The rest of my week followed its usual pattern. The fact I was sleeping somewhat consistently, for more than only an hour or two a night, was the only variation â though a pleasant one. I tried not to overthink why that may be so, tried to stop my mind from associating the late-night calls and sleepily utter goodnights as a welcome comfort I had been searching for. I liked to pretend I didn't hang up those calls, the one's where he fell asleep before we'd both offered our goodbyes, because I shortly fell asleep too. The calming lull that came with Caleb's soft breaths as he fell asleep felt too vulnerable a truth to share. It felt like crossing a line, an invasion of something I wasn't quite sure I could name.
So, I listened to his even breaths in the dead of night, allowing my chest to rise and fall in time with his own, and imagined â a devilish and unwelcome thought â that the phone wasn't separating us.
On Thursday Aaliyah managed to speak with me alone. It wasn't uncommon; out of all the friends I had neglected these past few years she was one that stuck around regardless. It wasn't that I didn't care, maintain friendships had just become too much of a challenge. Speaking to people was becoming harder and my social battery was running on empty.
I was just lucky Marcus and Shane had stayed. I don't think they could ever understand how much that meant to me.
"I just wanted to see how you were." She asked me after English, the only class we had together. My usual response of fine didn't please her much. "Okay, if you don't want to talk about it, we don't have to. I'm here, though, whenever. That wasn't all," she said, walking in step with me towards the canteen.
Her tone had taken on a mischievous lint, and I eyed her suspiciously. "Go on."
"So," she turned around, skilfully walking backwards in the semi-crowded hall, "Lucas?"
"What about him?"
"Well, I don't want to pry," and yet she was, "but you went back to his, so I'm just curious what that's about."
"We're friends." When she shot me a look I emphasised, "just friends. He took me back to his because I was drunk."
"I would've believed that if one," she held up her pointed finger, "you weren't blushing right now, two," a second "you didn't already have someone to take you home because you were drunk, and three," a third "you weren't holding his hand whenever you could when I know you don't really enjoy physical contact." Her hand was now held up proudly, the three fingers taunting me.
"He's a friend. He was looking after me the way a friend would, nothing more."
She regarded me for a moment. Her expression was unnerving, and I shifted awkwardly in my spot. We'd stopped just before the entrance to the canteen, and I debated just running away from her, but I knew she'd just follow. "Do you want it to be something more?"
"Aaliyah." I pleaded.
"Okay, okay." Her hands were held up in surrender, but her mischievous expression told me this conversation was far from over.
"Let's go bowling." Aaliyah announced once we'd reach the table.
"Bowling?" Voices piped up in surprise.
"Come on," Aaliyah drawled, "all you guys do together is drink. Let's do something else for a change." Her expression was pleading, urging the group to accept the request and her final, "It'll be fun," solidified her success. A chorus of agreements sounded around the table, some hesitant and others buzzing with excitement.
"You should bring Lucas." Aliyah said to me once the interrupted conversations had resumed and chattering recommenced.
I rolled my eyes, muttering "I'll ask" as I sat down beside Marcus. I wasn't sure if Lucas would want to spend his Friday night bowling with a group of highschoolers but couldn't deny that I wanted to see him.
When I rang Lucas that evening, he happily agreed to come along. Bates wanted to join as well, claiming he was a bowling champion and would "whoop everyone's asses". With my lack of athletic ability, I wasn't in any position to oppose.
I wondered if there was something wrong with me when his quick agreement didn't fill me with happiness. I felt it, but that feeling was overshadowed by something darker. A looming presences that often beckoned me to join it. To lock myself in my room with it as my only companion and hide from the world for a while; pretend I didn't exist, and life wasn't real.
Sometimes I wished I didn't exist in my mind. The thoughts it harboured were at times even too hard for me to live in.
At times I felt peace, like the storm raging inside me had calmed and the waves settled. Though the clouds never cleared, always lingering in the not so far distance. Always waiting and ready to change with the tides.
Even though I knew this, I was never prepared. Never fully equipped to deal with the predictable. Was it self-sabotage?
I'd tried to right myself, to head towards the sun filled sky and calm waters, but it seemed once my mind had set course, I was unable to change it. I was travelling towards the choppy seas with no way to turn the boat around.
Instead, I would attempt to do what I often did, pretend. I would go to the bowling alley and hang out with my friends. I would laugh and joke, tell stories and do stupid things without a care in the world. I would live like a normal seventeen-year-old should while temporarily blinding myself to reality.
I wasn't sure when lying had become so natural, so easily accepted.
Even my parents couldn't offer me the out I was searching for. For once they were all for the idea of me going out and socialising. Aaliyah coming to my house for dinner may have had something to do with it. Her charm knew no bounds.
