Chapter 17: CHAPTER 16

With simple songs, I wanted more

Perfection is so quick to bore

You are my beautiful, by far

Our flaws are who we really are

- I hear a symphony, Cody Fry

"We really need to go out and get groceries," Quinn said. She was sitting on the big armchair in her room, petting Pasta who was curled up in her lap. Ellie, who had been checking her e-mails while sitting on Quinn's bed, looked up.

"Right now?"

Quinn laughed.

"That's what I was thinking, yes — unless you have something better to do."

"No, I'll come with you," Ellie closed her laptop and put it to the side, "if I stare at my inbox for any longer, I'll go insane."

"Great!" Quinn gently put Pasta down and then practically leapt out of the chair to look out of the window, "We should hurry up, though. The supermarket closes at six and it's already getting dark."

They had been skiing the whole morning — and Ellie had managed to fall only two times — and while their parents were enjoying some kind of TV-show downstairs, they spent the remaining time of the day in Quinn's room, either talking or just doing their individual thing in silence, which was also very nice. With Quinn, Ellie did not feel like she had to talk all the time. The silences in between were comfortable silences and it did not get awkward when they both read or were on their phones. Most of the time, it actually gave them more things to talk about and as comfortable as they were, the silences never lasted for very long.

"Should we take Pasta with us?" Ellie asked as she and Quinn were getting ready downstairs. Quinn shook her head.

"No, he can stay here. He's not allowed in the supermarket and I don't want him to have to wait outside," she pet the small dogs head who gave a grateful little huff, "when we're back, we can take him outside for his evening walk."

She put on a beanie and gave Ellie a second one before gently pushing Pasta towards the living room. Once she was sure he would not follow them, she opened the door and held it open for Ellie. Even though the days were getting slightly warmer now that it was March, it still got quite cold once the sun was gone and Ellie tightened her scarf as she walked beside Quinn towards the main road.

After that one visit right on her first walk through the village, Ellie had not entered the supermarket, she realized. Most of the time, it were the adults who went out to buy groceries and once or twice Quinn had done it but neither of them had ever taken Ellie with them.

New, the two girls entered the supermarket with one of the metal carts and were greeted by the same woman that had given Ellie the plastic bags for Mister Saunders.

"Okay, what do we need?" Ellie asked while she steered the cart through the maze of shelves.

"Cereal and milk," Quinn read aloud from the grocery list in her phone, "then maybe some fruits and vegetables. And some chicken for tonight's dinner."

"Alright," Ellie pointed towards the aisle with fresh fruits and vegetables, "here we have the fruits - I'll go get those."

"Great!"

Ellie picked out some bell peppers, corn and some other things while Quinn went to get some of the other things. When Ellie found her again, she was standing on the back of the shopping cart, slowly scooting past the shelves. Since the cart was still very empty, Quinn had to lean forward so that it would not fall over backwards. It looked hilarious, the way she bent her body around the handle, her butt sticking out.

"What are you doing?" Ellie giggled.

"I'm too lazy to walk."

"And that's more efficient? It looks pretty exhausting to me."

"Buuut I don't have to move," Quinn grinned and stepped down with one foot to get some momentum. The cart did not want to succumb to being used in such an inappropriate manner and promptly rolled right into a shelf full of different pasta packs, sending a few of them flying.

"Oh fuck!" Quinn broke out in hysteric giggles and quickly crouched down to gather the evidence of her mess. She hastily put them back on the shelf after checking that none of them were visibly damaged and pushed the cart into the middle of the hallway.

"Ellie?"

"Yes?"

Quinn looked back at her with the sweetest smile and puppy eyes.

"Will you push me around?"

Ellie sighed but also could not help the laugh that escaped her.

"Alright, hop in."

With Quinn sitting in the cart and directing Ellie through the labyrinth of shelves, they completed their trip as quickly as possible and soon came out of the supermarket, each holding two bags. Quinn was in a noticeably good mood, giggly and giddy with a big smile on her face. She walked backwards in front of Ellie, chatting with her as they went. Ellie was sure she herself would have fallen over at least half a dozen times but Quinn walked on the bumpy snow as if she had never done anything else. To be honest, she was used to this weather. But Ellie got better at it, too! She did not have to stare at the ground the whole time anymore!

