When I awoke, I couldn't move at first because my limbs were so stiff. Groaning, I attempted to stretch my arms above my head which I quickly realized I couldn't because my arms were completely squashed between Ryder and Eros.
Their sleeping faces made me reminiscent of the adventure we shared only hours before. Last night had reinforced the strength of our friendship, that while we might've gone through some rough spots, we loved each other dearly. Truthfully, I had been wary of Twin Peaks because of the history it held for Eros and I, but Ryder kept us laughing and for the first time in a very long time, I was able to enjoy Eros' presence platonically. We had picked up McDonalds on the way home and ended up watching the third Harry Potter film in Ryder's room before completely knocking out, McDonalds bags littering the floor.
Last night we were quite simply, happy.
Wiggling slightly, I became aware of Ryder's breath fanning over the top of my head, his hand lazily speed across my waist, his leg thrown over mine, pining me to the bed.
On the other side of the bed, Eros was a bit closer. His head was ducked towards mine, cheek resting on my shoulder as he softly snored. His hair tickled my chin, and as I gazed at his sleeping figure, it took me a moment to realize one of his arms was curled around mine and the other held my hand.
It was really cute if I was being honest, but I really had to pee.
I groaned louder, hoping this would wake up my best friends, but instead they continued to snore on. I began to squirm feverishly in their grips. "Guys, c'mon, I gotta pee!"
Faintly, Ryder yawned and moved his body away from mine, stretching up and opening his eyes to look at me. He made a face when he saw Eros and I. "Even in his sleep he's in love with you!"
"Ha-ha!" I said and with the freedom of half my body, I carefully extracted myself out of Eros' grip. Almost immediately, his hand stretched out as though to look at me.
I pretended my heart didn't melt.
Sliding off of Ryder's bed, I yawned, rubbing my eyes as I blindly walked into his ensuite, closing the door with my foot. When I opened my eyes and saw myself in the mirror, I was not surprised to see my makeup smudged all over my face. My hair was certainly a mess tooâ though I don't think Angelica would approve of this kind of messiness. Ryder's shirt that I had worn to bed felt soft against my skin and hung a little past my mid-thigh.
As I peed, I rested my elbow against my thigh, reflecting on the complete and gratifying fun and joy the three of us had last night. I can't really remember the last time we'd been so careless as though we were simply just best friends with no other cares in the world other than our grades.
My mind wandered to the lack of tension between Eros and I, and my body softened considerably. We finally found our balance, where we could be friends and just be that. And while I was so grateful that we were finally good, I couldn't help but wonder if we were ready to be in a relationship.
I stepped out of the bathroom and found Eros awake and engaged in a very serious debate with Ryder about why mint flavored things kind of tasted like toothpaste. Furrowing my brow, I pivoted back into the bathroom to grab the toothbrush I had in Ryder's bathroom and listened to their arguments.
"Mint isn't even always the flavor of toothpaste! Sometimes it is cinnamon and children's toothpaste is that weird bubble gum kind!" Eros pointed out, pulling Ryder's sheets taut as he meticulously made up the bed.
"But the vast majority of toothpaste is marketed and sold as mint flavored! And when you want that fresh feeling you chew mint gum! I can't see any good reason therefore to eat mint flavored things." Ryder countered.
Eros frowned. "And there is also bubble gum flavored gum! Does that automatically mean you correlate bubble gum flavor with toothpaste? No! So it shouldn't be that way with mint flavored things!"
"This is all bullshit," I said after I finished brushing my teeth, the mint flavor of the toothpaste feeling pleasant in my mouth. "The only worthy mint flavored food is mint ice cream and those mints you get from Olive Garden. Everything else is sort of weird."
Eros sent me a withering look and Ryder folded his arms against his chest triumphantly,
"Given how in love we are Alice, I would've thought you'd be arguing for my side," Eros complained, walking into the bathroom to brush his teeth too.
It was comments like these that sent a flurry of butterflies loose in my stomach and I smiled shyly at him as he passed me. "When you have a good mint flavored food that isn't reminiscent of toothpaste let me know Eros."
