Jay's P.O.V.
Everything has just become too much.
I'm tired of all the memories I can't escape, I don't know how to tell Alexa about my cancer, and really, above all, I don't want to die.
I suddenly realize I've been walking so fast that I've ended up at the park. I let my body collapse onto a bench, out of breath, and finally let loose the emotions I've been holding in.
There's no one around and the sky's turned cloudy and gray, like the looming shadow that's crept into my thoughts.
I'm gripping the edge of the bench tightly, trying not to completely panic, but I can still tell my hands are quivering.
I stare out into the gloomy street, suddenly thankful it's so empty so no one can witness my latest breakdown.
It's then that I see him. The streets might've turned foggy, but just after I make out the silhouette his features come into clarity and I recognize him.
My first instinct is to bolt, but my body's not listening to my screaming brain and I'm frozen in place.
Just like his dick of a brother, he's got dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. Falling for this guy in the first place is what spiraled my junior year down the toilet.
Actually, I'm sure it started by forming a friendship with him and thinking he wouldn't care that I was gay. Although developing a crush on him definitely didn't help.
I sink back onto the bench, hoping he doesn't notice me. Of course, as soon as I think this, his head turns and we lock eyes.
I shrink back further as he crosses the street, moving closer and closer until he's standing directly in front of me.
He raises a hand and I flinch, closing my eyes as I expect a blow to the face.
Gentle fingertips come to rest on my cheek, and I flinch again at the contact before my eyes shoot open in surprise to find Ben looking back at me instead.
My whole body is absolutely trembling and I can't push myself to form words, still in shock as I look around to find only the same empty streets and Ben's face looking back at me.
"Jay?" Ben questions, trying to draw my eyes to his instead of letting them rapidly shift around.
He sits next to me on the bench and I inhale a large shaky breath, still on edge.
My eyes are still bouncing around, looking anxiously for the face I just saw. He couldn't have just appeared and disappeared out of nowhere.
A hand touches my arm and I jump, looking over to still only find Ben. He quickly removes his hand as he realizes how startled I am, and instead puts his hands back in his lap.
"Sorry, I wasn't trying to scare you." He says, bright green eyes searching mine. He sighs. "Will you tell me what's going on with you?"
"I just-" My breath catches in the lump in my throat. I swallow heavily, nerves still at full height. "Did you see anybody else when you were coming over here? Guy of about 5 foot 9, brown hair, brown eyes?"
His brows wrinkle. "No, the streets are empty. The only person I saw was you."
I inhale shakily again, still looking around. "Right," I mumble, my gaze now shifting to my feet.
It's enough to have him reappear in my dreams. Now I'm hallucinating him in the day too?
I grip the edge of the bench tighter, even though the wood digs into my fingers already.
"Jay, let's try some deep breaths." I hear Ben say, but the words seem distant and underwater.
Anxiety grips my chest and I can't stop my breathing from coming out as wheezing. I know that if I don't calm down it's going to turn into a full-blown panic attack but that's only making me freak out more.
"Jay, hey, look at me," Ben says somewhere in the distance, but my eyes are watering and the world is spinning and I can't see straight.
Hands take mine and I hold them tightly, my only grip on reality. I try to speak but all that comes out is a choked sob.
I manage to gasp out, "I don't want to die," just as the edges of my vision turn dark.
Suddenly there are arms around me, holding me tight and rubbing my back gently. Ben's voice speaks gently in my ear.
"Jay, we're going to do everything in our power to prevent that. You're really important to me and I'm not going to let you go that easy."
We sit together on the bench in the darkness, Ben just holding me as I cry silently into his chest.
"I know things have been really difficult lately, but holding everything in doesn't help. Is there anything you want to talk about?" He says, still rubbing my back.
"No... yeah... kind of..." I sniff, feeling incredibly vulnerable. I stare off into the darkness, unable to make eye contact with him but suddenly rambling everything that's been bouncing around in my head out into the universe.
"There are things that happened last year that I should be over by now, but I keep having dreams about it still and it doesn't leave my mind." I sigh.
"I met this guy a couple of years back, and we became really good friends. This was before I was out to the team and anyone else except Devon. Problem is, I started to fall for this guy. Maybe I'm just a stupid hopeless romantic but I thought that he felt the same, and so I decided to confess to him."
I chew on my lip for a moment, unsure whether I want to continue.
I try to take in a deep breath to steady myself, but the sound that comes out is more like a shuddering gasp for air.
My vision spins and then everything is replaying in front of my eyes again, just as it has been in my dreams for so long.
"Pierce... I need to tell you something." I saw, leaning against the wall and watching him shove several books into his locker.
He looks up with a grin that makes my heart rate increase.
