Chapter 18: CHAPTER 17

Sorry I didn't kiss you

But it's obvious I wanted to

Bubble gum down my throat and it's a curse

But my luck couldn't get any worse

- Bubblegum, Clairo

The next morning, Ellie barely managed to get out of bed. Quinn and her had stayed up long after their parent had already gone to bed, lying on Quinn's bed and chatting — and kissing. During the night, Quinn had also told Ellie that her friends would be coming over the next day.

"I'm sorry for not telling you earlier," she had said, "I just completely forgot. They'll be coming over around three and then we'll see if we're going to watch a movie or just talk. I hope that's okay with you but I haven't seen them in quite a while."

"Of course that's okay with me," Ellie had replied in all honesty, "they're your friends, you can see them as often as you'd like."

"Thank you, but... Dash will be coming, too, obviously. He's already complaining that we can't spend as much time together as he'd like to because of university. If he only knew the truth..."

"Hey, that's totally fine. You do whatever you feel comfortable with. Don't worry about me, I won't be pissed off if you kiss him or anything. I mean, he is your boyfriend."

Of course, Ellie was not too happy when she thought about Quinn kissing Dash but she knew the circumstances and would never blame Quinn for that.

What she would blame her for was keeping her up for so long. When Ellie came down to the kitchen, she was still so tired she feared that she would fall asleep as son as she sat down. Of course Quinn was already up and stood in the kitchen, drinking out of a white mug. The whole kitchen smelled of coffee.

"You look tired," Quinn greeted Ellie with a grin, "long night?"

"My brain is not capable of joking yet," Ellie replied and slumped down at the table.

"Coffee?" Quinn offered her a cup, "I know you don't usually drink coffee but it might help."

"Sure," Ellie grabbed the cup and took a sip, "thank you."

She looked around the main floor.

"Where are all the adults?"

"My mom is at work but I don't know where our dads and your mom are. Probably out and collecting some plant samples," she scoffed, "when I came downstairs earlier, there was a patch of pee on the floor because dad didn't let Pasta out — he can be so forgetful when he's working."

"Sounds exactly like my dad," Ellie sighed, "do you need help with cleaning it up?"

"No thanks, I already cleaned it before you came downstairs."

"Jeez, for how long have you been awake already?"

"Just an hour or so," Quinn shrugged, "I woke up kind of early but didn't want to wake you."

"I appreciate it," Ellie chuckled. The coffee seemed to be working already because she felt a little more awake as she kept taking tiny sips. Quinn came over to her with a plate of toast and sat opposite of Ellie, offering her a piece. For a little while, they both ate their toast in silence, until Quinn spoke up.

"Um... Fiona and Lillian asked me if I wanted to go skiing with them this morning. They said they would meet at the ski lift in half an hour — would that be okay for you?"

"Of course," Ellie nodded, "Quinn, they're your friends. You can spend as much time with them as you want."

"But I thought since we already won't be on our own this afternoon, we should at least spend the morning together."

She sounded so worried it almost made Ellie laugh.

"I don't mind, honestly," Ellie reassuringly smiled at Quinn, "this gives me the perfect opportunity to check in on Jodie. I haven't seen her in a while, only texted her a couple of times."

"Oh..." Quinn blushed, "I thought you could maybe... join us...?"

"Was that your idea or that of the others?"

"Mine — it would be really fun!"

"I'd probably just hold you back."

"No, you wouldn't. And even if you did: I wouldn't mind."

"You wouldn't mind," Ellie shrugged, "Fiona and Lillian might think otherwise."

"No, they wouldn't, they like you."

"Then I don't want to risk that. If they had to see how bad I am at skiing I'm sure they would start to hate me."

That cynical statement made Quinn laugh.

"Alright," she grabbed the last piece of toast and got up from her chair, "you won. I'll go upstairs and get ready. But can I at least get a kiss before I leave?"

"Of course."

Ellie scooted back with her chair, expecting Quinn to lean down for a quick peck. Instead, the other girl simply sat down on Ellie's lap and kissed her fiercely. Surprised but not opposed to this new situation, Ellie placed her hands on Quinn's hips and kissed her back. She was pretty sure she still tasted like coffee but considering that Quinn did, too, neither of them really minded. All of her senses were filled with Quinn: her weight pressing down on her thighs, not uncomfortable in the slightest but rather grounding; her smell of coffee and flowery perfume, the feeling of her hair tickling Ellie's cheeks, her sweater under Ellie's hands and her lips on her own. Ellie wanted this moment to last forever. Still, she pushed Quinn back gently.

