Kiara cocked her head to her side as Emre fidgeted. She watched as he ruffled his hair a couple of times, as he rubbed his nose a couple of times. Laughing, she flicked her hair over her shoulder, "I didn't realise it was that difficult of a question."
Emre looked at Kiara, and she noticed that there was a touch of pink on his cheeks. "It is," she watched as his throat bobbed as he answered her, "you're asking for the source of my inspirations. What if you steal it from me?". He smirked at her slightly leaning forward, and Kiara felt her breath hitch at the intensity in his eyes, the way the green in them seem to wink at her under the pale, whitewashed lights of the train compartment.
Kiara rolled her eyes, masking her nerves as she pouted, "Fine. Don't answer."
Emre squinted, looking at her underneath furrowed brows, "What was your inspiration for your composition, Kiara?"
Kiara released a heavy breath and chuckled lightly. "Okay, okay. I get it it's a personal thing. Sorry I asked," she sassed back at Emre, who chuckled as he looked away.
"My turn again," Kiara said excitedly, her voice ringing in the almost empty compartment, "Soooo, personal question again I guess...what do your parents say about you being in a band?"
Emre who was looking at his feet, kept his gaze trained there, nodding as though trying to arrange his thoughts. "Well, they weren't happy in the beginning you know. Which I guess it's understandable for them but after I took them to one of our shows, I think they finally got it. I mean I still get the occasional 'I'm wasting my life' lecture from my dad and mostly my uncles; but I figure I might as well do something that I love; even if it was wasting my life away," he looked up at Kiara and she flinched as his gaze seared through her.
That intensity that she kept getting glimpses of suddenly burned bright in his eyes and she could feel the licks of it all over her skin. She knew she was going to go home singed and scorched under the heat of Emre's gaze with the intensity of it leaving marks all over her.
Kiara inhaled deeply and stood up abruptly, walking towards the train doors. She could feel Emre move slowly behind her. His hand resting next to hers where she held the subway pole, her heart thudding in her chest. He had been doing this all night, getting increasingly close to her and now she wasn't sure if she wanted to push him away or pull him closer.
"This is our stop," he said behind her, almost in a whisper nose brushing against the tops of her hair his warmth radiating behind her as the train slowed to a stop. Kiara nodded shakily, as she let go of the pole, and pulled her coat tighter across her body. They had exited the station and Kiara almost squealed with glee at the sight before her as it seemed as they had stepped right into Times Square. Her eyes were flitting from one giant billboard to another. She almost ran to the middle of the square and stood in awe as she admired the multitude of bright lights. There were still people milling about around her, she could hear guffaws from the groups scattered about. She watched the happy faces of others as they stood close taking selfies.
She turned around to find Emre with his phone already out pointing at her. She smiled brightly knowing that he was taking her picture.
Extending her hand, "Let me see?"
Placing the phone in her outstretched hand, he walked up behind her.
"Can we take a selfie?" Kiara asked, chewing on her lip nervously as she waited for his answer. Emre nodded with a big smile and hunched next to her, bringing his face next to hers. Kiara could see him smiling on the screen, as she struggled to extend her arm to take the photo while keeping both of them in the frame.
"Here, let me," he rumbled out as he laughed. Emre pulled Kiara closer to him, his arm resting on her shoulder as he shifted his body, angling it to have Kiara tucked right under his chin. As she inhaled, she could smell the mixture of smoke, sweat, and his fading cologne. Her hands automatically came up to rest on his chest, and she felt him pull her in closer as they both smiled at the camera.
"That's a good one," Emre said, not once loosening his arms around her as he looked through the photos that they took.
"Send them to me?" Kiara murmured as she looked up at him from under her lashes.
"Later," he said, releasing her slowly. He took a couple of steps away from her as he cleared her throat.
Kiara nodded and followed Emre her mind racing with images of the both of them together. She bit her lip as she continued walking.
Shaking it off, she looked at him with a bright smile, "Okay Emre, pop quiz: can you guess how many Bollywood movies have been shot at Times Square?"
Kiara watched entranced the smile never leaving her face, as Emre chuckled, the dimples in his cheeks on full display. "I don't know," he said ruffling his hair as he shrugged.
"Come on, guess!" she giggled, as she skipped ahead of him and turned. Walking backwards as Emre walked forward.
Emre pursed his lips together and scrunched up his brows, trying seriously to think up a number, "something like 200 movies maybe?"
"Nope," she said gleefully, the happiness that was coursing through her body visible in every part of her body. "It's something like 500 the last time I checked," she said to him and tried to bite back her smile as his eyes widened at her answer. She knew it was useless trivia; something that neither one of them will ever need but the joy that she could share something totally completely useless with someone like Emre was almost euphoric. He didn't judge, he didn't make fun of her, and most importantly after a lifetime of it â he didn't ignore her.