"What, did you finally manage to find a date to the spring dance?" He chuckles.
"About that... I know we've just been friends for a while, but I was hoping you'd be my date to the dance?"
A locker door slams just to his left and I look over to find his brother looking over with a sneer.
He steps forward, eyes locked on me as he stares me down just past Pierce's shoulder.
Pierce is staring at me, blinking slowly but not saying anything. He hesitantly chuckles awkwardly. "You're joking, right? Good one."
I turn my gaze away from his brother, trying to catch Pierce's eyes which have averted to his locker.
I take a deep breath. "No, actually..."
He looks up at me with a start just as his brother closes the distance to stand next to him, now openly glaring at me.
Pierce glances up at him and places a hand on his chest, holding him back, but it doesn't stop the words from leaving either of their mouths.
Pierce looks at me. "You're gay?" He asks. I hesitantly nod and watch his face morph into disgust. His hold on his brother weakens and Quint steps directly in front of me, not bothering to restrain his thoughts.
"You fucking fag. Why the hell would your perverted ass think you could ask my brother to the dance?" He growls, and I'm knocked over by a rough blow to the jaw.
I look up from the ground to find Quint stepping closer again, now delivering a kick to my ribs that takes the wind out of me.
There's plenty of people nearby, but they're all just whispering to each other and watching.
"He's gay?"
"He's probably been watching all the other guys change in the locker rooms. What a pervert."
I close my eyes as another kick lands on my ribs, making my eyes water and it harder to restrain my screams of pain.
I look over to catch Pierce's brown eyes, but he just shakes his head in disgust at me and walks away, leaving me to get beat up by his brother.
Quint leans over me and punches me in the face, making my vision spin.
In my blurred vision, I manage to make out Devon and a few other teammates running over with eyes on Quint, but he punches me again and I blackout.
Something shifts and I'm pulled back to reality, my whole body shaking in Ben's arms.
He pulls me tight and lets my head rest in the crook of his neck while I let everything flow out of me.
He pulls back for a moment to look at me, but I avoid his gaze until he uses his fingertips to gently tip my chin up.
"Hey, look at me."
I hesitantly make eye contact with his bright green irises.
"I know that you've gone through a lot lately, and I certainly know that none of it has been easy. Sometimes life has other plans and things don't turn out as we expect. We get thrown into winds of change without consent, and then we're flailing in the deep end struggling for air."
He takes a deep breath.
"My point is, I know firsthand that things aren't easy, and there are going to be bad days, sometimes even bad years, because that's just what fate decides."
"I know that things haven't gone as planned for either of us and while I do wish we met and moved in together under different circumstances, I'm glad it happened."
"You're really important to me and your well-being is one of my priorities too. I want you to know that whatever happens, I'm going to be right here with you to help you work it out. You aren't alone."
I draw in another shuddering breath, but he never breaks eye contact. I'm increasingly aware of his soft fingers resting on my chin and my heart pounding in my chest.
"Ben..." I take another breath, now breaking eye contact and staring down at the bench. "Thank you. I know I haven't told you everything... and I'm sorry for that. I'm just..." I take in a shaky breath, but he puts his hands on my shoulders and interrupts me.
"It's not a requirement for you to tell me everything that's happened in your life. I just don't want you to stay quiet about what you're feeling and bottle it up so much that you're dragging yourself down." Ben says, now taking my hands.
My eyes mist up again and I look up at him. "Okay."
He pulls me into his chest again, and we stay hugging for a few moments. I allow myself to relax into his touch and just breathe him in, and it settles some of my anxiety.
He pulls back and stands up, offering me a hand. "Let's go home."
I give him a watery smile and take his hand, standing up.
We start walking back, now hand in hand, and I smile to myself.
Ben glances over at me and grins. "What's that smile for?"
I look over at him. "I'm just lucky to have you in my life," I say, turning my gaze back to the sidewalk to hide my blush.
He squeezes my hand and we make our way inside the apartment, Ben guiding me to the couch.
"Lay down for a bit and I'll make supper." He says, turning back toward the kitchen.
I catch him by the wrist and he turns back around in surprise.
I open my mouth to speak again but lose all my words as I make eye contact with him. I clear my throat and stand up quickly, stepping forward but suddenly feeling extremely lightheaded.
The world spins a bit and I blink a few times, my balance thrown off. I refocus my sight and realize that I've fallen back onto the couch, with Ben now on top of me and me still holding his wrist. My face heats up as I realize just how close we are.
Our faces are directly in front of each other and I'm increasingly aware of his knee right next to my crotch. If I leaned in a few inches our lips would be touching.
Our gazes are locked and I'm frozen in place.
"Jay..." he says softly, breath floating across my lips.