We met the others outside the bowling alley at 7pm. With a promise to be home no later than 11, my parents waved us out the door and we hopped in the car, friendly chatter filling the space and we headed towards our destination.
The bowling alley sat on the outskirts of town. On the border between us and the city. It had a large sign with a light up bowling pin that moved from side to side. The neon lights were a beacon to all kids within reach.
As one of only a few recreational places in the small town we call home, the bowling alley drew a crowd. Familiar faces passed us by as we lurked outside.
The air was shifting, the fall temperatures slowly falling as mid-October bled into winter. I pulled my jacket tighter around me as my only protection from the wind.
"Are we using funny names?"
"What are we, eight?"
"Don't be mean." Niamh whined and Shane stuck his tongue out in response.
"Oh, how about loser has to do a forfeit?" Marcus suggested.
"No alcohol involved," Aaliyah pointed her finger accusingly in this direction.
Marcus held his hands up in surrender. "No alcohol, don't worry we can easily think of a forfeit not including alcohol."
"Okay, a bit of a competition then? I'm good with that."
"Yeah, I hope you're all prepared to lose. And," Shane's tone was far too eager, "I'm going to think of a great forfeit. Caleb?"
I drew my attention to the group. While I had heard what they'd said, I hadn't really been listening. Does that even make sense? The world was moving too fast and my mind too slow.
I hummed in acknowledgment, words escaping me.
"Have you even been listening?"
"Not really?"
"We were saying," Marcus began again, re-pitching his forfeit idea. I agreed and let them discuss what the punishment could be, offering a nod or hum of agreement when my opinion seemed relevant.
My attention was drawn away as a familiar car entered the parking lot. My eyes followed Lucas' movements as he walked towards us, his feet soon coming to a stop in front of my own, Bates beside him.
My eyes scanned his face â not as subtility as I would've hoped â and my attention settled on the single dimple that appeared on his left cheek. I'd never noticed that before.
He greeted me before turning towards the group and listened as I introduced everyone. Once names were given and greetings shared, we headed inside.
There was a games desk to the right of the entrance with a - very limited - selection of arcade games set up in rows around it and a singular pool table. The table was well worn, with three cues and a missing striped nine ball that had since been replaced with a white ball drawn on with sharpie.
It had been there for years, and I was sure it would remain until it fell apart completely.
To the left of the entrance was a food counter that offered budget friendly fast food that tasted as such. Several tables surrounded it, all cheap, rickety, with stains on them so engrained in the table that they've become part of the design.
We'd booked a lane in advance, unsure of how easy it would be to get in on a Friday-night without one. Looking around the large room, buzzing with energy and filled with life, the recognisable sound of balls hitting the solid floor and pins crashing over, I knew it was the right decision.
"Bowling just makes me think of Wii sports." Lucas trailed behind me as we walked towards our assigned lane. His gaze travelled around the space with a look of nostalgia; many days of our youth were spent in this building, "The little Mii's spinning around when the ball went flying backwards. Ah, those were the days."
"You're making yourself sound like an old man."
"I'm starting to feel like an old man. My bones are all rickety and my knees crack when I bend down. This is the end of my Caleb."
"How sad."
"Really, that's it? When I drop dead in front of you, you're just going to say, "How sad"?"
"Well, it is sad. Do you want me to cry, will that make you feel better?"
"Yes please. I want a teary speech about how brilliant I am that makes everyone cry."
"You do know, do you?"
He hummed in agreement, "You can also mention how great I am at bowling, it's only fitting."
"You're not even that great."
"Don't be bitter because you suck."
I huffed in annoyance."I'm completely ready to lose."
His laugh was soft, ever melodic music to my ears. After a minute he said, "Don't worry, I have enough confidence in you for the both of us."
"You just told me I suck."
"You can't still be that bad. I have faith."
"Well, that is sorely mistaken. Prepare to be disappointed."
While my first roll was in fact a disaster- two gutter balls â Lucas' laugh, that he tried and failed to hide, made it almost worth it.
Even though I wasn't overly competitive, I didn't want to lose and my score, or resounding lack thereof, brought an embarrassed blush to my face.
"It was only your first go," Lucas said reassuringly, "think about it this way, you can't possibly do any worse."
"I'll give you a wave from the podium." Shane retorted as he passed us, bowling ball in hand as he waited for the lane to reset.
"Please don't let him get the highest score." My eyes found Lucas', our height difference causing my head to tilt up slightly.
"You want me to win for you?" Lucas' eyes raised in question, a teasing glint in his eyes drawing out a quiet "Please" from me. His eyes widened lightly, the only evidence he'd heard my plea. I regretted the word leaving my tongue, not even fully sure what I was asking him for or why my tone sounded far too vulnerable.
