Summer had started the day before yesterday, though you wouldn't be able to tell from the gloomy weather we had been having lately. With a sigh, I seated myself by Ryder's bay window and cracked open the book I was reading. It was a cheap romance I had picked up from Barnes and Noble earlier today, and it wasn't particularly good but it would have to do as I patiently awaited Ryder and Angelica to return with our lunch.
Faintly, I heard the front door slam and mild chatter, and I strained my ear to listen and see if Eros' voice was amongst them.
He had gone down to Santa Cruz for the day and said he'd be back by afternoon, but Ryder and I concluded he'd more than likely be back in the late evening. Eros enjoyed his alone time and he equally enjoyed writing poetry in the sanctuary of his favorite coffee shop in Santa Cruz, surrounded by the scent of coffee and chocolate.
It had been a while since we had a romantic moment and yet my love for him never wavered, I still got excited every single time I saw him, and somehow through this, our friendship strengthened significantly. A relationship wasn't as imperative as it once was for us. I felt secure that we would eventually come together, though I couldn't give an exact time when I thought that might be our reality.
He would be worth the wait anyways.
Ryder came through his doorway, grinning when he saw me, holding two massive bags of food in his arms. "I come bearing too much food!"
I chuckled at this image, shutting my book to go grab one of the bags in his arms and helped him lay the food out on his desk. As I placed each styrofoam box on the desk, my gaze briefly lifted to the original copy of my list still taped on his wall. A smile grew on my face as I looked upon the things I had finally completed, eyes lingering on #12, the only one I had yet to complete.
"So much food for the three of us?" I asked, flitting my gaze back to the food. I popped open the first container and grinned when I saw it was filled with only chow mein.
"We just finished finals Alice, I think we deserve to gorge ourselves on takeout for once."
"Like we don't do this every week," Angelica teased Ryder as she entered the room with a grin, hoping onto Ryder's bed immediately.
"Okay, so maybe we do this once a week," Ryder admitted as he handed me a chopstick packet as I returned to my seat on his bay window. "But at least this time we aren't swamped by schoolwork!"
"Whatever you say Ryder. Can you please bring me the orange chicken?" Angelica asked in a sing-song voice.
Ryder rolled his eyes and grabbed two boxes and two packets of chopsticks before throwing himself onto the bed next to Angelica, handing her the food. "Okay!" Ryder exclaimed, "I'm going to be leaving on Thursday for New York and I'm just so concerned about what my poor girls are going to do in my absence!" He ended his sentence with a dramatic pout.
Angelica and I exchanged a look. "We'll probably hang out at home Ryder..." Angelica said. "And! You act like I don't have friends of my own! Ian is taking me to San Francisco next week."
Ryder's eyebrows disappeared into his curls. "Excuse me? Who is taking you to San Francisco?" He demanded to Angelica. "Are you going with anyone else? Where are you staying? How long are you staying?"
He looked at me suddenly. "Alice why are you not more concerned about this!"
"Ryder!" I laughed with a raised brow. "It's Angelica's boyfriend that's taking her to the city, she'll be fine. Besides, it's not like it's only going to be the two of them, she'll be with some of her friends too. They're staying in a hotel just outside of the city and Angelica promised me she wouldn't drive so I'm not too worried about them crashing and dying."
Ryder cast his gaze back to Angelica, less concerned and more hurt. "If you were going to San Francisco, I'd rather it be me taking you to the city, rather than some random boy," Ryder grumbled unhappily, frowning.
"How about this Ryder," Angelica cooed, stealing some fried rice from his takeout box, "we make a list of things the four of us will do this summer, together."
"A list?" Ryder repeated. "What do you mean a list?"
"A list like Alice's!" Angelica exclaimed excitedly. "13 things we should do before the summer is over!" From the tone of her voice, it was clear she had been thinking about this for a while and was waiting for the chance to tell us.
I bit my lip. The thought of making another list, something that had both brought me so much happiness and so much grief was not highly convincing, but I couldn't deny that I was not looking forward to the day that it was done.
My attention focused on Ryder, his soft curls and gentle yet apprehensive smile he gave Angelica and I became acutely aware of the care at which he treated me and Angelica, and the ways my list played a direct role in that. My lips settled into a firm smile. Despite how much trouble the list might've brought me, I wanted Angelica to experience the kind of safety and euphoria I did when finishing the list with the boys.
If she wanted to do this, I wanted to do it with her.
Ryder started to speak, "I don't know Angelica... We haven't even really finished Alice's and I don't know how Aliceâ"
"Let's do it!" I said suddenly, cutting Ryder off. "I see no reason why we can make a silly but important list of things we want to do this summer! And I think the first one should be cherry picking!"
