Ryder looked at me sternly. "It's time we discuss whack shit Alice."
A smile, unbeknownst to him appeared on my face. Despite how much Ryder hated the last number on my list, I frankly adored it, maybe more so because it wrought so much annoyance for Ryder.
"What about it?" I placed the homework I was reviewing for Ryder on the space beside me in my bed, weaving my hands together and placing them in my lap.
"You have two numbers left on your list. One, I can't help you withâ no offense, and whack shit, as annoying as it is, it is the last thing we have to do to finish your list and I would like some idea of what whack shit is so that I can make it happen."
I shrugged, providing a joking answer, the true meaning of #13 forever hidden for me and only me. "Whack shit is whatever whack shit wants to be. It's spontaneity and responsible recklessness, it's something I wouldn't do on any normal day."
He stared back at me and it was as though I could see the gears moving in his brain as he tried so desperately to find a solution to the ever-remaining issue that would be #13. His lips were pressed into a hard line as his eyes squinted down at me, scrutinizing details of my face I knew he never bothered to look at before.
After a few minutes of silence and staring, he spoke. "We're going to prom."
I laughed. "No we're not Ryder."
He too laughed and waved his finger at me. "Ah, ah ah Alice! This is something you would never doâ as I recall you still believe half the school hates you, even though they don't and thus you would never step near any school-sanctioned event unless I dragged you to it. Besides, this is responsible recklessness, we won't do anything illegal and be normal, tramua-less teenagers for the night."
The accomplished smirk that had been lifting the corners of my mouth fell into a frown and I crossed my arms against my chest, standing from the bed. "No!" I protested, "Prom is tonight! And it's in San Francisco! And we don't even have tickets!"
He waved his hand and pulled himself off my bed, walking into my closet and pulling the tulle dress I wore for his parents gala out.
Five months later and the navy blue dress was still as breathtaking as the first time I saw it.
"ASB loves me, you really think they wouldn't let me and my dates into prom?" Ryder said, hanging the dress on the back of my door, smoothing over the places of the dress that had become wrinkled. "Besides, we're only juniors, it's not like this prom actually matters, and even then, would you have ever even thought of going to your junior prom?"
He turned to me with a triumphant smirk. "I'm pretty sure this falls perfectly in the category of whack shit."
I frowned at him, more bamboozled than I'd rather admit to him, my list, although not forgotten, was no longer a top priority any longer... I had more important things to focus on. "Prom is in five hours and it takes two hours alone to drive to San Fransisco! We can't Ryder."
His eyes glinted. "I wouldn't bet on that Alice," he pulled his phone from his pocket as he waltzed out of my bedroom door, pressing the phone to his ear as he turned to look back at me. "I'll pick you up at six. Don't be late."
And with that, he was trampling down the worn wooden staircase, muttering under his breath, "Pick up the damn phone!"
He turned to look back at me as he reached the bottom of the stairs, grinning. "Eros!" He exclaimed, speaking into his phone and turning back around to pull my front door open. He gave me an excited wave and slammed the door as he said to Eros on the phone, "what are you doing tonight?"
My stomach twisted at the thought of seeing Eros tonight, the thought of seeing Eros as I wore the same dress I had worn when everything really started for us, the gala.
That night seemed so far away, and yet it was only a few months ago, it was only a few months ago Eros and I were barely coming to terms about being friends, and now, we've hopelessly and toxically fallen for one another.
I wondered in retrospect if our toxicity had been conceived there, that night, when we shared our deepest secrets in the security of Ryder's bedroom with a bottle of brandy wasting us away. I felt my cheeks redden at the thought of that night, when it became apparent to me: I meant a whole lot more to Eros than he had been letting on.
Turning, I walked back into my bedroom and my eyes settled on the dress, and slowly, a smile formed on my lips.
Yes, it would be like that night, with me in that dress and Eros probably in a suit, but this would be different. I wasn't that same girl anymore and though I still wasn't the girl that deserved Eros, this was our first step, hopefully in the right direction.
And it was with that thought that I stepped into Angelica and I's bathroom, prepared to cross whack shit off my list tonight.
â¦
I could see Angelica's excitement as she stepped back away from me, smiling down on the makeup that was just applied to my skin. I couldn't help but return her smile, shyly. I wished she could've gone with me, experience this moment with me, get dolled up and have a genuine reason to be happy, but getting Ryder, Eros, and I tickets were hard enough, let alone getting one for a 10th grader.
"This might be my best work," she said as she stepped back from me, folding her arms against her chest. "Blended to perfection I dare say."
