Ben's (Dissociated) P.O.V.
I feel like I'm going to puke. I brace myself against the counter, trying to calm down, but my breaths are coming out shaky at best. I can do this. I just need to get Jay to my dad's office. Everything will be fine. It's fine. I watch myself fill the cup with water and take it out to the living room.
"Jay, how are you feeling?" Asks the voice that comes out of me.
"Better... still sore..." He says with great difficulty.
My head nods, and my hands bring the cup to his lips for him to sip the water.
"Can you stand? Let's get you out to the car." My body moves to help him up, and I grab my keys off the counter as we slowly amble out the door with his arm over my shoulders.
My brain goes through the motions and starts the car, though my mind is anything but present. It's like I'm watching everything happen through the lens of a movie. At some point we arrive at the hospital, my dad waiting out front.
"Ben?" I hear Jay's voice say next to me, and I suddenly realize with a slight panic that I've been heavily dissociating.
It's strange though. I've reached the point where I can tell that I have very high anxiety levels right now, but nothing feels real. Some part of my brain has taken over as an autopilot and I'm just observing as I say, "Let's go inside."
My feet move down the walkways with Jay and we go down the halls with my dad until we reach an observation room.
My dad gives Jay clothes to change into as he goes to get something from his office, so I wait just outside the room.
I watch blankly as nurses pass by down the hall, busy with their own work.
Suddenly Dave is standing in front of me, waving his hand in front of my face.
"Ben."
"Sorry, what?" Reality suddenly snaps back and I'm hit by a wave of squeezing anxiety, my hands shaking at my sides.
"Are you okay?" I open my mouth to lie, but something in me just can't withstand it and my face crumples instead.
"Hey, hey, it's okay. Let's go sit down for a bit." Dave says, gently guiding me into the little section in the wall where the nurses' station is.
He pats a stool and I sit down, recognizing my heavy breathing pattern and knowing what's coming, although it doesn't make me freak out any less. My brain is screaming at me to calm down or I'll have an anxiety attack, but instead I'm just slowly spiraling.
Dave is talking to me gently, but I'm really having trouble grounding myself.
"Ben, deep breaths, remember? That's it, you're doing great. This is just a fleeting little moment and it'll be over before you know it. Yep, deep breaths. What color is the floor? What do your sleeves feel like? That's it, find those little details for me. You're doing great."
My breathing slowly steadies as Dave pulls a stool up next to me and hands me a glass of water.
"Hey, you wanna talk about it? Did you take your anxiety meds this morning?" He says as I sip the water.
I set down the cup, shaking my head. "No, I'm out." I say, chewing on my lip. "Dad's getting them restocked but it's taking a bit."
He nods. "Is something else bothering you too?"
I grimace. Pros and cons to knowing the nurses, they can read me like an open book.
I bite my lip and avoid his gaze.
Dave sighs, putting a hand on my shoulder and speaking softly. "It's Jay, isn't it? Your dad told me about him."
I try to speak, to deny it, anything. Instead I'm just silently letting tears run down my face. The truth is, Jay's a lot more to me than just a friend, and all this is hurting a lot more than it should. Even so, in the end, do I really deserve to put this on him? Is it fair of me to confess my feelings to someone who's already struggling to survive?
Dave pulls me into a hug and I sit there for a while, sobbing into his shoulder.
I never planned for any of this to happen. What would've happened if I hadn't taken Jay to see my dad on the day we met? Maybe I wouldn't be drowning in feelings, but I never would've met him either, and I know by now that I don't want to live without him.
So how am I supposed to go on now, knowing I could lose him at any moment?
Jay's P.O.V.
Everything around me seems so sluggish. It's like I'm moving through a thick fog just to get words from my mind to my mouth.
I've managed to change clothes, but Ben's left the room and all I want is him sitting by my side, even if it's while I end up falling asleep on the spot.
Ben's dad said they were going to run tests soon, but I feel like I can hardly keep my eyes open. I walk over to the door and peer outside in hopes that Ben will be right there, but only nurses pass by.
Suddenly his voice cuts through my brain fog from around the corner, and I follow the sound.
"I just want us both to be okay again, if I ever was in the first place." I stop in my tracks, listening.
An unfamiliar voice responds to his words. "Ben, once we figure out your medication it's going to help a lot. We're so close. And Jay? He's strong. He's going to make it through this. You both are."
I peer around the corner just as Ben, back turned, flings a nurse's hand off his shoulder and stands, now raising his voice.