"Yay!" She exclaimed and slid off of Ryder's bed and pulled a piece of paper our from Ryder's desk. "Tell me your deepest desires and I'll write them down!"
Ryder head shifted and his eyes found mine, a rare and evil grin lifting the corners of his mouth. "Number 13," he declared. "Whack shit."
â¦
As Ryder and I predicted, Eros arrived to Ryder's house much later in the afternoon, long after we finished the Chinese food and filled out thirteen numbers on our brand new list that hung above Ryder's desk, right next to mine. I was a little disappointed he wasn't there to contribute any of his desires to the list, but anything special he wanted to do, I'd do with him regardless.
"It's a shame Eros wasn't here to contribute anything to the list," Angelica sadly said from her seat by the island. She twisted the stem off of one of the strawberries she had on a plate in front of her. "I just think it'd be better if we all contributed to it together!"
Ryder laughed as he returned from the pantry, handing Angelica the tub of Nutella she asked for. "Don't you worry Jells, some of the things I said were things Eros definitely would've said."
"Like what?" I asked, stealing a strawberry from Angelica.
"I thought he'd enjoy a trip to Half-Moon Bay and that boy definitely would love to go kayaking!"
The image of Eros in a bright orange safety vest in a kayak made me laugh. "Eros? In a kayak?" I repeated. "You must be joking!"
"No no!" Ryder defended with a wave of his hand. "I know him Alice! The kayaks are calling his name!"
"Yeah?" I said sassily, "or are they just calling your name?" I laughed.
At this, Angelica began to laugh and after a few moments, Ryder said, "Okay, so maybe it's my idea, but I know he'd love it too!"
"I would like kayaking," Eros said as he entered the kitchen, ruffling Angelica's hair on his way to open the refrigerator, grabbing a water bottle. "You are right Ryder, you do know me," he winked at Ryder and Ryder blew him a kiss in response.
Eros grinned and turned his attention to me, cracking open the bottle and taking a sip before saying, "Want to go for a drive?"
Though there were three of us in the room, his words were directed for me and only me.
I flushed and hopped off my seat at the island. "Sure."
He beckoned with his head to the door and with a shy wave to Ryder and Angelica, I was following Eros' tall figure to the door, where he opened it and let me pass first.
That's when I noticed it: the rain. It was the first summer rain of the year and while the air felt cool, I knew the water wouldn't be.
"Huh," he said behind me. "It certainly wasn't raining when I got here."
"It was cloudy all day though," I said thoughtfully, stepping into the rain without a second thought, waiting for him to open the passenger door to his car.
"Wait Alice!" He protested, following me into the rain and shoving the key into my door to unlock it. He pulled the door open for me and I ducked quickly into the car. He leaned his head in so his chain dangled just inches from his face. When we were this close, I could smell his woodsy cologne and despite myself, I found myself breathing deeply, becoming intoxicated by his presence.
He grinned lazily at me. "I had wanted to go to our spot, but I'm not too sure if that's smart given the circumstances."
The rain was lightly beating down on Eros' back but it seemed his didn't notice as he awaited my answer.
"That's never stopped us before."
Eros laughed and nodded, standing from his bent position to shut my door. He walked around the car with one hand shoved in his pocket and the other fingering his keys. He seemed so nonchalant, so carefree and so comfortable around me now and I was reveling in this feeling. He started the car and turned on the radio, humming along to a tune that I didn't know, but would surely memorize by the time we came back to Ryder's house.
We were not speaking, but the silence was filled with rain and the radio, his ringed fingers thumping against his steering wheel to the beat of the song.
"So what'd you guys do today?" He asked casually after a few minutes of silence, shooting me a small smile.
I pursed my lips in thought. "Well, we made a list. 13 things to do before the summer ends."
At this, his swirling dark blue gaze completely refocused on me, "Really Alice?" he asked, "As though the first list didn't cause us enough trouble!"
"It did not cause us trouble Eros, you were just overdramatic at times and we were fighting for the last quarter of it!" I answered quickly with a wave of dismissal to his words. "Besides, most of our adventures happened because of my list!"
He grumbled incoherently before saying, "Whose idea was this?"
"Angelica's," I said with a grin, knowing his reaction.
He laughed and his resolve melted immediately. "How is she going to participate in a list when she's going to be working all summer with Aria?"
I rolled my eyes. "The same way you found time to go to San Francisco and Los Angeles with Ryder and I!"
