"Mom?" I ask taking slow steps into her room. Our dad just dropped us off and we had to let ourselves in because my mom is cooped up in her room. She's not sleeping like she usually is and instead going through her closet vigorously. Her colorful blouses are spread out on her bed and her straightened hair is flipping back and forth as she picks up more hangers. She doesn't notice I'm standing by her bed looking at her until she turns around and plops some more shirts on her bed. It's like she knows how satisfying her closet looks and is completely destroying that vision, and the organized room she personalized.
Her face is gleaming with sweat and the look of unconditional love and assurance isn't in her eyes. "What is it Daya?" She was excited and over the moon about my film competition win/tie and I was hoping the excitement didn't go away, but it always does.
My plan was to ask her if she was ok with taking me to Ziyah's house to meet his mom and family, but before I can bring up meeting up someone else's mom I have to make sure mine is ok.
"Are you ok?" I ask and look her over some more. Her figure is going away and maybe that's the reason she's getting rid of her old clothes, but I know from previous experience that it doesn't take much for her to gain the lost weight back.
She nods like a billion times. "Of course I'm ok, I'm just getting rid of some stuff." Some stuff is the clutter on our dining table, not the loads of Ross blouses she's dropping onto her bed. She's clearly not ok, and I sit on the edge of her bed with nerves that are trying to make me as frantic as she is.
"Mom," I repeat. Her own brain must be running on fumes because she doesn't hear me and continues running from the closet to her bed. It's better that I'm the one trying to get her attention, and not Dani who is too young to see her usual happy mother filled with anxiety and not watching tv with her. I stay and watch her as she moves on from dropping clothes on her bed to organizing the clothes into different piles.
Vince walks by and stops and scrunches his face at the scene of me beginning to breath faster just the same as mom.
"Mom," he says, just like I did, but he's not giving up and sitting and walking towards her.
"I'm kind of busy Vince." Vince places his hand on one of hers that's about to adjust one of her shirts. She looks up at him slowly and some lie that she's fine is about to escape her mouth, but Vince's eyes become darker in a way and he leads her away from the bed. Like he did with me after I was given Unna's list he pulls her into her chest amd she doesn't cry the tears I expect her to have and just melts in his hug. Whether I have to bench press for it or do the opposite and gain a bunch of fat, but one day I want to have the power to melt people's anxiety with a simple hug.
Dani and I join in on the hug, and tears fall down my face, but I don't think they're noticeable. We release and Vince and Dani go back to whatever they are doing while I stay on her bed looking at my mom take deep breaths on her bed.
"Do you want me to help you put these back?" I ask and she nods before getting off of her bed. I grab some blouses and give my mom some quick glances like she's some kid on the monkey bars. She doesn't feel like my mom right now, but I keep on looking at her waiting for to switch back to being the loving mom who gives me sweet talks while slicking my edges. Now I'm walking on eggshells with words clogging my throat, and it shouldn't be this way with the woman who birthed me.
"Why were throwing your clothes out?" Letting me exhale a smile graces her sharp face.
"That stupid Marie Kondo show," she says with a laugh and puts some blouses in her closet. We spend some more minutes hanging her clothes back up in silence until we can see her comforter again and we sit on her bed.
"What did you want to talk about Daya?" Mom asks and takes a long sip from her water bottle on the nightstand.
I did want to talk about all the new details with Ziyah that she has been too busy to ask me about, but that isn't the way to go today.
"Nothing I just wanted to make sure you were doing alright."
"I'm fine just stressed." I could've guessed that.
"How are you doing Ms. film competition winner."
"Fine," I lie just like she did. I'm sure she knows though.
"Really? Hows whats his name, Ziyah?" Don't get me wrong Ziyah makes me happy, and I could talk about him all day, but there are so many other things I can talk about with my mom. I can't think of them now, but they're many topics i'm sure. It shouldn't be like this, having to choose what to talk about with your mom.
To my surprise without any hesitancy I tell her everything and she doesn't seemed fazed by the circumstances of our grove date. When I'm done, I'm holding my breath again, and picturing her demands to break up with Ziyah, and say it's too early to meet his mom. Or she will bring up the elephant in the room which is the fact she hasn't met Ziyah.
My mom faces me more. "So you really like this guy?"
Suddenly I have a smile to hide. "Yes mom I really like him."
"Ok then," she nods and takes another sip from her water. "But remember," she starts.
"To live in the moment and not have too many expectations," I finish.
*
I just walked back to the school after being at the elementary school, and I head up to the top of the bleachers. Vince and the rest of the team are on the field in groups doing in drills and for once they're not dripping sweat to the fact that the sky is painted grey and threatening to spit drops. In Vince's words this means hoe season is over, but if you ask me "hoes," will still be throwing themselves at Vince even if they see Vince is trying to rekindle his relationship with Vicki.
Speaking of Vicki I look up from my phone and she's heading up the bleachers towards me with her heart necklace bouncing up and down. I haven't been talking to her frequently, because she got a job as a hostess at the overpriced juice place near the elementary school, but I've missed her smile. Also she's the only girl I know who watches the Joe Budden podcast, and prior to Vince and Vicki's breakup we would recap the episodes once in a while.
"Hey Daya congrats on your film it was great!" She says and sits right next to me.
"Thanks how's the juice place?" What I'm really asking is if there is any way I can get a discount on an acai bowl.
"You know how gentrified juice places be. Everyday some girl comes in and asks me the sugar amount like fruit juice isn't healthy." I laugh along, but I'm usually that girl because these juice places be lying about their smoothies.
"At least your getting paid." I don't know what else to say, afterall I'm still not that into talking.
"Yeah I guess so, so do you want to talk about you know who?" Vicki moves her eyebrows up and down.
I instantly know my answer. "No." I've talked about Ziyah to Harper, my mom, a little with Dani, and I love the way I smile when I do talk about Ziyah, but from now on I have made a deal with myself to not talk about my relationship. I like the idea about being in a little bubble with him away from the rest of the school.
"Hmm ok feisty, I get it though, when Vince and I started dating all people wanted to talk about was Vince and I, and it was like we weren't people and just a couple."
"Sounds like when Ciara married Russell," I add.
"Yeah!"
We go on to name a bunch of other celebrity couples who are known more as married than themselves, and we don't even realize the football players are running off the field. Before we know it Vince is coming off the field and slowly making his way towards us.
"What are y'all talking about" Vince asks as he comes up the bleachers. Like the good best friend she is Vicki hands her a water bottle and downs it.
"Nothing," I say. Vince does his usual shrug and hands Vicki back the bottle that is practically empty.
"I'll wait with you guys," Vicki says and gets up. The second she does Vince plants a big kiss on her lips and some football players in the background hollar. My eyes and mouth go wide open, and Vince looks over at me when they depart.
"What?" he asks.
"Nothing," I repeat. Vince wraps his arm around Vicki's waist and heads down the bleachers with me behind them confused as hell.