"Woah, that's kinda amazing," Emre said, eyes wide with awe.
"It really is, isn't it?" she said stopping suddenly as she looked up once again at the blinking screens in front of her and exhaled loudly, her shoulders sagging as the tension left her body.
"I think I finally know what I want to be when I grow up," she said innocently staring up into billboards that displayed movie posters.
"What?" Emre said gruffly as he inched closer to her, she could feel his eyes never leaving her face.
Her gaze shot to him and with utter seriousness, she continued, "I want to make music for movies, for plays, anything that tells a story..." She waited expectantly for him, for a laugh, a chuckle, a sarcastic laugh. But all she saw was that same seriousness in Emre when he spoke about his music, when he spoke about chasing his dreams.
She bit her lips and continued shakily, "I want to make songs for Bollywood movies." Kiara turned away abruptly, exhaling a shaky breath. She waited for his laughter, she waited for him to tease her, but it didn't come.
"And I don't doubt that you will do it someday," he replied with utter seriousness and Kiara's heart skipped a beat. She swallowed and quickly pushed him placing her hands on his chest, as he took a small step back. That dimpled smile, the one for her, playing on his lips.
"You're just saying it back because I said you're a future rockstar," she rolled her eyes.
Stepping closer to Kiara, Emre gently held Kiara's hand and placed it palm down on his chest. With that same seriousness, he looked her in her eyes and softly muttered, "Maybe."
Kiara blinked, waiting for the haze of Emre's closeness to settle when she finally realised what he had said and gasped, shoving his chest again as she yanked her hand away from Emre's as he laughed with his head thrown back.
Biting back a smile, she rolled her eyes and walked pass Emre. "Okay, so Times Square done. What's next, Mr there's-always-something-to-do-in-New York?"
She turned around to face Emre and studied him as he flicked his wrist up to look at his watch. He looked like he was debating what to do when he finally said, "Well, it's almost five. Let's get some coffee and find a spot to watch the sunrise."
"Just that? What happened to our cronut breakfast?" Kiara frowned, her lips in a pout.
"We'll have that after," Emre smiled, as he sauntered towards her. "Come on," he cocked his head to the side as he continued ahead of Kiara. Picking up her feet, she skipped next to Emre. They both continued walking to the nearest diner that was opened with smiles on their lips as they shot sly glances at each other. The silence was punctuated with soft giggles and chuckles, light shoulder bumps whenever they caught each other's eyes. They hid the rising flush on their skin by wrapping their coats tighter to their bodies.
The bell tinkled when Emre opened the door to the diner, pausing to let Kiara in first before he fell into step. Kiara knew he was watching her, and she couldn't help the smile that was on her face anymore. Ordering herself a mocha to go, she quietly paid for their coffees while Emre was busy ordering his. He was sidetracked when one of the wait crew turned out to be a fan of sorts.
The teenage boy was looking at Emre in awe, as though he couldn't believe his luck. She watched; as uncomfortable Emre was, he still took a selfie with the other boy and signed a napkin. Kiara bit the inside of her cheeks again, knowing that she had spoken the truth. That Emre is a rockstar in the making; regardless of whether he believed in it or it.
She picked up their coffees, his an Americano - no sugar, and waited for him by the door.
"Thank you for coffee Kiara, but you should have let me pay for it," he grumbled lowly, his forehead creased as he looked down at his coffee in her outstretched hand.
"It was no big," she shrugged, sipping on her own coffee as he gently plucked the disposable to go cup from her fingers. "You know, that," she gestured to the beaming boy behind the counter, "is just the beginning for you. You are going to be so amazing."
Emre looked down at his cup is silence as he held the door open for Kiara again. Exiting the diner, she bumped her shoulders into him.
"What's up?" she frowned at him. "What's on your mind?"
Shrugging, Emre sipped his coffee as he led the way to another subway station. They waited for the train in silence, she had always been in situations where silence were just precursors to the next explosive arguments, where there was always rage and tension crackling with the ferocity of lightning in the air. But with Emre, there was a peace in his silence. There wasn't any anger, any anxiety, any flares of temper. Just Emre, doing what he does; getting lost in his thoughts.
They walked onto the train in silence and Kiara settled on the seat next to Emre. He had pulled her closer to him on the train the moment a group of men entered their compartment and Kiara for a second allowed herself to pretend that she was more than just a friend. She leaned her head on his shoulder as he wrapped his arms tighter around her.