"Yeah well, that was mostly so I could avoid seeing Claire all spring break...Have you guys spoken at all?" He asked tentatively.
I tucked some hair behind my ear quickly, shifting my attention from Eros to the thickening trees by the road. "Um, not really to be honest. She'll text me and stuff, but it isn't the same and while I did forgive her, I'm not sure if we can ever return to the friendship we had before."
"Sometimes," Eros sighed heavily, turning into the muddy ditch that lay before our spot. "You're just too good of a person. We returned to the friendship we had before because we love each other and our apologies were sincere. I don't think you can say the same thing about Claire." He parked the car and turned to me, his lips pulled into a firm frown. "Alice, I don't want you to get hurt again."
His voice was soft and gentle, as though he was afraid of what might happen if I pursued a friendship with Claire again.
"I don't want to exile Claire in my life Eros," I stated adamantly. "And you can't say you don't want me to get hurt again as if you weren't the primary reason I've been hurting for the past six months."
His eyes turned sad and cupped my face with his hand, stroking my cheek tenderly. "I know," he said, and then exited the car without another word, entering the lightly raining forest.
I frowned at his broad back as he walked away.
Reaching into the backseat, I grabbed the black umbrella Eros had stowed in the car for moments just like this and followed him out of the car, opening the umbrella.
Eros glanced back at me and when I reached him, his now wet hair falling in tendrils on his forehead. He pulled the umbrella from my hands with one hand and grabbed my hand with the other, interlacing our fingers as we started the walk towards the cliff. His rings felt terribly cold against my skin, but I loved it.
"If we are talking about our exes," he started, "how's Henry."
I sent him a withering glare. "Henry is good. All his girlfriends in New York came flocking back to him when they learned he was single and his parents are certainly pleased that he isn't going out with some small-town girl like me."
Eros grinned at the news. "Glad to hear it. I still don't like him though," he said with a nonchalant shrug.
"You don't like anyone Eros, that really isn't saying much," I replied, walking casually through the trees as the cliff came into view.
He laughed, "So that means you guys aren't flirting anymore, no more talking?"
I shoved him and in doing so, found myself under the summer rain once more. I didn't mind though. "No Eros!" I protested. "Henry is perfectly aware that my heart belongs to someone else and he respects that!"
He beamed and pulled me back into his side so the rain wasn't falling on me anymore. His lips pressed a soft kiss on my forehead. "Damn right it does."
Eros and I came to the edge of the cliff where we would usually sit, but he made no movements to sit down. Instead, he was intently eyeing the cloudy sky and steady ocean, and the soft rain that connected the two.
Unlike the storms we had weathered in Monte Verde, this rain was gentle and kind, like a warm kiss shared between ancient lovers. It felt vastly different from the times we had visited this cliff, and somehow I knew today inherently would bring a new reality for us.
After a few moments of us admiring the view, he spoke. "When I was in Santa Cruz today, I was trying to write about you. How you make me feel and what it felt like to not have you in my life. But no matter what I wrote, I couldn't perfectly encapsulate how deeply and richly you make me feel. Nothing I wrote would ever do what we share justice," he regarded me with a soft twinkle in his eyes.
"From the very start Alice, I wanted to avoid getting in a relationship with you. At first it was because I was scared, I was really scared of being that vulnerable and intimate with someone. I was scared that I wouldn't be enough for you. But then you started talking to Henry and I thought that's what you deserved because while Henry will never be one of my favorite people, I knew he'd treat you right. Still, I was so impossibly jealous Alice. I wanted you and I was upset that I didn't have you."
I fixed him with an angry stare and he laughed, dropping his eyes to the hand he held, he began to draw circles on the skin, leaving tender tingles in its path.
"I know," He said airily. "I told you I didn't want to be in a relationship with you and there I was being very hypocritical when you made the effort to date someone else! But I couldn't help but still care for you in that way and I thought that if I dated Claire, I might forget about you. But Claire, while lovely and kind, wasn't who I wanted and it showed."
For reasons I couldn't explain, this annoyed me. "Claire was who you wanted when we were fighting a month ago."
Eros rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well I was very angry with you, and like how Claire wanted you to hurt, I wanted you to hurt too. I knew that if I dated her so publicly, that would definitely hurt you because... That's all you ever wanted from me."
I raised my eyebrows at him. "It was really shitty of you to use Claire like that."
He returned my incredulous expression. "It was really shitty of you to fuck the boy she just went on a date with."
"It was really shitty for you to treat the girl you love so poorly," I retorted.
He pulled his bottom lip into his mouth. "I know," he said shyly, the pattern he was drawn on the top of my hand growing more feverish. "My anger does not and will never justify my revenge. I'm never not going to feel guilty about that."