"Dave, you don't know that. I'm so sick and tired of hearing people say that anyone who's got a likely fatal illness is going to just magically get better because they're strong."
"What of it is even in anyone's power? It's just the universe playing with us. It's a matter of dumb luck, the gods above gambling with lives." He laughs dryly.
"Say people are strong all you want. Their ability to survive is predetermined by fate. Nothing we do is going to change that."
I hide around the wall again as Ben turns and walks away from the nurse, despite the calls that follow.
His footsteps approach my spot, and I suck in a quick breath as he rounds the corner and abruptly stops. We make eye contact for several silent seconds.
I turn away, walking back to my room and shutting the door behind me before he can follow.
I slide down the door to the floor, taking in a shuddering breath.
A hesitant knock and a sigh comes from the other side of the door. "Jay, let me in."
I ignore him and play with my fingers, trying to distract myself from the emotion that's starting to rise up in my chest.
I tilt my head back to rest on the door, unable to stop the tears that spill down my face.
Really, he's right. We can both deny it all we want, but the fact is that all of this is out of our control. Yes, I trust the doctors to do their best, but in the end that's sometimes not enough. Things can progress far enough that people are past saving, and the reality is that anyone can end up as one of those people.
"Jay, please." Ben says, knocking on the door again, but my body's just so burnt out that I'm rooted to the floor. Even if I had the energy to let him in, I'm not sure I would anyway.
Why did I ever get him involved in this? None of this was supposed to be his problem, but now that I've dragged him in there's only so much I can do to prevent him from getting hurt.
I take a deep breath. "Ben, please leave."
He wiggles the handle again with a frustrated sigh. "Jay, please. We need to talk."
"I don't want to talk anymore. Just leave." I say, squeezing my eyes shut and trying to keep my voice steady.
It wasn't fair of me to drag him into this, and it's not fair for him to have to worry about me all the time either. Even if I want Ben in my life, there's others that I can lean on instead who actually volunteered to be around me. It's not fair of me to put this on someone who feels guilty because another is on the brink of death.
He continues to knock on the door and plead with me, but after telling him to leave several more times I hear fading footsteps and he's gone.
I pull in a shuddering breath, trying to work up the courage to call Devon. The thing is, I have to tell my sister eventually, and I'd rather have some support when I do it.
I dial the number, the phone ringing a few times before he picks up. "Hey, what's up?"
"Hey, uh, are you busy today?"
"Nah, I've got the day off. You wanna hang out?"
"I mean... kinda? I'm at the hospital..." I say, unsure how to approach it.
"Jeez man, why didn't you tell me sooner?! I'll be there in like 10 minutes. You doing okay?" He asks.
"Well, I'm at a hospital, so no." I say with a laugh.
"Okay fair, dumb question. Ben with you?"
I pause.
"Jay?"
I sigh. "Words were said... I might've told him to leave." I hesitate. "I... overheard him talking to a nurse about how nothing's in our control really, that it's fate's decision whether we survive. It... kinda got in my head."
"Jeez. That seems out of character for him. I wonder if there's something else going on." Devon says. "Did he at least apologize?"
"He wanted to talk after... I just told him to leave. Look, it's better for both of us this way. Devon, I'm the one who dragged him into all of this. He never asked for it."
"Look, maybe it's not my place to meddle in, but he's never once backed down from helping you. He's wholeheartedly made the choice to help you every time, no matter what it entails. Maybe at the start you were just looking for a passerby to help, but he hasn't stopped there. He's actively made the decision to be there for you, not because you dragged him in. At least give that some thought before you push him away. Anyway, I'm here now so text me your room number and I'll be right up. Hanging up now."
"Okay. See you in a bit."
I toss my phone back on the bed, staring out the window as I contemplate what Devon's said.
And really, he's right. There's got to be a reason that Ben would say something like that. Even so, I can't quite shake his words because my subconscious recognizes their element of truth.
I know that I can't control any of it. That's why I'm so scared of all of this in the first place, and I guess it's why I've put off telling Alexa. Some part of me holds onto a hope that if I don't recognize it or think about it, then it will just go away by itself.
The door opens and I jump from the sudden noise pulling me out of my thoughts as Devon enters.
"Hey, how're you feeling?" He asks, pulling a chair next to my bed.
I shrug. "Less foggy than before, but still kinda off."
"You didn't even tell me how you got here in the first place. What happened?"
I play with my fingers, avoiding his gaze. "They said I had a seizure." I say quietly, the words feeling funny in my mouth. "They're gonna run more tests."
I take in a shaky breath. "Devon, I haven't told Alexa yet."