Ashlyn was crying.
The second time in two days she was crying, and it was the second time because if Aiden. She was so confused and helpless - her emotions were as reckless as the last time, she felt the same dull pain in the chest.
But then she was just shocked and restless, and now she was devastated.
It felt like a volcanic eruption, a flood, an earthquake, a tornado. It felt like her world was in chaos.
But the truth was... everything Aiden did was kiss her in the cheek.
Nothing more.
This small move made her feel something she never felt - like her heart, mind, everything: was raving.
It felt surreal.
Ashlyn closed her eyes and dug her nails into her thigh to focus on breathing. She listened to a sound of water in pipes, soft chuckles of her classmates in another room, approaching steps on the floor.
The door opened and Taylor who just came back from taking a shower, entered the room.
"The bathroom is free, you can-" she stopped as she noticed Ashlyn curled under a window. "What happened?!"
She quickly got up, wiping her face with the sleeve.
"Nothing."
"What nothing?!" Taylor ran toward her and grabbed her by shoulders. "I've never seen you crying, it must be something!"
"It's nothing", Ashlyn repeated, trying to stop another tears from flowing down her cheeks.
"Please, tell me what happened."
Taylor sat her on a corner of the bed and squatted in front of her to look her in the eyes. Ashlyn's head dropped, suddenly very heavy. It was so hard to breath.
Don't cry. It's alright, everything is fine. She wished telling herself this would make her believe it.
"Tell me what's wrong, I'm worried", Taylor pleaded. "Do you need some water?"
Ashlyn shook her head, her chest tensed suddenly. It hurted.
"Aiden..." she stuttered, pressing her hand to her chast as if it could stop the pulsing pain.
"Aiden? Is he okay? Is he hurt?!"
"No."
"Then... did he hurt you?"
Did he hurt me?
Yes, he did.
My best friend.
Or no - I hurt myself with my own feelings.
She didn't want to think about it anymore - but needed it in the same time. Overthink all his moves, all his words, all the times their eyes met... simply understand what went wrong.
"Ashlyn, answer me, for goodness' sake!" Taylor grabbed her arm. "I swear, if Aiden did something to you..."
Ashlyn tilted her head back to take in more air and blood rushed down, making her feel dizzy. She closed her eyes.
"He kissed me."
"He WHAT?!" Taylor gasped.
"Just in the cheek..." Ashlyn added quietly.
"Then why are you crying?!"
"I don't know, I..." she bit her lip, a bit too hard. "I kinda panicked, and... I don't know."
"It's okay, sweetheart". Taylor reached for her hand to make her focus on something mundane. "Now. Look at me, Ashlyn." She leaned over to meet her eyes. "Get yourself together!"
"W-what?" she blinked.
"Your crush has just kissed you! So stop freaking out and celebrate..."
"But it's not like that! He's not my-" she stopped as she realized what she was going to say might be a lie. Her face became warmer and she looked away. " I just... can't like him."
"ARE YOU NUTS?!"
They both jumped as a muffled "shut up!" came from behind the door.
"I mean" Ashlyn whispered "It doesn't even matter if I like him or not..."
"What did you dare to say?!"
Ashlyn hid her face in her hands.
I am... so messed up.
"Ashlyn, I understand it's hard for you to accept your feelings", Taylor was making small circles on her friend's hand with her thumb. "It's not a sin to like someone. You have to be honest with yourself."
Ashlyn looked at her.
"You don't understand, Taylor, he-"
"I understand. You just realized your feelings toward him and don't like to admit it because it's uncomfortable for you. You two used to be friends and you're afraid of something more, of change. Am I right?"
"No", Ashlyn snapped, pulling her hand out of her friend's grip. "It's not about that!"
"So what, Ashlyn?" Taylor's voice was gentle. "Isn't it true?"
"Oh damn, okay- it is, but that's not the point!"
"So what are you waiting for? Taylor smiled lightly. "You like him, and he likes you too."
Ashlyn tore her hand through her bangs and suddenly laughed.
"Taylor... you don't get it at all." her voice shook. "You don't know why did he kiss me."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm surprised Tyler didn't tell you anything... that was a challenge. Just a fucking challenge, what Aiden told me after he kissed me. Do you think he'd have told me if he liked me?"
Taylor's eyes widened, she stared at Ashlyn in silence.
"Fuck. Fuck! I don't even know what's worse: that he made me feel something to him or that he doesn't feel it!" she grabbed Taylor's arm. "I like him, do you get it? I knew I liked him. I tried my best to hide my feelings not to bother him or anyone else, even though it was not easy. And do you know what happened when I allowed myself to let them out, hoping you all were right?"
Taylor bit her lip, not able to find right words.
"It turned out I got rejected!" Ashlyn blurted out. "And I can't even blame Aiden, because he did nothing!"
Nothing, except being near. All the fucking time.
It hurts...
I never knew it'd hurt so much.
Ashlyn stood up and told Taylor to look away to let her change into pajamas. She had no strength to do anything else, so she just curled up on her bed and let her body cool down, feeling all the painful sting in the chest.
She was breathing.
Focusing on this rhythmic guttural sound coming from inside her.
Am I...
Stupid?
I was sure he liked me back... am I really that stupid?
He could be my best friend. Wasn't it enough...?
Ashlyn clenched her teeth. All her attempts to avoid this possible situation were in vain. Earlier she could have convinced herself it was not important, she could have denied her feelings. She could have said she wasn't sure if they were real. But now her raging emotions refuted every argument she tried to come up with to deny reality.
Heart versus brain was an unfair fight.
Ashlyn suddenly felt Taylor slipping into her bed behind her, covering her with the blanket. She hugged her gently and started stroking her shoulder, what made Ashlyn tense.
It wasn't pleasant.
But it helped distract her.
And despite the throbbing headache, she almost immediately fell asleep.