I rolled my eyes, my smile growing from her humor, shifting on the toilet seat. "As long as I don't look like I have dirt on my face," I replied sassily, recalling the first time I used bronzer and how awful that went for me and further, how many people asked me if I had been playing in the dirt that day.
Angelica smile grew and she laughed, "So you like it then?"
Giving her a pointed glare, I pointed at my face, "Someone has never covered my breakouts betterâ you can't even see a bump!" I made extra emphasis to the place where my pimple had been, now covered skillfully by Angelica. "Of course I like it you dumb dumb."
She zipped up her makeup bag and shoved it under the sink. "If anyone still dislikes you at school they won't when they see you tonight, I mean look at you Alice, you're ethereal!"
My eyes slid from her to the bathroom mirror, and I saw her words in my appearance, for the first time, really looking at the makeup she put on me. My eyes were surrounded by flecks of golden shadow and I looked alive, blushing and excited. I looked dainty and gentle and kind, a person I wanted to embody though I wasn't sure I did.
Though Angelica didn't beat my face for the Gods, a part of me wished she had, a part of me wished she made me look like a bad bitch so I could feel like one, so I could encompass that identity tonight, but I knew the makeup and clothes would come off at the end of the evening and all I'd be left with, was me.
And tonight, I was me, I was the me that I always wanted to be.
"You look like amazing," Angelica smiled as she placed a gentle hand on my shoulder, squeezing it.
"Thanks baby," I whispered, touching her hand gently, leaning my cheek against the smooth surface of her palm.
Our tender moment was interrupted by the start of my phone vibrating on the bathroom counter. I could see Ryder's name flashing on the screen.
Before I could even protest Angelica picked up my phone, sliding the answer button and spoke into the phone, "Hello Ryder! If you don't come pick my sister up from the door like a gentleman I will end youâ this is a formal threat! Ring the doorbell, and I'll see you in a minute handsome!" She pulled the phone from her cheek and ended the call, a grin stretching her lips across her face.
Taking the phone from her her, she smiled at me as I looked at her flabbergasted. "What?" She said defensively. "You deserve to be treated like the queen you are and I will not let you settle for less!"
My heart swelled with pride at the strong woman she was, how quickly she rose to defend me and demand what she wanted. She was everything I hoped to be, everything I'm sure Mom wanted out of a girl. "I love you," I said, stroking her hair affectionately.
She closed her eyes, basking in my touch. "I love you too."
I smoothed down the tulle of the dress. "What are you going to do tonight since I won't be here?" I asked, passing her and entering my bedroom where I picked up my purse and slipped my phone in.
"Probably go over to a boys house," she said casually.
"Excuse me!" I turned quickly and narrowed my eyes at her. "I don't think me going to prom is reason enough for you to go over to a boys house!"
She rolled her eyes. "I was kidding. I'll probably have some girls over and we'll watch a movie!"
I tilted my head. "You want to bring girls over, toâ to our house?"
The doorbell rang, but Angelica and I both ignored it.
"Yeah," she shoved her hands into the pocket of her jeans. "Dad left a note on the kitchen counter that he was going to be at the office for a while and wouldn't be home until late."
Though she didn't seem apprehensive about that note, a part of me couldn't help but worry, what if he was just going to a bar? What if he was regressing into the man I knew? I wanted to see the best in him but for so long he'd been letting me down, how could I trust him now?
"Well," I paused, not sure how to reassure her and warn her at the same time. "Have fun. Do you need any money for pizza?"
She shook her head and smiled coyly, as she shoved me down the stairs. "No, I'm okay, thanks though. I think I'm going to cook the pasta you taught me how to make."
I smiled and we walked down the stairs together, our hands interlocked.
The doorbell rang again and from behind the closed door I could hear Ryder's exasperated plead. "I'm here picking her up from the door Jells and no one isâ"
Ryder was cut off as Angelica opened the door to two dashingly handsome men, and before anyone could acknowledge how well dressed everyone was, Angelica spoke to Eros directly, "Hey! Do you think you could get me a job at the ice cream shop?"
My eyes cut to his, and while his flickered to mine, they firmly shifted to Angelica and he smiled his smile he'd always reserved for Angelica. "Aren't you a little young to be working Jells?"
She shrugged, looking slightly more defeated, but persisted. "That's why I'm asking you! Besides, I don't want to be a financial drain on Alice anymore, it'd be good for me to earn my own money and stuff."
This time when his eyes slid over to mine, they stayed, and the deep blue mellowed into a soft blue gray. "I'll talk to Aria, but I can't make any promises."
