The next week was similar to every other, except after Saturday night's events my parents hovered around me more.
When we finally saw each other on Sunday I had received a lecture about how my actions reflect on the family. Regardless of what happened with the fire, rumours had been spread - stupid childish speculations - and now my parent felt threatened. The good reputations they had built was being questions and my mistakes were the cause.
They had a long debate on how to effectively reprimand me. I had already agreed to help at the Autumn fair, a yearly fundraiser for the Church held on the last Saturday in September. I was a late addition to the team and the majority of planning had already been done - with the event this weekend - but I was required to attend the week's meetings to receive a health & safety talk and be told what stall I would be running.
I was only expected to help out on Saturday, much to my parent's chagrin, with there already being enough volunteers signed up for Sunday. With Saturday being the most popular day of the event, I wasn't surprised.
Regardless, helping at this event wouldn't teach me what it needed to. I needed to learn how to properly behave. I was corrupt. A misguided soul that was damned and taking my family down with it.
I spent my nights in the dark.
Our house had a small cupboard under the stairs, large enough to use as a storage container but not much more. When I was younger my parents took to locking me in there as punishment. They would either sit outside and read me passages of the Bible or gave me time to reflect.
When they learnt I had a fear of the dark - I wonder where that came from - it became a form of punishment as well.
Still, it was used under the guise of a 'quiet place for self-reflection'. Never mind that I no longer comfortably fit in the space. Though I hadn't for years. Cue the claustrophobia... what a surprise.
When night came, I was taken to - more so dragged - into the cupboard.
I've taken to sleeping during lunch.
Thankfully come Saturday morning my parents assured that if I behaved, I would be allowed to sleep in my room again. I promised them I would.
The fair was partially set up by the time I arrived. It was half six and the cordoned off entrances to the square wouldn't open until nine. The next two hours saw to more than forty stalls being set up, all a variation of the same: tables placed under gazebos. There were food stalls, vendors selling homemade knickknacks and trinkets, and people running carnival games. I was one of the latter.
I was operating a games booth and had been given the run down on how to actually win, though the odd of that happening were just as bad as people expect. And yet there was still an almost endless flow of people intent on beating the game and wining one of the lucrative prizes.
The morning was a blur of fake smiles and forced small talk when all I really wanted was to sleep. But I had to be well behaved, I promised.
"Hey." A familiar voice spoke from behind me as I collected the balls left on the floor by the last participants failed attempt. A genuine smile appeared on my face as I looked at the boy before me, his dark brown eyes staring into my own.
"Hey there stranger."
"Fancy seeing you here."
"Small world, right? Would you like a go?" I asked. "You can win yourself one of these."
Lucas finally moved his eyes away from mine, following my hands as they gestured to the teddies hung up around me. His eyes narrowed while he analysed the booth as if he hadn't seen what it was when making his way over.
I was actually running one of my favourite carnival games. Not because I was good at it, but because to win there was an element of physics involved.
When it came down to it the 'Ball-In-Basket' was simple, don't just throw the ball straight in. The basket is more vital than just a final destination for the ball to reach, it can actually be used to help slow the speed of the ball and control it.
"Aren't these all rigged?" Lucas asked.
"They're... modified."
He laughed at my response, his eyes crinkling in amusement. "So that's a yes. Good thing I know someone who could give me a pointer or two." Lucas gave me a pointed glance, his eyebrow raising and a smirk appearing on his face as he continued, "Even better, why not prove to me it's winnable?" When I hesitated Lucas heckled, "Unless it's not actually possible."
"You sneaky little..."
Reluctantly I made my way out of the comfort of my booth, three balls in hand. More than just Lucas' eyes were on me, I could feel it, but I tried to not let it get to me.
Handing off two of my balls to Lucas, I focused on what I'd learnt. I practiced enough this morning when I had time to kill before opening that I knew I could do this. Still, something about Lucas' eyes on me made me nervous.
I wanted to impress him. I realised. I knew if I messed up, he wouldn't care, but I wanted him to be proud of me, even if it was just a stupid carnival game. So, I focused on the small white ball in my hands, and the brown basket in front of me.
Gently enough that it wouldn't jump back out, yet hard enough that it would reach, I threw the ball in the direction of the left side of the basket. The ball hit against the wall, its momentum moving it up and down the sides, but the limited force prevented it from hitting the back and bouncing out straight away. Instead, it slowed gradually before coming to a stop in the bucket.
