The weekend brought a much-needed reprieve from the struggles of the past two weeks. My parents, albeit reluctantly, allowed me to spend Friday night at Shane's and I planned to use it to my full advantage.
There was nothing I wanted more than to lose myself. Maybe it was wrong, showed some underlying addiction and problem I blinded myself from, but the mind-altering substances called to me like no other.
A burning needed to feel something lead me straight into the devil's clutch; My parents would be disgusted. My already corrupt soul further damned to the point of no redemption. Maybe I'm just digger a path further to hell. I belong there anyway.
Heaven is no place for sinners.
Yet when the drugs enter my system, I no longer care about those things. My parent's words occupy my thoughts no more. Instead, I am nothing, and this emptiness is a welcome one.
Marcus and I brought a change of clothes with us to school so we could all just head straight over to Shane's place at the end of the day. Marcus did it because he didn't live close by, and me because I took every measure possible to avoid my parents. Better safe than sorry.
Shane's parents were in when we arrived and offered us quick greetings on their way out.
"There's food in the fridge that you boys can reheat." Mrs Redcliff said as she hovered around the door. "Be good," she pointedly glanced at all of us, her tone stern whilst still maintaining that motherly care, "stay safe. Your brother is in so try not to antagonise him too much, please."
It was a plea she made every time they were left alone in the house together, I was sure, though it changed nothing. Shane and Matt would annoy each other any chance they got. Mischief and mayhem ran through their veins. It was their way of showing each other affection. I knew because mine and my brother's relationship was the same.
I remember all the times my parents would come home to the chaos we would cause. Once when we were younger Adam got so annoyed with Bailey not listening to him that he threw his shoes out his bedroom window. I'll never understand why he chose to do that, but as an impartial third party I just stood by and laughed.
They made up not too long afterwards, after Adam Bailey promised to leave his room and help with the chores and Adam went outside to collect his shoes. It was simply one of many stories we accumulated over our childhood.
"We'll be back late," Mr Redcliff spoke as he joined his wife at the front door. They were both dressed to the nines, Mrs Redcliff in an elegant cocktail dress and Mr Redcliff in a blue suit. Both look stunning, a picture-perfect couple, and I admired the love still shared between the two.
Mr Redcliff shot us a knowing glance as he opened the door, waiting until his wife stepped outside before speaking in a hushed voice, "I expect, if you boys go out, you either get back before we do, or -.
"We're gonna stay at Aaliyah's, if that's all good?" Shane interjected. His dad nodded, tell us that he though staying there would be a better idea before offering a final goodbye and following after his wife out the door.
Shane's parents knew we drank. They understood it was something done at this point in our lives and were accepting of it... to a point.
They would get us alcohol only if we stayed in either Shane's house or Aaliyah's.
Aaliyah was part of the larger social circle the three of us resided in. My relationship with most in the group was almost non-existent now, but Aaliyah didn't seem to mind when I couldn't conjure up the effort to speak. When I avoided everyone, she didn't mistake it for rudeness and when I chose not to hang out with them, she took no personal offence. She was kind and caring and asked how I was in a way that told me she really wanted to know. Even though I'd distanced myself, she was still someone I would call a friend. I just hated that I couldn't be a good one in return.
Aaliyah was one of the excuses we consistently used when we planned to go out drinking. Shane's parents knew her and thought she was responsible â more than us three. This trust allowed us to drink at her house, thus providing the perfect alibi.
Aaliyah would come out with us sometimes, but she doesn't drink as per her religious beliefs. After incessant badgering though, today she. With Aaliyah not drinking, her and Shane decided he would drive us to the club and her on the way back to save on taxi fare.
Unfortunately, this meant Shane was unable to pre-drink, a fact he wouldn't stop complaining about.
"Tell me again why I agreed to this?" He huffed, collapsing down on his bed.
"Because it'll be cheaper?"
"Yeah, but I'm gonna have to buy loads of drinks in there so really, how much am I saving?"
"I think you'll survive." I looked at Shane's pouting face with an eyebrow raised, and amusement clear in my expression. Shane just groaned in annoyance before rolling over and stuffing his face into his pillow.
Marcus glance at me over the mess that was Shane in the middle of the bed and gestured towards the game console beside the TV on Shane's dresser.
"Wanna play?"
By nine o'clock me and Marcus had begun drinking. By ten we were feeling tipsy and by eleven Shane's was ushering us out the door as fast as possible so he could finally reach our level himself.
Aaliyah lived a twenty or so minute drive away and within minutes of us pulling up, her and Sara â another of our friends â were out of the house, in the car and we were on the road again.
I didn't listen as they spoke. My mind had begun its decent into a hazy bliss and I wanted to revel in the welcome feeling.
Shane was a reckless drive, an action that normally unnerved me but was now replaced with excitement. We moved at a speed untouchable. I reached my arms out of the window as if the sky was water and I could dip my hands in. As if it was close enough for me to feel the clouds beneath my fingertips. The wind pushed back against my movements, a comforting resistance grounding me to the present. Reminding me I was a part of the earth and not sky.