Angelica squealed from beside me and lunged forward out of the door to wrap her arms around Eros. "A maybe is better than a flat out no!"
Eros strained with Angelica in his arms replying with a lofty voice, "When did I ever say maybe?"
She pulled back with a grin, and Eros returned that smile shyly, "Stop trying to be funny Eros it doesn't work with you."
Eros rolled his eyes at her insult, folding his arms against his chest, and his face suddenly became stoic as he continued to gaze at Angelica. "Jells," he began, shifting on his feet. "I wanted to apologize, for all those nights ago when I shoved Ryder...and I scared you."
I could feel Angelica tense beside me, she may have acted like it didn't bother her, but I could see it still did.
"I shouldn't have touched Ryder in the first place and it was never my intention to scare you, I love you Jells and I only want happiness and joy for you."
Eros' eyes were gentle and caring, a small, hopeful smile curling the ends of his lips.
"Thanks Eros, IâI forgive you."
From the corner of my eye, I could see Angelica relax, regress into the girl who adored the two men in front of her.
Eros ruffled her hair. "Good, you wanna get burgers tomorrow?"
She laughed and nodded, tucking her arm into mine, resting her head on my shoulder. I squeezed her hand affectionately.
"You guys ready?" I said breathlessly, addressing the wonderfully dressed men in front of Angelica and I, my gaze faltering to Ryder, in a fitted navy blue suit, his curls arranged perfectly atop his head, a smile making him so much more handsome.
"Only if my date is," Ryder returned my small smile, extending his hand to me.
My smile grew and I placed my hand in his, stepping outside into the still warm evening air.
"As you did when you first wore this dress, you look lovely Alice," Ryder kissed the top of my hand, interlocking our fingers as he straightened up from his kiss. He grinned, and immediately, a sense of security and calamity washed over me.
It was to be a night with my best friendsâgranted we were all broken, but we had each other and somehow that was enough.
"She does."
Eros' voice was husky, like he was trying to contain himself, like he was really trying to be who I wanted him to be, how he would be one day. When I looked at him though, all I saw was everlasting adoration and love.
I smiled at him. "Well look at you Erosâ you clean up pretty well," my fingers brushed the shoulder of his suit jacket, as usual in a completely black suit, down to the black tie that was messily knotted. I left it alone.
"What about me?" Ryder complained and I dropped my hand from Eros' shoulder, rolling my eyes at Ryder's attitude.
"You are a vision of beauty and grace Ryder," I gushed, my smile only growing. "But we're going to be late if we keep standing here complimenting each other."
Ryder smirked at me. "#13 here we go!"
â¦
Frankly, I had no idea where we were, what part of San Francisco we were in, what we were doing besides the fact that we were not getting into prom.
"What do you mean you won't let us in!" Ryder pouted at the ASB president who stared hard down at Ryder, making Ryder seem like a small child.
"I mean," the ASB president, Brian, sighed. "You didn't buy tickets and maybe if it were just you it'd be okay, but you brought two other guests who do attend this school, but not one of you bought a ticket."
"How much are the tickets, I'll pay for them right now," Ryder grumbled, pulling his wallet from his suit pocket, staring determinedly at Brian.
"You can't buy them now Ryder! We sold out of tickets and it'd be super unfair of me if I just let you guys inâ if I let you bribe your way in!"
Eros and I shifted on our feet, exchanging worried looks. "Ryder," Eros reached forward and grasped Ryder's shoulder. "It's not that big of a deal, we'll find something else to do."
Ryder pulled his shoulder roughly away from Eros. "No! I promised Alice we'd do this, and we're going to fucking do it!" His eyes narrowed at Brian and his mouth opened to speak again, but I cut him off, pulling him back to whisper in his ear.
"Ryder," I started softly. "This is truly the best case scenario...whack shit is this being unplanned, unexpected, something that is truly an adventure for the three of us, for only the three of us..."
I felt his body slacken under my hand and after shooting Brian another dirty look, he turned to Eros and I.
"Okay," he pulled his phone out of his suit pocket.
"Well," I said as he beamed at us. "That was uncannily easy."
He rolled his eyes uncharacteristically. "I say we grab some good 'ol dinner food to start our night off."
I raised my eyebrows in disbelief and pulled Ryder away from the crowded groups of people standing in front of the venue, steering him towards the car, feeling mildly amused and yet mildly excited for the night that was only to come.
Glancing back at the crowd that stood in front of the prom venue, I swallowed hard. Truthfully, I wasn't ready to face the school, even if I wasn't that girl they thought I was. I wasn't ready to complete another number on my list like that and being with Eros and Ryder was the only way I could even imagine finishing #13, in only a way we could.