"If it makes you feel any better I'm never not going to feel guilty about telling Claire and Luna about you," I responded gently.
His eyes lifted to mine and smiled grimly. "It does, but it also reminds me that I'm not exactly the best at making decisions..." his words trailed off and he squeezed my hand.
"You make the decisions of a 18-year-old Eros," I reminded him. "Plus you have more trauma than most 18-year-olds do. You're just doing your best."
His eyes flitted away from mine, and his voice was filled with guilt when he spoke again, "Yeah well, 18-year-old Eros didn't know what it was going to feel like to lose you."
I frowned. "But we are friends again Eros."
He didn't respond to this, simply fixing me an intent look, his eyes moving over my face longingly.
Soft gusts of winds began to spray us with rain and ocean water, dampening our clothes and making our clothes cling to our skin. With another powerful gust, rain sprayed our faces, and the water formed droplets in Eros' scruff. Lifting my hand, I mindlessly brushed the water off. He caught my wrist with his hand and kissed the inside of my palm before dropping it from his skin.
His began to speak again. "What we share is overwhelming and grand and sparkles like the sea. I feel everything and more with you, every moment of happiness is amplified and every fight we have is excessive. But I don't want to stop feeling this way Alice. Even when things are going badly there is no one else I want to have my side more than you. I want to continue life feeling this alive, I want to continue life with you by my side. I don't want to spend another moment pretending that you don't own my heart and I don't want to lose you again but if I do, I'd rather it be after I've loved you with my entire heart and soul."
Eros' confession lingered in the air, turning the air sweet.
My eyes were wide as I continued to gaze up to him, his stormy blue eyes that I desperately and wholly had fallen in love with, "What are you saying Eros?"
His eyes flickered down to my lips for a brief moment, before lifting back to my own, his mischievous grin glinting in the sparse light. "From what I recall, you still have one last number left to complete on your list. I'd like it if you did it with me."
My cheeks burned and before I could think about what this meant for our future, I was leaning up to press my lips against his.
The kiss was hard, so unlike the summer rain that we were standing in, our lips moving in tandem. His spare hand gripped my hip tightly as he pulled me ever closer to him, desperately trying to empty all space between us. The feeling of his lips on mine was unparalleled, it simply felt right, and despite my efforts to freeze this perfect moment in time, the ocean continued to push and pull waves, the wind continued to howl around us, and the rain continued to fall.
When we broke apart, our foreheads touching, he spoke. "I want to be yours Alice, and I want you to be mine."
He didn't give me time to respond as my disbelieving smile was smothered in another kiss. His hand shifted to my head, weaving his fingers into my hair as he pulled me ever closer, as though he were attempting to pour his soul and adoration into the firm touch of his lips on mine. It was everything but more, and the stars seemed to burn and gleam through the setting sun, shrouding the crowning darkness with a new light.
We pulled away for a brief moment, and he smirked. "I realize I haven't really given you any choice in this matter...Is that a yes?"
I rolled my eyes, my fights tightening their grip on his t-shirt. "Well of course I want to be yours Eros, I've wanted to date you ever since the Gala, when we shared a bottle of brandy in Ryder's closet and you told me I was the most beautiful girl you've ever seen. I've wanted to date you for so long that I..."
My words came to a sudden halt as I realized what I was going to say, and before I could evaluate if this was the appropriate time to tell him this, my fate was already sealed, eyes locking onto him as I became vulnerable before him in a way I only could with Eros, "that I've fallen in love you."
Eros' eyes glowed with the purest happiness I've ever seen as he stared back at me, open mouthed. "Say it again," he murmured to the world, his fingers gently moving some wet hair from my face.
A smile blossomed on my face. "I love you Eros."
He returned my smile, wholly. "I love you too Alice," and then I was encapsulated in his essence as he kissed me again, his very energy circulating me and entrancing me.
The umbrella flew from his grasp as he cradled both my cheeks, rain pouring on our bodies but we didn't mind, we didn't mind the feeling of the wind pushing me more towards him, nor the song that the ocean seemed to sing for us. It was as though Mother Nature herself knew, we finally found each other.
â¦
The rain had puttered out as quickly as it came, so in the evening, there was a clear sky that was perfect for stargazing. The three of us (Angelica left early to spend the evening with her own friends) found ourselves like so many times before in the bed of Ryder's truck, in a random field, looking at the heavens.
"So why were you guys gone so long?" Ryder teased, his muscular arm underneath his head as he addressed us.