I let the feeling of freedom wash over me. My body welcoming the breeze, the breath of life. The soft caress of my skin like a lover claiming my body. For once my mind stopped. The world stilled and all that remained was me, the music I could only faintly hear over the wind, and the dark of the night.
Marcus was in the back of the car, occasionally whooping in glee as the car sped faster down the empty street. The two girls beside him joined in occasionally, when not engaged in conversation.
Our voices were an out of tune symphony of happiness. Our form of expression without words.
My body moved to the music of its own accord. I could feel the beat within me, as if me and the sound were one. I wanted to close my eyes, to relish in the feeling, but I couldn't pull them away from the sky.
The noise soon picked up as we entered the city. It felt later than it was, though when I looked at the clock on the dash it was just reaching twelve.
When we reached the queue to the club it stretched down the street, groups of people buzzing with a palpable excitement I fed off. I was practically jumping up and down by the time we made it to the front of the line. The bouncers didn't spare out ID's any more than a fleeting glance before waving us inside.
As soon as we were in the building Shane dragged me with him to the bathroom, our companions heading off to the bar. Different forms of poison entered our bodies before we reconvened somewhere on the dance floor.
When Shane passed me the bag I didn't refuse. I never do. In fact, this is what I had wanted, what I had been craving.
I could feel when it hit me, the world suddenly becoming both more and less. More noise, more feeling, more being. Less presence, less sense, less me. Does that make sense? Does it matter?
The two of us stumbled out of the stall, no other occupants batting an eye at the fact. From the bathroom you could still hear the thumping bass of the music and we made quick work of getting onto the dance floor. It took a while to locate our friends, neither of us really trying too hard in the first place. They were here together somewhere, it was fine.
Instead, we just danced. I didn't care that my limbs moved uncoordinatedly. I didn't care that I lacked any sense of rhythm. I just didn't care. I loved when a song came on that I knew, and I could allow myself to be absorbed by it. That for a few minutes it was just me and the song. My body interpreting it in its own way and expressing that.
Marcus and the girls had joined at some point, but my attention only moved away from the music briefly before I was lost in my own world again. I don't know how long I danced for - minutes or hours I couldn't tell - but soon I found myself being pulled away from the others.
Marcus dragged me to the outside area under the pretence that we needed fresh air when really he wanted to smoke.
"It's only when I'm drunk." He would offer in defence when his habit was brought up. Personally, I didn't care. Who was I to judge?
Even outside my body still moved itself, though this time to keep me warm. The crisp night air was a shock that I didn't enjoy. I scanned my eyes across the people in curiosity. The small space was crowded, bodies filling every corner; most were smoking, some were outside for the fresh air, and other clearly done for the night. I wondered what everyone was thinking, every life so different yet woven together in some way. We all stood in the same place, but our experience, our past, presents and futures, so very different.
I brought my attention back to Marcus as he fished a cigarette out of his jacket before frowning at it.
"How do I...?" He spun it around in his hand a few times before confidently putting the wrong end in his mouth. "I don't have a light. I need it on fire. Fire, fire, fire." He clicked his fingers in thought and before I could say anything he was away.
The group behind us watched as he approached, and a boy stood with his lighter at the ready. After a few moments of fussing, Marcus returned to me, a grin on his face as he took his first drag.
"What a nice guy. The cigarette was the wrong way. I have no idea how that happened."
I just watched him. I watched as the words tumbled out of his mouth and were chased away by grey smoke. My eyes followed as it danced through the air, intricated swirls travelling further and further away until they evaporated.
My gaze shifted back to Marcus when my eyes could chase the cloud no more, my body now swaying as I hummed along to the music. Where was the music coming from?
"I can hear music... in my brain." I told Marcus.
"Where about in your brain?"
"Like, inside it."
"What music?"
Soon I was humming the song loud enough for him to hear.
"I can hear it too!" He exclaimed.
"Really?"
"Maybe our brains are like... connected."
"Wow. Maybe we need to be studied."
"I think you should be." A voice said from beside us. I looked to the speaker of the voice and smiled widely when I saw Lucas. Him and Bates were both watching us in amusement. When did they get there? What was so funny?
Thankfully Marcus voiced my question for me.
"A while ago."
"We didn't hear you." I said just so they knew we weren't ignoring them. "You guys were sneaky. Like ninjas."
"How drunk are you?" Bates asked glancing between two of us.
"This is the most I've ever been, ever." I responded. Crossfading was risky business, but I felt great.
After taking the final drag of his cigarette Marcus responded, "On a scale of 1 to Russian, I'm Vladimir Putin."
"Oh, I didn't realise dictators were involved. Let me try again." Before anything could come to mind the change in music distracted me. "Ooo, I love this song! We need to dance."