Bates scoffed, peering around Lucas to looking at me. "Shane won't win, I assure you, but neither will Lucas. I told you on the phone," he stretched his arms out in front of him, his fingers cracking with an audible pop, "bowling is my thing."
Bates wasn't lying. His first ball was a strike. He rolled a spare on his second go and then a strike again on his third.
Lucas and Shane were equally impressive. It was a close competition between those in the front. A palpable tension filled the air, full of banter and friendly taunts as they fought for victory.
There was equally a competition for those at the bottom of the score board, the remainder of us doing our best not come last.
Lucas' words of encouragement and wide smile pulled me out of the daze I seemed to be living in slightly. For a moment I felt more like myself than I had in a while.
I rolled my ball will a newfound vigour, wanting to impress and anything more than a gutter ball did the trick.
"You're just as shit as I remember." Marcus said as he sat beside me, taking the place of Lucas who was picking a ball from the rack.
"I love that you believed in me." I spoke, my eyes briefly glancing towards him before focusing back on Lucas. "It seems to be a common occurrence."
"Not at all. I think there's a chance you might not come last, but even that's slim." My mouth dropped into an unintentional pout that caused him to laugh.
Lucas knocked eight pins down on his first roll, the other two on his second, giving him a spare. He turned around with a bounce in his step, his eyes meeting mine as he smiled.
"Why do I have to follow that." I moaned as I stood up. Lucas' body brushed past mine as we swapped spaces.
"Maybe try a heavier ball?" He suggested before sitting down.
"Oh, sure, a heavier ball that I can barely pick up. That's going to do wonders." I muttered to myself. I waited in anticipation as the ball rolled. Nothing could stop the wide grin on my face as the sound of pins falling drifted to my ears.
I could hear cheers behind me. Words of astonishment at my, not only successful bowl, strike.
I spun around taking slow steps back to the group. My eyes unintentionally sought those familiar brown, my happiness reflected in his.
"I got a strike!"
"You got a strike!" His tone matched my energy. Shane carried on around us, my success only a momentary accomplishment brushed passed as the game continued. Lucas focused on me.
At some point Marcus had moved, where to I didn't care to look as I plopped down in the seat he'd vacated.
"I'm so surprised right now." I admitted.
"You did good."
"Yeah? It was a one-off fluke but I'm so happy."
"I'm happy for you. Maybe this is your comeback moment."
"Oh yeah, get ready to lose now Lucas. I have found my mojo."
"Your skill is unmatchable. I'm feeling very intimidated."
I did not hit another strike. My scores got increasingly better, and I hit a pin on every go, even if it was only one, but I was in no way a threat.
I didn't come last and that was achievement enough.
"I am victorious!" Bates shouted once he took his final go. He held his hands high in the air, a smug look on his face.
Shane was not impressed. "All right we get it." He huffed.
"What Shane? Can't deal with losing?" Bates taunted.
Shane's glare was answer enough. "Niamh got the lowest score." He said, moving the attention to her.
She rolled her eyes in annoyance. "Alright, what does everyone want?"
A chorus of different foods sounded through the group as we followed closely behind her to the counter.
"You know, you scored higher than Shane as well?" I said to Lucas as we brought up the rear. He laughed.
"I know, but I think if I bring it up, he might pop a blood vessel. Poor guy looks about ready to lose it."
"He's quite competitive."
"It's fun. Bates is too so they match each other's energy." We watched as the two boys continued bickering in front of us.
"I miss my brothers." The words fell out of my mouth without my permission, but I couldn't deny the truth to them. Looking at Bates and Shane playful argue made me think of them. How much I missed their presence in the house even if it annoyed me. How much I longed to return to a house filled with laugher and chatter. To brothers that would crowd my room, taking up my space as their own as we joked around, played games, and watched films. Back to when we were younger, and they were still around all the time. Lucas' fingers brushed against mine, his body a reassuring presence. He was here.
"You talk on the phone a lot?"
"Yeah, but it's not the same, is it?"
"I don't know." Lucas was an only child. I suppose in the three of us filled that gap in some ways. "I always wanted siblings though, whenever I saw you guys it made me think of what I might've missed out on."
"Do you still think you missed out?"
"No. Adam was more than just my best friend and you guys were always more than just his brothers. I know it's not the same, but I miss him too. It's just weird going from seeing someone all the time, to living completely separate lives. At least I still have you."
"Ah, so I'm Adam's replacement." I teased. He hesitated mid step, his head turning and eyes boring into mine with an intensity I didn't quite understand.
"No. Definitely not."
â
A/N:
I'm sorry it's been so long! Things have been busy and I hurt my wrist so typing wasn't fun. I'll trying being a bit more consistent now.
I absolutely suck at bowling so I feel for Caleb. Barriers go up for me i'm that bad.