Suddenly, Quinn stopped dead in her tracks, causing Ellie to walk into her, almost knocking both of them over.

"Sorry," Ellie said and let go of where she had gripped Quinn's arm, "why did you stop?"

"Did I ever tell you how cute you look, all bundled up in a thick jacket, a scarf and a beanie?" Quinn asked with a grin, "You look like a Christmas elf."

"Yeah, but one who ate too much gingerbread."

That caused Quinn to giggle a little bit until her face turned stern.

"You're perfect, okay? Don't you ever forget that!"

"If one of us is perfect, that's you," Ellie replied, "just look at you, your gorgeous."

"Stop, this is about you!"

Ellie giggled again and blushed a little, which of course did not go unnoticed by Quinn.

"Oh you're blushing! Want me to say it again? You're perfekt!"

"Stahp!"

"Nope, not happening! You're just too cute," as Quinn spoke, she got progressively closer to Ellie until their noses, reddened from the cold, were almost touching, "you're pretty and you're beautiful and you're gorgeous and you're just perfect."

Ellie smiled sheepishly, her eyes darting from Quinn's eyes to her lips and back up. She did not care that they were standing in the middle of the street anymore and Quinn did not seem to mind, either because both girls leaned forward a little bit.

But before their lips could touch Quinn seemed to notice something behind Ellie and pulled back immediately. Ellie spun around and saw that a woman, supposedly Fiona's mom, had come out of the restaurant to shovel away some of the snow that had fallen from the roof. She had not yet noticed the girls but waved kindly when she spotted them. Ellie waved back but Quinn did not move at all. She had grown very pale.

"Let's go," was all she said before turning around and storming off, this time facing forward. Ellie had a hard time keeping up but she did not complain — or say anything, for that matter.

She knew exactly what Quinn was thinking. What if she had not noticed? What if Fiona's mum had come out a little earlier? What if they would have already been at it? What if someone had seen them kissing?

At Home, Quinn barely greeted Pasta who seemed very excited at the sight of his owner and began restocking the fridge in silence. Ellie came over and grabbed some of the things they had bought. Their moms were watching TV together while their dads sat over some paperwork at the dinner table.

"Are you okay?" Ellie asked quietly as they worked together, after she had made sure nobody would hear. Quinn nodded.

"Yeah, I'm just..." for the first time since coming home, she looked Ellie in the eye, whispering so quietly that Ellie guessed her words more than actually hearing them, "what if someone had seen us? I can't risk that."

"I know," Ellie replied sympathetically, "we probably should've been a little more careful."

She shot Quinn a smile but the blonde girl dropped her gaze again without returning it and busied herself with sorting the cereal. Ellie sighed a little but did not complain. It was probably a very difficult situation for Quinn.

For the first time, she had someone to share this part of herself with and she wanted to experience it fully — but knew that that was not entirely possible. Ellie had never gone through that, her family had been supportive and in a bigger city, nobody on the street knew you so she had never cared about the opinion of other people.

But Quinn knew everybody here and everybody knew her. It was too dangerous to come out, especially since not even her parents would support her. It had to be horrible to have found your identity but not be able to show it to anyone. And Ellie was the first person to know and also the first person to share Quinn's feelings. Quinn deserved to experience this and she also deserved to be safe while doing so.

If she wanted to keep whatever it was that they had, she had to be able to do it on her terms. To Quinn, being with a girl was completely new and probably frightening, for more than one reason. In the end, it was up to her but Ellie needed to tell her that it was okay for her to stay in hiding. She would leave in a little less than a month but Quinn did not have that option. And if being with Quinn — for as long as it would last — meant going back into the closet, Ellie was up for it.

She followed Quinn upstairs when they were done and entered her room after her, softly closing the door.

"Hey, can we talk?" She asked, "I understand if right now is not a good time though."