"Hmph!" He answered with his toothbrush hanging from his mouth, his eyes glinting with glee.
I smirked back at his appearance, surely as he too forever linked the mint flavor to toothpaste.
Ryder rolled his eyes and looked over to me. "C'mon, let's go make breakfast."
We cantered down the stairs noisily as I teased him for his Potter-like antics. "You really do strut like your father," I noted as I walked behind him, tilting my head as his hips severely swayed left to right. "Or maybe you're just acting stupid."
His head turned back to me, a grin brightening his handsome features. "If I strut like my father, at least my father is incredibly successful."
"You make a good point," I answered. "How are your parents anyways?"
He bit his lip and turned away from me as we reached the bottom of the steps. "Good," he said. "Really good actually. They were here a few days ago and we talked about my sexuality and they still love me and everything. It was just a bit of a shock to them."
I smiled and rubbed his back. "That's great Ryder."
He grinned back. "Yeah, it really is. We got to talk about this summer and they really want me to come out to see their other offices, and I thought why not. I still have a few months to think about where I want to go to college and it couldn't hurt to see if I am actually interested in what they do."
"Ryder Thompson, a real businessman!" I exclaimed. "I could see it."
"Thanks Alice," He kissed the side of my head.
When we entered the kitchen, he pulled open the refrigerator humming.
"Where's Mariam?" I asked conversationally, choosing a banana from the fruit bowl and peeling back the skin.
"I asked if she'd take this weekend off, I thought it'd be the perfect time for me to learn how to cook!" He murmured as he pulled a carton of eggs and milk from the fridge. "How do pancakes sound?"
I waved my hand. "They sound good. But don't you think it would be more productive if you asked her how to cook these things instead of winging it?"
Ryder shot me a grin. "Perhaps, but her birthday is coming up soon and I'd like to make her breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And a cake. I want to do something more for her than just give her something she needs or wants. I want to give her something that shows her I love her."
His voice softened as he whisked his eggs and flour in a bowl. "She's worked with us since before I was born and she practically raised me after my parents' business skyrocketed. She's a part of the family and I want to do something for her like a child would do to a guardian."
From across the island I grabbed his free hand. "That's really sweet of you Ryder..." I then added, "What I'm also hearing is you're going to make the rest of our meals today so that you can prepare for her birthday!"
He laughed. "You wish!"
I rolled my eyes, knowing that despite his protests against making us lunch and dinner, he would.
A light buzz sounded from my phone and I picked it up, barely seeing the name Claire Gomez reflected on my screen before I began to choke on my saliva.
Why was she calling me? I thought she still hated me and we were far from friends.
Ryder looked at me confusedly, brow furrowing as I clutched at my phone and swiveled on the island chair to exit the kitchen. "You good?"
I coughed and cleared my throat, sending Ryder an anxious smile as I said, "Yup!" My voice was incredibly high and I would've been very surprised if he believed me, but he didn't follow me and I was grateful for that.
"Hello?" I asked, coming into the formal dining room of Ryder's house and sitting on one of the cushioned chairs, staring absently at a painting across from me on the wall.
"Hey Alice," Claire said softly. "I was wondering if you were free today. Maybe we could meet up and talk. I uhâ I owe you an apology."
Her words felt like blades. Images of Claire and her bullhorn flashed behind my eyes, the feeling of humiliation and regret.
At the same time though, I became reminiscent of Eros and I tangled in white sheets, and guilt began to ebb into my mind, how my actions influenced hers. I shook my head angrily, my actions did not justify and would never justify how she treated me.
"You want to apologize," I said flatly.
Claire apologizing to me so long after I apologized to her felt ingenuine, as though someone guilt tripped her into apologizing because as I recalled, the day I apologized to her, she appeared to not regret her actions in the slightest.
"Alice let's not act like I wasn't the only person in the wrong here," She snapped.
"You aren't! But I apologized weeks ago and I meant it. You can't keep using Eros and I fucking as an excuse to justify how you humiliated me! How you ruined my reputation and made me the most hated girl in school!"
