The song for this chapter is Home by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros. Because it's quirky and Leed-like, but also the idea of home vs adventure plays heavily in this chapter...both for Adam and Leed, who have different ideas of home, but both are feeling home in their women. And this song has "falling-in-love-moment" confession, which is absolutely perfect for this chapter.
Leed
On the speaker phone in the car on the way home, I call Mac's phone.
"'Ay man." Adam answers, sounding more Southern than last we spoke.
"Well hello, Baby Sister," I say sarcastically.
"She's asleep," he laughs. "It's ten o'clock here, dude. She's having a rougher time growing a human being than Tam, remember?"
"She okay?" I ask anxiously.
"She's fine. Her blood pressure is right there, you know? High enough to keep me freaking out, not high enough for the docs to declare she has pre-eclampsia and put her in the hospital. But that's good. The longer she can keep Babycakes in the oven and not risk her health, the better. The house is almost done, so that's good too. She's stressed about that, but we will be in before the baby."
"Yeah, I know. Mac is mobilizing us all for moving day." I assure him.
Adam is quiet.
"Heard from Bodes?"
Shit. Adam and Bodie had it out at the end of tour.
I got no problem with Adam over it. He was in the right, because Mac was in the mix. But Bodie is my oldest fucking friend, and there ain't much he could do that could make me turn on him. So I don't want to tell Adam that Bodie is on the outs with Arabella, and fucking up bigtime in Atlanta, acting like a thug in his old hood. Riley and I have the girl on itâMarley. She's trying to call him, reaching out to his family to see what they know. I honestly don't know how he feels about her, I think he's wrapped up in Arabella, but there is something about that Marley girl where Bodie is concerned. They have some secret, something they have in common. I just hope it's a strong enough share that she can reach him. Because I can't see my way clear right now to drag my ass to Atlanta and wade through Bodie's hood. Tam would fucking kill me, and honestly, being a dad makes you think twice about doing stupid shit.
Not too many people in my world that trumps Bodie, but Ollie is first. And Mac, too. And my heart is pumping hard to push Ashlynn up on that list, too, but my head is screaming slow the fuck down.
"Leed? You still there?"
"Yeah, I heard from Bodie. Couple weeks ago. He's stateside."
"In LA? You've seen him?"
"Naw, I haven't seen him. I don't exactly know where he is, but I'm trying to make a connection. I'm kinda in the shit with the Cub, right now, you know?"
"How is my nephew?" Adam says proudly. It still trips my shit, that my band brother is my actual brother-in-law now. Fucking crazy.
"He's fucking awesome. Did you see that video of him batting his toys?"
"I saw. He's coordinated as hell for two months. Gonna have mad hands. Guitarist or drummer, ya think?"
"Fuck that, he's a Frontman. His pipes are truly horrific, when he's hungry. Probably be a death metal screecher."
Adam laughs. "So what's up, anyway? You just callin' to shoot the shit with Mac?"
I pull into my garage and park, transferring the phone off speaker. I head through the house for some reason, out to the pool, and the dark canyon sky.
"Well, naw man, I...I wanted to talk to her...but maybe...shit. Maybe I should ask you."
"Ask me what?"
"Fuck. Hang on." I head back to the car, rummage in the door pocket. Adam hears the lighter spark.
"You need weed to talk about whatever is on your mind?"
"Not weed," I say, holding my breath, walking back out to the pool."Just a cigarette."
"Since when do you prefer cigarettes? Aren't you the one that always said the papers and tar will give you cancer but weed in a bowl is all natural?"
"Yeah well, I'm trying to cut back. The kid and all." It's not just the kid.
"Tam lets you smoke cigarettes around him?"
"Fuck no. I have to take a goddamn shower if I step out for the occasional smoke or toke. She's like the substance Nazi now, but half her diet is processed granola bars and Starbucks and pasta, and he eats from her, you know."
"So this is the problem? You and Tam have differences of opinion on parenting issues?"
"No, no. It's all good there. She's a great mom in every way. Not everybody can stand to eat like me, and she's actually eating a lot healthier than anytime I've ever known her."
"So what's up?"
I take a long drag. "Adam. Don't laugh, okay? And...don't judge me."
"Shit," he mumbles. "Pregnant fangirl?"
I laugh. "Learned my lesson there, man. This dick ain't been bare since I sent my boys on the expedition that made Ollie."
"That mean-ass Angel about to release one of your home pornos?"
"No. I've got all those."
"Do not tell me you're fucking Ben Sullivan's wife while he is out securing our Little Sister?"
"Jesus, Fuck! No. Hell fucking no!"
Adam sighs. "Thank fuck. I'm all out, man. Waitâyou didn't have a crazy orgy that ended up dude on dude, did you?"
"Right, that's exactly it."
"Okay. Well, experimentation at your age is normal. Whatever you are feeling about your experience is okay..."
"Shut the fuck up, man, and be serious."
"Sorry. I think living with my parents and contemplating impending fatherhood is causing me to temporarily revert to an stupid-as-shit-teenager."
"Then get the hell out of Nashville and bring my Macaroni home."
"Naw man, she loves it here. She likes drivin' the tractor way out in the far fields. And the boat way out to the most secluded coves. Where nobody can hear her, you know what I mean?" He snickers. "She really likes the tractor, for some reason...although it is getting harder to manage on it, with her belly..."