With a pleased grin on my face, I turned to Lucas. His expression was everything I hoped to see and more.
"I'm still not sure they're winnable. I think you're just special." He said with a smile on his face.
"I guess it's time to see for yourself. You can win yourself this cute sloth." I said once I returned to my side of the booth.
"The sloth? No chance, if I'm winning, I'm getting the Jamaican banana."
"But the sloths so cute and the banana looks like he's stoned out of his mind." I complained while glancing at the two large prizes.
"Exactly, he's a cool dude and he's going home with me today."
Lucas did not win.
"How did you do that?" He whined after he'd thrown his fourth ball.
"I thought you were taking tips when you made me demonstrate for you?" When Lucas' complexion further darkened evidencing a blush forming on his dark skin, and he sheepishly avoided my eyes, I concluded, "You weren't really paying attention, were you?"
"That's not the point."
"Look, aim here, okay?"
Lucas threw another ball, this time aiming it at side of the bucket, but it once again bounced back out. After I told him to be gentler, and then finally actually complying with my request, three balls later he had successfully got the ball in the basket.
Lucas cheered and began jumping around in celebration, a few other people playing games beside him clapping and laughing along.
"Finally." I grumbled in faux annoyance.
"I did it." He was grinning and jumping on the balls of his feet like a child on a sugar high. It was adorable.
"Congrats." I said, a wide smile on my face. "But, I hate to break it to you, if you want to get the big prize you kinda need three balls successfully in the basket. Do you want to try, or just get one of the smaller prizes?"
"Go big or go home, right?" And Lucas went big. It seems after getting one in he Lucas had developed a knack for the game and did it easily.
After he got his third ball in and finished another celebratory dance I moved towards the stuffed teddy of his choosing. "One big Jamaican banana coming up."
"No, I want the sloth." He said as I was about to unhook the banana.
"But I thought-"
"I changed my mind." He shrugged when I turned to face him, but I complied with his request regardless.
"Okay, well, enjoy your sloth."
"Thanks."
"Are you here alone?" I asked after a minute of silence with Lucas just standing there, his eyes glancing between me and the giant sloth, a thoughtful look on his face.
"I came with my family, they're around somewhere, but I knew you were here somewhere and when I saw you I thought I'd come and say hello."
"So, you ditched your parents for me?"
"My parents, cousin, crazy aunt and uncle. It's a real family outing."
"Amara's back in town?"
"She's only here for the weekend so I should probably go back and actually speak to her."
Amara was Lucas' cousin and despite what it seems, they were really close. His aunt and uncle lived in town, but his cousin, who was four years older, had moved away for college and ended up getting a job and settled down there. She still made time to come back and visit, though flights weren't cheap and a weekend often felt too short. "Phone's exist for a reason," would also be her - very valid - argument when her parents complained.
"Give her Mr. Sloth as an apology for abandoning her." Lucas frowned briefly, a strange expression his face. As quick as it came it was gone and Lucas was back to smiling at me.
"She's probably run off somewhere by now herself."
"If not, she might need rescuing."
"No, if not, I don't think I'll make it out here alive. She's gonna be so mad. I'll see you later Cae."
"Bye. Tell the family I said hi." I waved him off before handing the next customers their balls. This was going to be a long day.
<>
With me needing to arrive early to set up and stay late to ensure everything was packed away safely and ready for the next day, I was able to avoid being a part of the large crowd the event accumulated. When Shane and Marcus decided we should go, I was forced to join the cattle being herded around the small space.
My parents made sure to speak with Mary and a few other members of the congregation who had volunteered when they picked me up yesterday. When they brought me up as the topic of conversation, the positive praises were enough to absolve me of any recent mishaps and I was once again allowed to sleep in my room and leave the house. Even if the fair was one of the last places on my list of where to go, anything was better than that cupboard.
Yesterday's sunshine was long gone, and the rain fell steadily as we made our way around the square. The gloomy weather felt like it was connected to my subconscious, the clouds slowly storming as we trudged further and further into a dark abyss. Pathetic fallacy, my literature teacher would be proud.