Claire remained silent for a few moments and in those few moments, I remembered how much I enjoyed being her and Luna's friend, how nice it was to actually have girlfriends.
I remembered how we ruined that for ourselves.
"I know. I have a lot to work on. Please let me apologize to you in person," Claire's voice was incredibly low and from a sniffle, I presumed she was crying."
The anger I was feeling, the guilt began to mix, and I contemplated her position in my life.
"Okay," I bit my lip. "If you meet me in front of Ryder's house in ten, I'll hear you out."
"Okay. See you soon."
â¦
Claire's car pulled up seven minutes later, as I stood at the edge of the gate, anxiously twisting a few strands of my hair.
She put down her passenger window, revealing her empty car. I'm not sure why but I had anticipated Luna being here as well.
"Hey," She bit her lip. "Wanna go get McFlurries?"
"It's 10AM Claire," I frowned, walking up to her window with my arms crossed defensively over my chest. "Who has ice cream this early?"
She laughed and shook her head. "Okay, I revise my statement then. Do you wanna go get hash browns from McDonalds?"
"I'm supposed to have breakfast with Ryder and Eros," I said emptily. "I can't be gone for long."
She sighed, the brown of her eyes slightly dulling. She pushed her hair back and smiled hopefully at me. "Do you just want to get in my car and talk then?"
For a moment, I just stood there, scrutinizing her. She looked normal, she looked just as beautiful as she did every single fucking day, and it was frustrating. I wish that there was some tangible way I could see she actually felt awful about what she did to me.
I had no doubts that my appearance in the past few weeks reflected how awful I felt about what I did to others, and it upset me it wasn't the same for her.
"Okay," I said finally and pulled open the door to her car, sliding into the passenger seat.
"How are you?"
Claire raised her eyebrows at me and stifled a laugh. "You're joking right? I'm here to apologize to you and you ask how I'm doing? I'm the one who should be asking if you're okay!"
"Well I'm doing just fine," I shrugged. "I'm taking steps to remedy the ways I've changed for the worse and rebuilding relationships with people I hurt. I'm on good terms with Ryder and Eros again. There isn't much else going on."
Her shoulders drooped at the mention of Ryder and Eros. "Yeah," she murmured, avoiding my gaze as she played with a loose thread on her denim skirt. "I haven't been on good terms with the three of you in a while."
Despite my anger, I felt the need to reassure her. "If it makes you feel any better, I don't think Ryder or Eros are especially upset with you Claire. It's not their place to be upset with you, it's only mine. The only reason Eros could possibly be upset with you is because you broke up with him."
"They didn't think that a few days ago," She muttered sadly.
"A few days ago you and Eros were still dating and Ryder was concerned about how I ruined his reputation. A few days ago Ryder, Eros, and I weren't exactly the best friends we say we are," I answered pointedly, returning her frown.
I was upset with the direction the conversation was going. Why were we talking about them and not what she did?
"They just went running back to you didn't they," Claire said bitterly.
My frown deepened. "I suppose it was Ryder's birthday that really brought us back together, reminded us of why we loved each other and why we were best friends."
"You guys are best friends huh... Luna and I never really stood a chance against you."
Her words settled in the air, her jealously and resentment toward me becoming evermore apparent.
I glanced at her. "Are you just apologizing to me so that you can get close with them again?"
"No!" Her eyes snapped to mine and were wide with worry. "No. I ruined this. I ruined the great and developing friendships between all of us, and there's nothing I regret more."
My anger began to grow and I shot back at her, "So you're apologizing because you ruined our friendship? Not because what you did was really shitty?"
She shook her head in frustration. "No!" She sighed. "What I did was really shitty. I'm not saying it isn't... I violated your privacy and made fun of you for it. I'm just saying that beyond humiliating you, I didn't think that Ryder and Eros would eventually come back to you." Her head tilted back to rest against the headrest and in that position I could see the tears filling her eyes. "I was so jealous of the bond you shared with Eros. I was jealous of how close you were with Ryder and Eros. I was jealous of it all and I wanted to take it away from you."