"You have to get ready," she reminded her, "don't want to keep the girls waiting."

"I know..." Quinn put her head on Ellie's shoulder, only to lift it again and look her in the eyes, "hey, can you take Pasta with you? I don't want him to be alone."

"Of course," Ellie agreed but could not help but chuckle.

"What?"

"Oh nothing," she smirked mischievously, "I just remembered how you acted when you first found out I had taken Pasta. You know, back in January."

"Hrnghh, don't remind me! I was awful to you."

"You were," Ellie nodded but then kissed Quinn on the tip of her nose briefly, "but I'm not holding any grudges. Come on now, you have an important meeting to attend."

"You make it sound like a business meeting," Quinn giggled and got up begrudgingly, while Ellie stretched her legs, "I'm going to go change into my skiing clothes. You'll still be here when I leave, right?"

"I'm still in my pajamas," Ellie replied, "how quick do you think I am?"

"Good point."

While Quinn got ready upstairs, Ellie poured herself a second cup of coffee and got on the floor to pet Pasta, who seemed very happy about the unexpected attention he was getting. She could hear Quinn upstairs rummaging through her room and soon, there were already steps on the stairs.

"Okay, I'm leaving!" Quinn announced. She had changed into skiing clothes and kissed Ellie (and Pasta) good-bye before she left through the basement. Then, it was just Ellie and Pasta.

"So, what do you think?" Ellie asked the little dog, "Should we visit Jodie in her café?"

Pasta licked her hand in return.

The café was quite busy on this day. When Ellie arrived, she immediately spotted Jodie working behind the counter and giving out tea, coffee and cake to her customers. She pushed open the door, entered the building and took a deep breath. She had not realized how much she had missed this particular smell of vanilla and caramel.

"Hi, I'm sorry but all tables are currently occupied," a young adult approached Ellie and gave her a big smile, "would you mind waiting a couple of minutes? Or do you have a reservation?"

Ellie subtly eyed them. They were taller than her and a little scrawny, had short, black hair and were wearing a blue apron over a striped sweater. And they were obviously a new server — which meant that Ellie did not need to feel guilty about not helping out anymore.

"No, I actually wanted to talk to Jodie," she explained, "I don't think it'll take long."

Well, she had originally planned on staying a little longer, possibly helping and most definitely chatting a lot but considering that the café was very busy, Ellie did not want to interrupt business for too long.

"Sure, she's behind the counter," the new server smiled again, showing adorably crooked teeth, "you can go right ahead."

"Thank you!"

As soon as Ellie approached the counter and Jodie spotted her, she broke into a smile and motioned for her to come closer.

"Hi, I haven't seen you in a while!" She said, "How have you been?"

"Really good, actually," Ellie smiled back and picked up Pasta as a precaution — there were so many people that someone might step on him accidentally, "what about you?"

"Me too," Jodie nodded, "Have you met Bee already? They're my new server."

"I did. They're really nice," Ellie replied but then looked to the ground, "by the way, about that... I'm really sorry that I didn't help you the past weeks."

"Don't worry about it, I've got some great help now, too," Jodie gently nudged Ellie's shoulder and winked at her when she looked up, "and I'm sure spending time with your new girlfriend is pretty fun, isn't it?"

"She's not..." Ellie replied automatically before she could stop herself. Was Quinn her girlfriend? They had never really talked about this. Of course, they kissed and cuddled and did what most couples did. But Quinn already had a boyfriend. Were they just fooling around? Where was the line between fooling around and being a couple?

"Ah, I see: it's complicated."

"A little," Ellie looked around but nobody seemed to be paying attention to them. Still, she leaned in a little before saying as quietly as possible: "she's not out yet."

"Oh, okay. Then I won't ask about it anymore; it's not our secret to talk about."

"Thank you for understanding," Ellie said, a little relieved, "just: how did you know? Last time we were here, nothing had happened between us yet. Hell, I didn't even know what was about to happen."

"I guess I saw it in the way you two were looking at each other when you thought nobody was paying attention."

"That's cheesy!"

"That's just how I am," Jodie laughed, "Liana complains about it, too. Says I'm 'too romantic'. Tell me, Ellie, can there be such a thing as being 'too romantic'?"

"Yes," Ellie said instantly, "there's normal-romantic and there's corny-romantic."

"Well, what does a heart-shaped cake count as?"

"If it's for a birthday, it's okay, if not, then it's corny."

"Ah. And matching mugs?"

"Corny."

"And pet names?"

"Neither. They're mostly just cringey. I mean come on, if you heard a grown adult call another grown adult 'honeybun' or 'sweetiepie' in public, wouldn't you think that it was weird?"