My eyes flittered over the sea of people looking for an escape if need be. I could already feel the panic creeping up within me. The unwanted grip of a hand on my throat, teasingly squeezing my airways.
There was a weight in my stomach that I was all too familiar with. I tried to allow Marcus' voice to distract me though his endless chatter was barely audible over the roaring crowd, or was it my heartbeat thundering in my ears?
Fear was a companion I had become all too familiar with. It hovered around me waiting to do its bidding. Suddenly every noise became background static and fear grasped my throat tighter, making my air ways restrict and panic seize me.
The space was too small, the noise too loud, the touches - the slight brushing of bodies against mine - unwanted.
I tried to relax my mind. I was so used to this experience that I found ways to cope, though it wasn't always successful.
When I was at home it was fine. Waking up after passing out from a panic attack used to be scary, my familiarity with them makes it easier, but in some ways, I guess that's worse. Having it happen in an unfamiliar location, in front of other people was on a whole other level.
I drew my gaze to my friends beside me who were too engrossed in their conversation to notice my distress. I was thankful for that. I didn't want them to know how much of a mess I was.
Things you can see. I focused on my surroundings in an attempt to ground myself. My breathing was ragged, my lungs burning, but I forced myself to pick out three things. A bird. Marcus. Shane.
Things you can hear. People talking. Laughter. Music.
Things you can feel. My nails digging into my palms. The shaky exhale of my breath.
I let myself focus more on my breathing, counting the length of my inhales and exhales until eventual I felt fear loosen its grip slightly.
"Cae, you good?" Shane asked me. I had gained their attention at some point and now they were looking at me in concern.
"Yeah, you're kinda pale, do you need to sit down? Or some food? Maybe sugar? That helps if people are gonna faint right?" Marcus rambled on, listing ways he could help even though he had no idea what was wrong. Eventually Shane punched him in the arm lightly, his way of indicating Marcus should shut up.
"Come on," he said as he reached for me.
Everything in me was screaming to not let him touch me, to back away and run, but I didn't want them to see me like that. And where would I even run? I was cadged in, trapped both physically and mentally. It would be easier to let Shane do the thinking for me. My skin crawled when his hand made contact, my body trembling, but I made no move to pull away. Instead, I let myself be guided away from the crowd until we reached an unoccupied bench.
"I'm fine." I said though my voice sounded foreign even to my own ears.
"Are you sure? You don't look alright." I could hear the concern still in his voice and though I appreciated it, this was my cross to bear. Just another thing on the list.
I offered a small smile though its execution didn't seem successful when both boys began fussing over me more.
Shane was checking my temperature while getting out his phone to call someone. Marcus had gone off on a quest for sugar, promptly returning with a bag of Haribo tangfastics and, after taking a handful for himself, shoved the whole bag in my grasp.
I took a few sweets and happily welcome the fizziness on my tongue. I closed my eyes ad focused on the taste, the fizziness of the sugar, the fruity flavour masked by the tangy sour coating. After eating a few I felt slightly more like myself, the sugar offering some energy into my drained body. My breathing had slowly evened out and the open space Shane had guided me to was helping calm my nerves.
The sudden clarity filled me with embarrassment, and I avoid the lingering gazes of my friends. I hated myself. I hated that my panic attacks were become more frequent to the point I was struggling to hide them. I didn't want them to know, they shouldn't know. I had to face this on my own.
"You've got more colour in you now, good shout with the sweets Marc."
Marcus beamed at the praise, a large smile spreading across his face. He replied with an eye role, "I can be helpful you know. Are you feelin' better now?"
"Yeah, thanks for, you know..." my voice faded off as I gestured vaguely around us. Both the boys seemed to grasp what I was saying and smiled in response before reassuring me that I didn't need to think them, it's what friends do.
"Let's go back to mine yeah? Even if you're feeling better, I think we should probably leave." I was glad for Shane's suggestion. The thought of staying here any longer was making me nauseous. I felt uncomfortable and, more than anything, embarrassed. I wanted nothing more than to curl into a ball and hide away from the world under my bed sheets.
Shane's house was the next best option I suppose. Home was not a place I knew anymore.
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A/N:
My chapters seem to just be getting longer, is that a good thing? It could have been two chapters, but idk, what's people's preference?
Anyway, thoughts so far? We're slowly getting into the heavier stuff so be prepared.