved her for she knew it, his actions, his devotion said it all.

Trust was better than love in some aspects.  And she trusted Kivanç and was positive it was easier to love someone she trusts.  Perhaps she could learn to love and accept him.

A wedding.  A marriage.  It was all she'd ever fantasized about her entire life.

Be wise.  Her mind murmurs.  This is what you always wanted.  You may never get another chance.

Don't. Her heart screams.

Despite Kivanç's affections being one sided Camelia could easily imagine being happy with him.  It would clearly shut out the memory of Stefan from her mind once and for all.  He could help her forget, let go, and move on from what happened and start to live like she desperately wanted.

If Stefan missed her he would have reached out to her in someway.

If he wanted her, he wouldn't have let anything or anybody stop him until she was his.

If he cared he would have showed her.

Here she stands in front of someone who showed her all these things in a short span of time. Someone that made her feel she was worth his time.

Yet, using him to forget another made her feel like a cheater.  A liar.

He needs to know.

"Kivanç, I-I can't give you a answer before I tell you how I feel....".  Camelia was ready to confess everything to him.  If he didn't run the other direction she'd take it as a sign from the heavens that Kivanç was the one true destined love of her life.  "I don't love you.  But it doesn't mean I can't learn in time.  It's just.... I loved anoth-".

Kivanç stood all of a sudden and clasped her tangled cold hands, halting the confession.  She searched his eyes in confusion and found the same expression of hope still there.

"I know, Camelia.  I know, you don't love me, at least, not yet.  Please, let me prove to you that I can be the one for yo–."

"But I have something important about my past, I–." She interrupts.

"I don't care about the past!" He exclaims passionately. "All I care about is the present and the future. You and me. Everything else is dead weight and does not bother me nor should it bother you. Allow me to ask a few questions, if I may?"  He asks in a even tone.

Camelia decides not to argue further and nods silently.

"Do you enjoy my company, sweet Camelia?"

"I do."  She replied.

"What do you feel when I am with you?"

"I-I feel warmth, tenderness, loyalty.  I see a man who will try to do anything to make me happy." She pauses for a moment.   "I feel safe and cared for."  Answering truthfully, swallowing the lump that began forming in her throat.

He doesn't hesitate to ask another question.  "Can you see yourself in love with me?  Can you envision a future with me?"

Everything happens for a reason.  It was time to invest her energy in the present and future and let go of all the dead weight of the past.  The New Year was hours away and it held three-hundred and sixty-five opportunities....

...And Kivanç.

"Yes, Kivanç I can."  She managed to say with a sad smile, her eyes brimming with tears.

She did not intend to live the rest of her life alone, however long it may be.  She had a choice– live alone in misery or take a risk and try to move on with another that was willing to eliminate her loneliness.

The best things come when you least expect it.

One's loss is another's gain.

Don't let yourself be controlled by past experiences. Trust the journey fate set at your feet.

He kissed her knuckles in urgency.  Repeatedly saying something in Turkish she didn't quite understand.  "Is that a, yes?"  He asks pulling out the ring and holding it in front of her.

The red diamond flooded her vision.  By accepting his ring she was setting her future in stone.

And finally moving on.

Remember when you first met him...Remember why you liked him... Remember why you felt attracted to him...

His effort.  It was a reflection of his interest.

He chased her.  She became chosen.

He stood by her at her lowest.  Feeding her his strength.

He loved her.  When she needed to be loved.

With a resigned acceptance she closed her eyes briefly and nods.  "Yes, Kivanç I will marry you."

He slips the ring on her left finger, lifts her hand to his lips and leaves a lingering kiss right above the stone.  Catching her off guard, he lifts her by the waist and twirls her round and round until her surroundings blurred.

Her laughter echoes across the walls.  Never letting her go, Kivanç holds her against his body and bends his head to capture her lips in a long heated kiss to seal their union– filled with promises of love and new beginnings.

"I feel like a King today."  He declares while their foreheads rest against one another.  "I love you, Camelia."

Kivanç would give her everything she's ever wanted.  She needed him. She needed him to shower her with his love. He was the one who was going to mend the broken pieces of her heart.

"Please, done hurt me."  She whispers.  Tears well up in her eyes once more and fall relentlessly down her cheeks.  "I cannot bear it."

Kivanç brushes them away with the pads of his thumbs and lifts her head to meet his searing stare.

"Never....Camelia.  You are the woman of my dreams."

She only hoped she was doing the right thing.

______________________________________________________________

Thank you all for reading. And big thank you all for the votes and comments on previous chapters, loved hearing from you all!

Much more to come in next Friday's update.

Please vote and comment.

Thanks!

-Shaz