Chapter 29: Chapter 28. The Horrific Memory That Almost Led to My Death

CLAIRE

Avoiding Blake was proving to be a tougher task than I’d anticipated. It’s been three days and he seems to be everywhere I turn. I’ve managed to slip away before he spots me, but it’s still unnerving.

I’m still nursing the wounds from the beating Logan and his gang gave me. The bruises are slowly fading, but they still ache. Nancy has been checking on me daily, making sure I’m okay.

I asked her how she knew where to find me. She said, “I didn’t. I tried calling you because I had a present for you.

“When you didn’t pick up, I called Blake. When he said you weren’t with him, I knew something was off.”

I guess I was lucky she decided to look for me. I don’t know how much longer I could’ve lasted on that cold, hard tile floor without medical help.

The next morning, I told Nancy I was going to steer clear of Blake. Who knows what James would do if he found out we were friends?

When James and I were together, he was always the jealous and possessive type. It was cute at first, but his lack of trust in me quickly became irritating.

I shook my head, focusing on the task at hand. I was at the gym, pounding away at the red bag hanging from the ceiling in one of the training rooms.

My hands were encased in red boxing gloves, and I was channeling all my frustration into the worn-out bag in front of me.

Each punch I landed sent a rush of adrenaline through me. I delivered a swift kick to the bag, followed by a full 360-degree turn, landing lightly on my feet.

My breaths came in heavy pants as I moved from side to side, landing a hard punch on the bag. Another kick sent the bag swinging away from me.

I took a deep breath, removing my gloves. My heart was racing and I reached for my water bottle, taking a long, refreshing gulp.

It was 4:30 p.m. and I’d been here since 1:30 p.m. My muscles were crying out for a break, but I was determined to stay until five, then head home for a relaxing bath, dinner, and bed.

If you hadn’t noticed, I wasn’t at my best today. I hadn’t practiced for a week, and I was a bit rusty.

So, I decided to get back into my routine of hitting the gym every other day for three-hour sessions.

There were only a few people in the gym, lifting weights or running laps.

But I was on high alert. After my last run-in with Logan and James, I wasn’t taking any chances. I made sure to keep Nancy close.

I kept telling myself that if I kept my distance from the people I cared about, maybe Logan wouldn’t try to hurt them like he did Nancy.

And then there was Blake. He laughed when I told him I was White Wolf. He didn’t believe me. I’d shared one of my biggest secrets, and he’d brushed it off.

~Yeah, what a friend.~

~

I sighed, leaning against the wooden wall. Images from three nights ago flooded my mind. The blood, the screams, the cruel smiles on James and Logan’s faces.

It felt like I could still feel their punches and kicks. The sickening kiss Logan forced on me. The mere thought of his lips on mine again made me want to throw up.

A shudder ran through me. I closed my eyes tightly, trying to push the memories away. But when they faded, other images took their place.

Blood. So much blood and yelling. I bit my lip to keep it from trembling.

Images of shocked and pained eyes filled my mind. Hazel eyes that looked so empty and lifeless. ~Those were my eyes,~ I realized again.

A tear slipped down my cheek and I wrapped my arms around myself, holding on tightly. I rocked back and forth, the horrific memory of that night replaying in my mind.

~I cried and cried, wondering why he did it. Why James cheated on me, why he ended things so abruptly, and why I wasn’t good enough.~

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~I’d walked in on him making out with Ashley in the girls’ locker room. Just the day before, I’d given him everything: my heart, my soul... my body.~

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~James had taken the one thing I’d vowed to save for someone I truly loved: my virginity. I loved him. I still do.~

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~And when I caught him with Ashley, it broke me. But I forgave him.~

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~I wanted to talk it out. I wanted to understand why he’d do something like that, especially with Ashley, the one person I absolutely despised!~

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~I found myself thinking, I just wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, or worthy enough.~

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~My heart pounded in my chest and my breaths came in heavy gasps. Sobs wracked my body and I struggled to get off my bed.~

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~Dad was at the gas station and mom was at work. It was already seven o’clock and mom wouldn’t be home until eleven.~