I felt a blush creep into my cheeks as I reminisced on the kisses Eros and I shared on the cliff, our whispered 'I love you's' and incredibly wet rain that surely would give us a cold. I folded my arms against my chest, refusing to answer.
"Alice told me she loved me," Eros said to the heavens after the silence became unbearable. "And I told her I loved her too."
Ryder snorted, "You guys got soaking in the rain to say that you guys have fallen in love with each other? Oh for fucks sake, I could've told you that!"
We all chuckled at the validity of this statement.
"It wouldn't have been as romantic if you told us Ryder," I said with a giggle.
"I'll have you know I'm very romantic, whereas Eros has absolutely no romantic bones in his body!" Ryder protested in a child-like voice.
The grin on my face only grew.
"You'd be surprised Ryder," Eros replied smoothly.
"I don't think I could be," Ryder rolled his eyes sassily, though there was a small smile that said otherwise.
"I was surprised you were tutoring Angelica, Ryder," I mentioned casually, as though the moment itself wasn't incredibly dramatic in itself. When Eros and I returned from the cliff, Ryder was full on reciting Imperial Chinese History to Angelica for her summer homework that I didn't even know, and I had never been prouder.
"Yeah well...you've been tutoring me for six months, something was bound to stick," Ryder grumbled awkwardly.
"I tutored you for Calculus!" I shot back. "I have never spoken to you about Imperial China or the Mongols!"
Ryder grinned. "Yeah well, I'm a history nerd, didn't you know, besides it's not that big of a deal Alice."
But it was a big deal. Ryder tutoring Angelica only signified to me that our lives were so vastly different than when he first asked me to tutor him and found my list thereafter.
"Ryder Thompson, history tutor, who would've known?" I beamed at Ryder, my eyes glazing over his strong features. In the moonlight, I could see his deep blush and shy grin. His soft curls fell over his forehead, and he absentmindedly twisted one around his finger.
"If I start tutoring Alice, who knows, I might steal all your students by accident," he joked after a moment.
I made a face at him, my lips twisting into an exasperated smirk. "How about this? You cover history and I'll cover math. Eros can teach the rest."
"Hey! Uh-uh Alice! I never signed up to tutor some random kids!" Eros quickly said, and I turned my attention to the handsome boy on the other side of me. His sapphire eyes were bright as he stared back at me in protest.
I rolled my eyes and said dryly, "It was a joke Eros."
His mouth fell open, "Oh."
I leaned over and kissed his cheek. "You can be really dense when you want to be."
"Isn't that the trademark of Hermione Granger anyways?" He replied, sliding his hand underneath his head to gaze at me more intently, his eyes gleaming with adoration.
"Yes," Ryder replied, "Hermione Granger, while the smartest out of the Golden Trio, could be really clueless sometimes."
A silence settled upon us again, as we shifted out attention back to the stars, the constellations we've seen our entire lives. Ryder's spare hand found mine and he squeezed it gently. Eros did the same. And so we laid with our fingers intertwined, the happiest we all had been in a very long time.
"I finished the list," I said, breaking the silence of the quiet night.
Ryder squeezed my hand tighter. "Yeah," he said tenderly. "How do you feel?"
I bit my lip, eyes wide as I searched the stars for an answer, but they didn't give me one. Instead, the constant pressure of Ryder and Eros' hands did.
"I feel whole."
It was an incredibly simple moment, but it was when I knew that undeniably, irrevocably, the people that were flanking me: Ryder and Eros, they were so much more than just my best friends. They were my home, they were my safe place, they were everything I ever needed.
I was exactly where I belonged, and it was all thanks to The List.
â¦
Well. That's it then huh?
Here are my thoughts after finishing this book.
First of all, the traumas endured by the Golden Trio were supplemented by the fact that there were all affluent, by varying degrees obviously. None of them were particularly concerned about putting food on the table or the water bill. They could deal with their pain without the responsibilities so many others who have similar issues and live in less than ideal households. Secondly, dealing with trauma is significantly harder than I have depicted it here. I wrote their traumas to reflect the most ideal situation, where they all wanted to work on their grief and pain. A lot of people don't have that luxury. This story depicts the most ideal situations, from Alice's father, Eros' grief, and Ryder coming out. Things worked out for them. Things often don't work out in the real world.
But despite this, I love their stories and I love these characters and I truly, from the bottom of my heart, hope you enjoyed this story. Thank you for reading this stupidly simple story, and thank you for your support.
I hope this story made you feel something.
all my love,
ashti
P.S.: If you are wondering how I am feeling after finishing this book, I answer with Alice's answer: I feel whole.