"Liana is saved as 'sugarcookie' in my phone."

Ellie rolled her eyes in play-annoyance and then pointed a finger at Jodie.

"I'll give you a pass because you own a café where you bake lots of cookies. Otherwise, it would be cringey."

Jodie laughed again.

"Well, I'm glad we sorted this out. Would you like to stay a little longer, by the way? Here, you can join me behind the counter so you don't get pushed all the time."

Despite her firm intentions not to bother Jodie for too long, Ellie stayed almost an hour before she made her way back home. Quinn and her friends were not there yet but her and Quinn's dads were. They were sitting at the dining table, talking about some papers in front of them.

"Your mom's taking a walk," Ellie's dad said without looking up, "wanna join us?"

"Why not?"

It was better than being bored all morning. Ellie shrugged and sat with the two men. Until Quinn and her friends came back, she rearranged their findings with the two dads, gently informing them if she as a layperson did not understand something that they might want to edit in a more simple way and looking at all the pictures they took. There were quite a few of all kinds of animals and plants, they even managed to photograph a moose. It looked huge as it majestically fed on some twigs.

"Maybe we'll see another one on our trip," Dan said excitedly, "you sure you don't want to come with us?"

"Pretty sure, yes," Ellie nodded and put the pictures down — quick, she had to think of another reason, "besides, I already made plans with Quinn."

"Oh, what kind of plans?" Philip chimed in.

"Uh... shopping, I guess," Ellie shrugged, "we... haven't really talked about anything in particular, we just agreed on doing some activities together."

Before the two men could ask her more questions about these 'plans' and possibly discover that her actual plan with Quinn involved a lot of physical contact, there was noise coming from the basement. Laughter and a very familiar voice.

"Oh, Quinn's here!"

Ellie got up immediately, gave the pictures back to her dad and hurried down the stairs. It was not yet three but Quinn and the other girls had probably gotten hungry. They were currently getting rid of their skiing boots in the garage and all of them greeted Ellie enthusiastically. Quinn gave a rather awkward smile, though. The situation was pretty weird. Here they were, in the house were they had already kissed lots of times but now they could not do that. Instead, there were two other girls who had no clue about what was going on.

While Ellie waited for them to get ready, mostly staying out of the conversation, she subtly checked out Quinn. Of course, the girl looked amazing as always. Her cheeks and nose were still flushed from the cold outside and her hair was a mess from the helmet, which made her look very adorable. Suddenly, Quinn looked up and caught Ellie's eye. Ellie felt her cheeks heat up but did not break eye contact, instead winking subtly. Quinn suppressed a giggle.

"I'm hungry," Lillian announced, abruptly interrupting the moment Ellie and Quinn were having, "Quinn, do you think there's something edible in your fridge?"

"Hm?" Quinn obviously had not paid attention and seemed a little confused.

"Is there food," Lillian repeated slowly, "in your fridge?"

"I'm pretty sure there is. We can go check."

The four girls made their way upstairs to the kitchen and politely greeted Dan and Philip. Lillian opened the fridge without hesitation and inspected its contents with a skeptical look on her face.

"Does anyone else want an apple?"

After Fiona agreed and Quinn and Ellie declined, they went up to Quinn's room where everyone sat down on the floor.

"And, how was skiing?" Ellie asked politely.

"It was awesome!" Lillian spoke first, her whole face lighting up, "The snow was brilliant, it was so fun! Next time, you should come, too!"

"I'm not very good at skiing."

"That doesn't matter, we'll all teach you."

"Thanks."

After that, awkward silence slowly settled in. Ellie did not really know what to say and found it difficult to engage in the conversation and Quinn was unusually quiet today. Usually, she was very talkative, both with Ellie and with her friends but today, she did not say much — neither did Fiona but she seemed to be shy in general. And even though Lillian noticeably tried, she was not able to fill in all the silences by herself. Ellie had the feeling all of them were glad when the doorbell rang at five past three and they had an excuse to get up and go down. Quinn trailed behind a little, she let the others leave the room first and then carefully picked up Pasta. While Fiona and Lillian already went downstairs, Ellie stayed and turned around to look at Quinn.

'You okay?', she mouthed silently. Quinn nodded with a pained expression on her face but then took a deep breath and put on a smile before she walked down the stairs. In the hallway, Collin and Dash were still getting out of their jackets while bickering with the girls.

"Where's my lovely girlfriend by the way?" Dash asked just as Ellie and Quinn rounded the corner.