"Adam, for real. That's my fucking sister, and I need the Preacher right now, not my lecherous rock star brother-in-law."
"Okay, okay. It gets boring with only upstanding Christians to talk to. Sorry. Shoot, man. I'm here for you."
I take a few more drags. Adam waits patiently. Finally, I say. "Okay, I think this is best framed in the form of a question."
"Okay."
"Adam..."
Silence. While he waits for me to ask the question.
Finally, he says, "Yeah, Leed?"
"Adam...how did you know you were in love with my sister?"
Silence.
"Adam?"
"Hang on. You need a cigarette, I need a bourbon for this."
I hear the soft sounds of cabinets opening and liquor glugging in a glass. Then another door closing, like he's stepped outside.
"Are you fucking serious, man? You're in love with Ashlynn?"
"I don't know, I don't know. I just...something happened today, and it's like...she's all I can feel. I'm here at my house, and she's not...but...she's here, you know? With me. And goddamn...she's got serious shit. And it scares the fuck out of me but all I want to do is jump in the shit with her and make it...less shitty, you know?"
"I do know. All that, it's a good thing, man. A real good thing."
"But is it love? I don't fucking know. And here's the craziest fucking part of all, AdamâI haven't even slept with her."
"Wow," Adam says. "Wow."
"So, it can't be love, right? I mean, love is something that grows on you and wears you down, right? You get the feels going pretty good and the fucking just right and it gradually just dawns on you that it's not going to get much better so you might as well give up the fight, call it a day and declare it love, right? Adam, you gotta tell me, man. I'm jumping the gun here, right? Probably coming down with the flu or something and it's effecting my chi? How did it happen for you and Mac? Was it the kid? Was it the time on tour? Was it the years of building a sexual repertoire that got so much better than all the meaningless fan fucking?"
"That's a fucked up notion of love you have, Leed. That love wears you down and you call it a day? You better get another cigarette, man."
"Fuck," I say and spark another one up. "Well set me straight then. How was it? How did you know?"
"Remember the first full Soundcrush rehearsal? When you brought Mac in?"
"Of course."
"I was into her from the second she walked in, but it was just her way, her look, and of course the way she played those damn keys. I wanted her. I gave her a ride back to her dorm. She took me to her room and...offered. I didn't know she had been sitting behind me in music theory all fall semester and hearing me talk with this girl I was hooking up with and she was crushing on me. All I knew was I just met her and even though I felt something, she was your sister and in the band now, so I said...us hooking up was not a good idea, the band and all. The way she lookedâso hurt, so rejected. Crushed. That's the moment I fell in love with her, but I didn't know it quite yet. I just knew it was killing me to see her disappointed. I left, for like five minutes. Rode the elevator down. Knew...I was walking away from my one shot. I rode back up. When she opened the door, she's taken all that dark make-up off, but she was angry. Still hurt. I said something flirtyâdon't even remember whatâand she smiled. That real sweet smile that hardly anyone but you or me sees."
I smile myself. "Yeah, I know the one."
"That was it. I was in love. Of course I took her to bed, and it was the best night of my life that far, so the sex made me know for sure, but it was the smile. Knowing I caused it and knowing I always wanting to cause it. Like you said...wanting to make things less shitty."
"Fuck. That's what I was afraid of." I light another cigarette.
"Welcome to the club, man. You should probably follow through on some of that serious sex you were talking about, though. Take the edge off, reassure yourself."
"Adam...I need to ask you something else."
"'Kay."
"How did you...handle things with Mac? After her assault? Was it...difficult? Or different?"
Adam blows out a long breath.
"Shit, that's rough. Like Ash hasn't been through enough with the brain trauma and addiction."
"No fucking shit. I don't know exactly what we've got to overcome there. She's been through something bad with a man. Or maybe with more than one. I don't know."
"Mac and I always connected in bed, from the very start. I think if anything, her assault underscored the trust we had and...she'd had a year of therapy before we got back together. We've never had any triggers come up in bed. I think it would probably be a different situation with you and Ashlynn. You're starting from the whole different end of a relationship. Ultimately you are gonna have to go to the source for guidance. Ashlynn is the only one that can help you there. I guess the only advice I could give you is...you gotta built trust there. Mac and I already had that, from before. You're gonna have to build that."
"That makes a lot of sense, Adam. Trust. I think you're totally right about that. Thanks, man. Listen, I gotta go, get back to the Cub and all."
"Sure."
"Give Mac my love."
"Course. Hey Leed..."
"Yeah, man?"
"What was the thing?"
"You'll think it's stupid."
"Naw, man. Tell me."
"She kissed me on my foreheadâon my third eyeâ and I saw...I saw everywhere I've never been but want to go. Macchu Piccu. Mt Kailash in Tibet. The source of the Ganges. The Uluru summit in Australia. But I saw it all in her eyes. Like maybe together we'll make it to those places. Or maybe not. Maybe all those places exist in her, for me. Like she's the best adventure I could ever have, and I want to give her the world, too."
Adam is silent for a long moment.
"That's beautiful, but you are so fucking fucked."
I like this chapter. Leed and Adam are so different, so its funny and nice to see them bonding for a change, don't you think? Kat and Ashlynn, next!