I wasn't sure how to respond to this, so I didn't. I allowed a silence to fill the air as Claire and I sat side by side, unsure of whether or not we could ever move past this. It was simply so obvious to me that though Claire's words implied she was apologizing because she knew her actions were wrong, it was really because she missed having the boys in her life and it made me feel sick.
I spent a month hating my actions, hating myself, isolated from the boys I loved the most and she shouldn't expect me to forgive her for how she blew up my friendships.
"But my jealously does not justify what I did to you Alice," She clarified after a few moments. "While I wish you had told me about you and Eros, I had no right to get that upset about it, we weren't even dating."
"It doesn't," I agreed, turning my gaze to scrutinize the garden of Ryder's house, the blooming trees and richly green grass. I craved the simplicity that was our lives a few months ago, when I didn't tell Claire and Luna about Eros, when she hadn't exposed my list, when we were just friends.
"I'm sorry Alice," she said finally. "I'm sorry I exposed your list. And I'm sorry I ruined your reputation and caused you to lose all of your tutoring students."
"You made the entire school hate me," I pointed out.
"No I didn't Alice," She said with an annoyed tone. "No one hated you, no one has ever hated you. They were just as jealous as I was, that you, you of all fucking people got Eros to like you. They were jealous that you were not only good friends with him but also that had sex with him."
I jutted out my chin defiantly, uncomfortable that people didn't like me simply because of my relationship with Eros. "I didn't get Eros to like me. We just happened to become friends and it happened to become more than that."
It became quiet in the car again, and in the corner of my eye, I could see Claire rubbing her palms together nervously.
"You know, when Eros came to tell me off about what I did to you, he was so angry and defensive for your sake. He really cares for you Alice."
"Yeah well... I ruined that relationship all on my own," I grumbled.
I could feel her stare and grudgingly, I looked back at her.
Her lips were pulled into a tight smile and she cocked her said at me, speaking gently, "People deserve second chances."
"When they earn them," I said firmly.
Her eyes began to fill with tears. "Alice, I said I was sorry! I'm not sure what else you want me to say to you!"
"You humiliated me!" I cried, my gaze blurring with my own tears. "You took my most private possession and made fun of me for it in front of the entire school! And then you started dating my best friend! Even after that day, you continued to torment me! How am I supposed to forgive you for that?"
I began to sob in front of her, the trauma of what the past month had been like resurfacing, and I felt every wave of desperation, every moment alone, every day that I had to watch Claire be surrounded by the people I loved the most rush over me again.
"I know!" She said, her voice shaking. "I know I did. I wanted you to hurt just as much as I did when Luna told me you and Eros were fucking. And I'm sorry! I was wrong, every single part of it. I couldn't fathom that the nicest girl on the fucking block could do that to me and I wanted you to pay."
We were both crying with tears streaming down our cheeks. Her words reminded me of the night Eros forgave me, how he told me that it was unfair of him to hold me to the standard of my reputation, that I was allowed to make to mistakes. And yet, here was Claire, admitting to me she made a mistake.
I wiped the tears from my cheeks and held Claire's eye contact firmly. "I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't say people deserve second chances...And I'd be even more of a hypocrite if I didn't give you one while Eros gave me one just a week ago. Claire, I don't know what our friendship is going to look like tomorrow, or even next week, but I'm willing to work on it. I'm willing to try."
Her eyes widened in shock at my words, and a hesitant smile grew on her face. "This means a lot to me Alice. I'm going to make it up to you and one day, we are going to be friends again."
I bit my lip uncertainly. "One day."
â¦
ahem. three days ago I had a singular reader (whom i adore v much). now this book has ~attracted~ slightly more attention. I'm not really sure how this happened but I'm really thankful for all the support all you new readers have been providing! you are all the bees knees :)
with that said, i want to agree w you all that they all suck. THEY DO! but i love those dramatic bitches sm and when this story ends, I'll miss my golden trio. if i had to choose to represent their friendship, it'd be strawberry swing by frank ocean.
the end. it's here. expect it in a week.
all my love.