"I'm right here!" Quinn set Pasta down and then flung herself at Dash with a wide smile on her face. Dash laughed and caught her midair, lifting her up a little to kiss her passionately. Ellie could hear him quietly say 'I missed you' to Quinn before they kissed again.

Even though she now knew the truth about their relationship, she could not help but feel a little pang of jealousy. She was not angry at Quinn nor Dash— how could she, Dash did not even know about Quinn's feeling and Quinn herself was in a pretty difficult situation. And she was not jealous of Dash either. She knew what kissing Quinn felt like and she had also known what would happen this afternoon. But Ellie really, really wanted to be able to show the same kind of openness about her relationships.

And she was also jealous for Quinn in a way: Quinn could kiss all the boys she wanted, just like the others girls. But unlike them, she could not be true to herself. And while most girls would love to have a boyfriend like Dash and to kiss him right in front of their friends, it was not what Quinn wanted. Ellie wanted for Quinn — and for herself — to be able to do what Quinn was doing with Dash right now.

"Hey Ellie!"

Ellie was caught a little off-guard when Collin suddenly appeared next to her and hugged her enthusiastically.

"Hi," she replied awkwardly, "how are you doing?"

"Good, very good," Collin tried to put an arm around her shoulders but failed because Ellie was a little too small to use as an armrest, "and you?"

"Me too."

"That's awesome! By the way, did you ever finish the movie?"

"The... movie?"

"Yes, the one we all started together but didn't finish!"

"Oh, that one," Ellie laughed a little, "no, I actually didn't get around to doing so."

"Aw, that's a shame", in the blink of an eyelid, Collin grinned at her and then went to annoy Lillian by playing with the ends of her long braids. Ellie was glad he brought a little life to the group even after they went back to Quinn's room.

Quinn and Dash spent a big portion of their time together cuddling and talking quietly to each other but with the talkative Collin there, it was easier to keep up a conversation. Nevertheless, Ellie felt a little weird the whole time and it seemed that Quinn felt the same way. Whenever their eyes met, she would look away quickly and Ellie could see her struggling to keep up her happy facade. Maybe it was easier for her if she did not have to look at Ellie? But then a little bit later, Ellie noticed Quinn secretly watching her.

Most of Quinn's friends left before dinner, only Dash stayed and ate with the family. Both Ellie and Quinn were pretty silent while they ate. Dash and Quinn's parents got along really well, they talked and joked a lot. It hurt a little that even though they were just as nice to Ellie, they would not accept her as Quinn's partner the way they accepted Dash.

"Quinn, what do you think about going to the cinema tonight?"

Both Ellie and Quinn looked a little shocked when Dash asked this. Quinn got her face under control pretty quickly, while Ellie shoved some potatoes into her mouth so that it would not be open anymore.

"We haven't seen each other a lot lately and I want to take you out again, what do you say?"

"Um... sure," Quinn beamed at Dash happily but under the table, "just the two of us?"

"I was thinking, yes," Dash leaned over and kissed Quinn briefly, "you get to choose the movie and I'll pay for everything. Oh, and I'll bring you home afterwards, of course."

"That's so sweet of you."

Ellie averted her gaze and hastily emptied her glass of water, only to refill it. She was not sure she would manage to look unfazed if she looked up right now. The rest of dinner was even more awkward, for her at least. While Dash and Quinn were flirting at the table like they were still in their honeymoon-phase, the adults mostly talked about work and their upcoming trip.

Ellie watched Quinn and Dash getting ready after dinner and when they had left, she got dressed as well to go for a long walk to cool her head. She had known what was coming when Quinn had invited her friends over but she had believed herself to be prepared for it. She knew it was not Quinn's fault at all and she had had plenty of time to get used to the idea of Dash kissing Quinn and them spending time together. But she did not anticipate that it would affect her as much as it did because she had never been a jealous person.

Then again, she did not really have a reason to be jealous. Quinn had told her multiple times that she did not love Dash romantically, why did it bother her so much?

Ellie stayed out until she could not feel her feet anymore but she still came home before Quinn did. After a quick shower, she turned off the lights in her room and spent some time on her phone in bed, listening to music with her headphones. She did not notice Quinn coming home until the water in the bathroom started running. Afterwards, Quinn went right to bed, probably thinking that Ellie was sleeping already. Silence settled in.

Luckily, things were pretty normal the next day. Quinn apologized for the evening and Ellie assured her that everything was alright. Her hurt feelings were not Quinn's fault and not her responsibility to deal with either. Furthermore, Ellie did not want to bother Quinn with something she would not be able to fix. It was something she had to deal with herself and after spending the whole day together, it seemed easy to do so.