"No, it's alright," Quinn sat in her armchair and put Pasta on her lap, cuddling him close. Before Ellie could say anything, the other one blurted out:

"I'm sorry! And it's okay that you can't do this. I was reckless outside and I'm sorry for getting your hopes up but I can't do this. I mean, I can do this-" she gestured between herself and Ellie, "-but I can't come out and I know that that's really shitty of me but I... I just don't want to risk this. Please don't hate me!"

"What?"

"I said 'please don't hate me'."

"No, what?"

Ellie could not help but laugh a little.

"Quinn, that is not at all what I was going to say."

"Oh," Quinn's cheeks reddened, "what were you going to say?"

"Quite the opposite, actually," Ellie sat down on Quinn's bed, "I know that this is all new for you and I can't even fathom how terrifying this has to be. I mean, it was pretty scary for me and my situation was not at all similar to yours."

"Yeah, because your family is supportive," Quinn sounded a little bitter but not about the fact that Ellie brought this up but because her parents were not.

"That, too," Ellie nodded, "but that's not my point. All I wanted to say is: I understand that it's difficult for you. And I respect that you can't and don't want to come out right now. I'm okay with that. And if you'd like us to, we can continue just like we did before — but in secret. No one has to know about us, I know this could ruin you. And I won't force you to do something you're not comfortable with that could also put you in danger. Safety comes first. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is: I support you. And whatever you decide, I'm on board."

"Oh..." Quinn had actually gotten a little teary-eyed during Ellie's 'speech' but though the tears, there was a huge smile on her face. A little wobbly but still there.

"Thank you!" She said, voice full of relief, "You don't know how much this means to me! I've read all over the internet that I should come out and stand up for myself and I just... I didn't know if you expected me to be like that."

"Never!" Ellie vehemently shook her head, "That's some really stupid advice. As I said, safety always comes first. I think if coming out could put you in a dangerous or at least uncomfortable position — or even just if you don't feel ready or don't want to — you're not obligated to come out. Nobody is. We don't owe anyone our sexuality."

"You don't know how good it feels to hear someone say that — to hear you say that," Quinn wiped at her eyes a little to stop the tears and smiled sheepishly, "sorry, I don't even know why I'm crying."

"Hey, it's okay, I'm not judging."

Ellie's unconditional understanding caused Quinn to just cry even more, even though she was smiling through the tears.

"Oh no... you want to come here?" Ellie patted the spot next to her and Quinn immediately got up (carefully cradling Pasta) and went over to the bed. She let Ellie put an arm around her shoulders and pressed her face into the crook of her neck, her breathing slowly calming down. Ellie felt her skin and sweater get a little wet but she did not say a thing, only held Quinn close and let her sort out her feelings. When the sniffles got less and less and finally stopped and Quinn was breathing regularly again, she held Quinn's face and gently nudged her up, looking her deep into her green eyes.

"Okay?"

Quinn nodded and sat up. After placing Pasta on the floor — where the little dog licked her ankle and then curled up in a ball — she wiped her face with her sleeve a few times, blew her nose and applied some chapstick. Afterwards, her eyes were still a little red and her face and neck flushed but she no longer looked as messy. And, Ellie found, she was just as beautiful as always.

"Can we try that again? What we were trying to do outside, I mean," Quinn smiled and scooted a little closer to Ellie.

"Of course we can."

Ellie cupped Quinn's face, thumbing at the remains of the tears she had shed. The blonde girl practically melted under the glaze of her friend and gave a goofy smile. Ellie was sure she herself had a very dopey expression but she could not have cared less. She took her time while examining Quinn's features. Her long lashes, still wet and dark with tears. The few strands of her long hair that fell into her face and that she always pushed back when she was focusing on something. Her hands, now slightly trembling and very warm as she placed them on Ellie's. And her lips, red from where she had bit into her lower lip earlier.

When Ellie finally caved in and placed her lips on Quinn, it felt absolutely right. Their kiss was slow, gentle and Ellie kept her hands on Quinn's cheeks. The latter tasted like salt and chapstick, her skin felt hot under and on top of Ellie's hand. It was a bit awkward, with both of them sitting sideways, so Ellie pulled away for a second to sit crosslegged on the mattress. Quinn also put one leg on the bed.

