Sometimes you do something stupid and it doesn't hit you until after the fact. You don't even realise until someone points it out. In my case I didn't realise until it came back to bite me.
At the time I never considered the implications. I never questioned that such an innocent action could be misconstrued and used against me.
Though none of this surprised me at all, not really.
Not when my father barged into my room a while after we'd returned from Church, red faced with rage simmering beneath the surface. Not when tears glistened in my mother's eyes as she questioned once again what she had done wrong and asked how she could fix me. Not when my explanations and protests were ignored and overlooked, my words lacking weight.
I should have been surprised when he grabbed me; when I was dragged to the living room and he heated up the fire poker. I should have screamed, shouted and begged for him to stop when the hot metal touch my now unclothed skin. But I didn't.
A prayer was recited by the pair, familiar words easily leaving their lips, and I took my cue when it arrived. We were actors in a well rehearsed play, ours lines so ingrained that they could be spoken without much thought, I uttered my line, an "Amen", when it was needed.
My mother carried on speaking words of the Lord, her attempt at casting away the devil. My father reheated the poker.
I stood, shaking in pain with tears silent falling down my cheeks as they preached about the sin of homosexuality. I listened to their scolding and words of hate as they branded my skin, forever marking this moment on my body.
As much as I tried not to, their words, the incessant spouting of disgust, found its way into my body. The fresh wound on my abdomen allowed them easy access into my bloodstream and my body was too weak to fight.
The words began to feel like truth, though I suppose they always had.
All because I was seen getting out of a car belonging to a boy. A boy who was not Marcus or Shane.
My truth - the truth - was ignored. Our neighbour Sandra's words placed higher than mine: the car was unfamiliar, our bodies too close together and the boy was no one she knew. In conclusion, I was up to no good. I had lied so that I could sneak around and do ungodly things with a boy. I had learnt nothing. I was not better.
So I stood in shame, my mutilated torso exposed as I received the first of my punishments. Harsh lines finding their home on an already littered canvas.
After my second branding the poker was set aside. My father forced me to the ground and his hands stayed resting on my shoulders, his firm weight holding me down until my mother returned with a copy of the Bible. She passed it to my father before taking a seat on the couch behind me. I remained knelt on the ground.
"James 4:7," my father announced before beginning to read out said passage. "'Submit yourself, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."
Several short readings later, all reminding me of the importance of resisting the devil, the power given to us to do such a thing and the need for a pure heart, it was my turn.
My father once again turned the pages in the Bible, carefully flitting through until he reached that which he searched for.
"Leviticus 18:22." He announced.
A large portion of my free time had been spent reading the Bible. My parents used it as a way to educate me; to help guide me on the right path by teaching me the way of the Lord. That way I could live life accordingly.
I needed to learn it to be able to follow it. So they tested me, they like to see how committed I was and learning passages of the Bible was one of the ways they thought useful in doing so.
I often failed the tests, but Leviticus I knew. It was a passage brought up too often for me not to.
"You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination." I recited, my voice strained as my abdomen throbbed in pain.
"Again." I repeated the line twice more, my tone increasing in conviction each time to please.
"Leviticus 20:13."
I swallowed anxiously. The words tasted bitter on my tongue, but I said them nonetheless.
"If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them."
I recited that five times, until he was satisfied.
"Do you understand son?" My mother's hand gentle moved through my hair, her touch as sweet as her words, yet they stung my open wounds.
"Yes."
"Then tell us. What is Leviticus saying?"
"Homosexuality is a sin. A man should not be with another man."
"It is an abomination." My father's words were sharp, one of the many weapons he wielded so well. "He is condemning homosexuality, deeming it punishable by death. Do you wish for death Caleb?"
"No."
"Do you with to enter the gates of heaven?"
"Y-yes."
"Then why do you sin?"
I stayed silent, it felt like there was nothing I could say. My father slammed the Bible onto the coffee table. The harsh sound reverberated through the living room making my body tense with anxiety. I lowered my head in fear of what was to come.
"Answer me boy." He moved closer, a predator stalking his prey. "Tell me why you sin."
"I-I-," a firm hand grasped my chin, yanking my head up until my eyes reached his fiery gaze.
"You're an abomination." He spat with disgust. "You have committed shameful acts, lay with the devil, and now blood is upon you."
My mother soon entered my field of vision.
"Just like Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding cities, whose punishment was eternal fire for indulging in sexual immortality and pursuing unnatural desires." The grip on my chin relaxed, his callous hand inside laying to rest around my neck. "This was the punishment you deserve, for having such unnatural desires, and that's what they are, aren't they?"
I nodded, albeit difficulty with the hand grasping throat.
"Use your words Caleb." The hand gave my neck a brief squeeze, my airways constricting momentarily.
I managed to get out a hoarse "Yes."
"Yes what, sweetheart?"
"This is the punishment I deserve for having unnatural desires." His hand moved completely, my body swaying slightly as it now attempted to hold itself up.
"Good, but this punishment isn't enough. You still haven't learnt, you still don't understand." Her tone had saddened, "you've already been overtaken by the devil, but it's not too late. If you don't have the strength to cast out the devil out yourself, we will help cast him out for you. Because we love you Caleb."
My mother left only to return a minute later with a small bottle of oil. It was one given by the pastor, it had been exorcised and thus could be used to cleanse.
My mother poured a drop of oil onto her hand before approaching me. I remained still as she rubbed the oil in a pattern on my forehead. I listened as she called to expel the evil from within me; her call for a cleaning of my soul. My father joined her for a final prayer.
I was then dragged to the dark room. My mouth was taped shut, any protest trapped within me. Shackles were place around my wrists, holding me further captive; a captive to both my body and this room.
I could only look out in fear as the door was closed and darkness encased me. I hear the clock of a lock before footsteps retreated and I was left with my erratic breathing and fast beating heart.
The terror was all consuming, the remaining pain long forgotten as panic overwhelmed me. My restrained limps fought against their hold, but it was futile. Even if the shackles were removed, there was no escaping this room, this black abyss.
Breathing became a battle, the tape another opponent in the war and I was losing, fast. I could feel myself slip, my body swaying as my body tried to get me to cooperate.
I couldn't think rationally. Not when there was no light. Not when I was trapped in such a small room. Not like this.
My body soon gave up, my limbs going slack as I welcomed the escape I was pulled to.
â
A/N:
If you came for romance then sorry, Caleb's life isn't that easy. If you're reading along, thoughts so far?
I've realised I prefer writing in 3rd person, but hey-ho, a bit too late to do anything about that with this story. I do think though that more people on this app prefer reading 1st person, is that true?