I turned my head back, catching Eros' eyes in doing so. I tilted my head in question.
He shrugged. "Did you even want to go to prom, face all those people who turned their back on you?"
You turned your back on me, I thought wistfully, but replied with, "It was Ryder's idea, what do you think, besides, did you even want to go to prom?"
Eros frowned at me and shoved his hands deep into his slacks pockets. "Not really, but I want to help you with you with your list..." he trailed off, looking sheepish.
My eyes flitted away from his gaze, cheeks warming with a deep blush only he could get from me.
Ryder glanced back at the two of us as he unlocked his car, his eyes wavering between the distance of Eros and I's bodies. "I was thinking we'd hit up our old haunts, I'm talking Twin Peaks with hot chocolate and donut holes. Maybe then we'll hit up good 'ol Mel's for dinner."
I raised a brow and gestured to our attire, "You don't think that we are perhaps a bit overdressed for Twin Peaks and Mel's? Not to mention we don't have our coats?"
Ryder's eyes gleamed. "I have everything planned Alice, don't you dare doubt me!"
Eros and I exchanged a look as we entered the car. I would never doubt Ryder... but trust him to make spontaneous plans? Never.
Ryder turned the engine over, happily humming as he plugged a donut shop into his phone's GPS. He then rolled all the windows down as he pulled the car out of the parking lot and entered the rather lonely street, speeding away from the prom venue as if he didn't throw a mild tantrum in front of its doors ten minutes ago.
If I craned my neck out of the window enough, I could spot the constellations Eros once taught to me, though now they looked more like a swirling blob than the beautiful drawings in the sky.
"Alice you're going to get your head chopped off like in that one movie!" Ryder warned as he turned up the stereo, blasting music that made my bones vibrate.
Well. He was not wrong. I quickly ducked my head back into the car and patted my hair down foolishly. Like I could ever reverse the damage the wind did to the beautiful curls Angelica had so delicately worked on.
Eros glanced back at me. "Your hair looks fine, quit touching it!"
I pouted. "I don't want to waste all of Angelica's hard work!"
Ryder laughed from the front as he stuck his hand out the window and let the wind run through his fingers. "I expect Angelica anticipates you coming home with messy hair, I meanâ did you even have a good time if you didn't?"
I returned his laugh with a roll of my eyes. "If I come home with messy hair, Angelica might interpret it as me having a different kind of fun."
"Either way means you had a good time and that works for me!" Ryder exclaimed, pulling the car into the parking lot of the donut shop.
The donut shop sign was bright red, glinting a hazy glow across the dark parking lot. There weren't any other cars in front of the shop and peering in, we saw a half-asleep working behind the counter. We exited the car and pulled the door of the shop open. The bell above the door rung and the worker woke up with a start.
Looking blearily up at us, the worker gestured to the almost empty shelves. "This is all we got folks." Then he tilted his head at us, eyebrows knitted. "Why are you guys dressed like that?"
Ryder beamed as he stepped forwards towards the counter. As he peered into the glass container at the dozen donuts he said, "We just ditched prom! And we'll take all the donuts left please."
Eros and I immediately looked at each other with similar faces of incredulity. The fact of the matter was that I'd probably eat one and a half, Eros would have two, and Ryder would eat two and then eat the other half of mine. We did not need this many donuts.
When he turned to look at us though, he waved a hand, "I don't want to hear it! Imagine how excited Angelica will be when Alice gives her the rest!"
"Yeah like Angelica could ever eat more than one donut in a sitting," I retorted, beating Ryder to the cashier as I handed over my card with a small smile.
"Wait! We're getting this too!" Eros sped over to me and placed the package of a disposable camera on the counter, winking at me when I looked at him confused.
"What for?" I asked.
"Oh, but Alice! How are we going to remember this epic night if we don't document it somehow?" Eros teased me, picking up the camera and tearing it out of its package after the cashier rang us up.
"Um. I don't know, take photos on our phones like normal teenagers?" I retorted, handing my debit card to the cashier before turning to Eros with my arms crossed against my chest.
Eros' eyes glinted in the fluorescent light mischievously. He leaned down to my height so his face was mere inches from my own, his breath fanning over my skin. Unconsciously, my gaze focused on his full lips, barely hearing the words coming out of them.
"When have we ever been normal teenagers Alice?"
â¦
when I say the end is near, I mean it.
Thank you to all old and new readers for joining me on this wild ride. You all mean more to me than you'll ever know.
Hope all is well with you and that you're safe and happy.