When they kissed this time, she let out an audible gasp and pulled Ellie closer. Quinn's arms wrapped around her neck, Ellie bathed in her scent. Quinn was more eager now, she pulled Ellie close — and Ellie was happy to give her what she wanted. As the kiss got more heated, she dropped one hand to Quinn's hip, where she thumbed at the soft skin under her sweater. Under her fingers, she felt goosebumps break out and began gently kneading the spot.

Ellie would have welcomed going further right this very second but she did not know if Quinn was okay with that. They probably had a lot more to discuss before they would take a next step.

However, Quinn did not seem to have thoughts like this. As soon as Ellie's hand touched the skin of her hip, she seemed to melt under the touch, becoming pliant in her arms and leaning even closer. Right now, not even Pasta would have been able to fit in between them. Quinn was basically sitting on Ellie's lap, clinging to her and deepening the kiss. One hand had snuck into the curls in Ellie's neck, where she gently gripped the hair. It did not pull at all and Ellie loved how it felt.

Their breathing was getting heavier, Ellie was enjoying this with every inch of her body when all of a sudden, Quinn withdrew. She dropped her hands like Ellie's skin was suddenly burning her and broke away, creating more space between them. She looked like a deer in the headlights. Fuck.

"I'm sorry," Ellie said after both had taken a few deep breaths, "was that too fast? Too much? I'm so sorry."

"N-no, I..." Quinn took another breath, "I want this. I want you. But not,... not with my parents downstairs. I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay. I understand," replied Ellie, "I don't ever want you to feel like I'm pressuring you. We'll do this on your terms, alright?"

"Thank you," Quinn said, then a smirk appeared on her face, "when they leave in a few weeks for their trip, we'll have all the time in the world."

"Oh, so your mom is going, too?"

"Yes, she put in her notice for a little vacation and the school allowed it. So we'll have the house to ourselves."

"That sounds good," Ellie said, only realizing what her words implied after they came out of her mouth. What she had meant was that the empty house would give them the opportunity to not have to hide in one of their rooms anymore if they wanted to be affectionate in any way. Quinn did not seem to mind her implication though, because she nodded.

"Absolutely it does," she blushed a little, "I might have to consult google beforehand, though."

"Or you could just ask me."

"Either way, this is our chance!"

Ellie chuckled at how enthusiastic the other girl was being and patted her knee.

"We'll see how you feel about this when the time comes."

They sat in silence for a little while, until Quinn moved to look Ellie in the eyes.

"I've got something for you."

"For me?"

"No, for the other three gorgeous girls in my room," Quinn giggled, "I'll go get it."

She got up and began rummaging through her closet — that was chaotic as always — sending T-Shirts and socks flying through the room as she did so. Ellie watched in amusement. At first glance, Quinn's rooms seemed very clean and neatly organized but that was not the whole truth. Whenever one opened the door of the closet or a drawer, things would come falling out, spilling out of the crammed space they had been shoved into. Quinn never folded her laundry, only bunching the items together or randomly throwing them into the closet. Ellie would have normally been bothered by this as she herself was a very tidy person but somehow, she only found it adorable.

"Here, got it!" Quinn pulled a piece of paper out of where she stored her underwear and unfolded the paper, "I knew it was in there somewhere!"

She quickly gathered all the clothes that had fallen onto the floor and stuffed them back into the closet. They only stayed put because she closed the door before anything could fall out.

"What is that?" Ellie asked when Quinn sat next to her again and pointed to the paper.

"It's um..." Quinn hesitated, "Jeez, this is more embarrassing than I thought it would be. So you remember how I tried to get you to hate me when you first came here?"

"Obviously."

"And... well, after you came out to me during our fight, I made the decision to tell you everything. And I wrote a letter. I wanted to slide it under your door but I was too scared and didn't end up doing it."

"And now you want me to read the letter?"

Quinn blushed.

"Only if you want to read it."

"Sure," Ellie extended her hand and promptly received the letter from Quinn. It was a letter-sizes paper, used on both sides and previously folded in four. Quinn's handwriting consisted of neat, round block letters that leaned slightly left.