Kiara observed her surroundings as she rested her head on his shoulder. She watched as different characters went on and off the train. Those who were heading home after a night out and those who were heading to work before dawn. There were weary, tired, hopeful, cheerful, even dull faces. She wondered how she looked like in their eyes; naïve perhaps? Naive to want to keep this peace around her forever.
Before she knew it, Emre nudged her gently signalling that it was their stop soon. Picking herself up from the seats, she walked in front of Emre and waited for the train doors to slide open. Exiting the station, they continued walking in comfortable silence towards the Brooklyn Bridge. They walked on the bridge until the came up to a row of benches and Emre pointed towards them.
"Best seats in the house," he rumbled lowly, his hand stretched across the back of the bench, pulling Kiara in without her even knowing.
She hummed as she sipped on her now lukewarm coffee a feeling of warm contentment settling over her.
"Kiara," she heard him say softly, "Why Paris? There are so many great schools here. Julliard. Why, why Paris?"
"Well, you held out longer than I expected. I thought you would ask me this the second we were alone," she smiled into her coffee cup. She heard him scoff next to her and chuckled lowly.
"How do you feel when you take a deep breath and release it?" she asked softly, her eyes trailed on the horizon as she watched the sun rays unfold leisurely stretching their fingertips and lightening the sky in its own time.
Kiara could feel the movement of Emre's chest next to her as he took a deep breath and released it into the world.
"I don't know..." he said pausing thoughtfully, "...relaxing, freeing...it feels like I am maybe letting go of something bad...some negative energy maybe..."
Kiara nodded, swallowing harshly as her eyes were suddenly filled with tears. "I don't feel like that when I take a deep breath. There's this feeling of having my breath stuck right here," she laid her hand gently on her breastbone, "whenever I try to exhale a full breath."
"Why are you leaving Kiara?"
There was a sadness in his voice, in his posture, in the way he asked her, in the way his arms wrapped around her shoulder. And it made her want to believe that where she was made a difference to Emre. That even though they were so young, that whatever connection that was between them could be real. And because of that, the words fell freely from her lips as she blinked back her tears.
"There's a...a...a kinda of smothering...choking, I don't know...that I feel every day. That I have to be this...this picture-perfect version of Kiara Moussa that I know I'm not. I can't make any mistakes because I am not offered the luxury of it. I can't make any decisions because every bit of my life has been decided for me. From what I eat, to when I sleep, to what I wear, to how my hair should be, to what nail colour I have - has been dictated to me. Sometimes I feel like I should ask for permission to breathe. And that's all I want; to breathe freely without feeling suffocated. To breath without having to gasp for air."
Kiara looked down at her nails, the bright pink taunting her. Even though she knew she could endure Mrs. Jones criticism about her nail color, she would still try her best to remove it all before her lessons. Before her mother could catch sight of it.
Her words reverberated in her ears, "I sound very much like the epitome of 'poor-little-rich-girl', don't I?" Kiara said mockingly as she cleared her throat of the tears that seemed to clog it.
"No. Not to me."
Kiara looked up at Emre in shock. She had honestly thought that he would mock her. That he would perhaps tell her what all her cousins and friends in similar situations have told her; to suck it up. To brave through it. To be the version of her that her mother wanted her to be. The version that just wasn't really Kiara, it never was.
"Everyone has the right to decide who they want to be. And if you need to go somewhere far, somewhere like Paris; to do that, then you need to go," Emre said as he looked at the tendrils of sunlight that has uncurled over the horizon, a mish-mash oranges and blues.
"You don't think I'm running away from my problems?" she asked quietly. All her self-doubt bubbling at the surface as she remembered the words spat at her by her cousins.
"No," he said after a beat. "I think you are incredibly brave to go somewhere where you don't know anyone, or even speak the language."
Kiara released a heavy breath as she looked at her feet and said quietly "Thank you. I think I needed to hear that."
"Can I tell you something?" he asked in a quiet voice.
Kiara nodded, biting the insides of her cheek as she looked at his profile. She couldn't help but admire the strong jaw that had a hint of stubble on it as she watched the muscles move. The high cheekbones. The fluttery eyelashes that framed his beautiful pale green eyes that made her envious of its beauty. The proud tilt of his nose. The full lips that were pressed in a line. Kiara swallowed the lump in her throat as she waited for him to speak.
"I'll miss you," he said softly, gazing at the skyline of the city before them. Everything turning a touch gold as the sun rose. His eyes flicked to her before it went back to looking at the city that lay before them.
Kiara squeezed her eyes shut, wanting to capture this moment in her mind like a camera would. She wanted to never forget the moment that she realized that her first crush wasn't her crush anymore; the thought of which left her breathless as her heart thundered in her ears.
Emre Ersoy was her first love.