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~Dad had just left, and no one knew about James and me breaking up, except for Ashley. I didn’t know if she’d told anyone, but I didn’t care.~

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~I just wasn’t good enough for anything. The guy I loved had cheated on me and left me, my parents ignored me, everyone at school hated me… No one loved me.~

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~The idea of death seemed more and more appealing each time I thought about it. No one would care. Sure, my parents would feel guilty and students would feel pity, but they’d all move on.~

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~After all, they all acted as if I wasn’t there anyway.~

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~With that thought, I stumbled towards my bathroom. Hiccups escaped my lips as I turned on the hot water for a bath.~

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~Dizziness washed over me, and I collapsed to the floor. My head pounded and I started to hyperventilate, the thoughts and images swirling in my mind becoming too much. A cry escaped my lips as the pain intensified.~

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~I slowly rose, the pain starting to ebb away. I made my way to my room, shedding my clothes and wrapping myself in a towel.~

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~Back in the bathroom, I locked the door behind me. The towel fell away, and a shiver ran through me as the cold air prickled my skin. I hesitated, biting my lip, wondering if I should really go through with it.~

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~But my inner demons won the argument, and I took the blade from the razor.~

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~Holding the blade, I stepped into the hot water. The steam began to soothe my tense muscles and slow my racing heart as I sank down.~

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~Once I was lying in the tub, I gripped the blade. Its sharp edges bit into my skin, drawing blood. But it didn’t hurt. It felt... relieving.~

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~I’d never cut before. I’d never thought about ending my life. I’d never felt this shattered, this broken.~

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~But I finally understood: I was alone.~

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~Just a 15-year-old girl, lost, hurting, and confused. I didn’t belong here. I didn’t have a reason to be here.~

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~Why should I stay on this earth if I can’t find joy in life? If no one loves me, what’s the point of living a life filled with heartbreak and loneliness?~

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~With trembling hands, I brought the blade to my left arm and started to cut. The water turned red as my blood flowed out.~

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~My arm went numb, the blood rushing out. It felt... good. It felt like relief, like a weight lifted off my shoulders.~

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~I let out a deep breath and set the blade on the edge of the tub. I was shaking, the water around me turning red as blood continued to seep from my arm.~

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~My breathing slowed, and I could feel my heart beating slower with each breath.~

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~A pounding sound broke through my haze. “Claire!” a voice called out, faint and distant.~

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~My eyelids were heavy, starting to close, when the door was kicked open. My father stood there, a whirlwind of emotions in his eyes: shock, anger, worry.~

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~The last thing I saw was his shaking hands dialing numbers on his phone before everything went dark.~

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Turns out, my dad had wanted me to run to the store for some milk. But when I didn’t answer his calls or open the door, he knew something was wrong.

I was in a medically induced coma for a week before I woke up. The doctors said that if my dad hadn’t found me when he did, I wouldn’t have made it. My parents were furious with me. They thought I was being selfish, but they didn’t understand why I did it. They still don’t.

I’ve hated myself for it ever since. I was giving up. I was ready to end my life because I didn’t ~believe~ anyone would care. But my parents were terrified of losing me. I’ll never forget the look of disappointment on my mom’s face when she left the hospital room.

I was selfish. I didn’t consider how my actions would affect those around me. I’m so grateful my dad found me when he did.

Otherwise, I wouldn’t have met Nancy, or Molly. I wouldn’t have learned how to fight. And I wouldn’t have met... Blake.

~No!~ I told myself.

~Don’t think about Blake!~

I shook my head, wiping away the tears that had slipped out.

That day, I had wanted to die. I had wanted to know what death felt like. And James was the reason for all of it.

I wiped my nose and took a long drink of water. I needed to stop thinking about it.

But I couldn’t help it. My eyes drifted to my left arm. The scars were faint, but they were still there.

I had cut too deep and needed stitches. But no one knew about it. No one except my parents knew about my suicide attempt. And I didn’t plan on anyone else finding out.

I ran my fingers over the raised scar.

I shook my head again, standing up to finish my last hour of boxing.

I needed to clear my mind. Boxing was the only thing that could do that for me. At least for now.