"And you're okay with me reading it now?"

"Yes, absolutely!"

And so Ellie began reading:

Dear Ellie,

I'm sure you didn't expect this letter, especially not after today. Let me get this out of the way and say: I'm not homophobic. I know the way I acted earlier today might have given you that impression but I'm really not.

You probably won't believe me and I know you don't really like me but please keep reading this to the end.

I want to apologize for the horrible way I treated you since you got here. I know it was wrong of me and you're not to blame at all. You were lovely to me from the beginning and I screwed it up. I'm sorry that I made your stay here such an unpleasant experience. If I could re-start this year, I think I would do a lot of things differently.

I'm also sorry that I made you feel like I didn't support you earlier. I was certainly not a person you wanted to come out to (thank you for sharing this with me, though, you're so brave for that!) and I should've acted more maturely.

I know what it feels like not to have the support of the people around you and it's a feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Can I tell you a secret? I'm lesbian. (Please burn this letter after reading)

I haven't told many people about this. You're the first to know, actually. My parents are really homophobic and I'm scared of what they would say or do to me if I came out to them. A lot of the people here in town are, too, and I don't want to risk becoming the newest topic of the village-tea. Since Frostfields is so small, everyone would know in a matter of days.

I know I should come out and be true to myself but I'm scared.

And that's also why I treated you like that. You see, I never really had the chance to swoon over fictional women or develop crushes on girls because that was never an option. When my parents told me you would be coming with your family, I just imagined what it would be like to have you living here.

I didn't even know you yet but I think I fell in love with the idea I had of you. With the idea of love. (That sounds so fucking cheesy, I'm sorry — I'm not good with big words)

And the way I treated you was because I got scared of my own feelings. In person, you're better than everything I could have imagined and I still pushed you away. I thought if we would hate each other, it would make it easier not to love you anymore.

I guess it doesn't really make sense.

And it's okay if you still don't like me after reading this. I'm not asking for anything, not forgiveness or anything like that because I know I don't deserve it. You're such a great person and I've been absolutely horrible to you.

But I wanted you to know why. The only thing I ask of you is that you don't tell anyone about any of this. I just wanted you to know.

Yours, Quinn

P.S.: but if you would like to talk after all of this, I will do better! From now on, I will be nice to you, I promise it. You don't have to, though.

"I guess it's a bit ironic that I stored this letter in my closet," Quinn said when Ellie lowered the paper.

"It is," Ellie smiled at Quinn, "thank you for letting me read it."

"Would you have preferred for me to have slid this under your door? Instead of the way we actually did it?"

"I don't know," as she spoke, Ellie carefully folded the paper, "I think it worked out just fine. And I don't know if I would've taken the first step after reading the letter. And since you wouldn't have done it either, it's possible that this would be a very different situation right now."

"I think so, too," Quinn said, a little bit relieved, "I'm really glad you gave me so many second chances."

"Me too," Ellie nodded and then pointed to the paper, "in your letter, you asked me to burn this after reading it. Do you want to do that now? Burn it, I mean."

"Why would I do that?"

"It was just an idea," she shrugged, "maybe as a symbolic act of burning all the lies and secrets? The negative things? A fresh start — not with me but in life? Like the people who write their fears down and then burn the paper."

"You know what? Let's do this!"

Quinn jumped up from the bed, grabbed some matches from her shelf and went over to the door that led to the balcony.

"You coming with the letter?"

Ellie nodded and followed behind. On the balcony, Quinn moved the chairs to the side and then got one of the matches out of its box. With a quick motion, she lit up the little wooden stick and held her hand out for the letter. Ellie handed it to her and watched as Quinn held the small flame to one of the paper corners. Slowly, the flame spread over to the paper and began burning it down. Where the flame had touched it, the paper crumpled, turned black and then blew away in the wind as ashes. Quinn dropped the burnt down match but held onto the paper until it was little more than a scrap. Finally, the last pieces of ash flew away from the balcony and both girls followed them with their eyes.

"That felt really good," Quinn said after a few moments of silence, "almost freeing."